abandonment(tasneem) The first time I saw him my heart stopped, no scratch that, my whole body stopped, my insides began to fail, it wasn't the usual flirty attraction I always have with strangers, being the good looking girl that I am. It was painful; it actually hurt me to look at him.

That was strange, I thought to myself. But nonetheless, I carried on gyming. Besides I wasn't at the gym to look at boys, I was there to workout and lose weight. I still had 30 kgs to lose before I was at my goal weight. Shit that was a lot, but at least I wasn't 100kgs anymore, that fat, obese, sad girl who had never had a boyfriend. In fact, to this day I have never had a boyfriend, well because of what happened...if only he hadn't done what he did, we could have been together today. I hate him so much for being so selfish, but at the same time, how could I hate him when I knew I would never see him ever again? Well maybe ONE day, if you believe in that shit...

I noticed he looked at me too, and if I didn't know any better I would have sworn that he felt what I felt because I couldn't shake this strange feeling that there was suddenly a very strong tension between us, and that he was watching me gym...but why the hell would he be watching me gym, ha-ha I probably looked so sweaty and disgusting in my gym clothes, with my hair tied up and sweating like a pig. But he was, and if only I had known that, I would have spoken to him, and well I could have prevented...no f**k stop it! there’s no way you could have changed his path, that's what he chose for himself, he wasn't your responsibility...I tried to soothe myself with these thoughts, but I knew I was lying to myself...he WAS my responsibility, in fact, the only reason I was even put on this earth was to love him, and help him, to save him...

I didn't see him again for a few days, and there he was again, looking adorable in his yellow t-shirt and skinny toothpick legs which I would come to really like over the next few weeks. Weird, considering I have a huge visual attraction to big, juicy thighs. But then it started, something really weird started happening. we started getting nervous around each other and purposefully trying not to catch the others eye... this was so f**king electric and I loved every minute of it, he really gave me the motivation to carry on exercising. ha-ha, now come to think of it he’s the only reason I lost all my weight. Ironic really, that the person who motivated me to be the best I could be, didn't even know he was doing it, and not only that, he wasn’t in my life to even appreciate it. F**k I still love him...

What the hell, I thought to myself as I walked into the gym. I saw him sitting by a table in a yellow top that had the words "personal trainer' written across it. oh shit he was a personal trainer and would be there everyday. Why had I never seen him before? I mean I WAS there every day. Maybe he was just starting out, he did look pretty young. Alright, this was damn exciting!! At least I would get to see him every day. But turns out that, that fact would only cause us both more harm than good...

In the days following that, he would walk past me unnecessarily, try and get my attention by acting cool. It was cute, so cute. The amount of times I caught him staring at me would actually make anyone laugh out of embarrassment for him. And I could see that every time I caught him he felt stupid, but that didn't stop him from doing it all over again. It was as if he was a junkie, and I was his drug of choice.

I saw his picture up on the wall, along with all the other personal trainers anyone needing motivation and expertise could choose from. Jacques was his name...aaawww what a cute name, I could eat him, haha an Afrikaans boy, just perfect for me. I could see us together forever, me and Jacques living together and dying together...well it turns out that I wouldn't get either...

over the course of the following months I started to love him, and everybody told me I was crazy, that he didn't even know I existed, but I knew what I felt and I knew all of them were wrong. I knew that I loved this beautiful boy. This flawless boy that I had never so much as even spoken to. I wondered if I ever would...

And then I saw him crying. Not just crying, but tears streaming down his face like a water fountain. "I f**king hate you dad, this is all your fault you know, I will never forgive you, if anything happens to him I will never forgive you dad'. There was more crying and then 'which hospital are you at?', 'im on my way', and then he turned towards his car and saw me staring at him. Staring at his beautiful face soaked in tears, staring at his eyes, his weak vulnerable eyes. And I realised that nothing else that had happened between us up until now mattered. I needed to help him, at least try. But as soon as he noticed me he turned and ran to his car without so much as looking back at me. My mouth still open from wanting to say something to him. How could he have just rejected me like that? It hurt so badly. What the f**k was wrong with me, here he was obviously extremely distraught and I was only thinking about myself. It was probably this exact selfishness that led him to do what I hate him so much for doing.

