My Risk

My Risk(Cami) : December 22, 2013: (present)
I walk in as the fire starts to burn my soul and I think why did I make that mistake that could kill me in the end? As I step out of the dull lifeless classroom and as James crosses the hall with a box that looks very heavy. He makes me laugh all the time but in secret I cry because I wonder if he knows what I did I don’t know how much longer I can pretend to be “just one of the guys” because I’m sure that’s all he sees me as just “one of the guys” that’s it that’s all I’ll ever be to him a guy, a friend, a buddy never would James see me as a chick, his brother’s girlfriend, or his brother’s true love.

I’ve decide to not tell James about what happened between his brother Eric and I two weeks ago even if he already knows he wouldn’t be able to take it all in he will think I joking with him.
If your best friend that you’ve known since kindergarten said she kissed your brother would you be able to handle it? I told him that guys were disgusting excuses for humans I told him no guy was worth it what’s he going to think when he finds out his brother and his best friend made out in the kitchen and on the couch and on his front porch well when you turn fourteen you get older and you change personality, traits, feelings, emotions. You just change

Eric keeps trying to make the kisses seem more than it is. He kissed me,
: December 8, 2013: (two weeks ago)
All that happened was James, Eric, and I were in the kitchen making popcorn for “Thursday movie night” then Sara James’s twin sister came in
She said “Can I join you guys “
“No you're too young” snapped Eric
“But James is allowed to”
“Ya but James is a boy”
“But Cambrey isn't”
“So she’s cool”
“But I’m cool”
And all at the same time me, James, and Eric all said “No you're not” then she said “Fine, if that’s how you feel I'm gone”
I snickered “Drama queen” the boys laughed uncontrollably for about three minutes then I said “What's so funny” and James said “you're calling my sister a drama queen have you met yourself” I punched him in the arm “Rude little shrimp” even though he's only a quarter of an inch shorter than me.
Eric put about the third bag of popcorn in the microwave and pressed the button then James said “Hey with popcorn how about some soda” I looked at Eric then back at James then I said “Sure want me to go pick up some”
They both screamed “NOOOO” then James said “It’s too late im sure we have some in the fridge then Eric said “No we don’t dad took the last one yesterday” then James said “it’s cool I’ll just go to the man cave and get some more” then I said “By man cave do you mean the basement” he didn’t answer.


Then Eric and I were talking about what movie to watch when he looked right at me and said “I love you” and I said “no I hate that movie can we watch some….” I didn’t even get to finish my sentence he hugged me then just kissed me I pushed him away then said “no”
“No what I thought you liked me”
“Like a brother not like that”
“But you always sit by me on Thursday movie nights and snuggle up to me and lay your head on my chest that means you like me”
“No that doesn’t that means I feel safe around you and can trust you that doesn’t mean im into you that would be wrong”
“Why would it be wrong?”
“Because you’re like really close to me”
“Oh so you don’t like me”
“Well I never said that”
“Oh”
Then he leaned over towards me and kissed me again but this time I didn’t push him away but accepted it and kissed him back and wrapped my arms around his neck as my back shoved into the granite countertop.
Moments later I could hear James’s feet shuffling down the hall under the weight of the cans of soda “he’s so weak” I thought in my mind then said “Eric, James is coming”
“So he’s going to find out we kissed sooner or later”
“I choose later”
“Why”
“I just do”
Then he let go of my waist then just stood next to me and poured all three bags of popcorn in a large blue, green, and purple striped bowl
It was our movie night popcorn bowl and drenched the popcorn in low-fat butter I have been coming over every Thursday since second grade for Thursday movie night you would have thought that if Eric liked me he would have let me know like I don’t know three years ago
Then James walked in and said “what happened in here”
I replied “nothing”
“Doesn’t look like nothing”
“Well it was nothing just drop it”
“Movie what movie to watch”
“We didn't decide yet”
“Really”
“Yep”
“Well let’s see what we have”
“Sounds good”
“Titanic?” asked James
“Nah to sad” said Eric
“Ultimate gift”
“No try something un-depressing”
“Ok how about the wonderful day”
“Sounds good to me. Cambrey?”
“The what?” I asked suspiciously
“The wonderful day it’s a horror and romance”
“Sounds stupid but whatever I guess”
“OK I’ll go get it out of the movie shelf in the room"
Seconds that felt like hours crawled by and my and Eric were just sitting on the grey leather couch as I stare at a grape juice and blood stain at the bottom of the couch and have a flash back of how it got there
: April 15th 2008:
James: Cambrey I bet you this whole cup of grape juice I can beat you are wrestling (when a girl could wrestle a boy and no one would say shit)
Me: yummy grape juice no problem I can bet you you're a wimp
Eric: guys someone is going to get hurt (we should have listened)
Me: no we won’t I promise (never make promises you can’t keep)
so I grabbed James leg and threw him to the ground and held him down then he took my arm and flipped over and sat on top of me holding my wrists to the ground and I tapped out (only because I couldn't breathe)

