Ambulatory 911 call from an ambulance(Russell E. Teed) An ambulatory 911 call from an ambulance

I saw an ambulance pull up in front of my neighbor’s house late last night. I had ingested a few goblets of wine by this time and curiosity bested me. I strolled over behind it to get a good look but there was no one in sight.

I decided to hop in the back and mused at all the medical gadgets. Opportunist I am, I then decided to check my own vitals. I attached the sticky wire things on my ribs and chest and just for kicks I screamed, ‘code red’! I’ve always wanted to do that.

Well, that was boring so I strapped on the automatic blood pressure taker and turned it on. When I snapped out of it and woke up I thought to myself – don’t ever wrap the automatic blood pressure taker thing around my neck again!

Moving on I found a pair of large silver headphones. This was peculiar to me so I taped them to my ears and flicked on the ‘power’ button. I was thrashed across the ambulance to the other side of the truck at the speed of sound, but it felt like the speed of light. I was shaking like a bowl of Jell-O on a hot griddle. Then I noticed the machine was labeled – ‘defibrillator’. I attempted to yell ‘code red’ for real this time but my tooth fillings were moderately welded shut.

While the smoke was clearing I thought – I’ve got to get me one of these things for party nights! It’d come in handy for when the kids get too rambunctious. The dog barking too much, unwanted guests, grandma won't wake up, long lines at the deli, door to door salesman. Wow, these things have unlimited potential applications!

It turns out that the first ambulance guys fell down the stairs and were taken away by a different ambulance. My neighbor was also sent a new ambulance but they saw the first ambulance that I was in and assumed the matter was under control. So, yet another ambulance had to be deployed and of course, I needed one desperately.

911 call (through my clenched teeth) - “I‘m in an ambulance and I need an ambulance. Oh, and a fire extinguisher, and lots of ice, and a fresh pair of shorts, and an anti-defibrillator please, and I seem to be magnetized to the ambulance”.

911 attendant - “Click” – dial tone…

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