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- Story Listed as: Fiction For Adults
- Theme: Love stories / Romance
- Subject: Survival / Healing / Renewal
- Published: 01/20/2014
The Healing Inside The Pain
Born 1959, F, from Clarkston, Georgia, United States.jpg)
Ramblings Of A Broken Heart
When The Life Light Goes Out And The Scene Fades To Black
The Healing Inside The Pain
The clock goes off at 5:00AM on Christmas morning. I lay on our bed without you, trying to build the strength to get up and face my first Christmas with you gone. I wanted to just pull the covers over my head and stay there inhaling the smell of you from the pillowcase that you last slept on. The one I haven't yet been able to bring myself to wash.
As I lay there with my eyes closed I see your face. I see that big happy smile you had, even when it was the first thing in the morning and I would be barely conscious enough to focus on breathing in and out. From the back of my mind comes the memory of you in the mornings. I remember how you'd swat me on my rump and say, "Alright, let's go girl, we're burning daylight." I smile thinking of you and muster the strength to get up and face the day and put my pain aside for your family.
The house is quiet for a while as I start to make Christmas breakfast and then the family hits the floor. Kids running around and grownups looking for fresh coffee. The house now filled with lots of chatter and joy.
Your mom, your sister, and your cousin Natalie, come into the kitchen to pitch in and help. The house is filled with warmth, love and life the way you always liked it to be.
Because they're here I get through the morning and the making of our Christmas dinner without you. Because they're here I can focus on something else besides the pain that is ripping my heart in to pieces.
A while later at the dinner table the joy of the day is in full bloom as multiple conversations are going on, people laughing, food being passed around, and then your baby nephew Jack spits up on your dad. Just like you, unflappable as always, Charlie says, "Hey, crap happening to you is how you know you're alive." Everyone laughs for a moment and then the room goes silent as you can almost see the thought in everyone's head as your dad's reference to life reminds everyone that you're gone. The silence is shattered by little Sarah as her baby brother Tommy poked her in the arm, "Mom! Make him stop!" The painful moment passes.
We finish dinner, watch football and enjoy all the craziness that always happens when the family gets together.
Around 7:00 PM, as we always have on Christmas day, we pull gifts from the tree and start opening them.
The tree is full of gifts for everyone from weeks ago because you, like always, made sure we had all the shopping completed on Black Friday so you would only have to deal with one day of shopping.
I look in the corner at the the box I wrapped and slipped under the tree for you. At the moment I was wrapping it a drunk driver was taking your life. Now, two and a half weeks later, there's a hole in my heart that I feel will never heal. My emotions get the best of me and I have to leave the room.
Your dad, followed me. Without me saying a word he put his arms around me and said, "Did I ever tell you that he fell in love with you from the moment he saw you?" I started to cry and he held onto me saying, "He told me he knew in that instance that he would marry you." I felt badly for crying on him, as just as I had lost my husband, he had lost his son. I wanted to step away and pull myself together, but all the strength I had mustered that morning was now leaving me. All the pain and emotion I had tried to bury for the sake of the family came rushing back to me like a giant wave sweeping me out to sea.
Your dad stepped back and looked at me with those same beautiful eyes you got from him. The pain was so great my body was literally shaking. Charlie held my face in his hands just as you always did. Looking at me he said, "I know how hard it was for you to have all of us come here and to try to go on as you think he would have wanted you to, but you don't have to be strong for us anymore. We're here for you. Scott always told me that he was a better man for having met and loved you. He told me if every material thing he had was lost, but he still had you, he would be okay. He told me after meeting you he didn't need anything else."
I collapsed to the floor, the pain of you being gone hurt so much my legs just gave way. Your father sat beside me with his arms around me. In the background I could hear the laughter and happiness of the family in the other room. The laughter and the pain. The joy and the complete heartache. It was like walking on a razors edge trying to keep everything in balance.
Your niece Kate came in and brought a little box that she held out to me. "Mommy says this is for you." As I held my hand up it was shaking so bad your dad took the little box for me. I wiped my face again and tried to pull it together. We sat there on the floor together your dad and I. You and Charlie are so much alike. Big strong, capable men who have the tender loving heart and caring of an angel.