when he finally let me up he I accidentally stepped on the wine glass and grape juice and blood went everywhere good thing their carpet was red but their couch was a different story James scrubbed and scrubbed as hard as he could to get out the stain as Eric addressed the wound it stung as he removed the glass from my foot and poured water then peroxide to clean it then he wrapped it in "non-stick cotton wrap" he said it like a surgeon I couldn't laugh it hurt too bad
:December 8,2013:
Then as I laugh Eric looks at me then the stain
I told you guys it was a bad idea"
"Yeah we should have listened or at least me" I replied
"Well you guys were nine"
"Yeah so were you"
"Nine and a half thank you very much"
"Oh yeah huh?"
"Yep"
I still have the scar"
"Really"
"Yes"
______________________________________________________________
Then I slid closer to him then he slid right next to me then he put his hand right next to my leg it was uncomfortable (I was wearing my bed time shorts) at first then I put my hand on my knee he grabbed it the let go of it and slid his hand to the middle of my thigh I looked at his hand then at his perfect lips then our eyes met then with his free hand took my right hand and placed it over his heart all I could feel was the bump…bum…bump… bum…bump…bum of his heart they he slid his hand from mine down to his shirt collar and unbuttoned the first four buttons I slid my hand over the unbuttoned slits back over his heart and our eyes met yet again then with my left hand took his head and softly pressed his lips against mine and we kissed again with every open and close of the mouth we each took a breath then I could hear James in the kitchen messing around so i talked with Eric in between kisses

“I can hear James” I said softly
[Kiss]
“So”
[Kiss]
“So we should stop”
[Kiss]
“Why”
[Kiss]
“Because”
[Stop]
“Because why”
“He can’t know”
“Why can’t he know?”
“He just can’t”
“Are you embarrassed?”
“Of course not”
“Then why”
“He won’t be mature about it and I won’t handle it well”
“Ok I respect that anyway we will tell him together when he is ready”
“Yeah”
James walked in carrying the bowl of popcorn and three sodas
(Eric’s hand was still on my leg but James couldn’t see it because of the back of the couch)
James asked “what is with you guys I leave you alone for a couple of minutes and when I come back its al silent and awkward someone better tell me what’s going on right now!”
I looked at Eric then James then Eric
Then Eric announced “NOTHING OK NOTHING IS GOING ON”
Then I said “we were just talking about the match in fourth grade”
“Oh and Eric calm down ok just calm down”
“So let’s get to the movie” I said to break the silence
“Yes” said both boys
Then James set the popcorn and sodas on the coffee table then I said
“Burr its cold in here im going to go to your room and get some blankets is that cool”
“Who’s” James asked
“Eric’s”
“Ok?”
“Here I’ll go with you I have to more arms” said Eric
“Ok”
“I’ll set up the movie stuff and get some candy and all that” said James

