Wanton(Celia Philips) An artless heart knows not fear, nor does a determined one. And yet her heart beat so hard that she gasped for breath. She dug her fingernails into the curtains of her window while the moon lit up her face adding a sparkle to the beads of sweat that covered her temple. Her mind galloped like a wild horse, crossing miles of thoughts, too scared to stop. The last time she had felt this way was when she was with him. But then her fear was coupled to desire. Pain to passion. Ice to fire. Innocence to cognition. Now it was different. There was no desire. No passion nor fire accompanied her. The decision was hers to make; the decision of leaving her home.

Laura was to be married the next day. The illuminated garden in front of her house and the jubilation in the backyard told her so. Earlier that evening, her mother had dressed her up in her bride-to-be costume and paraded her around the house. Laura glued her eyes to her feet and occasionally threw a glance at the person who spoke to her. The one thing that relieved her was that all that she was expected to say was a yes or a no. She gladly accepted her role of a shy bride and silently plotted inside her mind.

There were people everywhere...even in the toilets. How was she to supposed get out of this mad house? What was Jijo thinking? She had insisted that they elope earlier. Why did it have to be the night before the wedding? “So nobody would find out.” He had reasoned with her. “Nobody would even notice that you're gone. They would think that you're fast asleep in your room. And when they are all gone, I will call you. I'll be waiting for you under that tree.”

Laura ground her teeth with vexation. Why did it all have to be so complicated? Finally, she was allowed to retire to her bedroom which she did with a thankful heart. She waited for all the commotion to end.
Her bedroom was clean and smelled of roses; the bed was made, the crimson drapes pulled apart and tied with fancy strings. The suitcases that her mother had packed for her were stacked in one corner. Her white, satin wedding dress shone in the moonlight. Laura sighed. I wouldn't need it anymore. She thought. What a pity! The beauty of the dress made her sad. Ever since she was five she had imagined herself in that dress. All her life she had waited for that moment when she walked down the aisle with her father. She had dreamt of the blusher veil she would wear on her marriage and had listed down the flowers she would carry in her bouquet. She would look like an angel and all eyes would be on her.

Laura sat down on her sofa. All of her dreams seemed to mock her as they receded from her. You poor fool! What has happened to you?
What happened? She thought. She pondered over every detail of her life. Her father loved her and so did her mother. There was nothing in her childhood that she had wanted to change. She had enjoyed every moment of it. She loved her school; and she loved her friends. She loved and she was loved. Then what happened?

"Jijo! That's what happened." she muttered under her breath. Her life was on the right track until he came along and swooped her away. He took her to dangerous depths of ecstasy and in all innocence she yielded to him. And she took pride in being his conquest for he had chosen her.

For the first time in twenty years of her existence, Laura felt different. She was loved all her life. Loved but never conquered. No man ever found her desirable. No one approached her. Laura was pretty but no one treated her more than just a friend. She had secretly loved many a man but none had ever reciprocated. What was it? Her brown skin? Or her short hair? Or was it the way she talked? Or the way she walked? She had speculated on these questions and was about to conclude, quite painfully, that she would never find love when Jijo happened.

How did the most popular guy in college fall for her? What was it that he found so attractive in her? "I love your smile," he said to her. "I love the way you look at me. I love your eyes. Those big ones that drown me every time I look into them." She was tickled pink by his expressive love.
"Only my eyes?" She would inquire with a frown. And then they would laugh. And all these they did in strict secrecy. As much as she enjoyed their encounters, she dreaded the possibility of being seen by somebody who knew her.

Laura loved his face, his strong athletic biceps, his charm and his guts. He led every protest in their college, every team to the cup and every venture to a victory. He was a hero. She was smitten with him. And one night she opened her window for him to climb in.

Laura cringed at the memory. It was something that she had tried to forget. Although she did not regret it fully, for she trusted him, the thought of her lost virtue pricked her. She looked at the bag she had packed in order to leave when Jijo came for her.

When the final term ended, Laura had hoped that he would speak of marriage. He didn't. Yet Laura did not panic. She believed that his every action had a strong reason. He knew the best.

"Let me find a job, first. You know how important it is." He told her. He was right. How could one make a family without a job to his name? "You must wait."

Laura waited for him. They hardly spoke to each other for a year since they left college. Once in a while Jijo would call her up and update her on his job hunt. "It isn't easy, sweetheart. I'm trying my best."

Laura took upon herself the duty of consoling him. She knew how in need of money he was. So, she started sending him the amounts her father had given her. When Jijo hesitated to take it she asked him to think of it as her dowry. Poor Jijo, she thought. And she decided not to worry him with anything as inevitable as marriage.