Charlie said, "The card says it's from Scott." Just as I had tried to slip a gift under the tree for you, at some point you slipped one under the tree for me. Your dad asked if I wanted to open it now. I thought about it for a moment. Having your dad with me gave me the strength I needed. The strength I knew I might not have had alone.
I recognized your hand writing on a little tag on the box, "Don't tear the wrapping paper." With hands trembling I carefully removed the wrapping paper to find a note you had written to me on it. The note said, "This is just a symbol of the heart I gave you a long time ago. Without you nothing else makes sense." Once again my hands began shaking so bad your dad took the little box and opened it for me. Inside the box was a little golden locket. Engraved on the outside was, "My love". Inside it read, "You are my every moment of joy, my every waking happiness, my every heartbeat. Without you nothing is possible." The moment didn't seem real. How could someone with so much love, kindness, joy and life in them be gone? How could someone who cared more for everyone else than he did himself be gone? It didn't make sense. I wanted to scream to the top of my lungs that losing you just wasn't fair.
A moment later little Ryder, barely walking, toddled in, came over and sat on my lap. Just like you and all the men in your family he has those same warm beautiful loving eyes. He looked up at me, his little face covered with cookie crumbs. I couldn't help but smile. Your dad gave him a little tickle and he laughed out loud. I don't know if it was the stress of everything going on or I was just losing it completely, but I could swear I heard your voice whisper to me, "You're late". With all that was going on since you died I had forgotten about my period. I then remembered I was indeed late. I didn't say anything, but I pulled myself together and got off the floor. Your dad, Ryder and I rejoined the family as laugher and happiness filled the house.
A few days later, on New Year's Eve, when your dad offered me a glass of champagne just before midnight, I smiled and told him I couldn't. He looked at me puzzled for a moment then smiled and said, "Are you?" I nodded and smiled. He gave me one of those big hugs the way you always did and told me not to worry, that he and your mom would take care of us.
The pain and heartache of losing you still hurts more that words can say. And at times I still forget for a moment that you're not going to come bursting into the house with that big, warm happy smile that could light up the world. But knowing your baby is growing inside of me gives me a sense of peace that sustains me.
Just like your locket, there is another beautiful reminder of your love I can hold close to my heart forever.
Brandy Melissa Garrett
The Healing Inside The Pain(Brandy Garrett)
Ramblings Of A Broken Heart
When The Life Light Goes Out And The Scene Fades To Black
The Healing Inside The Pain
The clock goes off at 5:00AM on Christmas morning. I lay on our bed without you, trying to build the strength to get up and face my first Christmas with you gone. I wanted to just pull the covers over my head and stay there inhaling the smell of you from the pillowcase that you last slept on. The one I haven't yet been able to bring myself to wash.
As I lay there with my eyes closed I see your face. I see that big happy smile you had, even when it was the first thing in the morning and I would be barely conscious enough to focus on breathing in and out. From the back of my mind comes the memory of you in the mornings. I remember how you'd swat me on my rump and say, "Alright, let's go girl, we're burning daylight." I smile thinking of you and muster the strength to get up and face the day and put my pain aside for your family.
The house is quiet for a while as I start to make Christmas breakfast and then the family hits the floor. Kids running around and grownups looking for fresh coffee. The house now filled with lots of chatter and joy.
Your mom, your sister, and your cousin Natalie, come into the kitchen to pitch in and help. The house is filled with warmth, love and life the way you always liked it to be.
Because they're here I get through the morning and the making of our Christmas dinner without you. Because they're here I can focus on something else besides the pain that is ripping my heart in to pieces.
A while later at the dinner table the joy of the day is in full bloom as multiple conversations are going on, people laughing, food being passed around, and then your baby nephew Jack spits up on your dad. Just like you, unflappable as always, Charlie says, "Hey, crap happening to you is how you know you're alive." Everyone laughs for a moment and then the room goes silent as you can almost see the thought in everyone's head as your dad's reference to life reminds everyone that you're gone. The silence is shattered by little Sarah as her baby brother Tommy poked her in the arm, "Mom! Make him stop!" The painful moment passes.
We finish dinner, watch football and enjoy all the craziness that always happens when the family gets together.
Around 7:00 PM, as we always have on Christmas day, we pull gifts from the tree and start opening them.
