Start Over; if you loved me, why'd you leave me?

Start Over; if you loved me, why'd you leave me?(christine) Unlike many stories this story doesn’t end with a happy ending or a fairy tale or getting the boy in the end. This story is about friendship, love, memories, regrets and the process of letting someone go, which I still haven’t figured out as I am writing this.
Peyton Sawyer once said: “that’s the toughest part: letting go, you know? That’s the part of grace that really sucks.”
This year, I got everything I wanted and everything I wished for but in a way, I lost even more. We had known each other since year 5, at that point I had a huge crush on him and he had some feelings for me and my best friend; who liked him also. As the years progressed our feelings went on and off. One time he told me he liked me and I said I didn’t like him back and then at school I started avoiding him and that made him mad at me and he proceeded in avoiding me back and ignoring me. So then I went up to him and apologised and he forgave me and everything was good again.
Throughout these past 4 years me and him had gotten really close and were best friends. We talked every day, from morning to night time. We told each other everything and he was sweet and I loved him and he loved me right back. He made me this thing that said “I love you bee” because I called him boo and he called me bee or I would call him bimbo and he would call me bumbo. He made my heart ache in a good way, he was protective and he was caring. A few months after the last time it happened, it happened again. But this time I told him I had feelings for him and he said he had feelings for me back but after a few days my feelings became non-existent and I had asked a lot of people for advice on what to do because I kept saying if I tell him it may ruin our friendship but I was just saying that. I never thought it actually would.
That was in August. Now it’s December.
He never forgave me.
He just ignored me. And when we are together we just don’t talk. There’s just silence; silence and disappointment. I tried. I tried so hard to make everything good again; I apologised, I cried, I begged and more but it never was enough. Sometimes we would make up but then he would just go back to ignoring me the next day. After 2 months of trying I gave up. But I never gave up on him no matter how much I told everyone else I had. My heart still skips a beat when I see him or when I look at my iPod and there’s a message from him.
They say that losing your way on a journey is unfortunate but losing your reason for that journey is a fate more cruel. And sometimes I forget why I even started trying in the first place.
What sucks the most is that during these past 3 months, I have had feelings for him and not once have they gone or lessened; they are as persistent and prominent as ever. And that is when I realised that I can’t let go of him not because I love him but because I am in love with him. And I think I always have been. And I was going to tell him as he had just stopped liking Naomi but then at school I found out that him and this girl called Jess was about to start dating (they did). And Khyl from the second I heard those words “Khyl and jess are soon going to be dating,” my heart sank. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think, and now that I’ve managed to at least move, all I can think about is one moment you and I shared months ago. Over and over, that same insignificant moment repeats in my head. I can’t tell you why.
It was in July and we were at epic and it was just you me and jess and you said you would get rid of jess if that meant being alone with me. Do you remember this? We had been sitting down on the ground and you rested your back against the wall and eventually I moved and leaned my back against the wall as well and you all of a sudden quickly moved really fast and sat right beside me.
He used to tell me bedtime stories. I don’t think I’ve ever really told anybody that before. It was like our little secret. But every night, he’d message me and start telling me a bedtime story. And after he was gone I remember lying in bed for the first time and just feeling silence you know? And then realising for the rest of my life it was gone. All his messages were gone and his stories and the way it used to soothe me; just all of it. So I guess I tried to find new stories to fill that quiet but none of them ever really have. You know, they’re gone, and our friendships gone. And Khyl is gone. There’s just silence. There’s just silence.
There was this one week it had been raining non-stop and then the weekend came along and it was starting to stop raining and become sunny and for some reason me and him talked for that whole weekend and he said “I think it’s stopped raining” and I replied “maybe it finally has.” But I didn’t mean the rain. One of the most painful memories is this one day at school I was very upset about something that had happened and it was lunch time and I and he were sitting next to each on a bench and I don’t know how he knew but he knew that what I needed was to just be held. And that’s what he did. He wrapped his arms around me and just held me and healed me.
He said I was amazing, he said I could be amazing, he said we were destined to be friends, he said it to the world and he said it to me and I wish he never had because he did not mean any of it.
