Hurt

Hurt(Robert Fluck) Hurt

Life throws you curve balls quite often, but I believe the most painful of them all is a lie from the person you love. Lies seem like something so simple, a “fib” in order to make a person look better, or to make another person look bad. I am certain we can all think back to a time that we have told a lie, when your mother asked, “Is your room cleaned?” and you say “Yes,” even though you knew it was not...that was a “fib” to make you look better, a white lie so to speak. The lies I am talking about though are the degrading ones, the destructive ones, the hurt filled ones...the pathological ones. I have been in a committed relationship for 4 years now, and I have always looked at my fiancee as a trustworthy being, I have always taken every word that she has said as “fact”. In a relationship, trust is by far the most important basic foundation you can ever imagine, if you have no trust to build on; you have no relationship at all!

Every human being questions a persons credibility from time to time, it is our nature to be intuitive, and question our surroundings. But if there is trust, we forget all of the doubts that we had about that persons credibility...if that trust is broken by one little lie though; then you lose more trust than you had to begin with. This chain reaction of hurt started 3 months ago, the very person that I have spent 4 years of my life with, trusted, started a family with, intent on marrying; lied to me! We had a very large argument, and I was hot headed and said “Just leave, and don’t come back!” She left and I did not see the car turn around, she was gone. So the next day she was going to meet me at our house to pick our son up, and I was ready to win her back, I was ready to apologize, I was ready to continue loving her. She came at 4 o’clock that afternoon and agreed she would like to fix things, so I asked her to stay and the answer I got was “I want to stay at my parents one more night, I will come back tomorrow!” I let it go even though I felt it was a little odd that she would feel that way, but little did I know at the time, that this was the very beginning of two months worth of a string of lies that may have very well changed who I am as a person.

The truth was that she wanted to go to the bar with another man (my cousin, whom she said some pretty racy things to!), and his girlfriend (her cousin, which had convinced her to leave me). She told me on Saturday when she came home that she would be home for good at 11 AM on Sunday morning. I was beyond excited...but 11 AM came and she never showed up. I was hurt and felt that I had been played and lied to, that I was lifted up, only to be thrown back down. Noon came and still no sign of the woman I love, so I called and the answer I was given is “I didn’t feel well, so I went to sleep, I will leave right now!” I hadn’t realized it was due to a hangover. I feel I should also mention that I scrubbed the house from top to bottom, did laundry, dishes, made dinner...everything so that when she came home she had a beautiful home again. It was after 1:30 in the afternoon that she finally walked in the door, I knew then that something was wrong...something was very wrong.

I asked her what was wrong, and all she would say is “don’t rush me, I need space...I just want to be me!” so I obliged, and gave her the space that she needed. About two days later I noticed her phone was in front of her face NON STOP, literally she never put it down (mind you I purchased this phone for her not even 2 months prior to this, because she “loved” it). I wanted to know what she was saying, and why I felt like I was on the back burner for no apparent reason; but she also put a screen lock on so I could not see (RED FLAG). So then about 4 days later, she still wouldn’t talk, and she still treated me like dirt with her phone up to her nose the whole time; she walked outside and I grazed past and saw a text that stated “I have a hot sausage for you ;)”. If you want to talk about the worst feeling you could ever have, feel the realization that everything you thought was happening WAS happening!.

The following night, I still had not said anything because I did/do love her and was willing to forgive (as mental as that sounds), I felt that it was my fault that she strayed (if you EVER believe that relationships and cheating are one sided than you need to look again, there is always a reason somebody cheats!). We went to bed together and she fell asleep with her phone tucked in close beside her, at least now I knew why! 1:30 AM rolls around and a text comes through her phone, waking me up so I asked “who is texting you at 1:30 in the morning?” her response “No one, don’t worry about it!”, so I asked again and she said “It is my sister Megan, now go to sleep!”. I went to sleep, but the next day I made it a point to find out what her screen lock code was so I watched as she would swipe her fingers on the screen until I narrowed it down to one or 2 codes. That night I did not say a thing, I left her go until we went to sleep but after she fell asleep I grabbed her phone and went through it...I was blown away at the hurtful and degrading lies that she was telling people about me...and the 1:30 text was not from Megan!

In my rage, I went back to our bedroom and woke her up holding her phone in front of her and her only words were “Whoa, why do you have my phone, why do you think you can go through it like that, I deserve privacy!”. Here is the deal, and I hope that everybody can mark my words on this...when you are in a committed relationship, there will never be “privacy”, you need to be an open book, nothing to hide, all passwords given to each other and freely allow the other person to view what you have done, and who you have talked to! I truly believe this, social media websites, and smartphones provide an easy path to being as idiot. IF you love the person you are with then you will be open about all of what you do; and honest to your relationship. And now back to the rest of this discussion, I looked at her and it was all I could do not to beat this woman...the woman I had given 4 years of my life for, we have a child, I worked non stop so she could remain in school, and we could have a house. I am sick and she even ridiculed me about that to this other man. I was devastated, I was destroyed...I lost the woman of my dreams and still did not know/understand what happened and why?!?.

