Keep Holding On(Marie Steward) By Marie Steward
Published: 11/23/2012 on Buzzle
Posted here by Alesha, age 12, from the UK



I felt the blood rushing down my back and the pain as the bruises started forming. I saw him smile with satisfaction as he heard me scream in agony. This is just like a game to him. He likes to watch me bleed and watch me suffer even though I’ve done nothing to him. But I guess that’s what bullies do. Another shot of pain ran through me as I felt him kicking me in the ribs. I could also see everyone else looking in a circle, and laughing at me. Obviously, I was defenseless. I knew that there was not one person in this room who would help me. Of course, this is not the first time it has happened. By the way high school sucks, and the people in it too.

Everyone started laughing even louder. He grabbed me by the back of my shirt and made me stand up. With a single glance he smirked, and raised his big fist and punched me right in the middle of my face. The torture kept going. More blood and more pain and it just wouldn’t stop. That was until I lost my consciousness, I couldn’t feel anything, and everything went black. When I woke up, it was dark; the small little room with just one window was obscure. I couldn’t feel my body. My ribs, my face, my legs, everything hurt if I moved. I just waited for a while and then put myself together and stood up. I got out; there was no one in school. The halls were empty (that’s good).

I took the walk home, it wasn’t so painful. When I got to my house, trying to hide from my mom didn’t work.
"Oh! My 'lil Kiddo! What happened to you?"
"Nothing mom, I just fell off the stairs." I said as calmly as I could. In reality I just wanted to run to my room and scream my way to sleep.
"Sweetie, you’ve got to be more careful! Let me get you some ice."

She got me some ice. Then I went to my room, locked the door and sat on the floor. My mind disconnected from my body and I was totally numb. The tears rolled down without me wanting them to, but it just happened. There’s so much pain, you know? That’s the only thing I could feel. I just sat there, staring at my blue walls, and everything was blurry. I didn’t have enough strength to get up and go to bed. So, I just fell to one side, the one that hurt less, curled up into a ball, and cried my eyes out.

I woke up again. Something I didn't want to happen, but you know? Again things happen without me wanting them to. I wish I could just sleep forever. Never wake up to this never-ending nightmare. I can’t handle this; I don’t think I’m able to. But then again, I don’t think I have a choice. I couldn't leave mom and dad alone, I’m their only daughter.

When I got to school, I made my best effort to hide. Things just seem to not work out for me anymore. He, Daniel, was already waiting for me. Right there, he was standing, looking right in my direction. I felt spasms through my body and I just wanted to run away and hide, but my feet were locked to the floor. He got closer and closer and I couldn’t move. I felt the horror in my face and I know he saw it there too.

"How’d you sleep last night, weirdo?"
He could see the horror in my face, I was sure of that now.
"What? Are you scared of me, you little retard?"
"Please, just leave me alone." I managed to say.
"Oh! How lovely! The little freaky weirdo wants me to leave him alone! What a surprise? He said smiling even though his words were pure sarcasm.
"Please," I pleaded.
"Well, I’m wishing you good luck on that. Look at me, if you ever tell anyone about this, you know what will happen right?"
"No."

"Well, I don’t think you want to find out. But if I ever hear that you told anyone, expect the worst. Well, either way you’ll sound pathetic and everyone will know how stupid you are. No one is going to believe you. You know what? You should just go kill yourself. You’re such a waste of space; you shouldn’t have even been born."

"What did I ever do to you?"
"It’s just your face, you, you’re so disgusting. Just looking at your face hurts. You’re such a loner, emo, pathetic retard, you’re just not meant to be alive. I’m just giving you advice here. Go. Kill. Yourself."

Then the bell rang, he looked up, then kicked me and ran to his class. I’m numb.
So it was like that for the next few days. Every time I got home, I got more bruises and cuts. In my mind were all the words, names and things he has said to me, the laugh of his friends as they watched my misery. There were also the faces of the people passing by. Looking at me and just walking away with no reaction. I wonder what that must feel like. I’m sure that if I were brave enough, I would help anyone who’s being bullied. No one deserves this kind of pain, not even bullies themselves.

I was just so tired of life. The pain never went away. The bullying got worse and no one did anything about it. I felt like if I were drowning, going deeper and deeper into the water as time passed by. I couldn’t breathe, and the aching of my lungs for air was always there, torturing me. The need to escape, the need to survive was there, I just needed to find a way how I could do those things without ending it all. Sometimes I just wish I could shut off, forget everything, the worries, the pain, the sadness, and everything. Just be happy for a minute.

