The Ultimate Dream(Somaye Javadi) The Ultimate Dream
By Somaye Javadi


That sense of sinking again; of being dragged into a maelstrom of facts; of being filled over the tolerance threshold with the incessant thoughts spewing in the mind; Blame! Stupidity! Being caught in life’s game! Life! Love! Lust! Lie! Fancy! Vanity! Eyes! That day! Heart! Dreams! Feelings! Waiting on Wantings! World! Worlds! War! Bread! Blood soaked bodies! Pride! Fears! God! Imaginations! Faith! Frustration! Trust! Past! Present! Future! Game! Fairy legend!

Sara turns over onto the back in bed and stares into the vague space of ceiling; For a couple of weeks she is feeling distressed as soon as waking up; Knowing what to expect the whole day long makes her feel like throwing all those indigested routines and crude feelings up! Even though she has been told these all are normal, the alarming impacts of being very optimistic about changing the life’s direction for the better are so piercing that she can’t easily ignore it.

Once again, that caustic pain in her abdomen! An indecipherable force which is breaking through a dream, struggling with formidable obstacles from the murkiest part of soul to her dystopia outside! An intense jostle that disrupts the lining thoughts and swerves her attention into itself! Despite others, this sharp pain seems to be the herald of clearing doubts; of shedding fears not tears; of drowning boundaries not drawing them; of a growing hope; of a glorious survival and the omen of love.

Rolling to the right side Sara curls herself up looking into someone invisible in the eye. Even a mirage of his hands that are being twined around her waist can disperse all those ‘fears’. This vision seems so real, so close that she can even feel the reflection of his warm breath slapping softly across her face. That sharp pain in her abdomen again! As soon as she wants to share her cute dream with him, a new cycle of ‘buts’ and ‘ifs’ begins to doubt about the validity of his existence. “You are not him! You never want to talk to me!” she says to that phantom. Knowing well about the mind’s tricks in difficult times doesn’t let her enjoy the daydreaming but what really makes her upset is herself; how can she be hopeful after his utter indifference to her feelings?! How can she give these feelings permission to surface! “He already left me behind!” she mumbles this to herself and throws her sad look at his eyes and melts into a stream with taking every step through those two hot emerald mines, flowing inside towards a way out! His image is blurred in Sara’s teary-eyes. That wise old man was right! There will be no cure to end this pain but to abort her hope; then she might be set free of all regrets; nonetheless it wasn’t easy to make a decision about.

It has been a while since she found herself on the stage, being dead on her feet with an empty theater ahead; she has to admit it and return to her rock; soon a fresh, endless monotonous repetition will be restarted; they no longer enjoy their own pre–devised play, scrambling for a cynic’s unachievable trust and heart, she thinks. It doesn’t matter since man has a long experience of ways to overcome this problem. A precious prescription! Sara can even hear people’s advice clearly and it’s to forget and move forward; to forget the moment of awakening and realising the torture of forgetting; but what if the process of remembering and forgetting is a part of their game?! How could she avoid that trap? Sara pushes herself upright and sits on the bed; although she feels like doing something to be released from the doubts spining around her, nothing much can be done at this point but resorting to her loneliness and silently crying out.

Two little hands! Two little hands come to her rescue and draw her out of the depths of the oppressive turmoils she has been stuck behind; Sara raises her head to look at her saviour gently touching her face; as if she knows this innocent look albeit has no idea where he comes from! Is he referring to her womanly needs for having a baby?! She has never imagined a face for her prospective kids. However, if she was to depict a face or character for them she would definitely do it in perfect! The best and the cutest children and future’s adults ever! But the reality could have been far different from her imaginations; just because of this important issue she has always put her longings off! Her maternal feelings shouldn’t be affected by some fake imagery! The last vestiges of resistance against a growing need are fading away as though the sound of the kid’s laughter rings around the room. How an old flame has been manifested in this little boy? What is it inciting in her to make any sacrifices for him without any expectation in return? She asks herself. His smile which is as much delightful as taking a deep breath of the delicately moistened, cool, clean air flowing through the dewed leaves of the entwined branches of trees in a mountain forest, splashing happiness over her life! This messey curly hair! These dark green eyes! These small sweet teeth! All are familiar! “I don’t want to be taken in by this wishful thinking” repeating this loudly Sara strives not to be swayed by these fancies so gets up from the bed and sits in front of the dressing table. This is one of her routines; to go look in the mirror every morning; to watch her puffy eyes! The little boy comes down from the bed and runs after Sara while she doesn’t intend to turn around for even a short glance at him crying louder opening his arms for a hug. “Shut him up!” Sara inevitably commands herself and a moment later, unrests are chased away. Looking in the mirror again she notices something appalling with her reflection this time. The more focusing with the eyes widened on the image, the more she feels alienated from her exotic reflection. The kid boy clings himself to her trembling slim body which hits the floor in a second.