We once talked about our kids and what their names would be and what stories we would tell them and part of me feels like none of it was real; being best friends because the greatest moments I can think of that we shared together, he had feelings for me during those times so maybe we never really were. We had decided that we would go to formal together and I remember people asking us “what about if you guys aren’t friends then?” and I would respond with “we will be” and usually I wouldn’t say something like that because I would be too scared to jinx it, but I was so sure so certain that we would be because he was such a prominent and permanent person in my life and picturing a time when we wouldn’t be friends seemed impossible. And I know that the world doesn’t punish you for being afraid but here we are. Not friends.
I wish I could change some of the things about how I’ve acted in the last couple of months. I guess I’m just disappointed in myself. You know? I told Khyl that if he loved his girlfriend then I’d learn to be okay with that because I wanted him to be happy, but really I just wanted us to be happy. Like me and him. And despite how confused I’ve been or lost, I might have gotten, there was him; finding me, and saving me. Sometimes something will happen with one of his friends or just with him and he would talk to me about it and we would just talk and laugh and it would go on for a bit and I know he’s just using me but it’s like I’ve finally got what I want and it’s hard to let go of it, even if it is for the wrong reasons.
I have so many memories that are just swirling around in my head every day. And each one is worse than the last. And I don’t have anything else to go on.
Sometimes I think maybe I’ll wake up and life without him ain’t that hard to face but some days I sleep in because I know that when I get up; he won’t be there. And then another day without him begins. It scares me sometimes; how much everything has changed like I remember when we used to talk hours on end just enjoying each other’s company and now I’m lucky to even talk to him for 5 minutes.
What happened to us? You know? I don’t know who I am anymore, or how I got here. I miss who I used to be. I wanna have a home again, you know? And real friends that stay. You know the kind of friendships we used to believe in. I miss that. And I miss him. I guess I just miss all of it. Does any of that make any sense?
A few weeks ago, he was saying how his biggest regret was ignoring me and stuffing up our friendship and that if he could he would go back and slap himself and change everything. But does that mean he would go back and not do all that so we’d still be friends and then does that mean he wishes to be friends? Because if that is the case then I have gave him so many chances and every time he makes me feel like a fool for it. He said a while ago that part of him still thinks of me as his best friend but who treats their best friend like this? But then again who sticks around after being treated like this?
“Do you ever miss him?” of course I do. It’s all I do. And I think about him every day. He’s the first thought on my mind when I wake up and when I go to sleep and I thought it would get better and eventually I wouldn’t miss him because everyone said that it’ll get better. But it hasn’t. I still miss him every day and think about him every day and I just don’t know what to do because I see him talking normally to his other friends and I’m watching him and everyone else around me move on with their lives and I am just stuck here; standing still. I just wanna be happy again and feel alive again and not like part of me is missing you know? I wanna see the magic in the world again because there’s no magic in the world. At least today there isn’t.
And so I wish for patience, and grace, and mostly I pray for the strength to just let him be happy and not make his life worse because of what I want. And I want hope. And I want Khyl. But I know he’s happy and I think that that’s the hardest part, knowing he’s happy you know? Knowing that even without me in his life he’s still happy and it makes me think; was he happier when we were friends or now, when we aren’t? And I think that’s the scariest part you know? Knowing he was happier without me in his life.
I told him “and if we never talk again, that’ll be fine.” And then I walked away. And he didn’t stop me. So later on I messaged him and said to him “It is going to suck but if what you want is for me to let go then I’m gonna do it. Be happy Khyl. I want that with all my heart.” And that was what he wanted. Every day we ignore how truly broken this world is and we tell ourselves “it’s all going to be okay” but it’s not going to be okay, I know that now. Once you know that, there’s no going back.
I found a stillness and stableness in myself within him. And I think I’ve been afraid of changing because I’ve built my life around him. And I think it’s also because I loved how sweet he was and how he would constantly tell me I’m beautiful and that I mean the world to him. I watched how caring and meticulous he was with the words he chose for me like he was holding onto me. He was more than just a friend because of what he brought to my life: direction, beauty, and meaning. But even in my darkest hours, I knew in my heart that someday he would return to me, and my world would be whole again. And my belief in God and love and art would be re-awakened in my heart.