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- Story Listed as: Fiction For Teens
- Theme: Inspirational
- Subject: Life Experience
- Published: 12/04/2013
Beyond Anything I Know.
Born 1995, M, from Houston/Tx, United States"Now boarding flight 117 for Colorado Springs"
This is it, I'm finally going home. As I boarded the plane and tucked away my suitcases, I looked outside the window. The sun was just over the clouds getting ready to set. Lucky for me, I had the window seat, which meant no awkward middle seat or sleep-interrupting aisle seat either.
As I stared out at the clouds, I couldn't help but think of the events that had just unraveled in the past four months. College was no joke and neither was the weather in Hamilton, New York. I could still see the snow on the runway of the airport through the frozen glass window. There were safety guards shoveling the snow, preparing the airplane for liftoff. I felt bad for them but I knew it was their job. For all I know, they probably enjoyed it, or perhaps they were sick of it. I knew I would be. I had always wanted to get away from Colorado Springs. I had just about had enough of the mountains and the warm/cold weather. I wanted consistency, not warm days and cold nights. I guess that's why I came to the North East; I wanted to see if it was anything like in the movies where there was snow, trees changing color, and even places to see.
Rest assured, it most definitely was what I hoped for it to be. Though, I couldn't help but feel alone. I always thought I was a strong person. I thought I could go half way across the country without feeling homesick or lonely. In the past I had field trips to different states for weeks at a time: California, Montana, Texas. Never did I feel homesick, but instead, I had this urge to stay. I loved traveling and being independent.
I guess when you throw school work, breaks, and guys into the equation, things just come rumbling down. I thought I could make it four months without feeling homesick, but things just seemed to happen.
During each break, I'd spend my time in my dorm thinking about how much I loved the empty campus and the time alone, but after a while, it got lonely. Constant updates about friends being home because they were simply a train ride away, enjoying the warmth of their families, while I was on campus sipping away my hot chocolate, watching movies like The Notebook, and The Vow. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed watching my movies and crying at consistent love stories, but I wanted much more.
When we weren't on break, I still felt alone. I could be surrounded by mobs of friends or even out partying, but somehow I still felt alone. Something inside me felt lonely. Perhaps I wanted what any other girl wanted at my age; a relationship. Though some college girls are here just to sleep around, I didn't want to be just another number to a guy. I wanted to matter. I wanted to be his something.
Though, this day in age it's hard to find anything of some sort. People nowadays are sexually driven. If they can't stick it in ya, they keep on moving.
I had a crush on a guy, though he doesn't know I exist. Well, I wouldn't say had, more along the lines of have, but it makes no difference. I'm just another person.
What upsets me the most about being a teenager is the raging hormones. One minute you're totally fine, going about your own business, and the next you'll be sobbing your eyes out because you think you're in love or at least think you like someone so much. It's like this never ending cycle.
Sometimes I wonder if perhaps I'm not suppose to be in a relationship and instead, discovering who I am. I mean, isn't that what college is all about? Finding your inner self or something like that?
Though, I feel like that's hard. Like how do you even know something like that? I always imagined you'd grow up being an adult and just knowing who you are. I'm scared to never find out who I truly am because I'm so reluctant to try new things. I feel so reserved.
Although I enjoy the comfort of my friends, I still haven't found that someone I could totally open up to. I haven't found that best friend whom I can babble on about my secrets or even my worries. I think it's because I'm scared to. Putting that much trust on someone almost spells disaster if one day they decide they don't want to be your friend. They could use it against you and tell everyone else your deepest darkest secrets and insecurities.
That's what I'm afraid of. That, and being judged. I wouldn't want my friend thinking about my problems every time he or she looked at me. Having those eyes examine you from head to toe to make sure you're alright.
Through it all, that's all I ever wanted. It might seem ironic, but it's true. I want to have that level of comfort with someone. The ability to tell them everything that's wrong with me, and what bugs me. But I don't know if I ever will because I'm too scared to share. I wouldn't want anyone thinking I'm some whinny girl who has 1001 problems.
As I look out at the night sky and the lights from the city below us, I can't help but think about how happy I was to leave to college. I was so eager to get out, to be free, to go somewhere else.
I've always loved plane rides because it gives me time to think about anything I want without the disturbance of a text or a message. It's the one time anyone truly becomes disconnected from the world and just ventures off into their own thoughts, unless you pay the five bucks for the wireless internet.
I feel as if that's something we as a whole forgot to do: communicate. When I say communicate, I mean speaking with one another without the barriers of social media, texting, and IMing. I miss the days when you could have meaningful conversations with someone. Talk about everything and anything.
