If Only(MatthewB) It was hopeless. No, it was beyond hopeless. I stared at the notepad in my hand. On it were written over several hundred addresses and names of packages I was to deliver. I looked to my right, to the window. My large white truck was waiting, now being loaded with the many packages. I sighed and then grabbed the pencil laying on the counter in front of me. I marked my name and the date. My leg twitched and I hit it. Carl looked up from behind the counter. “I hope that leg doesn't bother you too much. Good luck with today. Try to make it all on time, or else!”

“Or else what,” I retorted.

“Oh, who knows? Maybe I'll finally fire you.” He then chuckled to himself. Carl was my best friend, and boss. He would never fire me, even if I didn't show up to work. I was his right hand man in the delivery business and his only truck driver. The two other men, Tomas and Stan, were the only other employees and they mostly helped with office work and loading my truck each morning.

Each morning. The same thing, day after day. Month after month. For seven straight years. The town of Tish was nice, just uneventful. Only around a thousand people lived here, with an additional hundred during the summer. Every day I got up at five in the morning, readied myself, and was at work by six. From seven to six in the afternoon I drove and wandered around town delivering packages and bulky mail. I knew all the people. I knew who was having a fantastic time. Mr. and Mrs. Lankly were currently fighting about whether to adopt a new son or daughter. The Yungs, an old couple, were having their first grandchildren visit. And Rita was getting married next week to a business man from out of town. I knew the sad as well. I knew Mrs. Jyn, my old teacher who lost her husband in the Middle East. The Coulets, after only three years of marriage, were giving up and getting divorced. Zela was about to break her boyfriend's heart. I knew everyone.

Tish, a small town nestled along the coast of New England, was a town like every other. It had its good and bad. There was a single sheriff and his deputy. Being a local, he and the deputy shared a car to conserve money. There was no need of a jail in town, though one was located forty miles away. The mayor of our town lived in a simple home. It was well-kept and pretty, but not over the top. Our mayor was a respectable fellow with a love for coffee from our local bakery. Along the beachfront were several of the rented houses, along with a variety of shops. On a hot summer day, one could always go to the long beach to relax or, if they wanted to escape into nature, go deep into the forest that totally surrounded our town.

As these thoughts crossed my mind I had been mindlessly helping the stacking of various packages and now found myself seated in the truck. I shook myself awake. I obviously did not have enough coffee this morning. I pushed the gas and started my day. I looked once again at the list. My first stop was at the mayor's hall. I crossed into the next lane. Less than a mile away was the mayoral “mansion.” I drove up its long driveway and got out. I went to the back and opened the back of the truck. I reached in and looked around for the package. It took me a few minutes to locate and wrestle it out of its nook, but I eventually did. I carried it up the stone steps and rang the doorbell. I got out my notepad as I waited. Mrs. Hurt answered the door.

“Hey there! What do you have for me today?”

“Not sure,” I replied, “but it looks like something quite long! And it has this fancy symbol on the back here.”

Mrs. Hurt exclaimed, “Oh! It's my husband's golf clubs! He got some new ones and has been talking nonstop about them all week. He's going to next week's tournament. Are you?”

“I can't; I need to work.”

“Of course. Well thank you! Have a great day!”

I smiled back, “Thanks, you too!” I walked back down the driveway and climbed into my truck. I looked at the next client. There was an address, but no name. Must be a newcomer to the neighborhood. I pulled out of the driveway and once again hit the road. There was surprisingly very little traffic today. It was a cool morning, the sun was still bright gold and it cast its hue down on the earth. The majority of my town's population was most likely taking it easy today. My town wasn't lazy, not in the least bit. When work needed to be done, they did it. But they were an easy going lot. They saw life as it was and didn't rush through it. Very few had jobs outside the town which demanded them to wake early. A good amount of the town relied on the fishing and logging industries as the primary source of work. The rest was distributed in grocery stores, coffee shops, a couple restaurants, movie theater and library, and several random other places of work. My job was one such example. Started by Carl ten years ago, the private delivery business only provided several jobs. The pay was small and minimal, but the job was worth it. You got to see the world around you in action. You got to chat with random people and make hundreds of friends. Our delivery service probably knew everyone in the town, locals and vacationers.

