Silence

Silence(Kate townsend) Alison forced her body out of the bed and dragged it to the bathroom. She knew she should have spoken to him, but what would she say? It seemed pointless to even try. She washed her face with icy cold water, but barely felt it run over her skin. The numbness engulfed her whole body and she figured she could set herself on fire and would only know by the smell of the flames.
She wasted time in the bathroom, avoiding having to talk to him. She listened as he got out of bed and went to the wardrobe. She wondered if he was avoiding her as much as she was him. When she heard him shut the bedroom door as he left the room she exited the bathroom and was instantly annoyed that he hadn't made the bed. She went to make it in a huff, but then remembered, what was the point? She left the bed unmade, the curtains unopened and got dressed. She knew she was supposed to dress formally, but, what was the point?
Finally she decided to brave coming face to face with him and opened the bedroom door. He was in the kitchen pouring coffee.
"Morning" he mumbled without glancing at her.
"Morning" she replied, knowing they would ever greet each other with a "GOOD morning" again. What was the point?
He passed her a coffee and they went through their morning routine.
She hated this. This going through the motions. It reminded her of everything that wasn't there. There should have been a thousand questions about insignificant things. She should have been getting annoyed because she'd have to pick up fruit loops that had been spilt on the floor, and telling her daughter for the two hundredth time to "be quiet while the news is on". Instead the silence was deafening. She had no desire to know what was going on in the rest of the world. What she desired was to hear her daughter's voice complaining about something ridiculous. To feel the weight of her climbing, uninvited, onto her lap when she was trying to have a conversation with a friend. To hear the words "Mum, I missed you" when she had only gone to the mail box. But, all she heard was silence.
"What are you going to wear today?" Hayden suddenly asked.
She looked at him, confused.
"This" she said looking down at her trackies and t-shirt.
"You can't wear that" he stated matter of factly.
"Why not? It's what I normally wear on a Friday" she retorted.
"Today isn't a normal Friday" he said slowly and sadly.
She nodded but had no intention of changing.
She was surprised she even knew what day it was. The last week had been such a blur. It was exactly one week ago that she was nagging her daughter, her beautiful, caring, imaginative daughter to hurry up and get in the car. Olivia had been playing with her Little People Village, as she called it, a town she had created out of boxes and cartons painted to resemble shop fronts that were in their own Home town. She took her time putting her shoes on, checking her appearance, brushing her teeth, and Alison was in a hurry.
"Olivia! Come on! We're running late"
"I'm coming" Olivia responded without any urgency at all.
"I need to post some letters, you'll have to run over to the post box for me on the way to school."
"O.k" Olivia replied, again with no concern for the panic in her mother's voice. If only she had remained true to her calm self as opposed to being bullied by her mother into rushing. The wave of guilt consumed Alison again.
As Alison pulled into a parking spot she handed the 3 envelopes to Olivia and urged her to "hurry, or we'll be late".
As she waited for her daughter to return she frantically looked through her bag trying to remember where she had placed her lesson plans for the day. She was struggling to keep all her students on task and was adapting old programs with some new ideas to get them more focused. As she rummaged through her bag she heard an almighty screech, the sound of crashing glass and several screams. She glanced in her rear view mirror, out her windows and then finally turned around in her seat. She could see a car stopped in the middle of the road, it's windscreen broken, and people rushing towards it. She got out of the car, hoping the female driver was ok. As she moved towards the vehicle her focus changed from the woman behind the wheel to the large amounts of blood on the windscreen and bonnet and to the crowd gathered on the road in front of the car.
She looked around for Olivia. She looked at the post box on the other side of the road, but she was not there. She did a full 360 degree turn, thinking how typical it was of her daughter to wander off instead of coming straight back to the car. Instinctively she knew, but to admit it would mean having to deal with it, and she didn't think she could.
She stopped. She tried to breathe. Her hand over her mouth, she dropped her keys and could feel her heart race. She knew.
Slowly sounds came back to her, firstly muffled and warped, but she soon realised that she was screaming at the top of her lungs and several people were trying to calm her, and that's when it happened.
She saw Olivia. They say your life flashes in front of your eyes just before you die, but it was Olivia's life that was flashing in front of Alison's eyes. She saw her purple face the moment she was put on Alison's chest, cord still attached. She saw her taking her first steps, her first day of school. She saw her doing ballet, riding her bike, sipping a milkshake and giggling with glee. And she began to see the events of Olivia's life that she would not experience. Her birthdays, falling in love, marrying and having her own children.
Later at the hospital, as Alison was left alone with her daughter to say goodbye, she cleaned her daughters wounds, she held her beautiful girl and craved to never let her go. She wept. Her whole body grieved as she desperately willed this to be a horrible prank. Why her daughter? Why? What was the point?
