THE ART OF SAYING YES(Charles E.J. Moulton) THE ART OF SAYING YES

By Charles E.J. Moulton


Standing at pedestrian crossings or walking in shopping malls, a child sees a toy it wants, is forbidden to have it and throws a temper tantrum. This classic situation often result in a family crisis. How does the parent react? More often than not, the child is pulled away from the scene. The parent rolls his or her eyes, responding with screams and shouts.
“No, I told you never to do that,” is often the reply.
But does a “No!” really help or does it only stand in the way?
The shouts of the child in 6 out 10 cases come from being denied something. It can’t let go of the toy it saw, it demands the ice-cream, it wants to stay a while longer. The aggressive reply of the parent will sometimes only increase the anger. It will soothe it eventually, but it might be suitable alternative to try another word.
It could be replaced with a “Yes!”
Now, saying “Yes!” does not mean actually allowing everything, giving the child all the candy and action-figures it wants. That would be wrong, too. No, it just means redirecting the compass. If a parent is just a policeman, then a child will inevitably be led to the thing that he is compelled to avoid. He is not supposed to eat candy. Well, he has to know what candy looks like or tastes like if he has to avoid it. So, he thinks about it. Eating it is just a step away.
Redirect the compass.
“No!” doesn’t always work.
Provide an alternative. Tell him what works, not just what doesn’t.
“Don’t use foul language!” becomes “Use foul language!” just as easily as “Don’t waste time!” becomes “Waste time!” So, selling the benefits of a good life as a key to success is a also a ticket to success. The trick is to direct the child’s mind toward the positive solution.
“Okay, Dad,” the child might answer. “So, you tell me not to use foul language. Tell me some words I can use. Teach me!”
Distract, segue into another area, divert attention to something else. When a seven-year-old girl turns into a prima donna, show her that you can make balloon animals, draw her a picture or tell her about the time you saw a round rainbow form around the sun.
Children love fantasy. They love to be inspired.
Appeal to their inner glow.
If the child does not stop behaving badly, offer it an alternative.
Needless to say, with a screaming parent as an aggressive and negative pole, the child does not stop screaming. In fact, with the word “No!, the screams grow more intense. The advice of tough child rearing falls flat. They screaming child creates what humanists call “cycles of maladjustment”. Hitters hitting hitters, frustration breeding frustration.
Being a father myself, I know what I am speaking of when I say that a “No!” sometimes is the only way out. What many parents miss nowadays, however, is that the child wants attention. If all you offer it is TV, candy and superficial merchandize, then that is what it will want. Fantasy and wonder is a large land that does not lay in any toy-shop. You can travel there any time inside your soul. In effect, saying “Yes!” and not “No!” is an equally thrilling and very complex form of art.
When a child then asks for candy, you could offer him fruit. I’ve tried it and it works. When he wants to watch TV, offer to play puppet theatre or a board game. Sometimes, my daughter even says she does not want to watch TV. Even better, create a rooster made out of red cotton balls, binoculars made out of toilet rolls or a snow-man made of play-doh. Trust the child to play the good game and realize then that everything is a game for him or her. Tell him
about the painter Raphael, the composer Mozart or about supernovas, a butterfly or chemistry. If you sell it well, you might have another Einstein on your hands. Watch them swallow information and turn dry fact into rainbows. God loves kids. God lives in them.
For any growing child, alternatives what to do with their time is a real winner. Give them things to do where they are not dependant on things in order to have fun. Singing, dancing, painting, handicrafting, inventing, counting, combining, storytelling, fantasizing: these are all things that not only catapult their use of imagination. This attitude also create professionals. The boy busy with making up stories might become a writer. The boy counting cars might become a mathematician.
The possibilities are endless. It all starts with a simple and correctly used “Yes!” and a parent who is willing to take the time to take his or her child seriously.
If everybody followed these very simple rules, we would have a perfect world. All we need is imagination and humility. It paves the way for creative production and avoids destructive criticism. The solution is always the healthy alternative. The answer is inside you. No medication can replace that.
The mom with the temperamentful child could scold and beat the poor kid. More likely, she would create a cycle of maladjustment and shove her child right to the spot that she urged her to avoid.
She could also spend some time with her daughter watching the clouds. “Hey, look, that cloud looks like an elephant!” She could tell her about the stars or just include the child in her work: “Okay, mommy has to shop now. We need rice. Can you help me find it?” Trust your child. It wants you to trust it. The girl gets the attention she deserves and an assignment plus confidence in a better world. Mom gets her work done and the kid loves it. She will learn to focus on the positive. My daughter often helps me clean up the dining room table and, man, she loves it. She knows she is getting a smiley and that means cash.
Handling the outbursts of a temperamentful child can sometimes be quite a challenge. The normal parental response is to forbid and punish. But a parent cannot only tell the child what not to do. If he or she does not offer the child a suitable alternative, it will leave as confused as it came. Consequently, we see that the art of how to say yes to a child can save a parent a great deal of stress.
With the amazing output of distractions in modern society, children are often incapable of letting go of the latest trends, the latest toy, the latest fashion. The basic need here is simple: attention. No more. No less. Read to the child, speak to the child. Take it seriously.
What do you do when you are down?
You look up.
And the world has, yet again, received another productive member of the human race.

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