So once Eric and I were out of James’ sight I grabbed his hand then we walked in his room and he let go and asked
“Why did you really want to come in my room?”
“To do this” I replied
I pushed him one his bed and picked up two blankets off the floor
He laughed with confusion then pecked me on the cheek and I kissed him quickly then he grabbed three pillows then we left his room.
We walked down the long hallway just laughing and talking about the years I have hung over at his house
“Remember that one time you came over in the middle of the night because you were all alone at your house and you were scared” he said happily
“Hey I wasn’t scared ok I just hate being alone in my house it’s huge”
“I remember you found the spare key in the planter then you relocked the door and came in to my room and took a pillow and my stealers blanket and made a bed on my floor and I found you in the morning and I was so tired I almost stepped on you”
“Yeah it was kind of scary”
“That was the day I started falling in love with you”
“Really”
“Yes. Can I ask you something?”
“Sure”
“Why my room”
I stopped walking and just stood there
“Because I feel safe with you and I didn’t want to go sleep in James’ room. Because I didn’t love him”
“Didn’t?”
“Don’t”
We laughed it off and sat back on the long couch and James got up to turn off the lights and asked
“What took you guys so long?”
“I couldn’t find any good blankets” I said hastily
“Oh”
Then he flipped the switch then Eric and I tossed him a small blanket and a pillows
And Eric and I cuddled under a large Raider’s blanket I bought him Eric for his 12th birthday (Raiders are my favorite team) and started watching the movie

About half way into the movie I am streaming tears like a five year old then Eric wipes them and his hands feel so soft to my face but even after he finishes wiping my tears he keeps stroking my face with every soft slow stroke it feels more and more magical then he puts his hand back under the blanket and holds my hand.
My hand is really sweaty by now so I let go of his hand and wipe it on my shorts only to hold it again.
When the movie was over I got up to turn on the lights and as I stand up Eric squeezes my hand tighter and tighter then I just let it go and turn one the lights
Then all over us cleaned up the mess we made and then went to bed I decided to sleep in Eric’s room but not on the floor or the bed because since my last sleepover in Eric’s room his mom let him get a futon and I slept on the sometimes in the middle of the night Eric would ask if I was ok and I always was when it was finally morning I could smell roses so I followed the wonderful scent that led me to the kitchen where Eric was cutting roses for the Christmas party
“Good morning” Eric chimed
“I love that smell” I said sleepily
“Me too. But here”
He handed me a rose with a bow on it
“Thanks”
“Welcome”
“I have something for you too”
“Ok”
I pulled out a small box with a blue bow on it out of my back pack
And handed it to him he opened it excitedly
“A bracelet?”
“No”
“Then what is it”
“A necklace”
I pulled it out of the box and put it around his neck he looks at the charms
“I don’t get it” he said
“It has my initials on it”
“Ok?”
“So I will always be close to your heart”
He just smiled the I kissed him on the cheek and waited for James to wake up
“Good morning you wild animal” I said to James
“Hey I haven’t shaved yet” he replied
“Shaved what. Your eyebrows”
“So funny I forgot to laugh”
“You’re not old enough to shave”
“Hey I have body hair I hit puberty”
“Where…..wait don’t answer I really don’t want to know”
“So what’s for breakfast wifely?”
“I don’t know ask the chef”
“Chef Eric what shall you prepare us this fine morning?” talking in a British accent
“Nothing you lazy bum” says Eric hysterically
I laughed so hard I snorted but the boys didn’t hear it
“Well then you’re fired” said James still in the accent
“No I quit”
“I already fired you. You can’t quit after I fired you”
“Well fine”
“Fine what good sir”
“James cut it out”
Then we just sat around with our bowls of cereal watching the “crazy carz”
Then I said
“Well I better go I had fun see you guys later”
“Why you leaving so early” James asked
“Early its three o’clock” I replied
“Ok well bye”
He waved franticly
“Here I’ll grab your stuff” Eric said
He grabbed my backpack and stroke my face once more and kissed me in front of James and I left without saying anything

: December 22, 2013: (present)
Today I sit and wish I could relive my stay over and over again.
Even if James knows.
I will take the risk.
For love.