Hayden had to virtually carry Alison out of the cold morgue in the hospital. The very idea that this was the last time she would ever be with her child, the only thing in this world that she could be completely proud of, was devastating. Her whole body ached with the pain of the loss of her Olivia. How would she get up each day? Why would she get up each day? What was the point of making money if you had nothing to look forward to? Why clean a house, cook nutritious meals, plan family outings if there was nobody to appreciate them?
That night as Alison and Hayden tried to make sense of what had happened and what needed to be done they made a decision. It was the one thing they agreed on. They knew what needed to be done with Olivia's remains.
As the time approached for the funeral to begin Alison felt ill. Her tongue felt swollen and her skin felt detached from her body. She hated the idea of some man, who had barely known her daughter, conducting a "service to commemorate her life." It was insulting. How could one hour with this man allow a congregation to fully understand what Alison had lost? The world would never be blessed with the young woman her 7 year old was turning out to be. She was funny, and beautiful, and smart, and cheeky, and witty and vivacious. How was this fair? What would she have been when she grew up? She wanted to be a ballerina, and a fireman and Lady Gaga. She had dreams and hopes, and still felt the magic of Christmas. This beautiful soul had a purpose in life, Alison knew it, so why was her life cut short?
At the church people carefully approached Alison and clumsily expressed their sorrow. She could see how many of them were hurting but instead of feeling connected to them she felt anger. How dare they presume to know anything about her pain! How dare they say "she will be missed!"
"Of course she'll be bloody missed" Alison burned. "She was my whole life!"
The service was nice. They played lovely songs and said lovely things and prayed lovely prayers. None of it mattered. What was the point? Alison couldn't help feeling that this whole performance was so everyone else could feel better about themselves. So they could feel like they had done their "duty". So they could say "we're so sorry this happened to YOU" and "we're so sorry for YOUR loss" when what they really meant was "Thank God this didn't happen to US."
The Pastor was drawing to a close, summing up Olivia's life and wrapping it in a neat little bow so everyone here could go on with their lives, satisfied they had fulfilled their duty to "say their final goodbyes." Alison began to feel a release, like she had been holding her breath and was now slowly releasing it. She felt Hayden squeeze her hand and she glanced at him.
"You still sure you want to do this" he whispered.
She nodded with certainty. She had never been more sure of anything in her life.
"Olivia's parents have asked for a private cremation and invite you now to say your final goodbyes. A wake, to celebrate the life of Olivia Flint, will be held immediately after this service at the home of Mr and Mrs Flint. You are all welcome to head straight there." The Pastor informed the congregation in an almost melodic tone.
As people began making their way out of the small chapel, some coming forward to lay flowers or teddy bears on Olivia's tiny coffin, Alison wished they would hurry up. She felt like yelling at them to "get out" and to "leave my baby alone," but instead she smiled politely, and accepted their condolences like they were really helping her in her healing process.
Finally only the Pastor remained with Alison, Hayden and the coffin. As planned, Hayden spoke quietly to the Pastor requesting a short moment for Alison and he to say their final goodbyes to their daughter.
The Pastor nodded knowingly and patted Hayden's back. "Take all the time you need" he'd be saying, thought Alison.....just as they'd planned, and he left to meet with the other mourners outside the chapel.
Hayden joined Alison next to the tiny white coffin. She could feel the warmth from his body and she leant back on him, allowing him to be her support. He leaned around her and slowly lifted the lid of the closed coffin. Flowers, teddies and letters from Olivia's classmates fell from the lid to the floor. Alison was worried that the noise of the insignificant items hitting the wooden floorboards would draw the attention of the Pastor, but the solid double doors were securely closed and there was no movement beyond them.
She focused on her beautiful daughter's little face, peaceful, quiet and innocent. Alison leaned over her and whispered "I love you, pumpkin" and kissed her soft, strawberry lips.
Hayden was weeping, and Alison realised it was the first time she had seen him cry since the accident. She moved aside to let him talk to Olivia.
As she watched her husband whisper gentle lullabies to his precious baby she felt a calmness sweep over her. The pain she had been feeling, the loss, the anger, the confusion, the guilt, the love, the hate, the crushing misery of losing her only child, had lifted. She felt at ease, almost at rest.
Hayden turned to her and asked again, "you sure?"
"Absolutely" she stated and stood up from the pew she'd been sitting on and went to him. "Are you?"
"Not a doubt in my mind" he smiled and held her tight. "I love you both more than anything in this world" he reiterated, "it's right".
"Thank you" she said and kissed him hard.
She could feel the warmth behind her, she continued to kiss him as the sound of the flames and the heat began to overtake her. She could feel the flames take the track of the ethanol they had spread through the chapel earlier in preparation for this moment. The flames engulfed the small building quickly and soon the two of them were overcome with the flames. Neither of them had screamed, they couldn't, their mouths were locked together. The fire took so quickly that it was mere minutes before they were both unconscious, and by the time the remaining mourners were aware that the building was alight, Alison, Hayden and their daughter were all dead. Together. The way it was meant to be. After all, that was the point.