Vacationers. They were amusing. They would come from cities like New York, Portland, Boston, or DC and just lay about all day in the sun. The parents were always so dignified and careful with their children. They had everything from sunscreen to multiple snacks. Their kids would run around in the park and explore the forest as if they had never seen a tree before in their life. The city boys would walk around shirtless and confident, trying to act tough in front of the locals. We were not fooled. Our own young men needed only to amble randomly and they gained the respect they deserved for working in the woods and sea. City girls though, they were the most amusing. They would go into shops and stare at the trinkets and boys. They were always laughing amongst themselves. We did too; I guess they didn't realize how silly they looked in pink skirts and always holding those smart phones in their hand. Did they even talk to each other, or did their phones do the talking? And the way they looked at the boys. It was if they had nothing better to do and didn't have real boys back home. They were delicate things, the tiniest of problems and they would start crying more tears than the storm of '96.

I arrived to the next house and climbed out. I grabbed the package and walked towards the house. I stopped dead. The house was old, very old. The gray paintjob was nearly gone. The white border was all but gone. The fence was broken in most places. Weeds were growing from the garden that hadn't been tended in years. I spotted an empty swing in the backyard. As I opened the gate, the “Beckler” sign swung and then dropped to the ground. I picked it up and placed it back on the gate. So many memories.

I knocked the traditional seven knocks on the door. Metal on wood sounded throughout the quiet neighborhood. No one else was around. My free hand went to my pocket where I always kept a knife. I heard footsteps from inside. The floor creaked and the door flew open. I stared into her deep blue eyes, searching. No response. I gave her the package.

“Ma'am, your package.”

“Thank you very much,” she replied in a terse tone. I noticed the gold ring dangling from around her neck, tangling with her blond hair. I tipped my hat and turned to leave.

“Wait!” she exclaimed. She looked me over as I slowly turned around. “Never mind. Sorry.”

“No problem Miss. Have a good day,” I replied. I continued down the walk and sat down in my truck once more. It was only 7:45 in the morning. The rest of the day was meaningless and flew by as if I were in a trance. To be honest, I was utterly confused.

Why? What was she doing back here? She was supposed to be in Boston with Ron. That was why her grades were always so good. She wanted to escape this “old and boring town” and make it to college. She wanted the excitement of a city. She wanted to escape, and escape she did. It was only two years after graduation that she left with Ron. It was the scandal of the town. Top notch student leaves with a strange boy and gives up dreams of college. The newspapers were reporting on it 24/7 and her parents were forced to leave in disgrace. It had been messy but was now forgotten and never to be dug up. Until now.

I blinked my eyes and tried to focus on the paper. In doing so I spilled my coffee. I silently hit myself. There goes an entire $2. I always bought my coffee before going home. Laurie always made the best coffee. Besides, I enjoyed teasing her daughter about her boyfriend. I grabbed a towel and wiped up the mess on the floor. I got up and put it into the sink. The house was messy. The dishes were unwashed and the laundry was still strewn about. The light in the hall wouldn't stop flickering. I would fix it tomorrow. Maybe I'd be less busy then. For now, I needed to go to bed and get some rest for the morning.

Had her parents given the home to her? Was she secretly living there, hiding maybe from Ron? No good would have ever come from her and him, it was a relation born in darkness and wrongdoing. If she was secretly living at her old address she probably was only using it as a rest. She would have to leave soon or she would be seen and probably arrested by sheriff Green.