What if I just ended it all? What if that’s the only way out? That just seems like the only option. Life just wasn’t meant to be like this, so painful, and so depressing. I can’t. I just… can’t. I heard everyone at school saying I was better off dead. Maybe they are right; maybe I wasn’t supposed to be born. Maybe I’m the freakiest, emo, stupid, idiotic, waste of space, fake loner in the world. Maybe they are right, and I should just end it all.

I sat in my room considering the idea. I could just take some pills, or maybe my dad’s gun. That’s it. That’ll be quick, maybe painful but quick.

Tears were rolling down my eyes and I was shaking, but this was it. I put the gun to my head. Everything I've ever loved, everything I've ever hated, everything I've never wanted, all of it’s going to be gone. The hate, the pain, the regret, the anxiety, the hurt, all of it’s going to be gone. Peace. That’s what waited for me, or so I thought. Mom and dad, the only people who kept me living until now, they will be in my heart, even after I’m dead. They love me, probably the only people who ever will. The thing they didn't know is that their daughter is broken beyond repair, and there seems to be nothing that would save her. I tried my hardest, but it’s not good enough.

With determination I put the gun to my head. I shut my eyes as tight as they could. My heart was beating so fast, I might as well just die of a heart attack. My body was shaking, and the tears were overwhelming. I was gasping for air because there seemed to be none. This type of pain was unbearable. My mind hurt. My mind was screaming at me how much of a coward I was. I felt the need to just pull the trigger, but there was something stopping me. Will I just end my life because of bullying? Am I not strong enough? My mother and my father raised their child to be strong and get through the worst. Did that not work? Am I going to give up so easily? Let them rule over me and make me feel like I’m nothing, like they are better than me?

At that exact moment I just realized how unfair it was. They get what they want. They get me dead, but on the other hand, I don’t get anything from them. They just sit there and watch me get worse and worse as they pass. They watch their goal coming closer to accomplishment. But I won’t give them that satisfaction. I will get through this no matter how hard it gets.

I put the gun down, with my eyes still shut. Tears were flooding from my eyes. I just started sobbing, sobbing really loud. It was over.

My mom came running in, she saw the gun, and then looked into my eyes with horror in her eyes. She saw all the agony I was holding back, all the despair, everything that was killing me inside, and everything. My dad came after, when he saw his gun, his eyes widened in shock.

"Honey, you can’t do this. You can’t leave us, sweetie. Why would you do this? We love you so much, sweetheart. Give me the gun. Scarlett, look at me. Everything is going to be okay. You’re going to get through this. Honey, I love you," she was sobbing, and my dad, his face full of pain, hurt to even look at. The tears in his eyes were tears of pure pain.

"Scarlett." That’s all he said, his expression was full of pleading agony. Pleading to know why, to know what’s going on, to know if I loved them enough to stay. I realized that they were the only reason I existed, and that was good enough.

I learned that there’s always going to be people who are going to hate you, judge you, or like you. There’s always going to be someone saying something behind your back. There are people who act like they are your friends when they aren’t. In other words, people can hurt you, really bad. I realized that the reasons to live are always there, live for what you love, even if it’s something that seems insignificant. Bullying can make people believe in lies. I believed that there was no other way out other than what Daniel told me. To kill myself seemed like the only option I had. It wasn’t true, and I realized that just in time.

No one should ever have to be bullied like I was. No one deserves that, and being free of it, it’s peaceful, it’s calm, it’s just right, and it’s peace of mind. You don’t have to be worried about what will happen to you the next day, if you are going to make it or not. You have to be in control of your life and not let anyone else rule you. You are worth it, you are not all those names they call you by, you are who you are, and that’s the only thing that matters. If you are happy with the way you are, then you’ll be happy forever. You are perfect being the way you are, and you should not let anyone else tell you otherwise.

I felt like I had no one, like I was alone and no one was there to help me. There were actually many people out there that could help me, I just didn't know. I've got to go to therapy every month, but Daniel is now in jail for violent bullying. I can’t feel any freer than I do now.

While I’m here walking through the school halls, I've actually seen people, their faces, I never did before because I was only looking for one face, the face I had to hide from. Now that I see happy people in here, the good people, I see that high school isn't as bad as I thought. You just have to surround yourself by the right people, and you’ll be happy. The calm atmosphere is so overwhelming; I’m actually smiling and not faking it. Life does get better, and I’m so glad that I’m still alive. I’m so glad, I got to live this moment.

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