How long has passed since she opened her eyes to the sheer darkness?! Everything here seems to be frozen; neither a tiniest light beam nor a faint sound from an unwanted move nearby! Nothing except this hectic silence which rules the area! Yet the little boy has clung to her; having found her arms the safest place, he has no idea he himself was protective of her. Until when she is going to remain grounded in this blackout! Sara thinks. After pulling herself together she tries to remember what happened to her while sharing thoughts out loud with the little boy. That caustic pain! Yet the residue of which is being felt. It began from a dream; there she was expecting a baby! Not a baby’s father to back her up, not even a friend to give her heart, and she was worried how her baby’s face would turn out or what would happen if she couldn’t keep her baby alive!! The dream was refreshing those forgotten hopes; maybe she just needed to have patience! Afterwards, the entire troop of reality came to confront with only a few slender fancies and a couple of forlorn idealistic old wishes and some strong but inexperienced desires with the hope of materialisation, flaunting in her mind. In the midst of the exhibition of their power she fainted because of that alien reflection rather than what she had got used to seeing in the mirror. “Where are we? Have we lost in the mirror?” she asks the little kid and receives his giggle instead. Perceiving the fact that waiting for a miracle to save them from this darkness can be disappointing Sara gets up to navigate where to go while holding the kid tighly in her arms. She can feel the soft soil under her feet soles. This so called path might lead them into a muddy hole or even the worse destination! A deep morass! Sara starts carefully taking small steps but after a while blindly watching out for any pot hole or probable stuff she gets exhausted so strides along the rest of the way without thinking about the possibilities they might face.

No one single star to glitter in this prolonged night sky, not even the chirping of a cricket to break the silence of the lifeless land; if this is a dream then it has taken so long! Sara thinks to herself as she no longer feels her feet whereas it overtly smells the way she wouldn’t want to take them out. “Why did we stop?” the little boy says when Sara plopped herself down on the ground. “Hmm… so you could speak!!? Baby!?” she replies. Instead, he drives her crazy by wiggling and jiggling too much; there is not much talk between them and this is exactly what causes her to get nervous! Lying beside the kid, smelling and stroking his hair Sara tries to get some peace of mind; “if it’s possible!” she mutters…

_ I hope you will experience ‘love’, then you may find out the meaning of a bubbling soul and…
_ Well discussion about ‘soul’ or ‘spirit’ is outside of neuroscience and discussion about ‘identity’ requires a belief in devine and that is something I do not subscribe to, we are product of the environment and the predisposition of our genes…
_ Love doesn’t have to do with genes and hormones…
_ Of course it does, all human emotion does. We are biological chemical animals. All of our emotions are just some reactions in the brain…
_ I hope you feel love at first sight then… when the level of your hormones is normal…
_ Oh I don’t doubt people really do fall in love as they, particularly women, gain more economic and political power and mobility! Real love forms over time… in a partnership…
_ Real love has to do with an old kinship that you can’t remember unless love lightenes the dark, hidden part of you… in this equation what really matters is love; not you or even your loved one… doesn’t it mean anything to you?
_ I don’t place any imagined primordial connotation to love… phrasing that conundrum in that way is somehow tautology! Well people don’t fall in love with someone from just seeing them. They may find someone attractive and lust after them at various levels… of course I don’t believe in love at first sight, real love is dealing with everything that life throws at you… you… you would never meet someone for the first time and think that this person will look after me no matter what life throws at you!
_ What have I done wrong? I’m just trying to share my feelings…
_ I have a partner that I love very much, with whom I have built a life!
_ What life?! Please think more… is that what you want of your life?! Don’t you want to have a real family?
_ I’m fed up with people telling me being gay is bad… I’m happy with who I am, there is no need to change my lifestyle.
_ You don’t know what happiness is! I won’t give up even if a miracle is all you need! Please! I can’t and I won’t forget you! There are gay people who have converted to straight ones…
_ I don’t, but you really need a miracle to change your mind! Sigh! I hope you don't think any differently of me knowing what you now know…

