Burn in Hell!(Hassan Shezad) BURN IN HELL!

That’s what I got told for being in love.

I met him while studying at university. It started just as a friendship but after a few months I realised I wanted to spend more and more time with him and when I wasn’t with him I would miss him like crazy.

Just to get a glimpse of him during lectures was enough at times, just to see his angelic face and him look at me and smile melted my heart. I never expressed my feelings to him, I was afraid for so many reasons, but most of all of losing him.

At least this way we had a friendship. I could not risk losing this for anything. As time went on he took over my thoughts, my dreams, and my life. I became so intensely in love with him that being away from him was unbearable. I had never felt like this for anyone and never thought this would ever happen to me. I tried so hard to take control of my feelings, to tell myself this was wrong but the more I did the more I wanted him.

One evening following a night out to celebrate the birthday of one of our friends, we sat outside the halls chatting for hours. It was a cool night and we could see some stars in the sky. We talked about life, our dreams, our ambitions, what we hoped to achieve and what made us happy. As we chatted on the outdoor steps, I felt him move closer to me. It must have been 2.00am in the morning and it was becoming fairly chilly. I remember I began to shiver and suddenly felt his arm around me as he tried to warm me up. I looked towards him and saw that magical smile of his which I craved so much. I looked in to his eyes for a couple of minutes, but it felt like a lifetime. For some reason I wanted that moment to last a lifetime. Looking into his eyes I felt I had been absorbed by some strange wonder out of this world. The feeling was so warm and enduring; as I looked deeper and deeper he leant forward and kissed me.

Did I pass out for a minute? Had I left my body and now was floating in between the stars? Was this for real or was this a dream? So many things were going through my head as his lips touched mine. I remember thinking ‘Please don’t let me go... Don’t ever let me go.’

It has now been 2 years since that kiss. Following that night we spent a lot of time together until I slowly began to distance myself from him. I would purposely behave in such a way to hurt him, for him to leave me, to forget me, but nothing seemed to work. He would express his love even more and would tell me he would give up living but would not give up me.

And the truth is I loved him, more than he could ever imagine, but this love was wrong. What we were doing was wrong. The more I wanted him the more I would push him away, trying so hard to get him out of my head, to wipe the thoughts out of my memory. To tell myself if I carried on I would burn in hell.

Burn in hell because this was a sin, even though my love for him was pure and genuine I would still burn in hell.

I am at a point in my life where my family are now arranging a marriage for me and I have agreed to go ahead with this. I will be hurting the one I love, I will be hiding a part of me which is me, I will be trying to become someone else because I have so much to lose for this love. My family, my community, my religion, I would lose everything because no one would accept my love.

I feel trapped and the pain I am going through is unexplainable. Sometime I wish for death as I don’t see any other way out of this. I am going ahead with a marriage I know is just a farce, a joke, a lie.

I love my family and I love my religion even more. My God asks us to preach love, to live a life filled with love, to love and be loved, yet the love I have for him is said to be a sin.

On one hand I have the love for my God, which is the basis on which a Muslim lives his life, and on the other hand my heart has been overtaken by his love. A person who has been created and moulded by my God, his smile, his warmth, his kindness, his gentleness, his deep love, all given to him by my God. Loving him, I feel even more close to God. Yet I am told this is wrong.

I will be getting married as my parents wish. I am frightened, frightened to live a life which is not mine, which is alien to me, frightened of ruining the life of an innocent person who has no idea about me.

I see no other way out. I know one thing, I will never stop loving him, no one can take his place in my heart. I may not be with him but I have given him my heart and soul.

I have only an empty body which shall conform to the cultural and religious rituals required of me.

Hassan Shezad
London

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Sexuality is an area which is hugely affecting communities, especially the South Asian Communities. Individuals who are facing coming to terms with their sexuality and also fighting the battle against religion and culture is leading to suicides, self harm and mental health issues.

It is important as a community that appropriate support measures are in place for people to talk through their feelings and seek the help they need to lead healthy lives. The following are excellent support services for anyone wanting to talk to someone in confidence:

The BHA Sexual Health Services
Democracy House
609 Stretford Road
Manchester
Tel: 01618742185
Email: prevention@thebha.org.uk

LGF
The Lesbian & Gay Foundation,
Number 5,
Richmond Street,
Manchester M1 3HF
Tel:0845 3 30 30 30
Email: info@lgf.org.uk

Naz Project London
30 Blacks Road
Hammersmith
London
W6 9DT

Tel: 020 8741 1879
Email: npl@naz.org.uk

The SAFRA Project
Email: info@safraproject.org

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This true story has been shared with permission of Jawad Ahmed, a young psychotherapist living in the UK who operates a page for mental health on Facebook, Mental Health- Speak UP Speak OUT, where this story of heartbreak was first shared. You may find and comment on this story and others directly by going to: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Mental-health-Speak-UP-Speak-OUT/233144326764233

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