You Only Fail When You Give Up(Miranda Langford) I always felt like I could do something that could change the world. My journey living life inspired me to write poetry, it was a way I could shut out the world and throw all my worry threw a pen. But threw all my struggles I have never been happier. I can smile threw tears and look on the positive side of everything because honestly it could be a lot worst.

Growing up with my mother I never really understood a lot of things that happened. My mother and father split up before I could remember. I have a few memories of when I was younger but none that made any sense; needless to say they weren't the best memories. Like I remember my mother was dating this one guy, it's the only "father" I really knew, I remember him giving us discipline and teaching us respect, well trying anyway. I'm the second youngest of six, there was my sister who was younger than me and I had an older brother who was more like a younger brother. Then there was three older brothers but they we pretty much adults when I was growing up. We lived in many different places; I went to many different schools. I remember my mother and step dad always fighting, it was mostly about drugs and money. There's this one memory I have of my brother putting grass in a Ziploc Baggie and acting like he was selling it to me. I want to say I was like six then, making him eight. I told you most of my memories really didn't make any sense. I now know a few things, now that I'm grown that weren't very childlike of us. We lived very poor, especially when my step dad left us. I remember mom making us carry jugs to the neighbors to borrow water to flush the toilet and use to cook with. There was even an extension cord running from a neighbor’s house to our house so we could have electricity. I didn't have the best clothes or the best toys. Kids at school weren't my friends I was made fun of for the way I looked but I was a happy child I didn't let too much get to me, well in front of people. One Christmas I remember asking my mom why I didn't get the four wheeler the little boy got down the road. I knew I was a good kid and that boy was always mean to me and I never understood why Santa brought that bad boy a four wheeler when got a small Barbie and an orange. He didn't deserve it. As I grew older I seen this over and over again, people getting stuff they never deserved and the worst is they never appreciate it. Still to this day I see people not appreciating what they have. I use to pray to God and tell him that I will be thankful for what he gave me no matter what.
There are a lot of things I still can't understand why it happened or why some people think that it was ok to do. I'd blame myself a lot of times about the things that would happen but I now know it wasn't my fault. I was sexually molested when I was ten years old; it went on for a year and a half by someone that was very close to me. I was very scared to tell anyone even when it was happening to my sister. She came forward but I just denied it ever happening. It's like I blocked it out of my mind. But even though that happened to me I still stayed happy. I knew God was watching over me. We were taken from my mother because of what happened to my sister, which helped me out in all situations and I was sad and happy all at the same time. I never been without my mom but I knew it had to be a lot better place then what I was given. I was then placed with my oldest brother, his wife, and two kids. I stayed with them for two years. I wouldn't say it was the best place but I been threw worse. I learned a lot while I was there and I made friends, something I never really had and my relationship with God strengthen while I was there.
I finally visited my mother the very end of my freshman year and decided to go live with her again. I felt my sister needed me and I was also tired of being a maid and a live in babysitter for my brother and his wife. I then lost all connections with my friends and brother because he thought I was making a big mistake by moving back with my mother. I wouldn't say it was a mistake but I will say I went through it all but I can assure you I wouldn't change it now. I was introduced to boys, drugs, and alcohol I was no longer innocent or interested in my education. I was more interested in fitting in with the "cool" kids. It wasn't long after that until my whole life would change forever.
I met this boy who I known from junior high when I still lived with my mother. He was considered a "cool" kid and I had a crush on him. We started dated and had unprotected sex just a few times and I ended up pregnant with my oldest son. I knew this wasn't the way I wanted my life to be. I didn't want to be pregnant at fifteen but there was no way I was going to give up something God was giving me because I have always went through life knowing everything happens for a reason. I tried to do the right thing by staying with the guy that got me pregnant but he wasn't the man that I expected him to be. He was young just like me and he had problems with his anger. I first learned about this when I was six months pregnant with our child and he put his hands on me. That was the first of many times he did this. I tried telling somebody but it was like everybody was blinded to the fact that it was happening. It was my sister that had finally realized how real it was, when he nearly choked her to death one day when she got mad at our mother and he just attacked her. That was the first for everything. I punched him for attacking her because he was no longer hurting just me now he was hurting the people I loved. I had to get out. I tried many was to get out of the situation I was in.
My son was eight months old until I figured a way out which got me and my son in the states custody. I found hope, love, and security when I first was placed in a children's shelter but it was temporary. I loved it there but then I was ripped away from happiness and placed in what seemed like hell, looking back it was just not what I wanted or not what I planned but as I said before God was the one in control. I only stayed in that place with my son, making the best of things for a few months until I requested to go back to the children shelter, which was granted. My child and I spent the best months there at the shelter with people who loved and cared for us like their own. I would want to say everything was fine and dandy when I aged out of the system but then that wouldn't be the truth.
I started trying to date boys again my first year of college as I went to my first year of college. My foster parents got me a reliable older vehicle to get me around which I was very grateful for. I held two jobs, went to school, and took care of my son all by myself. A few months pass and I started dating this guy who I thought was a great guy to be with. Ended up he wasn't who I thought he was. I usually worked during the week I was off the weekends. I'd pick up my boyfriend and he'd come stay with me for the weekend. One weekend I was called in to work just a few hours and I asked my boyfriend if he could watch my son until I got off. I thought nothing was wrong until the next day when I realized he had hurt my child. He chose to take frustration out on my child and I couldn't understand why a person could do this to someone so innocent so young. I neglected to tell the authorities, I thought I'd just handle it myself which I did. I never saw that man again. I threatened if he ever came near me or my son again that would be the end of his life and I thought that was going to be the end of it. But to my surprise it wasn't.
Later that week the day care called questioning me about the marks that was left on my baby boy. Shortly after, CPS thought it was best that my son was placed in their custody because to them I was unfit to be his mom at that time. I was devastated. He was my life and if I had lost him all that hard work was for nothing all because I trusted someone I thought was trustable. That night I was so angry at God and myself. I wrote a suicide note to my son and my family and I then hung myself with a coat hanger in the bathroom and jumped. I did not succeed and felt so dumb afterwards. The coat hanger broke in half and I thanked God that it did. The next few months I made a plan to get my son back regardless of the things I had to do, I was going to save up enough money to fight to get him back.
Within doing this I met yet another man, who seemed like the right pick at the time. We were off and on for a few years. During that time I got pregnant with my youngest son. After my youngest was born I finally got my oldest son back. It was the first of many accomplishments I felt I have made in my life. My youngest son’s father and I split up and two weeks later found out I was pregnant yet again. Lord knew I couldn't handle or afford another child but I wasn't going to give up just yet.
About five months into the pregnancy, I was sent to the hospital because I started spotting. Later that day I was told my little girl was no longer alive. They performed a surgery called a D and C. This time I didn't get angry with God, I just prayed to him and let him lead my life. I continued working and saving money getting me back on my feet.
My journey is yet to be finished and I may have a few more rough patches left to be solved but for now I'm going to be the best mom to my amazing sons that God has blessed me with, and just let God handle the rest. I hope my story has inspired you, as it has me by living it.

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