The pictures race through her mind like a movie, she can see her lying on the floor, resting on the dark cold marble ground, covered in blood. Everyone is quiet. The woman on the ground still breathing heavily, but everyone is aware, she can’t be helped anymore, and her time came to leave this place. It seems like she is smiling to be able to leave finally… all the illusions gone forever. She coughs one last time, blood running from her lips along her white cheek, dripping onto the ground. Lifeless, her green eyes stare at the ceiling. Another demon walks over to her, tears in his eyes, and puts his big hand over her eyes, closing them, her body still warm… but the room so ice-cold.
“No, no, no!” She shakes her head and forces herself back to reality. “This never happened.” Fighting to hold back her tears, she looks at herself in the mirror, making herself believe the lies. “Shira, where are you?” her father yells up to her, “You have to leave now!” “I’m coming!” She yells back with renewed confidence. She takes a little make-up and stuffs it into her pockets, running down the old stairs of her and her father’s home. Pictures of where she was younger hang in the staircase. “You know your mom wouldn’t have wanted you to be late to this.” He father scolds her. “I don’t know what you are talking about” she snaps back and runs out the door, slamming it closed, roughly. Leaning against the door she takes a deep breath and repeats it quietly to herself, “… I never had a mom, never.” A few seconds later she walks down the old and broken street, surrounded by pine trees and grass. Constantly she has nightmares, and often the hurtful memories come back into her mind, and she successfully pushes them away, out of her mind. Whenever she meets any of her friends she tells them lies over lies. All her life feels like a lie to her.
Nothing is right anymore, and no one understands her. For most of the time she is alone in her room drawing what she really is, a demon. Nowadays demons are hated, and misunderstood, so even that has to be a secret. Her heart is broken, and can never be fixed completely. In denial of herself and what happened to her she lives her life, without living. Sometimes people try to remind her of where she came from, who she is, but she just turns around and leaves…
At night she kneels next to her bed, closing her eyes and fantasizing about a different life, a human life. So much would be easier. She bites her bottom lip, hard, making it bleed, and even harder, making the blood rush down her chin, as the memories dared to come back. “I never had a mom” she says once again to herself, and goes to bed.
“Shira, my little girl, Shira, what are you doing to yourself, what are you doing to me?” the voice is quiet, calm, and desperate “Why do you deny me? Have I ever denied you? Even when you were bad? I would never dare to.” “No, no, no, nooo... I don’t know who you are! Leave me alone!” she yells back confused, not knowing where the voice is coming from. Everything looks so strange, it’s all white, and bright, a bench in the middle of nowhere with an antique street lamp next to it, and she is sitting on the bench. “Where am I?” Shira whispers in fear. “Leave me alone, bring me back home!” now panicking, being confronted with what she had denied in her last five years. “Shira listen to me! I have something to tell you!” She says calmly and continues “I am near, even if you don’t see me. I am with you, even if I am far away. You are in my heart, in my thoughts, always.” “You are not, if you were you wouldn’t have killed yourself and left me like this!” She snaps back, now panting and crying on the bench, tears rushing down her little cheeks like never before, her beautiful grey eyes, swollen and surrounded by a dark red, her whole body shaking. “I can’t take this pain anymore, mom. I just, I can’t!” she squeaks. “It won’t get any better if you deny me, hon. I’m sorry, the voices told me to kill myself, I was sick sweetie, I was schizophrenic, you have to face the truth, it’s the only way you will be able to live again.” Her mother answers…. “I will always love you….”
Shaking, she awakes abruptly, sitting up, her whole body covered in sweat and she begins to quietly cry into her hands. Hours later the sun rises above the horizon, shining into her little window. Noticing how late it is, she gets out of her warm bed and takes a cold refreshing shower to cool down her face, and wash away the tears she had been crying. “I’m sorry I have denied you, mom. I know you’re not here, but still right next to me.” She quietly says to herself with a little smile on her face. Thinking back to her seventh birthday…the last she had together with her mother.
“No matter how much suffering you went through, you never wanted to let go of those memories.”