Great, this has officially been a bad night. First I spill my coffee, now I stub my toe against the bathroom door. I look at it closely and squeeze my eyes. Nope, definitely broken. I'll have to go the hospital. Actually, I can't do that. I need to work tomorrow and I can't afford skipping a day. The mortgage payment is due next week and I only have about half of it. Maybe I'll get another job. That would definitely help with my flow of income. I crawl into bed and turn on my side. As my eyes close to sleep I notice a Carl's DVD on my shelf. Right, gotta watch that tomorrow. If I'm not too busy....

“Hey, are you free this afternoon?”

I started and turned from the computer. It was Carl. I closed off of the browser and answered, “Sure, I guess. I have nothing planned. Never really do.” I gave a small, insincere laugh. “What do you have planned?”

“Well me and Lily are off to the movies to see that new movie. You know, that spy movie. I forgot the name.”

“Oh yeah, I know what you're talking about. But I don't remember either.” This time we both laughed. “Yeah, I'm in! That will be fun! Who else is coming?”

Carl shrugged. “No clue, man. Probably some of Lily's friends will come along with us. I'm driving everyone there after school. You better be there! I don't wanna be stuck with a bunch of girls!”

“Hey, that doesn't sound too bad.” I winked at him and he hit my on the back. We broke into laughter once again.

“Okay, well I gotta go now. I got AP Biology in just a few minutes. See ya then, man!”

I smiled back at him and returned to the computer. That was nice. I normally didn't get invited to places. I had been in Tish most of my life but had a hard time connecting to people. I was a senior now and still only had one or two people I could call my best friends. But I knew most of the students. I loved showing off in front of the underclassmen, especially the freshmen. They were always in awe of upperclassmen like me and Carl. I would occasionally pull hilarious pranks and interrupt their classes. The teachers loved me; I was a good student. I never got in trouble and brought light to the dark school world. Carl helped me most of the time, and Lily too.

Lily was a great girl. I had only really gotten to know her when Carl introduced me. She was smart and funny. She had dark red hair, so I loved teasing her on November 20th. Lily and Carl went well together. They had the relationship every other student wanted. They genuinely loved each other and you could see it in their eyes. They were also the cutest couple in the entire school. They won that very place in the yearbook for the past three years.

The bell rang, interrupting my study hall. Darn, now it was time for Advanced Economics. I hated that class so much. I grabbed my backpack and walked down the hall. I grabbed the kid in front of me by the shoulders. “Hey Harry, here's the CD I promised you.”

Harry turned around with a wide smile on his face. “Gee, thanks! It's genuine Beatles?”

“Indeed it is! I really hope you enjoy it! I finally found it last night while searching in the attic.”

“Well thanks, you have no idea how much this means to me. I've always wanted this.”

I laughed. I knew. “Sure, anytime Harry!”

I left Harry and ran into class. Gosh I hated this class. Normally I just zoned out and got caught up later in my book at night. Mrs. Smith was so boring. She just sat in her desk and droned on and on about local, national, and global economics. Most of the time she repeated what she said. She was extremely forgetful. Mrs. Smith was almost a billion years old and still breathing. I don't know why the school kept her. Probably because we were too poor to search and hire more modern teachers. We had been trying to build an actual music department for the past few years and had yet to reach our goal. Despite numerous attempts at fundraising, the town's population just wasn't large enough to donate enough for our wing.

The bell rang. Well, that was a short class. Or maybe it was just because I zoned out and Mrs. Smith didn't notice. She never does. I grabbed my book and shoved it into the backpack. I stood up and found myself wobbling. Oh, my leg. Lately it had been troubling me and falling asleep without much encouragement. I walked carefully to the door and walked across to my locker. Right, gotta pack up quickly! Movies in just a few minutes with Carl and Lily. I hauled my math and science binders out of their crevice and violently shoved them in my pack. I grabbed my phone as well. I rarely used it, but it was better to have it than not. I walked down the stairs and out the main entrance. There, on the far side of the lot, I spotted Carl, Lily, and several other figures.