One night Laura woke up to find her phone vibrating underneath her pillow. When she answered it there was silence.
“Hello!” she inquired. Somebody moaned and paused and then out came a string of obscenities. Laura rejected the call in disgust. As she dropped back on her pillow the phone rang again. She rejected it again and switched off her cellphone.

The next day Jijo called her.
“You okay?” he asked her.
“I’m all right. What is it?”
Jijo did not reply. “What is it, Jijo?”
“Well. It was Ani who called you last night. He was drunk…um…I’m sorry…”
“Ani? You let your friend call me? You let him say all that…”
“Laura, I’m sorry! I didn’t expect that he would speak rubbish. He told me that he wanted to talk to you.”
“So that is it? You gave my number to your drunken pal so he can humiliate me?”
“I’m sorry! I…”
“Enough! Don’t ever call me!”

How could he do this to her? She was so angry that she trembled. What was Jijo doing at Ani’s house? And he didn’t tell her that he was there. As her anger subsided, Laura decided to visit Ani.
Ani lived a few kilometers away from her. She had been to his house a couple of times. They were college mates. Ani was dumbstruck when he found Laura at his door step. Behind him, she saw books, papers and whisky bottles strewn all over the room. And on the furthest corner of the room, her lover sat gaping at her.

****************************************

Laura pulled the bag from under the bed and weighed it. It was light. She wasn’t planning to take anything with her, except a few clothes. She wrote a note to her parents.

Dear daddy and mummy,
I am in love with a man and he is not Freddy. I couldn’t tell you of him earlier. But if it is my happiness that you wish, please know that this is what makes me happy. Please, forgive me. I’m so sorry that it had to end this way. I shall write to you as soon possible.
Your loving daughter,
Laura

She folded the paper carefully and placed it under her watch. She stared at it for some time and then went back to the sofa and waited. Two more hours and soon she would be with Jijo. She wondered what it would be like to live with him. To be his wife. To be the wife of a jobless drunkard.
Her thoughts shifted to Freddy. What would living with him be like? She didn’t know why she blushed at the thought of him. He was her groom. The one preferred by her parents. The one who couldn’t keep his eyes off her since the day they’d met. The one who would be waiting for her at the altar on the morrow. She would never get to know it now that she had made her decision.

She remembered the day she first saw him. She was shopping for some books with her family when they bumped into her father’s old friend. The friends exchanged hugs, greetings, compliments and inquiries while the wives soon became friends. Behind them stood a young man who was leaning against the wall beside him. He scrutinized Laura from head to toe. Disregarding the fact that he was strikingly handsome, she was annoyed. While the parents continued to celebrate the unexpected reunion, the young man came forward and offered Laura’s father a hand.

“I’m Freddy.” he said. He was an engineer. He worked somewhere. He lived somewhere. Laura rolled her eyes and turned her face away from him as the father praised the son and the son humbly refused to acknowledge it.
“This is Laura, my daughter.” Her father proudly presented her to his friends. “She is an engineer as well.”
“Really?” asked Freddy. Laura glared at him as he stood there with a flaunty smile. “Which stream?”
“Computer Science. And you?”
“Mechanical” He replied.
“Why not have lunch together?” suggested her father.

Throughout the lunch the parents spoke of their lives before and after they’d parted their ways. They had so much to talk about that they were oblivious of the two younger members who were unusually silent. Laura stared at her plate so as to avoid any sort of an eye contact with the man who sat opposite her. He hadn’t stopped staring at her since they had left the book store. What does he want?

Often he passed a dish to her even after she refused continually to take it from him. She sensed that he was enjoying her irritation. And she wished that the lunch was over and she, back home. In the evening, Laura settled down in her room with a cup of coffee and a book. The comfort of her bed caused her to fall asleep but she was abruptly awakened by the sound of her cell phone. Unknown number. Who could it be?
An unfamiliar voice said “Hello.”
“Uh…who is this?” she asked.
“Is this Laura?”
“May I know who this is?”
“Ah! Laura”
She was puzzled. Jijo hadn’t called her for a fortnight.
“Uh…Jijo? What the hell is wrong with your voice? What took you so long to call…”
“I’m Freddy.”
Laura was thunderstruck. Freddy!
“Laura, it’s Freddy. The book store? We had lunch together?” he began to explain.
“I know, I know. How... how did you get my number?”
He did not answer. Instead, she heard laughter. Laura didn’t know what it was that made her angry. His laughter or the fact that he had called her?
“How did you get my number?” she snapped.
“Wow… cool down babe. You don’t need to know anything.”
“Really?” she said. “Well then, goodbye!”

