The Dilemma Within

The Dilemma Within(venkateshan) He had learnt many sacred texts and mastered the art of yoga. He himself had composed much scientific literature that had been admired in the literary world because of its authenticity, simple language and the wide range of subjects it encompassed. His parents were very proud of him. The only part of him that scared them as his unpredictable nature. There was an element of uncertainty that always seemed to surround him whereever he went and whatever he did. If he was good, well behaved, and worked hard, he was fine.

At one point of time somehow he invariably lost his coolness, composure, and ended up being the bad element that no one liked to be associated with.

This cycle of rise and fall continued for quite a substantial part of his life, taking a great toll of his energy. At one point of time he started getting sick and fedup with himself. Sometimes he would sit and think for hours, deliberating where he went wrong. But every time he seemed to have recovered, he would have fallen before even realizing what was going on!

One day as he wandered on the streets, he came across a scerene and sane person who was well absorbed within himself and looked quite calm and was at peace with himself. „a“ wondered at his calm nature and undisturbed mind. the Guru was not highly educated nor did he belong to an elite class as „a“ thought about himself. But yet he commanded a respect from people around him that befitted a king. He himself remained very humble and respected every one who spoke to him or consulted him for his advice. The surprise was, his advice worked for every one and people got their problems solved within days!

Even though „a“ used to see the guru regularly, he somehow hesitated to ask him for a solution to his problem. But the „guru“ seemed to understand him better than „a“ understood himself. „a“ was initially shocked to meet a man who vibrated so much of the energy around himself that anyone who went close to him was in for an energy boosting experience that changed his life after that.

The guru is here, and we are going to meet him, announced his friend, as they sat and spoke in front of his friend’s residence. The time was around 2:30 in the afternoon and „a“ had just lunched. The weather seems to be fine today, so i am joining you „a“ remarked. His friend „r“ was pleased. As they got ready to move, „b“, who was still apprehensive of going, remarked "what difference will it be whether we meet that guru or not?" „r“ seemed a bit annoyed and was quick enough to lash „b“. "You can stay back if you feel you are wasting your time“. But „b“ did not seem to hear what „r“ remarked. He just accompanied them and they departed to meet the guru.

There were about 10 people in the gathering. 'Oh thank god, not much crowd' „a“ thought as „r“ took him in front of the big concrete platform on which the guru sat. Soon the session started and people started asking questions, to which the guru answered patiently. „a“ happened to have a couple of guru’s books already and hence did not ask any questions. He knew that if he were to ask any question what kind of response he may get, so he preferred to remain silent. As the session approached the end, he was asked, "don't you have any questions?“ The question came not from the disciples, but from the guru himself. There was a pin drop silence in the hall as everyone started to stare at each other. „a“ suddenly came back to his senses as someone jerked him and pointed a finger at the guru and hissed in his ears, "Guruji is asking you sir! If you have any questions, go ahead and get them resolved. Guruji himself is asking you, you are blessed“.

A stream of questions gushed from „a“’s mind and he shook his mind in negation. Guru just smiled and suggested they meet after the session. The session end was marked with a good feast. As „a“ sat in front of the banana leaf to have his food, he was surprised to see the number of dishes that were arranged neatly in order. There was hardly any place to serve anything else. As they started relishing their meal, he was surprised to see a continuous inflow of dishes as the leaf got empty and soon found himself unable to eat anymore.

„b“ however found the visit very much interesting. For a man of least interest in any higher level thinking, as „r“ called it sometimes, he was much more enthusiastic now to meet the guru, more than any one else in the gathering. The guru had magical influence on him and the guru’s blessings to „b“ was "More food....“.

"Why was he asking to meet me?“ „a“ was confused. Anyway he went and met the guru in his chamber. Guru was seated in lotus position and looked very much peaceful. Yet his face emitted a kind of radiance that „a“ found very much warm and soothing. As he sat in front of the guru his mind started getting a bit calmer and his muscles started relaxing. Neither the guru nor „a“ spoke, as they sat silently and looked at each other and smiled.

It must have been an eternity before the guru spoke. "Meditate on Lord Shiva and you shall be free from all the confusions that are overflowing in you," his voice echoed in the chamber and pierced through „a“’s ears and brains. he had understood exactly what to do. Before he could even react, the guru stood up and walked away as though „a“ did not exist at all. „a“ found a way at last. Or did he not?

The next day „a“ sat for meditation. He assumed the same lotus position, his guru had taken, closed his eyes and started meditating on Shiva. Pretty soon he started getting the effects. “Nice fragrance“ , he thought as it surrounded and engulfed him. He could remember the phrase from; ’maha mrityunjaya mantra’. He felt elated that his meditation was bringing results in just 1 minute. Better than „ „ he thought and smiled.

Soon the fragrance changed. Now he was getting rich aroma, but somehow he was still doubtful. suddenly he felt, 'i have smelled this before. Hmmmm!!!' As a drew a deep breath, he knew instantly what it was, the rich smell of Asafotida. His wife was preparing "rasam" in the kitchen. The earlier smell was that of "sambar". His meditation was giving results indeed !!

"Well it takes time dear, any process as such will take time," „r“ told him clearly. "You can't expect magic overnight. Your mind is skewed up to such an extent that it takes double time compared with normal people. So have patience.“ „a“ was a bit irritated but did not show it. In his heart of hearts he knew it. "A man obsessed with so much confusion will take at least 1 year to come back to the normal line" „r“ said calmly and „a“ accepted. He just sat and meditated 1 hour every day without questioning henceforth.

As days rolled, he could observe a slight deviation in his thought process. Slowly he became more calm. Every time a negative thought came, he was surprised to observe a faint positive (or can we say normal) thought would counter that negative thought without him having to put on any extra effort at all. His heart and mind became much lighter, more than he had anticipated.

"Oh what if this is for only a short duration?“ he thought as he sat to meditate. It was the 48th day and his concentration had improved considerably, according to his opinion. But his mind was still a bit turbid. His past experience had always taught him that pleasure was a passing phase, but pain was permanent in his life. But still life was getting better than what it was earler. The obsession to "achieve" was slowly waning and a sense of "settling at the present" was taking root. He started seeing life as a continuous process that needed constant monitoring and control over his negative thoughts, rather than a train journey that ended at some point of time.