Although I'm reluctant to talk about my feelings, I'd love to have random conversations with people about anything like "Would an open marriage work out?" or even "What is love?"
Love. Such a touchy subject. I've always wondered what love is. Most say you don't know what it is until you feel it, and others say it's a bunch of chemical reactions going on in your head. So cynical huh? I'd like to believe love is when you find someone you're completely comfortable with. A time when you don't worry about how your significant other can make you happy but instead, how you can make them happy.
It's tough though. Falling for someone is so easy. You see their perfections and you just crave their attention so bad, but sooner or later, it almost never goes both ways. Someone always gets hurt. I'm not saying it always happens, but it happens most of the time, it does. Guys just find someone better and want to leave it all behind. On the other hand, the minute girls stop feeling the attention, they start falling even harder for the guys and all of a sudden you see guys turn into jerks and girls just keep pleading for their love.
It's so messy. The sad part is that the guys who are actually worth the trouble, the ones that are so nice, are always friend zoned. The ones that are always there for someone, the ones that are always so kind, and making you feel special, end up being pushed back because they're "so nice."
But in the end, I'd like to believe that we all find our someone. I don't believe the whole "soul mate" crap, but what I do believe is that you should take a metaphorical bite of a cookie and run with it. The best relationships are the ones that you take a risk with. I'm not saying that I'd go around saying yes to any creep that asked me out, but if at some point some nice guy asked me out and I've known him and I feel like it could work out, why not?
We spend our whole lives waiting for the perfect relationship, dreaming up this prince charming, yet we ignore the opportunities that stare us directly in the face.
Ah, I feel all icky now babbling on about love. But, I mean, it happens. We all think about it sometimes. We'd like to believe that something waits for us, something grand.
As for now, the only thing grand waiting for me is my big comfy bed at home. And of course, my family. God knows you can only go so long without moral support before you come crashing down.
Through it all, a break is good for you. Every now and then we have to leave the places we are in to just seek fun and comfort somewhere else. That way, when the break is over, you can come back to what you've left behind with a fresh pair of eyes. Eyes that have cried out the issues you've been thinking about over and over. Eyes that can move past the rut you've been stuck in for months and couldn't seem to sum up the courage to move on. And finally, eyes that can see beyond anything you know. That way, when you look at things with these fresh set of eyes, you can see the opportunities that have been staring you straight in the face, and the ruts you've been dragging on for so long.
In the end, we all need a break, that way we can pick up the pieces when we've summed up our courage to do so.
Beyond Anything I Know.(James Oliver Welch)
"Now boarding flight 117 for Colorado Springs"
This is it, I'm finally going home. As I boarded the plane and tucked away my suitcases, I looked outside the window. The sun was just over the clouds getting ready to set. Lucky for me, I had the window seat, which meant no awkward middle seat or sleep-interrupting aisle seat either.
As I stared out at the clouds, I couldn't help but think of the events that had just unraveled in the past four months. College was no joke and neither was the weather in Hamilton, New York. I could still see the snow on the runway of the airport through the frozen glass window. There were safety guards shoveling the snow, preparing the airplane for liftoff. I felt bad for them but I knew it was their job. For all I know, they probably enjoyed it, or perhaps they were sick of it. I knew I would be. I had always wanted to get away from Colorado Springs. I had just about had enough of the mountains and the warm/cold weather. I wanted consistency, not warm days and cold nights. I guess that's why I came to the North East; I wanted to see if it was anything like in the movies where there was snow, trees changing color, and even places to see.
Rest assured, it most definitely was what I hoped for it to be. Though, I couldn't help but feel alone. I always thought I was a strong person. I thought I could go half way across the country without feeling homesick or lonely. In the past I had field trips to different states for weeks at a time: California, Montana, Texas. Never did I feel homesick, but instead, I had this urge to stay. I loved traveling and being independent.
I guess when you throw school work, breaks, and guys into the equation, things just come rumbling down. I thought I could make it four months without feeling homesick, but things just seemed to happen.
During each break, I'd spend my time in my dorm thinking about how much I loved the empty campus and the time alone, but after a while, it got lonely. Constant updates about friends being home because they were simply a train ride away, enjoying the warmth of their families, while I was on campus sipping away my hot chocolate, watching movies like The Notebook, and The Vow. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed watching my movies and crying at consistent love stories, but I wanted much more.
When we weren't on break, I still felt alone. I could be surrounded by mobs of friends or even out partying, but somehow I still felt alone. Something inside me felt lonely. Perhaps I wanted what any other girl wanted at my age; a relationship. Though some college girls are here just to sleep around, I didn't want to be just another number to a guy. I wanted to matter. I wanted to be his something.
