Once upon a time, in a far off universe, there existed another world in which the sky was purple, the ground was muddy with a yellowish touch to it, and the trees were made of lamps.
The town of Awkaka Zooka Lakka was a place that could be described in so many ways that I don’t know where to begin. The houses were made of money, which had no significance for the creatures which lived there. The population numbered only a hundred at this time, as some had left for the other planet called Monkey Banana Water Bottle Glitter Powder. Most of them lived out their entire lives in Awkaka Zooka Lakka, however, and these lives lasted exactly three hundred years.
In the middle of the town there were two strange-looking characters sitting under a huge tower, made of liquorice cables. The first one was small, with a head like a hamster and the body of a dog, part Alsatian part Chihuahua. The second one was covered in green slime, and had a moose-like head. These two odd-looking creatures were of course aliens, and they were bored out of their minds.
‘What shall we do?’ barked Farmville No You Send Me Dickens.
‘I haven’t got a clue, oh, wait, actually I do have an idea,’ said Buxton Stockings Moomin.
‘Hit me with it.’
‘We could torture the oldies by singing Baby Baby by Cream Beaver Conditioner.’
‘Nah, we did that the other day, have you already forgotten what happened?’
‘It wasn’t that bad,’ Buxton protested.
‘It ended up with us getting grounded for a hundred years, peeling potatoes with our tongues while we heard strange voices in your parents living room saying things like "You don’t trust me, Juan, I really thought you were the one," that was bad enough if you ask me,' said a puzzled Farmville.
‘I have heard that the alien humans in the other world call it ATV. My family actually bought it from Sell Things Here That You Have No Use For Any More, on Sway Bay.’ Buxton paused for a few seconds.
'Last night I heard my mother screaming ‘NO, don’t do it Becky, don’t go out with that rat!’ he mimicked with a shriek.
‘Parents are a weird lot,’ sighed Farmville.
‘Tell me about it.’
‘I promised mum to cry with her tonight when Becky finally realises that the rat is not the world famous Daniel Zzapidado Taco Craig.’ Buxton groaned.
All of a sudden a big flat object came flying through the air and fell with a bang on Buxton’s head.
‘What in the name of pinboard wine was that?’ said Farmville, looking up at the sky. It must have come through that black hole!’
He picked up the object and looked closely at it.
‘I have heard about these things at school when we had What are Humans, in Learning about Aliens. The master described them for us as a thing called apples. The human aliens like them because they are healthy and they eat one every day. Usually they are red or green and juicy, but this is metal.'
‘I'd like to try,’ said Buxton.
'No, I really think you shouldn’t,’ began Farmville, but before he could finish Buxton grabbed the object.
‘Come on, I want a bite’. He sank his teeth firmly into it and a terrible scream echoed again and again against the walls of the town.
‘Why didn’t you stop me, you idiot?’
Farmville did not reply. He put the object gently down on the ground with his tentacles, and lifted up the lid. All of a sudden there was a flash of light and a loud Pling!
‘Help, we are being attacked, get the water melons!’ screamed Buxton.
Farmville put his paws on his hips and rolled his eyes, although he couldn’t actually roll them too much because if he did they would fall out. They both stared down at it. Farmville bent down and pressed one of the strange looking things that looked like claws. With a whish and a whoosh the most extraordinary thing these two had ever seen popped up on the magic mirror.
‘What under the stars of the froggy fist dark chocolate planet is that, and what has happened to her face, she doesn’t look like a hamster?’ Buxton exclaimed.
‘I believe humans call it duck lips. Now watch this.’ Farmville pressed his lips together and grinned so hard that they went all the way to the back of his head. Buxton lost his balance and fell over, he was laughing so much. Giggling helplessly, he pulled a fresh and minty relaxation wipe out of his slime, smelt it, calmed down, and said:
‘Hasn’t the master taught you anything? We are supposed to live as our people always have done, not like them.’
He looked at Farmville Dickens who was trying to remove his lips from the back of his head.
‘And never ever parody a human. My mum is bad enough! Come on, let’s go to school. We're late.’
‘Hmmm’ grunted Farmville Dickens whose lips were still stuck.
Buxton looked at the thing which was still lying on the ground. It seemed to be a dangerous weapon that no amount of watermelons could defeat. He stroked his tentacles gently over the lid and left it where it was. Putting Farmville Dickens paw around his waist he started dragging him forcibly along the road.
‘I know something that will cheer you up.’
Farmville looked at him mournfully.
Buxton started whispering: ‘Baby baby...’
‘Stop it!‘ squawked Farmville, whose lips were finally returning to normal.
‘Love you too,’ said Buxton happily.
They walked into the quiet and deserted school hall.
'Just wait a second,' barked Farmville. I've forgotten my text book, Fifty Ways To Kill A Snail With An Arriva Train.'
'Well, hurry up and get it then.'
Farmville snapped his paws and vanished in a cloud of smoke. Two seconds later he was back.
'I wish you would stop doing that.’
‘Teleportation, it creeps me out.’
‘You're just jealous because I can teleport and you can’t.’
All of a sudden a strange tune echoed through the hall, the sound of Would you like blueberries with that? by Britney Opppa Lompa Sandwich.
‘Oh my God they know we are out here, we must get to class!’
As they came crashing through the door of the classroom, Farmville gasped:
'We are so sorry Miss we lost our way.'