So I made the comment to her “if you have any hope of this working out, and if you want to be here then YOU need to cut off all ties with this man!”. She looked at me and said “I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to work it out!”, so I asked “Did anything else happen between you guys?” she said “No it was only texting and we talked a couple times!”. She agreed to stay until the end of the weekend so our children would not have to witness her leaving (as bad as this sounds, I was just happy she was staying till then, because in my eyes, she hadn’t left yet!). Through all of this I was madly in love with her still, she was the woman of my dreams, the only girl that I could ever imagine being in my heart...the love of my life and I wanted it to work so bad!. Monday came and she never left, she still told me she did not love me, she didn’t want it to work out, she was annoyed with me, she wanted to be “her”, and she wanted “space”. And so again I obliged her with space, and did not say anything when she would walk away for a few hours...then I wanted to know the truth!. So I started asking her so many questions until finally she admitted “He kissed me 2 times at the mailboxes by our house”, “I invited him to our house!”, “I walked with him”...I felt replaced.

In a weird way all of a sudden she started to care more, she told me she loved me and she wanted to fix things, she told me she was sorry. So I believed her, and continued busting my butt to keep her happy. Here is the part where I admit 1 wrong that I did, about 1 1/2 years ago I told another girl “I love you!” because her parents were offering me a house, essentially for free (My family and I were not on speaking terms at the time!), but she was planning on leaving me so I needed a place to live and did not want to be homeless...this girl took it the wrong way and kissed me but it wasn’t a kiss so to speak...I was not paying attention and she caught my lip with hers and I backed away. I told her I did not want that to happen ever again and how wrong it was, she admitted too that she was wrong, but the damage was done. My fiancee questioned me about it and I was honest...but she would never let me tell her what actually happened, she would just walk away and never let me finish!

Back to what happened with my fiancee and I, so I assumed that I knew everything and I stuck around, things started to improve between us I was moving forward and so was she. Then she would tell me more that happened (keep in mind I was led to believe that nothing else happened), and it would break my trust in her again, and again, and again...this went on for weeks!. Well I finally got tired of things not adding up and decided “Rob, you need to just talk to this guy about what happened”, I knew it was either more or less than what she had been telling me. I had an inkling of how my suspicions would be proven, so I asked him “What makes you think you can kiss my fiancee?”, and his face went blank, he responded with, “What the f**k are you talking about???”, so I asked again “What makes you think you have the right to kiss my fiancee?”, he responded (completely flabbergasted by the way) “Rob, I do not know what she told you, but let me clarify, I never kissed her, we haven’t talked in a long time...I said one thing to her about sausage and felt horrible, nothing ever happened!”. I was pretty mad at this point and I waited till she got home, all I could say is “Bedroom, NOW!”

She put me through hell making me believe all of this stuff, that may not have been true, so I asked “Tell me the truth, I have reason to believe that no kisses ever happened?”...she was silent. Then her mouth opened and she said “I lied to you, nothing ever happened, I just wanted you to feel how I felt when I found out that you kissed another girl!”. I explained “You never let me tell you the whole story, I never kissed her, she kissed me, I did not want it and I pushed her away...the only thing I am guilty of is saying the 3 words, I love you, to her”. She said “that was it?”, and I said “Yes, I have always loved you and I have never been with anybody else, you are my world!”. I realized at that moment, like getting railed in the head with a nail, I am engaged to a liar... everything over the past 6 weeks has been lies, I lost all trust. So I think to myself, “How do I learn to trust again?, How do I move forward??”

HERE IS THE ANSWER!

Four years ago I lost my uncle Mike Fluck, due to a mix of stupidity and Heavenly Father taking him before more destruction could be caused. But as I was in Salt Lake City, Utah, for his funeral I had the opportunity to speak with many people of faith...it was life changing. You see I have always had a major problem with self destruction and lies, I did not want to seem like I was a bad person/drug addict so I would lie to make myself look better (turns out I already knew what it was like to get caught up in lies that you cannot stop!). Nonetheless back to the life changing events, we were at his funeral and the Bishop of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints started speaking to me about how having the Heavenly Father in your life, and understanding death, may help ease the pain of death. I did not see it at that point, but I knew it hit me in many ways because as I went back to the hotel room that night I saw a Book of Mormon sitting on the night table next to me and I picked it up. I read a short part of it and noticed instantly...the angel Moroni used “And it came to pass” numerous times (at that point I had not realized who the angel Moroni was and his significance in the Latter-Day Saints Church!


