What was it?

I was never the relationship kind of a girl. I was always the smart-ass sarcastic kind. I loved challenging people and debates were totally my thing. I could never sit around gossiping or trying to use make up. I was the girl who would turn up for class in pajamas and would not shy out from walking barefoot if my footwear was too uncomfortable. Basically, I was the kind who could not manage to be cute even if my life depended on it and the truth was I did not care.

(For the sake of not having to think and give up his identity, I am going to call the ‘him’ him.)
He was the popular kind, smart, flirt, showed total disrespect for ones private space and as an added bonus was out of a long relationship plus had awesome hair.
Like the pathetic cliché, we were friends. When we met, it was neither instant hatred nor infatuation. We were just friends. An unusual pair, but still friends.
We ate together, he walked me to the library, diligently wished me well before every exam, hated all my friends, shamelessly read my messages and yes completely ignored my smart arsism. There were times I could not stand him and vice versa, but we were still friends, the kind that had to meet at least once a day. During my second semester he left for a good solid 6 months. Like routine, we talked less frequently and drifted apart.

During those 6 months, I had a tragic transformation. I became the everyday girl. Unsuccessfully dated, partied like a rebel and boozed like an ex AA member. What I am saying is, I was a mess. My newly discovered freedom was a devil with a capital D.

By the time he was back from his internship I was slowly reverting to my old self but some changes were permanent, like scars from a particularly gruesome injury. The first night he was back he made me wait out in the cold for 20 mins in the dead of the night before turning up and effortlessly hugging me like the last 6 months did not exit (I would have never waited but the git was leaving the country for a month and blackmailed me into meeting him.) Next night we went out for dinner. It was awkward initially and the fact that he was immaculately dressed while I had turned up in my trademark typical clothes did not go unnoticed by the new me and it did not help my case at all. However, he was still the same and he did not care. This put me at ease eventually. Our titter tatter began with him complaining about how everyone had changed and me disagreeing out of basic nature. That night I told him about my boyfriend. The entire topic got to me and by the end of the evening we were yelling at each other like deranged teenagers, we fought like we had never fought before, it was different. The truth was he had changed and so had I but both of us longed to find our old selves.

Next morning he left. But we were still friends. That was the first night I wondered whether I liked him more than a friend. The thought was too disturbing and I flushed it off immediately. After his extended vacation, he was back in school. First day he was back, I found him waiting outside my class to meet me with that stupid smile and his typical disrespect for my personal space. I will confess it was then I realized how much I had missed his stupid warm hugs. He was back and so was our routine. We were a bit closer now. Sharing our thoughts and spending more time together. Our comfort zone had matured but the basics still remained the same. he would shamelessly hug me, read my messages, made sure I ate, walk me home, spark rumors about us and when he was upset come to me with his puppy dog face, physically force me to drop off my work and listen to him… we were back!

During Christmas I disappeared for a month. My home trip was long due. He was there to drop me off at the airport and went on a sulk marathon when I did not give him my return flight details. But the night I landed he was there with his warm hug and infectious smile walking me home. Something was different; he had found another partner to sit with in the library. She was pretty and took the same classes as him. They were good friends. When term began, I found my other friends too and we started drifting apart again. Until one night he randomly messaged me telling me he was a mess and bam like the old days we were talking again. Two nights later, I was not suprized to see him outside my work place at 3 am in sub zero temperatures. We were back as friends, but I still sat with my friends and he, with his.

Now we are done with school. He has a job on the west coast and I have my set of commitments on the east coast. Tomorrow he leaves for the west coast. Our paths will never randomly cross again. I have two dozen messages from him begging me to go with him and another three dozen messages telling me he will miss me. What he has in return is a wide array of my smart ass replies ranging from ‘go get a life’ to a slightly mellow ‘you will be okay on your own.’

Last few weeks have made me wonder whether we were friends or something more. What is the defining line between the two relationships…? Did I just break my best friends heart...did I break my heart… Can I ever justify that void empty feeling hugging my heart...or was it just peer pressure…..hormones… did he ever like me… did I just miss my share of fairy tale?