Sara felt like dying to get rid of that irritating apparent coolness from him; of those two hands which had been wrapped around his waist; of imagining two manly figures making love; of the nightly headaches; of all those resentments; of people who only were able to say her love wasn’t worth even thinking about; of the whole universe that conspired to get them to meet each other when one was travelling around the world in search of the meaning of life and the other looking for the lost blue fairy who could give a proper response to the sense of missing she had been suffering from; of all the sweet words, useless begging, scientific reasons and religious advices she had used to attract his attention; to just say a simple thing, that she truly loved him. Something quickly crosses her mind and breaks the unrelenting thoughts; maybe she has already got rid of them! All the plans for finding a solution to duly attend work are splintered as though silence spreads its wings over the claws of sleep thrusting into her blood turning cold. “Finished!” no need to bother about them any longer, Sara thinks. Tears run down; there is no fuel left. Wiping them out of Sara’s face with those little hands and soft caresses he tries to put a smile on her lips. “Don’t worry baby! I’ll take care of you …let me find a way to get out of here.” He takes Sara’s hand and before knowing what is happening she finds herself following him …
The sound of breathing is heard; as if someone is standing next to them. The kid clings to her leg; “Can you see something?” Sara asks the little boy while holding him tightly and gathering all her courage to shout who they are! “Eldin!!” the sound replies in a firm tone.
“Where is here? Hell?!” Sara asks.
“Let him go and come with me… I can help you” Eldin demands.
“Any more kind suggestions?!” Sara answers angrily.
“So you are still involved in your miseries” Eldin mumbles with contempt.

She Feels a hand on her shoulder and turns around. “It always happens when you have the least to expect” a deep manly voice croons in her ear. His voice seems familiar. These words too are familiar; whenever Sara poured her heart out to Phil, a close pen pal she has never seen, she would love to hear it from him. Some words can only alleviate the grief; this is one of those promising inspirations she had been given when drowning in despair …and yet he is invisible; out of reach and only words! Words which came to dispel her lethargy …the sound of rolling wheels that coupled with a man’s deep breathing is heard from the near distance. It seems like someone is really pushing or pulling a cart hard. Her heart starts bouncing back and forth as the cart passes them by and leaves the whiff of flowers in the air. A memory flashes in her mind. She used to see an old man carrying a cart of flowers in silence with the eyes hidden behind his bushy eyebrows and that deep scowl; no wonder he couldn’t cry out a word anymore as he was too old for pushing such heavy stuff in a time people used cars even for short trips. Maybe he couldn’t stay at home sitting and not doing anything. Maybe he was poor and needed to work at that age. Once she tried to help him because he had been short of breath when walking up an incline but he rebuffed her hand out of his cart and left her watching him walk away. Sara unconsciously follows the cart; the more they go through, the brighter their surroundings become. She can now see the old man’s back and his flower filled cart still continuing the way in silence and the kid is curiously looking around. They are trudging on the bouyant glowing road stretching into infinity, being derived from several shiny rings around a peaceful gaint human’s brain in the background and it has a resonance for her; not in the sperical shape but as much beautiful as Saturn. Perhaps they were walking on that brain all the time! Sara thinks to herself and notices that the old man has disappeared in the brightness of the road; yet the whiff of his flowers has lingered in the air. Following her nose, the smell leads them into the widespread meadow on either side of a path running through a city which has loomed in the horizon. Now she feels safe and hurries to get there…