That whole night I could not sleep. I lay awake all night thinking about him, thinking about what could have possibly happened. Who was hurt? And would they be alright? I couldn’t stand the thought of Jacques being sad, because just the thought of him being sad, made me sad. All I wanted to do was hold him and kiss him. I just wanted to make him feel better. But how the f**k could I do that when he wouldn’t even let me ask him what was wrong. I could feel myself getting angry again. Angry at him for just running off, I mean it couldn’t have been that urgent that he couldn’t spare a second to speak to me. But there I go being selfish again. Why was I like this? Why did I want him all to myself, I didn’t even want him to spend a second with anyone else, I just wanted to be with him every second of every day…

The next day I went to the gym eagerly awaiting an encounter with him. I would definitely go up to him this time, no matter how fast he ran, he WOULD speak to me, I would force him to. But he wasn’t there that day, nor was he there any other day for the next 2 months. Those 2 months were the loneliest I had ever been in my entire life. I had never in my life felt so abandoned, so alone, so depressed. A few times I even wanted to commit suicide. I know that sounds drastic, but at the time I couldn’t see any other way out of that emotional world. Those overwhelming feelings I had all the time, not seing him at least once a day. What was the point of even waking up in the morning? There was none, and my soul began to realise that.

I decided that I was going to enquire at the virgin active for his number, pretend that I was looking for a trainer. They would have to give me some information so that I could contact him. As I walked into the gym nervous about my resolution, I saw him. There he was, at the same table I saw him the first time I realised he was a trainer. Only this time he looked different. Not physically different. But sadder…something in his eyes made him look soulless, as if he was on the verge of crying. But he wasn’t, he was talking to someone, a client I assumed, about their future goals with regard to weight loss. And then he saw me too, he looked nervous and his voice actually started shaking. I realised that I was in love with his voice too. It was soft and girly, but sexy at the same time. It didn’t have the same high pitch it did when he was screaming at his dad that dreadful day. He looked away and continued speaking as if I wasn’t even there. I was so f**king pissed at him. How could he have just left me like that for 2 months? 2 whole f**king months, did he think I would have been able to live without him? Well I did I guess, but barely. What I was doing for the past 2 months would not have been considered living by anyone’s standards, i would say surviving at best. A hollow mess…

“Where the f**k have you been???" I screamed at him as I walked towards him. Both him and his client looked up at me in shock. "I asked you a f**king question Jacques answer me." He looked at his client and asked him if he could please give him a moment. He took my arm and pulled me away from the table, away from people. He said in a very low voice, "what are you talking about?" I told him not to play games with me and that he knew exactly what I was speaking about. I couldn’t believe that I was saying all this to him, that the first words I ever said to him amounted to a confrontation. What was more surprising was the fact that he didn’t seem too surprised at my tantrum, it was almost as if he had expected it, had been waiting for it. "You know what I’m talking about, how could you just disappear for 2 months without even telling me, without even a f**king word" I started crying. His grip on my arm got tighter ‘I can explain’ he said and looked at me with apologetic eyes. It was obvious that he didn’t like seeing me cry. None of this made any sense, neither of us had ever said a word to the other, and here we were fighting, fighting like lovers do. ‘No there’s nothing to explain, you hurt me okay, I was so hurt, you know.' ‘I know' he said, ‘I felt the same, but there was nothing I could have done okay, my brother died, it’s not as if I could have exactly came back to work the next day, and how exactly was I supposed to get a hold of you, I don’t even know your f**king name.' ‘Look I have 5 minutes with my client and then I will come and speak to you okay.' ‘No' I screamed, 'I want nothing to do with you’. We both knew I didn’t mean it, but at that moment I wanted to hurt him, like he hurt me. ‘I’m getting married next week, and I don’t want you to speak to me ever again, in fact, you should have died in your brothers’ place’. What the f**k did I just say? At that moment his grip on my arm completely loosened and he looked at me with the angriest look I had ever seen in my life. Immediately I regretted what I said, but it was too late, what was said, was said. He stormed off back to the table, didn’t even say anything to his client. He just picked up his bag and stormed out of the gym. He looked at me with hate and sadness, and right then I wanted to die. The irony of that thought would become apparent later on that evening. Shit what was I going to do now? Okay just calm down, I would see him tomorrow and we would sort everything out and it would all be okay. Yes perfect, that is what I would do. He would forgive me, he had to. I mean, if he really loved me the way I loved him, then he would forgive me for what I had said. I don’t know why the hell I would tell him I’m getting married, that was so stupid of me. There is nobody else in this world who I would even consider marrying besides him. He was the only thing that even meant anything to me. His brother just died for f**ks sake; imagine the pain he was going through. The emotional turmoil. And I just worried about why he had left me. I’m not sure who was more f**ked up at that point, me or him.