The tree is full of gifts for everyone from weeks ago because you, like always, made sure we had all the shopping completed on Black Friday so you would only have to deal with one day of shopping.
I look in the corner at the the box I wrapped and slipped under the tree for you. At the moment I was wrapping it a drunk driver was taking your life. Now, two and a half weeks later, there's a hole in my heart that I feel will never heal. My emotions get the best of me and I have to leave the room.
Your dad, followed me. Without me saying a word he put his arms around me and said, "Did I ever tell you that he fell in love with you from the moment he saw you?" I started to cry and he held onto me saying, "He told me he knew in that instance that he would marry you." I felt badly for crying on him, as just as I had lost my husband, he had lost his son. I wanted to step away and pull myself together, but all the strength I had mustered that morning was now leaving me. All the pain and emotion I had tried to bury for the sake of the family came rushing back to me like a giant wave sweeping me out to sea.
Your dad stepped back and looked at me with those same beautiful eyes you got from him. The pain was so great my body was literally shaking. Charlie held my face in his hands just as you always did. Looking at me he said, "I know how hard it was for you to have all of us come here and to try to go on as you think he would have wanted you to, but you don't have to be strong for us anymore. We're here for you. Scott always told me that he was a better man for having met and loved you. He told me if every material thing he had was lost, but he still had you, he would be okay. He told me after meeting you he didn't need anything else."
I collapsed to the floor, the pain of you being gone hurt so much my legs just gave way. Your father sat beside me with his arms around me. In the background I could hear the laughter and happiness of the family in the other room. The laughter and the pain. The joy and the complete heartache. It was like walking on a razors edge trying to keep everything in balance.
Your niece Kate came in and brought a little box that she held out to me. "Mommy says this is for you." As I held my hand up it was shaking so bad your dad took the little box for me. I wiped my face again and tried to pull it together. We sat there on the floor together your dad and I. You and Charlie are so much alike. Big strong, capable men who have the tender loving heart and caring of an angel.
Charlie said, "The card says it's from Scott." Just as I had tried to slip a gift under the tree for you, at some point you slipped one under the tree for me. Your dad asked if I wanted to open it now. I thought about it for a moment. Having your dad with me gave me the strength I needed. The strength I knew I might not have had alone.
I recognized your hand writing on a little tag on the box, "Don't tear the wrapping paper." With hands trembling I carefully removed the wrapping paper to find a note you had written to me on it. The note said, "This is just a symbol of the heart I gave you a long time ago. Without you nothing else makes sense." Once again my hands began shaking so bad your dad took the little box and opened it for me. Inside the box was a little golden locket. Engraved on the outside was, "My love". Inside it read, "You are my every moment of joy, my every waking happiness, my every heartbeat. Without you nothing is possible." The moment didn't seem real. How could someone with so much love, kindness, joy and life in them be gone? How could someone who cared more for everyone else than he did himself be gone? It didn't make sense. I wanted to scream to the top of my lungs that losing you just wasn't fair.
A moment later little Ryder, barely walking, toddled in, came over and sat on my lap. Just like you and all the men in your family he has those same warm beautiful loving eyes. He looked up at me, his little face covered with cookie crumbs. I couldn't help but smile. Your dad gave him a little tickle and he laughed out loud. I don't know if it was the stress of everything going on or I was just losing it completely, but I could swear I heard your voice whisper to me, "You're late". With all that was going on since you died I had forgotten about my period. I then remembered I was indeed late. I didn't say anything, but I pulled myself together and got off the floor. Your dad, Ryder and I rejoined the family as laugher and happiness filled the house.
A few days later, on New Year's Eve, when your dad offered me a glass of champagne just before midnight, I smiled and told him I couldn't. He looked at me puzzled for a moment then smiled and said, "Are you?" I nodded and smiled. He gave me one of those big hugs the way you always did and told me not to worry, that he and your mom would take care of us.
The pain and heartache of losing you still hurts more that words can say. And at times I still forget for a moment that you're not going to come bursting into the house with that big, warm happy smile that could light up the world. But knowing your baby is growing inside of me gives me a sense of peace that sustains me.
Just like your locket, there is another beautiful reminder of your love I can hold close to my heart forever.
Brandy Melissa Garrett
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