I was pretty excited, but I didn't run. That would look absolutely silly. But really, I was thrilled. No, I was hyped. It was as if I had been injected with several cups of coffee! I normally never went to the movies, too poor to afford it. Besides, I had no one to go with and Carl was normally busy with Lily. This afternoon would be amazing and maybe I'd make another friend.

As I neared the group, I slowed down considerably. I counted five figures: Carl, Lily, Rita, Anne, and Marie. I walked up.

“Hey man! You're here, great! Let's get the party going, shall we!” The group heartily agreed and we started walking towards Carl's large truck. It was a Ford, something I heartily disagreed with. Ford stood for Found On Road Dead but Carl didn't listen. That darn kid.

“Hello Marie.” I nodded at her. She greeted me and nodded back. We all climbed in the truck and I sat up front with Carl. Lily and the girls sat in the back. We pulled out of the school lot. We honked some freshmen out of our way.

Marie. I cannot accurately describe her. She was my girlfriend for the past year and we were somewhat serious about our future. She was quite an amazing girl. She was very smart and witty; she could make an instant comeback. She used to help me with my science and I helped her with her literature. We weren't half as cute as Carl and Lily, and we fought much more. I guess one of those fights finished it all. Just a few months ago, at the very beginning of the school year, we broke up. I remember afterwards being totally lost and unsure of what to do. She had been a huge part of my life and I had devoted so much time to her. It seemed so unreal that she was no longer there to talk to and laugh with. We rarely talked now and normally argued when we did.

We arrived at the theater, which was really just down the street from the school. It was always packed on a Friday evening, which was why any other day of the week was perfect for watching a movie. We went on in and purchased our tickets. We followed Rita who knew the theater like the back of her hand. Rita was pretty nerdy when it came to movies and science. I have no idea how that combination came about. Actually, Rita was pretty spectacular when it came to being random.

Me and Carl walked into the room and sat down first, giving the girls their choice as to sitting next to whoever. Even though there were plenty of other seats, Marie sat next to me. I was shocked. Why did she want to sit next to me? She probably just wanted to start an argument during the movie about how “terrible” I treated her and what a “wonderful girl” she was to me. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. I felt rather nervous, shy, and definitely confused.

The movie started and the screen expanded. We lost ourselves in the film. Planes flew, men fought and died with courage, betrayal within the ranks, and the secret love. Explosions filled the screen. A flicker to my left caught my eye. It wasn't an explosion. It was a hand. It was Marie's hand. Above mine which rested on the armrest. It dangled there, in midair. Her fingers came a hair's length to my own. I shifted in my seat and saw her retreat. I waited and rested my arm once again. She came out once more and seemed to invisibly hold my hand. A sudden flood of emotions clouded me. Why? Did she want me back? Did she forgive what our relationship had been and wanted to start again? Did she still have feelings for me? She didn't know I had seen her. I could, with a simple move, clasp her hand in mine once again. Like it had been so long ago. To feel the love and warmth go through me. Yes, I wanted that. But no, I could not do that. We would never truly be together, it was impossible after what we had been through. I waited. I waited more. Only by the end of the film did her hand retreat once more to herself.

The movie had ended and we went outside. We purchased some popcorn and laughed about various parts of the movie. The rain was biting hard outside and Carl offered to go get his truck and bring it around for us all. We all happily obliged him. I kept glancing at Marie. There she was, laughing with Lily. No, she did not know that I had seen her. Carl pulled up and we climbed into his truck. I sat up front again. The rest of the night flew by in laughs and in tired silence. We crossed into the suburbs. Each house was nearly identical and yet it made a pretty scene. Fathers coming home late, the yellow lights shining on the paved driveways. We stopped at Marie's house and let her off. I smiled at her and she smiled back at me. She closed the gate behind her and ran inside the gray house. The “Beckler” sign swung wildly, much like the childhood swing in her backyard.

I awoke with a sudden start. I limped my way to the bathroom door. It was another day. But what if I had taken her hand?

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