Heaven and Hell

They say, “You enter the world crying when everyone rejoices. Make your life in such a way that when you die, you smile while the world cries.” I never took this seriously. For me, this was just a far-fetched impractical philosophy given by monks, with no what-is-called-a-fun-filled-life for themselves. I mean, how can someone smile before dying, knowing for sure that someone close to them, be it anyone, will cry over their death? Even terrorists have people who care for them, right? Every member of the family sheds tears, be it secretly or publicly, when someone leaves the earthly abode for Heaven or Hell. Little did I know that this so-called-philosophy was perhaps the only cent percent practical philosophy ever made.

But how would I have known then what happens after death? No book says that. Dante walked through hell and returned safe and sound to describe the architecture of the inferno. People have theories, some even claim to have been re-born after walking through death. Philosophers have their own stories, every religion preaches something different. Gosh, there’s so much variety that even Truth sometimes gets confused of its own identity.

When I died, exactly a year from today, I broke the promise I had made to you. I had cried. That too, right in front of you, lying in your arms. I knew not that I would see the day this early in my life. I never thought I would lose you to fate, I never knew our relationship would end with me backing out on you. And the thought of leaving you alone crushed my steel and tears flowed, right onto my cheeks and were wiped by your lips. That moment, I committed my life’s biggest mistake.

Now I regret not having listened to you. Now, I know why promises yield so much power, why feelings matter so much to the living. I regret having made you promise to love me and only me, forever, no matter what happened. You are a true person, you kept your promise, till date, and this pains me even more, now that I know the secrets of life-after-death; now that I know that people die, but their souls (yes, souls are real) survive, seeing upon the world they left behind; now that I know the connection between the soul and body; and now that I know souls do not have the power to change their feelings, that is, they remain forever, immortalized, in the exact same emotions as they were when they came into their own existence.

Yes, this is my fate (if I can still use the term) now. I have been following you throughout the past one year, watching every movement of yours, unable to wipe any of your tears, unable to touch and comfort you even once. As for my own feelings, I have gotten used to the pain on the side of my head, the massive concussion that caused my real death but I still feel the excruciating pain in the middle of my chest, the pain I felt when I realized moments before my eyes closed for what-I-then-knew-to-be-eternity. This pain never ceases to torture me with precisely the same intensity, not even when I see you smile or laugh at something funny in your side of the world, not when I see you hug that friend of yours after he makes you feel so special and wanted. My existence never gets adapted to bear this agony.

How bad I want you to break your promise and find someone fit for you, someone who loves you so much that I will become just a memory and you will move on, so that I do not have to feel guilty about your condition, so that I do not have to see you cry yourself to sleep every night and subsequently wake up in the morning screaming, “Someone call an ambulance. He is dying. Please somebody help me.”!! I know that nothing, and I mean nothing, will change my emotions. Even if you are happy, I will still be crying in this world, for eternity, as that’s what I am now destined to do. That’s something not in my control. But at least I will spare myself the agony of seeing you feel hurt too, probably worse than me.

I do not know how or when this will end, nor do I know when my soul will meet its final destination. In this world of mine, I can see other souls living their punishment. I see your grandfather in his wheelchair looking down upon your entire family, a no-reaction etched on his never-changing face. I see my uncle observe my family affairs, pain evident on his face (he had died in pain, due to some severe disease). I am not alone in that sense, but still, I am confined to my own, as I can’t talk to them nor can they talk to me. We are all idols, masked faces, immobile ‘things’, which can think but feel only what we are destined to feel.

In this past one year, I have learnt from my observation that we get what-I-know-as-salvation, only when everyone I cared for, have finished their existence. That means, I will have to watch you live. I will have to wait patiently and see you try surviving every day, in normal motion. The worst part of this- no one in my family is younger to you by age and so, if my observation is right, if you live your full life-span, however long it may be, the day you come to this world, the day we get re-united, even though it’s not a real re-union, will be the day I achieve salvation and leave this world. Look at the irony of it, people with a life, actually believe that death is the solution to their miseries. Who knows when they will realize that Heaven and Hell do exist! And everyone must survive both the experiences to complete the cycle. Life, as we call it, is the Heaven part. The Hell comes once we leave that Heaven in search of Heaven.

—Serene Enigma.
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