I kept thinking that throughout all of these trials that I was having “If there was a God why would he do this to one of his children?”, “If he was such a loving man, why would he sit there and watch this happen?”. See I resented the Lord because I felt that he allowed me to go downhill, and did not try to help me back over the hump when I wanted to, in my own time. Then this realization came to me, yes he did allow me to go downhill because I was born with free will, and the knowledge to determine right from wrong. He did not allow me to go downhill to please himself, he allowed me to do this in order for me to learn, because when you finally hit rock bottom and nobody wants to listen to you anymore; you find yourself talking to yourself a lot, when in all reality you are talking to Heavenly Father. In July of 2009 I made the choice to speak with missionaries of the church, I had always had the aching for Christ, I just chose to ignore it...but as I said I was talking to him quite a bit during this transition. I realized that I need not fear Heavenly Father, if I do as I am taught then he will be pleased...what I needed to fear was myself, Heavenly Father was always there to love me and teach, but I was the one destructing every part of the being that our father made.

To live in fear of yourself can in all reality prove to be a very beneficial thing (now I am not saying you need to worry about yourself beating yourself up physically.), when you come to terms with the fact that Heavenly Father is not damaging you, and you are damaging yourself...then you come to realize that it is not God that needs to make the change, YOU need to make the change. It reminds me of the Michael Jackson song “Man in the Mirror”- “I need to make a change, for once in my life, it’s gonna feel real good, gonna make a difference, make things right...I’m starting with the man in the mirror!”. I in fact was the man in the mirror, and the change I needed to make was to allow Heavenly Father into my heart and not demand he help but ask for him to teach me how to do this. I needed to repent, and acknowledge the sacrifice that Jesus Christ made for all of mankind on the cross. I needed to hand my troubles over to Heavenly Father and allow him to guide my life in the direction he feels suitable for me. Heavenly Father has shown me over the past few years, how much I do not need drugs to feel high, I do not need alcohol to feel dizzy, I do not need cigarettes to get my fix...I need prayer, and his love to make me feel these things. Funny thing is that all things lead to death when you think about it, but only ONE can promise an eternal life of happiness!

So I started attending church regularly, and continued to learn about the Restoration of the Gospel, and the Atonement of Christ, and how without these things I cannot have an eternity of happiness, I cannot have my family forever, I cannot have a wonderful mortal life to prepare for my eternal life in Heaven. I have to say all of the problems I had experienced “Came to pass!” after I allowed Heavenly Father to guide me in the proper direction. Now you are probably wondering how this deals with “Hurt” and what has happened over the past 2 months in my relationship, but it has EVERYTHING to do with both. I was terribly hurt by the actions that were cast against me, I was in denial that the girl I love could ever do that to me!. But I have been asked MANY times “Why did you stick around and continue getting lied to, why didn’t you just leave?”. The only answer I could give is the first thing was prayer, the second thing was stupidity, the third thing is faith, the fourth thing is the knowledge that she was not always this way...the fifth and BIGGEST of them all!

IF HEAVENLY FATHER CAN FORGIVE ME FOR ALL OF THE SINS I HAVE DONE, THEN I NEED TO FORGIVE AS WELL, AND ALLOW HIM TO GUIDE MY RELATIONSHIP!

When I pray at night, I encourage my fiancee to pray with me, along with my children, to repent for their sins...and learn from their mistakes. Until you allow Christ to guide your relationship and be the center of your family, YOU cannot survive. People wonder why divorce rates are so high nowadays, it has nothing to do with people changing...it has to do with people not allowing Christ into their lives to MAKE them uphold the vows that they agreed and committed to in front of our Lord. People wonder why our country has such horrible problems right now “In God We Trust”, we as a country have not been ALLOWED to trust God and ALLOW him to guide our country in the direction it needs to be in. If we could go back and live up to the standards that our forefathers set up for us by trusting in God, our country would prosper again. You always hear “the constitution is outdated”, but in all reality, maybe we are trying to prove to ourselves that it cannot work, even though it has been the proven victor over so many years. One thing that you cannot say is that God is outdated, it simply would make no sense at all, see without him we would not have the right to say such things to begin with.

I end this with one last statement, I have quit using drugs, I have quit smoking, I have quit drinking, I have learned from my mistakes, I am working on my relationship and succeeding, I prosper even though I am sick, I praise God because without him NONE of this could have been possible!. I am going to Heaven because out loving Heavenly Father is planning my stay, has seen the changes, has taught me, has loved me...and all I needed to so was love him too!