Red Waters

Red Waters(Chloe Anderson) I don’t really want to die.
I tell myself that it’s just a phase in my life.
It’s normal to be upset all the time at my age; I’m not depressed.
I try to convince myself that I’m no different to anyone else that everything will work out.
But however many people I manage to fool, I can’t fool everyone, I can’t fool myself.

I know I’m not normal; a normal person would have normal parents that are happily together or happily apart not ones that aren’t even together but are still fighting over everything.
They would have parents with jobs and a regular income not on the dole and having to sponge off drugs. They wouldn’t have to struggle to keep a smile on their face even when everything seems to be working out finally.

Someone normal wouldn’t have to wear a jumper and pants in 30-degree weather to hide their abundance of scars
A normal person wouldn’t have to pretend that they were content with life when all they want to do is end it all.

I’ve had these thoughts for a long time and I don’t know when they’ll stop or whether they ever will, so I guess I am telling you this now to get it off my chest. To make me feel that someone else knows what I’m going through before I fade completely into darkness.

My name is Ariana Burwood and this is my story.
The hairs on the back of my neck stand up, as I creep through the eerie hallway, I step lightly trying not to wake others in my haste to get down the hallway. I cringe as I hear a floorboard creek from beneath me and I look up and down the hallway expecting to see the vicious, beady eyes of my father staring out at me from around the corner seeing nothing I continue forward; aware of every sound I make.

The darkness envelops the house like an infectious disease; I shiver slightly my mind is focused on only one thing as I turn the corner into the small kitchen area.
The top drawer creaks as I slowly open it; I pull out the desired item, my long slender fingers trace the edge of the blade; tiny little beads of red blood drip from my index finger and I feel that familiar rush of adrenaline through my body, I stare at the silver blade for a couple of moments before making my way back through the hallway towards the bathroom.

I run the cold water in the bath, placing the knife on the bath side as I undress, stepping into the freezing water.
I observe old stories.
The pages my skin; the words my scars.
I read the chapter “bullies”, easily found on my wrists and arms, usually covered by bracelets, wristbands or long sleeves.
I then read through.
‘Parents’ found on my thighs and legs.
Finally I scan through the unfinished chapter
I pick up the sharp knife and begin to slice and destroy my own skin, the cold water becoming vividly red, my scarlet blood staining the white bathtub, there’s no specific place I’m cutting now I’m just slicing wherever there is room.
I sob uncontrollably etching the words ‘Rape’ into my thigh and then I slice through it again so the word is now illegible.
I start to see flashes of my father with every slice, blood seeping through my wounds; weeping just like my heart.

I bring the knife up to my neck and I slice it with one final sweep of the blade.
My vision completely fades into darkness; it is now a deathly sort of quiet, as I lay there breathless and spiritless.
The last thing I will ever see is a brief vision of those hungry evil green eyes of my father that scare me every night of my dreams.
My father will find me the next morning, he wont care though, he’ll act like he does but he won’t all that will matter is he doesn’t have to worry anymore all he has to do is act like he does.

No one will ever know exactly what he did to me but I know; I will always know, I will remember, whether or not I’m in a conscious shape or dead I will always remember what he did to me.
I may be gone now but my spirit survives to guard those in my position now.
I am everywhere, the ocean, the earth and the sky. I am the voice that will whisper in your ear.
Telling you it is okay, the voice to tell you that you don’t want to die; so you don’t have to lie to yourself.
I will be what I never had.
I will be your guardian angel.