I couldn’t wait for tomorrow, I had to sort this out now. I had to find out what he wanted to say to me, what he wanted to explain. Maybe he would tell me that he loved me too. I went to reception and asked them for his details. I got his number easily and phoned. It just rang and rang. Why the f**k wasn’t he answering. I felt myself getting angry once again, but this time it was at myself because I knew that all of this could have been prevented if I had just given him a chance to speak. I saw one of his friends who he trained with every day when he wasn’t busy with clients. I decided that desperate times called for desperate measures. If I truly loved him the way I knew I did, I would do anything to fix things. I went up to this guy and introduced myself. ‘This is kind of an emergency, you see if he doesn’t get this information by tonight he could lose a lot of money’. Thinking back, that was such a stupid excuse, but I guess his friend was even more stupid for believing it. ‘Alright, I’ll take you to his house then’ his friend agreed. I was so happy I could have screamed from joy, but I didn’t, I kept the happiness for when I got to Jacques house and got to hold him and kiss him and FINALLY f**king be with him as I had so desperately wanted to do for the last few months of my otherwise meaningless life. The feelings were overwhelming me now, so much so that I started to cry again. His friend, Jerry, asked me what was wrong, but I just lied and said I had a massive toothache. Again, he bought it. It took us 5 minutes to get to Jacques house, but it felt like 5 hours. I had to constantly remind myself to breathe.

Then we got there…we pulled up into the driveway and I jumped out of the car and started slamming on the front door. I heard screaming and shouting coming from inside the house. What the hell was going on? I turned the knob and the door was open. I don’t know what possessed me to just run into a complete stranger’s house, but I did it anyway. Besides, he might have been a stranger, but he was a stranger I was in love with and would have DIED for…I wondered if he would have died for me. Fate answered my question a second later. I followed the screams and found two middle aged people holding a dead body. The man shaking the lifeless, stiff body. The body that was Jacques. What had happened! I saw a rope around his neck, a chair to the left, and a piece of rope still dangling from the roof. What the f**k did you do Jacques; why the f**k did you do this!? They looked up at me and started screaming ‘call the ambulance hurry up’. But I couldn’t move, I couldn’t even breathe. I couldn’t even cry. I stared in horror, I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I ran over to Jacques and started giving him CPR. I lost track of what was going on around me. I didn’t care; I just wanted to bring him back to life. It wasn’t working, he was cold, I immediately realised he was long past the point of resuscitation. he was gone, he was dead. My Jacques, my love, my life. In one second he took both of ours away. Maybe I wasn’t so selfish after all; maybe HE was the selfish one. He was abandoning me again, only this time, it wouldn’t be for 2 months, it would be forever…

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