Stepping through a cafe’s door she feels the weight of stares when making her way towards the toilet to check her face in the mirror. It seems like they have gathered here from different regions and eras; from all walks of life in various colour skins and outward appearances and languages…
Her reflection in the mirror is still different from what she has been accustomed to and incredibly uglier than ever. “Maybe this is real Sara” she thinks. “Do you like me as your mum?” she asks the kid and brings a sweet smile to his cute face. Perhaps she will have to find a job in this new world! Then they can live happy together; maybe they need to complement their small family by adding a good father for him; Sara thinks and wishes that her parents could see how this little kid has brightened up her new life. Now after leaving behind all those difficult moments, other needs and questions are being raised. What to call her kid?! She has not named him yet and the name ‘Omid’(Hope) fits this little boy well. Enjoying the reaction of kid when calling him ‘Omid’ Sara walks over to the bar. This time she is greeted with people’s curious stares and their big smiles. A young man steps forward and points her to the nearest table. Sitting in front of them he spins his finger in the air and orders some food just before Sara wants to say something. People are secretly looking at them, waiting to see the results of the young man’s talks. “Remember me Sara?” the youg man asks while having a meaningful smile on his face. Sara answers in the negative and helps Omid eat his food and wonders to herself if she needs to eat anything in this world too? “You have seen all folks here in the past… well, it takes time to remember everything” the young man says and Sara ponders the moments that could help her remember something. An elder man on the corner raises his hand and says he is a journalist. His accent shows he is from South America. A Chinese woman introduces herself as a teacher. Sara thinks maybe she had seen them all on TV in documentaries or movies or in the news. Looking deeply into the young man’s eyes she spotted him and where he comes from; a dream; he was leading her into a fire altar temple on top of a high mountain. They wanted to know if she had the ability to keep the flames growing and Sara persisted in being able to do so. “Ok! I couldn’t! Is it all you can do?! To direct people into the pain!!” Sara angrily says. The Chinese teacher comes to them and sits close to Omid, fondling his hair, reminds Sotiri not to force Sara. He gets up from the table and leaves the cafe. The thought of losing her only friend among these strangers brings tears to Sara’s eyes but the woman assures that Sotiri loves her, so he will be back soon. A handsome man walks into the café. Throwing his cold glance at Sara He sits down near them. “Oh! See who is here! How are you Sara?” the man asks and she recognises his voice at once. It was Eldin who kindly offered help! The Chinese woman feels uneasy and gives him a dirty look while trying to distract Sara’s attention by bringing a suggestion of introducing her friends up. “Will you help her to remember, Mrs. Teacher? Eldin says with a sneer on his face. “You wanna help me?” Sara asks Eldin. “I could have helped but you didn’t want to! Yet you like to interpret the most primitive tendencies in a spiritual way!” Eldin says. “Don’t make it complicated! There are two circles side by side beginning to overlap on top of one another; where are you standing Eldin!? It is understandable if someone says ‘there is no border between love and lust’… your outlook depends on where you stand among these overlapping, occulting circles’ Sara says. Getting up from the table Eldin beckons Sara to follow him. Maybe this teacher or that journalist or others in this café or that new world are all her forgotten heros who had affected her life for a millisecond of time, otherwise she could quickly tell the originality of them. Sara has made a world of a billion informations of what she has seen around or heard about or thought over in life; of memories which cannot now be remembered in detail. There will be no wrong or right option. Remembering could only release her from that inner bedlam. She grabs Omid and after a brief good bye with the Chinese teacher, leaves the café to catch up with the eager Eldin while feeling people’s anxious look on her back…

It seems like everything here has been classified in an eccentric discipline. Streets that she felt very comfortable when walking through; as if all the good had been accumulated there. Alley ways which made her worried with those mysterious looks lurking around… and a little along the way, they run into a guy on the other side of a huge crack who has sat in his seclusion while looking down shedding sorrows on the debris of a memory which had been left from the previous day; as alike as two peas in a pod! Just like identical twins, but how can it be possible! She knows this face; this curly blonde hair; this tanned skin; this well built body wearing a brown t–shirt; he looks like the one she is in love with! Waving her hand Sara calls the guy out but no answer is heard except a horrific thunder from the sky getting black and foretelling a storm on the way. “You finally found the origin you have been looking for!” Eldin says, looking into the distance. The huge crack meanders up the mountain in which the fire altar temple is located. Then following it would take them to the next destination.

“It’s your decision to make in the end! Please don’t act like a clueless girl!” Eldin says.
“Maybe I owe everyone an apology!” Sara says angrily.
“Please!!! I apologize on behalf of fate! Sorry! He made a grave mistake…he never imagined you wouldn’t give up!” Eldin says while trying to stifle his laughter and continues his words with a serious tone: “Leave Omid to the hands of fate! Let him go if you want to come back to life… or take him to the temple where the last small fire is being dimmed… in this case, prepare yourself to see the true face of pain” and he then makes his way toward the temple. “Monster stage one!” Sara mutters in Omid’s ear and they both chuckle at him. Although these are only piled up memories, if she was supposed to stay there she would prefer to share life with him but even his phantom seems to be unattainable.