Mrs Bird Cupboard Printer looked questioningly at them.
‘Sure you did,’ smirked Billy Get Your Receipt Here.
'Be quiet Billy. Is it really true that you got lost, boys?
‘Oh, yes completely and utterly lost.’
'You got lost walking to the same school you have attended for the past fifty years?'
Farmville and Buxton looked at the floor.
'We swear it’s the truth,' said Buxton. 'Honestly, we even asked for directions, and no one would help us.'
‘I will have to give you both detention, this afternoon.’
‘But Miss...?’ Farmville whined.
'Where were we, oh yes, chapter ten on how humans defeated the mosquito by playing Be my Bumble Bee for Free, by Winnie Give Me Your Vodka Pooh for them. Later we’ll have a test on the magic of the human alien Hitler's moustache.
‘Guys,' someone whispered hoarsely.
Farmville and Buxton turned round and saw Billy grinning from ear to ear. As he had ten mouths it was hard to know which one to concentrate on.
‘I have a plan.'
‘You always have a plan, Billy.’
‘I have the perfect idea for how we can get rid of Mrs Cupboard Printer.’
‘What are you whispering about?’ asked the lady in question.
‘Just saying how glad we are to have you as a relief teacher Miss.’
'Well, thank you, Billy.' She said drily. 'Now continue with your work. I am going to get myself a cup of hot horse radish Fanta. I trust you to behave yourselves,' she said, looking especially hard at Billy. 'I will be back in ten minutes.'
The whole class could hear Mrs Cupboard Printer roller-blading down the corridor with a scate on each tentacle.
'You guys will have to help me.'
'Help you with what?'
Billy held a small container in his hand. This, of course. It will make her foam at the mouth and see things that aren't there within seconds, and she will be out of this class forever!'
Mrs Bird Cupboard Printer came back into the room, put her mug on her desk, and sat down.
'Well, look here.' She picked up a card which was lying on her desk and read out loud:
'To our Mutant Friend. Why, thank you, class!'
She opened the card and Congratulations by Cliff Blue Stick started playing, while green smoke wafted out of the card. The class erupted in laughter. This stopped suddenly when Mrs Cupboard Printer started screaming in agony.
'Shampoo! I need shampoo! No I don’t, I need something stronger, I need...'
She held her elbow over her chest. A small girl with six heads and arms that looked like coca cola cans came up to her.
'What do you need?'
Mrs Bird Cupboard Printer started rolling around on the floor.
The little girl hurriedly grabbed a tube of toothpaste and squirted a little into Mrs Cupboard Printer's mouth. The teacher got to her tentacles, wobbled over to her chair and sat down. Billy was grinning at her. She tried to ignore him. That was the most important lesson she had learned at the Piggy Bank Junk Cable School for Education: either you ignore them or you threaten to throw them out of the window, and then get sued by their parents. Farmville, Buxton and Billy Get Your Receipt Here looked up at her.
'Billy and the rest of you, please open your books at chapter ten in Why Humans Have Thrown Themselves off Bridges after eating at Lip Licking.'
'I don't think we should read that chapter, Miss,' smirked Billy.
‘And why is that?' said Mrs Cupboard Printer, trying to force a smile.
'Because last week Mr Pilot Inspector made us read that chapter. Someone said something to him about Lip Licking being closed down and he jumped on his desk while singing Postman Pat, Postman Pat and his bloody white cat. It was out of this world, Miss! He made such a noise that the headmaster came running in and lifted him off the desk. The Headmaster was terrified, Miss. He yelled that it was an emergency and we must call the Mouse Brigade! In the meantime Mr Pilot Inspector was still lying there screaming that Postman Pat was a sociopath.’
'Yes Billy, that's enough.'
'Miss?' The girl who had helped Mrs Bird Cupboard Printer earlier raised her hand.
'Some parts of Billy's story are true. Mr Pilot Inspector did sing that song about Postman Pat.'
'Go on, sorry, what is your name?'
'It's Jug of Water up in the Rebecca Black.'
'That's a lovely name. Please continue, Jug of Water.'
'This is what really happened.'
'Don’t you dare,' snarled Billy.
'Be quiet, Billy. Please continue, Jug of Water.'
'Our teacher was doing his usual crossword in the Bob the Builder magazine, while we were that chapter. He had been working on the same crossword for the last twenty-two years. All of a sudden he screamed "I have finished it, after all these years I have found the solution! It is YES WE CAN! I'll win a helmet! This is the happiest day of my life!" That was when he started singing the song about Postman Pat. That was when the mice came in and put him in one of those straitjackets and carted him away.
‘Why, if he was happy?' asked Mrs Cupboard Printer.
'Because someone poured his blueberry and horseradish drink all over the crossword.' Jug of Water looked at Billy.
'Let's hope the same thing doesn't happen to you,' smirked Billy.
All of a sudden the school bell rang.
'Well, class, it has been wonderful to teach you for these past two days, but another relief teacher will come tomorrow.
'Are you leaving already Miss?' asked Billy.
'Yes I am, and I want to introduce you to your new relief teacher, Mr Rocky Fistpumping. Come in, Mr Fistpumping! You may be acquainted with him already, Billy, since he's your uncle.'
NO! screamed Billy, while Farmville and Buxton sat there grinning to each other and Rocky Fistpumping pumped his fists together merrily and beamed at them.