Hidden Feelings

Hidden Feelings(Jessica H.) I stare at the ceiling. Mom and Dad are arguing again and I hear things being thrown around and breaking. For the hundredth time, I pray that Mom and Dad could divorce. Then, I could live with Mom and forget about Dad.

Putting on my shoes, I sneak out of my bedroom and try to ignore the lovely smell of Mom’s pancakes. To my relief, Mom and Dad don’t see me. My stomach grumbles as I make my way to school, and I try to cover the sounds by coughing. We go for PE lessons. My favorite part of PE is running. I’m the fastest girl but only one boy from hockey can beat me. As I fly past my classmates, the loneliness and sadness is all gone. It’s amazing how I can hide my feelings so well in front of others, but sometimes I wish I could just cry in front of everyone. I try to stare into outer space and think of sad things to make me cry, but my eyes are dry. It makes my head hurt. Inside I’m all frustrated, sober and melancholy but outside I’m just a perky girl with a perfect life.

At recess, I go to the bathroom when no one is around. I grab some tissues, shut myself in one of the cubicles and the tears just come. I can’t stop. I think about my family. Each year we have been moving all over to different countries. Now, we can’t afford the school fees any more ‘cause Dad doesn’t earn enough, and Mom’s starting to borrow money from the bank. Dad sulks all day and lets his anger thrash out at home. I can’t stand Dad. He doesn’t care about other people. I know that he likes my little brother better, but there isn’t any reason for him to randomly scold me. Sometimes I wonder if I’m born into the wrong family, or if I was adopted.

I wash my face and hurry downstairs before the teachers find me in the bathroom. On the way I meet the snobby girls. As they see me, they start to whisper among each other and snicker loudly. I cringe, avoiding eye contact, and scurry to the canteen. Immediately, I regret my choice. I haven’t eaten breakfast and I don’t have enough money to buy food. Still, I walk on towards my friends. I grin at them and they wave back. We chat about our crushes and other girly stuff which I don’t really like. I’m more of a tomboy. For one thing, I hate dresses. It feels as if I’m walking around wearing my underpants only. But if it’s school uniform, I have no choice. Even so, I do have a crush in my class. He’s kind of sporty and totally obsessed with soccer. He’s also a math and science genius.

The bell rings and we go up to class. There’s a substitute teacher and she lets us play games. When I come back into the classroom from my locker, suddenly I feel dizzy, I feel like vomiting. In my mind, I think, 'I’m not supposed to feel this way. My body is strong!' To my horror, my legs slow down and I crumple to the ground as everything goes black. The last thing I hear is people crying out my name.