To Stop Pretending(Kendra Dawn) He looks at me and I freeze. Suddenly, my mind fills with dreamlike memories: memories of him, of us, of our spot, of kisses, of laughter, of hallow 'I love yous,' and, more importantly, of goodbyes... These are memories that I'd much rather lose in that endless black hole known as the past but can't. For some reason, something keeps getting in the way. He keeps getting in the way.

I shake myself out of my trance and try my best to act 'normal' as he shoots daggers into the back of my head. I know that he hates me for what I did, and he's not the only one. I hate myself as well, but for a different reason. To me, I should have never said hello to him, started that connection that led to him falsely believing that he was in love with me. To him, I never should have said goodbye. I should have never muttered that word that broke his heart for the first time. But what he fails to understand is that it was the best thing. Or at least, that is what I keep telling myself.

I keep telling myself that what I did was best, that it wasn't fair to let him feel a love that wasn't shared, but, at the same time, was it really fair to break his heart? Would I have been better off just pretending for his own sake? I don't know... So as he sits there, sending his hatred my way, I can't help but fight back tears. What happened? He never understood that he wasn't the only one who lost something in our mess, in his own selfish sorrow he failed to notice that I had lost my best friend. I've never been good at trusting, at any emotion really, so to lose somebody who I did let in... hurt. It hurt so much, but I had broke my own heart.

Sitting here, feeling like it's just him and me in this crowded room, I am forced to realize that we just can't ignore this. It's been months since he said that he never wanted to speak to me again. Months of lying, to him and to myself. It feels like I've been facing some internal demon, trying to use ignorance to escape the inevitable. The truth is, we never got closure, and as much as I understand that I owe it to him, to me, I have been trying to drown that understanding in pretending. We've, well I've, been pretending that I've never said hello, and thus never said goodbye, only it's not working. The pain is still there and he still hates me, or at least it feels like he hates me.

It's hard sometimes, when all you need is your best friend and he isn't there, but I just needed to stop pretending. Something I've learned over the course of my life is that if something isn't there you can't force it, and that is just what happened between us. It wasn't there, or at least it wasn't shared, so I did what I owed both him and me. I owed us the chance to stop pretending and now I owe it again. I want my best friend back, but that isn't something I can control. The only thing I can offer is closure, an explanation, and an apology.

Nervously, I turn my head to find only sadness in those hazel eyes, and think, maybe I was wrong. Maybe, just maybe, I'm not as alone as I assumed. With a deep breath and a beating heart I walk over to face my demon once and for all.

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