Though, this day in age it's hard to find anything of some sort. People nowadays are sexually driven. If they can't stick it in ya, they keep on moving.
I had a crush on a guy, though he doesn't know I exist. Well, I wouldn't say had, more along the lines of have, but it makes no difference. I'm just another person.
What upsets me the most about being a teenager is the raging hormones. One minute you're totally fine, going about your own business, and the next you'll be sobbing your eyes out because you think you're in love or at least think you like someone so much. It's like this never ending cycle.
Sometimes I wonder if perhaps I'm not suppose to be in a relationship and instead, discovering who I am. I mean, isn't that what college is all about? Finding your inner self or something like that?
Though, I feel like that's hard. Like how do you even know something like that? I always imagined you'd grow up being an adult and just knowing who you are. I'm scared to never find out who I truly am because I'm so reluctant to try new things. I feel so reserved.
Although I enjoy the comfort of my friends, I still haven't found that someone I could totally open up to. I haven't found that best friend whom I can babble on about my secrets or even my worries. I think it's because I'm scared to. Putting that much trust on someone almost spells disaster if one day they decide they don't want to be your friend. They could use it against you and tell everyone else your deepest darkest secrets and insecurities.
That's what I'm afraid of. That, and being judged. I wouldn't want my friend thinking about my problems every time he or she looked at me. Having those eyes examine you from head to toe to make sure you're alright.
Through it all, that's all I ever wanted. It might seem ironic, but it's true. I want to have that level of comfort with someone. The ability to tell them everything that's wrong with me, and what bugs me. But I don't know if I ever will because I'm too scared to share. I wouldn't want anyone thinking I'm some whinny girl who has 1001 problems.
As I look out at the night sky and the lights from the city below us, I can't help but think about how happy I was to leave to college. I was so eager to get out, to be free, to go somewhere else.
I've always loved plane rides because it gives me time to think about anything I want without the disturbance of a text or a message. It's the one time anyone truly becomes disconnected from the world and just ventures off into their own thoughts, unless you pay the five bucks for the wireless internet.
I feel as if that's something we as a whole forgot to do: communicate. When I say communicate, I mean speaking with one another without the barriers of social media, texting, and IMing. I miss the days when you could have meaningful conversations with someone. Talk about everything and anything.
Although I'm reluctant to talk about my feelings, I'd love to have random conversations with people about anything like "Would an open marriage work out?" or even "What is love?"
Love. Such a touchy subject. I've always wondered what love is. Most say you don't know what it is until you feel it, and others say it's a bunch of chemical reactions going on in your head. So cynical huh? I'd like to believe love is when you find someone you're completely comfortable with. A time when you don't worry about how your significant other can make you happy but instead, how you can make them happy.
It's tough though. Falling for someone is so easy. You see their perfections and you just crave their attention so bad, but sooner or later, it almost never goes both ways. Someone always gets hurt. I'm not saying it always happens, but it happens most of the time, it does. Guys just find someone better and want to leave it all behind. On the other hand, the minute girls stop feeling the attention, they start falling even harder for the guys and all of a sudden you see guys turn into jerks and girls just keep pleading for their love.
It's so messy. The sad part is that the guys who are actually worth the trouble, the ones that are so nice, are always friend zoned. The ones that are always there for someone, the ones that are always so kind, and making you feel special, end up being pushed back because they're "so nice."
But in the end, I'd like to believe that we all find our someone. I don't believe the whole "soul mate" crap, but what I do believe is that you should take a metaphorical bite of a cookie and run with it. The best relationships are the ones that you take a risk with. I'm not saying that I'd go around saying yes to any creep that asked me out, but if at some point some nice guy asked me out and I've known him and I feel like it could work out, why not?
We spend our whole lives waiting for the perfect relationship, dreaming up this prince charming, yet we ignore the opportunities that stare us directly in the face.
Ah, I feel all icky now babbling on about love. But, I mean, it happens. We all think about it sometimes. We'd like to believe that something waits for us, something grand.
As for now, the only thing grand waiting for me is my big comfy bed at home. And of course, my family. God knows you can only go so long without moral support before you come crashing down.
Through it all, a break is good for you. Every now and then we have to leave the places we are in to just seek fun and comfort somewhere else. That way, when the break is over, you can come back to what you've left behind with a fresh pair of eyes. Eyes that have cried out the issues you've been thinking about over and over. Eyes that can move past the rut you've been stuck in for months and couldn't seem to sum up the courage to move on. And finally, eyes that can see beyond anything you know. That way, when you look at things with these fresh set of eyes, you can see the opportunities that have been staring you straight in the face, and the ruts you've been dragging on for so long.
In the end, we all need a break, that way we can pick up the pieces when we've summed up our courage to do so.
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