*************************************

It was 3 o clock in the morning of her wedding day. The sun was yet to rise. Laura lay on her stomach. Her chin rested on the back of her hands as her fingers clasped her soft pillows. She thought of the days when she was pushed right into the arms of Freddy by her family. The more she tried to get away from him, the more she was forced to be around him. All of her relatives, young and old, loved him. And everybody assumed that they were to be married. He was a rich boy, well-employed, good-looking, good-natured and sociable. What more was required of a potential groom?

Everyone beamed.
She had only to say a yes. But how could she?
“There’s someone else?” Freddy asked her. She looked away from his grinning face.
“Who is it?” he pried.
“There’s no one.” she replied.
“Come on! I won’t tell anybody, I promise.”
“There is no one.” she repeated.
Freddy fixed his gaze upon her, trying to extract the secret from her.
“It’s Jijo, isn’t it?”
Laura’s jaw fell open. She shook her head vehemently and swallowed as she stumbled. Her reaction took Freddy aback. He caught her by her shoulder and sat her down on the chair and asked her if she was all right. They spent a few silent minutes of uncertainty; she, on the chair and he, kneeling down beside her. When Laura finally felt better, Freddy withdrew from her. He stopped at the door and observed her; and then he told her,
“Don’t worry Laura, your secret’s safe with me.”

For the first time in her life, she was terrified. She had fallen for this man whom she hardly knew and yet feared above all. Freddy tugged at her with such an inexorable strength that she felt a gush of contradicting forces clench her from within. How was it possible? How could she love two men at the same time? She felt like a slut. And in her urgency to conceal her shame she did all that she could to avoid him or to have anything to do with him; nevertheless, Freddy had become a part of her family already and there was no way to ward off an encounter. Whenever a cousin or an uncle brought up his name, Laura made a quick exit. And when he paid a call, she hardly left her bedroom.

She tried hard to contact Jijo but without much success. It had been a while since he had called her. She spoke to every friend of his but no one knew exactly where he was. The fact that Freddy knew her secret frightened her. She desperately sought Jijo.

When Laura found out that Jijo was alcoholic, she was furious. He spent his money, much of which she had given him, on liquor. But all of her outbursts and pleas fell on deaf ears. During one of those moments of fury she accepted Freddy’s proposal. She regretted it as soon as she did it. It was her fault. She thought. Some how, she connected the unfaithfulness of her heart to the mischance that had betided Jijo. Although he never appeared before her drunk, she knew that he was very much addicted. His friends said so.

Things spun out of control when she agreed to marry Freddy. She thought that Freddy wouldn’t want to marry her anymore now that he knew how fallen she was. But it was not so. Freddy desired to possess her; and no secret would stop him. The wedding was planned, the date was fixed, and the invitations were sent out.

“I can’t live without you! How could you do this to me?” cried Jijo. His words stung her heart. How could she do this to him? How could he let another man marry her?
“Take me with you.” she told Jijo.
“But…”
“Don’t say no. I will come with you. Either take me with you or ask my father to get us married.”
Jijo didn’t reply.
“Say something!”
“I need time!” he snapped back.
His indecision rendered her helpless. There she was, torn by her desire for one man and her obligation to another. Her heart ached for Jijo and yet it longed for Freddy.

The dawn had already broken and Laura could hear the birds chirp outside her window. She shut the window and sat down on her sofa once again. It was time to stop thinking and start doing. Where was Jijo? Why didn’t he call her? Was he drunk and asleep? Did he forget that she was here, awaiting his call?

She started to doubt the decision that she had made to elope with the lover whom she no longer loved. She calculated the pros and cons of her decision. She weighed the outcomes. She wondered for the first time what a shock it would be for her parents when they read her note. What dishonor she would bring them! People would laugh at them. She thought of all these over and over again. Every time she did it, she found herself move closer to Freddy. She tried to cover her passion for him with the thick blanket of reasons she had weaved in her mind.

As the sun light filled her bedroom, she made her decision. She was first a daughter and then a lover. After all, Jijo didn’t care to call. She thought. She washed her face and got ready to be married.

**************************************************

Jijo squinted through the fingers with which he covered his eyes to block the afternoon sun while Ani flipped through the pages of the newspaper. He sat up in his bed and yawned.
“What time is it?” he asked.
“2 p.m.”
Jijo reached for the bottle beside his bed.
“Really? First thing when you wake up? No wonder she left you.” Ani sneered at him.
“She left me? You think so?” Jijo asked before he started giggling. Then he sprang up to get his ringing cell phone.
“Hey, sweetheart!” Ani heard him answer hushedly. He strained his ears as he gradually recognized Nimmy’s voice.

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