Life is For the Living

Life is For the Living(Jeff) It was almost two-and-a-half years ago - December 16, 2011 to be exact.

My wife had recently taken a part-time job at a department store to earn a little extra Christmas cash. She was driving home from her job at about 10:30 that Friday night when she was struck head-on by a drunk driver - a man who had just left an office Christmas party. They were both killed instantly. I was forty years old and found myself a widower (God I hate that word!) with two children – a twelve year-old son and a ten year-old daughter. I felt that the world and the future were stolen from me and my children in an instant. Life as I knew it was over.

Suzie and I were high school sweethearts who had been married for almost fifteen years before she was taken from me by an arrogant, selfish drunk. I knew the man. Our families belonged to the same church so we were acquainted; but we did not run in the same social circles. His wife, Lisa, was a rather demure but very classy lady, where he was loud and brash. Paul was a very successful but not-so-respected businessman in town. He had lots of money but few friends. Lisa was a stay-at-home mom raising their two children. I always saw her as his trophy wife. She was stunningly beautiful and he was, well, rather fat and sloppy…unkempt, if you will.

Both funerals were held at our church…his on Tuesday morning and Suzie’s on Wednesday afternoon. As I walked out of the church, following her casket and holding my children’s hands, I noticed Lisa sitting in the back pew. Our tear-filled eyes met and she slowly shook her head side-to-side. I turned my head away. I couldn't believe it. What the hell was she doing here? Have these people not inflicted enough pain on my family?

Needless to say, that was not a very joyous Christmas. Fortunately, my brother and sister-in-law stayed in my home along with their children and kept some semblance of order and normalcy for all of us.

About a week after the funeral, I received a card in the mail, one of several actually. The Christmas cards had turned into sympathy and condolence cards. This particular one was from Lisa. I didn't realize that until I had opened it or I would have thrown it into the fireplace. Once I started reading, though, I couldn't put it down. She was so sorry and so apologetic. She wrote so many nice things about Suzie. She acknowledged the pain I was feeling. She apologized for her presence at the church if it had offended me, but she wanted to pay her last respects to Suzie. She said nothing about her loss or her children’s loss. I realized it was time for me to turn some of that anger back onto myself. This woman lost as much if not more than I, yet she was offering sympathy and understanding. At that moment, I knew I was witness to a definitive example of “class.”

I chose to follow-up with a card of my own. I thanked her for her kind words and thoughts. I thanked her for being at the funeral and apologized for not being at Paul’s. I inquired about her children. I asked how she was doing…how she was coping. I asked if she needed anything or if there was anything I could do for her. After mailing the card, I felt guilty. Why did I do that? Hopefully, that would be the end of it. A week later I received a card from her thanking me for my kind words and thoughts. Short and sweet.

Life went on. The children and I established and settled into new routines. My brother and his wife helped tremendously. Never take family for granted. They are the ones who will always be there when you need them most. As time passed, I began to reach that “acceptance” level on the grief pyramid. Spring was here and Easter was approaching; a good time to be reborn should one wish to draw a parallel.

Suzie had always made a big deal over Easter. She would prepare big baskets full of goodies for the children and I was determined to carry on that tradition. I was at the Wal-Mart buying candy and goodies and new toothbrushes. (Suzie always included a toothbrush in Christmas stockings and Easter baskets and would tell the kids that if they didn't use them, she would take their candy away.) As I was thinking about the toothbrushes, I realized that I had not put one in their Christmas stockings so I silently apologized to Suzie and promised to never forget again. My eyes started to mist over and I heard someone say “Alex?”

For a brief instant, I thought it was Suzie. It was Lisa and she too was shopping for goodies for her kids’ Easter baskets. We exchanged pleasantries and each asked how the other was doing and how the children were doing. At that point, she broke down and began crying and saying “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, it’s all my fault.” I told her that it wasn't her fault, that she had nothing to do with it. She said that she was supposed to go with Paul to the office party but they had a fight and she decided to stay home. If she had gone, she would have been driving and the accident would have never happened.

I realized that we were creating a bit of a scene in the candy aisle of Wal-Mart so I asked her if she would like to grab a cup of coffee. We walked over to Starbucks and spent about an hour talking before we realized that we still needed to get the candy for the Easter baskets. When we returned to Wal-Mart, our carts were right where we had left them. (Gotta love those Wal-Mart Associates.) Before we parted again, we promised each other to call if one of us needed anything at all.

Okay, there’s the background; now fast forward several months. We did call each other. We met for coffee several times, we met for lunch and we met for dinner. We didn't tell people about our getting together, but we didn't try to keep it a secret either. I talked to my brother about it. His concern, like mine, was for the children. My sister-in-law was more vocal with her concerns, to the point of getting angry at me for “dating that woman.”

I didn't want to hurt my sister-in-law. She was a Godsend when I needed her most and I certainly didn't want to make it more difficult on the children. Lisa’s concerns were related more to the church congregation. “Can you imagine the talk if we were to start a serious relationship?” I wasn't worried about that because church never was my thing, but it was very troubling to Lisa.

So, what were we to do? We made each other happy and God knows there hadn't been much happiness in either of our lives for quite some time. We were comfortable with each other and we were a comfort to each other; but were we being blind to the realities of life? Were we jumping into something destined to cause more pain to those we loved most? Was I a fool for falling in love with the wife of the man who killed the mother of my children?

Time will tell…we were wed last Saturday, the day before Easter, 2014. Life is for the living.