Sitting across from the guy on the other side of the crack Sara tries to get his heartache rippling on those charming dark green eyes. When they had first met she was enchanted by this very look and felt a deep bond between them. Those appealing yearnings came true on a beautiful spring’s morning and went away the month after. Her pertinacity against the flow brought her to this world and yet she has to choose between two options!

The wind begins to blow stronger and howls through the changing landscape. She feels the presence of someone behind her. “You just made things difficult for yourself!” Sotiri says in a low voice when Sara briefly turns around. A flash heavy rain runs down and quickly causes a strong flood; Sara clutches Omid tightly in her arms; the crowd is running around for a safe place. Their wails are being heard from every corner of this hillfoot village just when the deadly landslide occurs and drags some people down. He and his mother are crossing the flood to reach higher ground; the mother is now standing next to Sara, waiting for him. “He never can pass the flood” Sara says while trying to keep her cool. It’s only a reminiscence of a memory from that documentary in which a guy had been buried under the mass of mud in a twinkling before his mother who had stood frozen in shock. Afterwards days spent thinking about his fate; wishing for a gentle incident instead; reading the news and comparing ‘poverty, inequity, hunger and famine, financial and economic crisis, war, natural disasters and routines’ to see what conditions could be worse; struggling to escape from the reality of humankind’s play; crying out when feeling unable to change the sad endings.

“Let’s keep the flame alive” Sotiri says. She must come to a decision immediately; leaving her Omid to the fierce raging water is over her ability even though this could bring her back to the previous life but she can’t watch him fall once again, no matter it is only a repetition of a memory! Omid stares so deeply at Sara that he makes her eyes wet as if he has realised that the moment of farewell is coming.
“Goodbye son of the love’s temple…
Goodbye spirit of the future…
The sweetness of awaiting moments…
The softness of unsaid complaints…
Goodbye playmate of the unanswered prayer…
Goodbye innocent look in hover…
I’ll be waiting for you where the sun haunts…
When you, my dawn warrior break over the town….
You must be alive for the faith wants to blossom on truth…
You will shine over the broken hearts that only have moon…
And I’ll be waiting for you where the sun haunts…
If the life’s collapse lets my heart pulsate…
If the night’s corps lets the dreams eventuate…
If the dark clouds let my hopes loom…
If the fate’s hands let the throat croon…
I know… you will shine over the broken hearts that only have moon...
You must be alive for the faith wants to blossom on truth…”

While kissing his hands Sara whispers these in Omid’s ear and gives him to Sotiri. “I trust you!” she says. “Don’t start a new cycle…” Sotiri says humbly while taking Omid from her hands, but Sara is determined to go for this mirage…

Before taking another step toward him she looks back for a moment to where Sotiri and Omid are walking up that mountain; his little Omid will be safe! Sara extends her hand, asking him to hurry; the warmness of his hand too is exactly as the last time they had talked face to face; while he was burning, her hand was as cold as ice. “Is that him?” Sara asks herself… The sealed fate pulls both of them down, making them let go of each other’s hands with every descent…

That sense of sinking again; of being dragged into a maelstrom of facts; of being filled over the tolerance threshold by the incessant thoughts spewing in the mind… Sara wakes up in a darkish room filled with medical equipment making frightening rhythmic sounds. Another dream has begun here in this room; in this world; the world of realities! She had tried her best...! Hope! Nothing else comes to her mind while gazing at the trace of life on the blue monitor near the bed…

Head in their problems, the crowd of nine to five commuters are walking in rush and nobody cares about the kid making too much fuss as he asks his mother to let go of his hand… every body passes him by and he screams out loud! Sara halts to see where the voice came from. She knows that messy curly blonde hair; that sweetest face ever disappearing into the crowd. Running after them she finds him at the bus station; before getting the opportunity to cajole his mother to let her hug him, the next bus arrives and its doors open to the passengers; she only has the chance to stealthy stroke his hair and watch him leave as he looks back smiling at her…

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