WHEN I WAS IN THE DARK

WHEN I WAS IN THE DARK(L DOUGLAS ST OURS) WHEN I WAS IN THE DARK

When I was ten and eleven
one of my closest friends
was a rough tough tomboy.
Once we watched a movie
in the dark theater
and she made me
sit in the front row.
I was a nervous nellie
while she couldn't wait
for the coffin to creak open
prompting me to cover my eyes
but I couldn't close my ears.
"What are you doing?
You're missing the juiciest part!"
Where she was brave
I was a chicken liver
and she was a year younger than me!
Many times we goofed around
in her bedroom overlooking the tree fort
but sexual intimacy never crossed my mind
and even if it did I wouldn't have recognized it.

My family moved away right after I turned twelve.

Many years later I learned
that she became the easiest lay in her high school
then spent some time as a Vegas show girl
and after that a mistress to an Arab sheik
though I didn't know any of this for sure.

In the mean time I grew physically powerful
swinging a hammer
throwing a pick
pitching cement
pushing block
toting the load
scaling the heights
surviving the taunts of thugs
withstanding the pounding of bullies
with whom I hated to fight
preferring to back off from challenges and threats
as I profusely apologized for the concocted offense
and often that was enough to defuse an attack
but if it was not and the assault began
I'd turn tail and cower like a baby
inciting the prick to punch even harder
cracking knuckles against my arms shielding my head
and through the blows I could see
that prick buying into his superiority,
lowering his guard, exposing his weakness,
shoving me into a briar hedge,
his haymaker rocking him off balance
as I coiled like a snake, my swelling anger feeding my strength
and suddenly I struck to kill and the bastard dropped
and I pummeled him limp till this girl pleaded "STOP!"
And I let up and saw a beautiful peasant goddess,
a miraculous vision, a tiny star, a dream come true.

But like Evan and Mason I only played the field
besides I was too young to get hitched
Though when I Was In The Dark with her
I wanted very much to shack up.

Yet when I arrived like a haggard bum
unexpected to her west coast door
her family would not let me sleep under the same roof
and so without thought I fell into a marriage...a big mistake
within a year I morphed into a lecherous wanderer
a seeker of pussy
a f**ked up brawler
a nowhere man
the fool on the hill
a shameless Beatles fan
who after losing a year
running for and from his life
returned to protect and nurture his wife
I got back into school at my own expense
taking night courses
no more cutting class
no more flunking grades
no more dropping out
and making decent dough again
in the mean and dirty jobs
with the rugged f**ked up men
whom I just got tired of fighting
and fearing a paralysis accident
crushed by a collapsing wall
or buried by a trench cave-in
or falling off a wall plate
or tripping on a roof beam
or found cut up and gang raped
in an unfinished cellar.

Pissed off and weary of that dying on the job shit
I invested in a white shirt and a red tie
and took a desk job at half the pay
because it was out of the weather
and it was safe with polite mannered people
unlike me, a take no prisoners kind of guy
hard charging in and out of tunnels
where I learned slowly
that in the dark
I didn't need a god
to make me good.

by L DOUGLAS ST OURS
August 2010