10 Commandments of Working in Retail

The 10 Commandments Of Working in Retail



Think of me as your Moses of Retail. If you do not follow these commandments, you probably won’t have your job for very long. So listen up (well, read) and worship this guide!

1. Thou Shalt not get pissed before work

Ok, I know this may seem obvious but trust me, when your friend who works at Nandos tells you that he and his colleagues have a few beers before work (which is in fact supervised by the manager!) because it makes the time go faster, you will at least be tempted to try it. Don’t. It does make the time go faster but your customer service also drastically improves and you have to keep that stuff up which is impossible.


2. Thou Shalt not converse with colleagues whilst serving a customer

And yes, talking includes dancing because it scares the customers. There is nothing worse than listening to what the idiot serving you did on the weekend at Sophie’s party with some boy *coughs* excuse me?


3. Thou Shalt not cause harm

Of course not punching the customer in the face is good but stalking good looking customers, harassing about special offers that nobody cares about, ‘accidentally’ tripping over small children (even if the little shit deserved it) and strangling customers who seem to literally set bombs off in areas you have just tidied all day is also causing harm. Just Don’t.


4. Thou Shalt not bear false witness

Don’t lie! Managers in shops seem to have this sixth sense or something, so if you’re late and use the ‘my bus was late’ excuse, they know that you just couldn’t be bothered. You also can’t lie about completing tasks (we all get tempted to just stand out back for a few minutes and tell the customer that it’s not in stock), life experiences and your age (no matter how good looking he is, Honey, you’re 16 and he’s 24. Give up?)


5. Thou Shalt not be of no assistance

I know that we shop workers can’t know EVERYTHING but never just say ‘I don’t know’ or point in a random direction when a customer asks for help. If you’re not sure, tell the customer and then offer to find somebody who can help. If not, I will personally hunt you down and strangle you myself…


6. Thou Shalt not tell your friends where you work

As a college student your friends are likely to be bat shit crazy. Enough said.


7. Thou Shalt not fulfil stupid desires

You know what I mean. Yes, it may seem hilarious to cover your manager’s car in cling film and laugh your arse off when you watch them trying to get into the car later. You also can’t stick security tags onto customer’s like a game of buckaroo, ride around the aisle in trollies, have ‘lets-throw-random-stuff-at-each-other-until-one-of-us-gets-a-black-eye’ wars, bitching sessions, sneaky extra breaks and ‘LOL let’s make a trail of ketchup going all the way around the store to the sanitary aisle’ games because *takes a deep breath* CCTV is a *insert bad word here*


8. Thou must remember that thou is not a ninja

Yep, that sneaky customer just stole those sausages but per-lease, leave the kick ass, crime busting, Chuck Norris stuff to the manager. You don’t get paid enough to act like Sherlock Holmes.


9. Thou shalt not push the panic button just to see if it works

Yes, shops have panic buttons behind the tills like in movies in case of an armed robbery. But armed robberies are the ONLY reason they should be used for. Don’t just push it to see if it works. It does.



10. Keep the Sabbath day Holy

Don’t swear at the freaks who like to shop on Sunday; not even under your breath.

Yes they have stolen your pyjama day but they also have freakishly good hearing.



So, my underpaid, overworked minions, I am thy prophet of the Lord of Retail and thy Lord has spoken! So follow these rules or you won’t have a job for very long. Simples *squeaks*