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- Story Listed as: True Life For Adults
- Theme: Survival / Success
- Subject: Biography / Autobiography
- Published: 05/22/2014
The Pain That Led To The Fighter In Me
Born 1991, F, from Oceanside, CA, United StatesI guess I can start by saying my name is Jessica H. And I am 22 years old. Honestly I don’t know how a blog starts or what I am supposed to say. But I am here to share my experiences as a 22 year old who has seen enough bad things that I am okay with not seeing anything else again. I have in just the last 2 years been through a lot and the last 5 months have been even worse. In 2011 I was pregnant with a baby girl, I lost her at about 6 months pregnant. Her heart just stopped beating and she was stillborn. I had just moved to Iowa from California, away from my family and little friends that I did have to help my best friend with her grandparents.
So I went through that birth and death without family, I had my best friend and Drea. Drea stayed with me through that loss and we became inseparable, we were always together and we always had fun. Needless to say I lost my best friend over a relationship. It hurt but she said some pretty nasty things about my daughter and I figured if you can say stuff like that then you were never really a friend to begin with. It’s just kind of hard to believe that we were friends since 4th grade and there it was at 20 years old the friendship was over. I moved in with my girlfriend and that was about a month after we started dating, instantly I kicked it off with her family and it was all I ever wanted in a relationship. We got our own place at the end of December and by the next month we were already having problems. Drea cheated on me with her ex and a week later I found out, we got into a fist fight, I went up to her job, she called the police on me and I was arrested for trespassing. That is a petty misdemeanor and for anyone who believes a misdemeanor doesn’t mess up your chances for anything please think again. Any who, I begged and cried for her to come back and made lots of promises, like I was in the wrong and it was all my fault. She didn’t even help pay rent, and she left me carless.
A week later she came back saying she was not going to do it anymore and that she loved me and I am who she wanted to be with and she loved me. I took her back with no problems, but honestly are things ever the same when the one you trusted walks out on you and cheats on you with another person? In my opinion, NO, no they are never the same. For me it was constant worry and fear that it would happen again, I was so insecure and felt less than a person for her to just walk out and cheat on me. To prove her love to me and to each other she told me she wanted to get my name tattooed on her and wanted to marry me, we went ahead and got tattoos and then we even got married. That was the best day of my life taking vows with the woman I love. Everything was fine from there and then we started trying for a baby and were both really excited. Fast forward to may of 2013, on Mother’s Day I cried because I wanted so badly to be a mom and Drea bought me flowers and said happy Mother’s Day and I cried and said I’m not a mom and all in all it was just a horrible day. The next day I took a pregnancy test and saw two beautiful clear as day pink lines come up and I about lost it and I took more and more tests and they all came back positive. I went to the doctor the test came back positive, I was absolutely thrilled. And so was Drea. At almost 9 weeks pregnant I found out I was pregnant with twins and that was just the best shock of my life, I cried, I laughed, I sung, and I celebrated. From there on out I knew we were going to have the perfect family and everything was just falling into place. I had an amazing job making great money and Drea had a great job making good money.
We were ready for this journey together and we were about to just have the most exciting life. August 8th the day of Drea’s birthday we found out the gender as a surprise to her and we were having a boy and a girl! We screamed and cried and oh boy we were so happy. But a week or two after that we started arguing a lot and everything pissed me off or I bickered about or cried about and Drea actually tried breaking up with me a few times, I would cry even more. One day I said fine that’s okay you can leave, and she then hugged me and told me this family is what she wanted and she did not want to break up with me she was just stressed and going through a lot. I accepted it and we were fine until August 22nd, Drea had company and it was about 8pm and I asked her to ask her company to go home because I wasn’t feeling good and wanted to spend time with her. Her company left and she was so mad at me, she told me she didn’t want to spend time with me because we all could have spent time together and that she wanted to go to sleep. I left and drove and sat in walmart parking lot for about 30 minutes, came back home and went to the bathroom and that’s when I noticed something was wrong, I started crying and told her we had to go to the doctor, she said “no, go by yourself” I begged her to come with me. The car ride was long and awkward, I asked her how her day was going to get my mind off of what could be the worse thing to happen and she said ”you already asked me that today” I was shocked at how cold she was being.
Fast forward we got to the hospital I was examined and told my cervix was open and that there was no way to save my babies and since I was on 18w5d that there was no way they were going to survive. I had to be strong for the both of us and I kept it together and I accepted what was going to happen. The next day I was induced and at 2:21 I was having my son Alexander Nicholas Shearer and at 2:28 I had my daughter Aria Marie Shearer. Drea cut the umbilical cord for Alexander and I held my son and he was the most precious thing I have ever laid eyes on and Aria was given to Drea and she cried her eyes out and didn’t know what to do. Her family came to visit me and my mom was buying a plane ticket to come and see me. After my release we picked my mom up from the airport and went grocery shopping and then the next day we cooked a big dinner and bbq’d and her family came over and we were just enjoying each others company. 4 days after the loss of the babies Drea informed me that she was leaving me and no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me and moved out, took the car and all of her belongings. I cried my eyes out, I was hurting from 2 things now and felt like, what’s the purpose of living if i've lost the things that mattered to me the most.
I had a doctors check up not even two weeks later and I had lost 18 pounds due to not eating. Drea no longer cared for me and moved on to someone new. She filed for a divorce and a motion to speed up the process, she was so cold and heartless to me that I detached myself emotionally from everything. I tried to commit suicide, I cut myself, I hurt myself, I’ve done it all. and for some reason I am still standing. It’s days where I don’t even know where I got the strength or the courage to still keep moving and pushing. I have since then lost my job, placed restraining orders on Drea and her mom and have tried to move on. I have been working out, and I have met someone new, and I am trying to start a group for men and women going through hardships like this, for suicidal people who have been dealt nothing but bad hands and they are trying to make it out. I want to be an advocate for people of all ages and situations to say there is a purpose and while i'm still trying to find mine I know that we can all come together and do it together and love and support one another. Thank you for reading and I hope someone out there can reach out to me and help me on this journey, I would like to make it to be able to get my story heard nationally and talk to other people who are struggling with some of the same similarities as myself. If anyone could even just point me in the right direction I would really appreciate it. Thank you for your time.
The Pain That Led To The Fighter In Me(Jessica H.)
I guess I can start by saying my name is Jessica H. And I am 22 years old. Honestly I don’t know how a blog starts or what I am supposed to say. But I am here to share my experiences as a 22 year old who has seen enough bad things that I am okay with not seeing anything else again. I have in just the last 2 years been through a lot and the last 5 months have been even worse. In 2011 I was pregnant with a baby girl, I lost her at about 6 months pregnant. Her heart just stopped beating and she was stillborn. I had just moved to Iowa from California, away from my family and little friends that I did have to help my best friend with her grandparents.
So I went through that birth and death without family, I had my best friend and Drea. Drea stayed with me through that loss and we became inseparable, we were always together and we always had fun. Needless to say I lost my best friend over a relationship. It hurt but she said some pretty nasty things about my daughter and I figured if you can say stuff like that then you were never really a friend to begin with. It’s just kind of hard to believe that we were friends since 4th grade and there it was at 20 years old the friendship was over. I moved in with my girlfriend and that was about a month after we started dating, instantly I kicked it off with her family and it was all I ever wanted in a relationship. We got our own place at the end of December and by the next month we were already having problems. Drea cheated on me with her ex and a week later I found out, we got into a fist fight, I went up to her job, she called the police on me and I was arrested for trespassing. That is a petty misdemeanor and for anyone who believes a misdemeanor doesn’t mess up your chances for anything please think again. Any who, I begged and cried for her to come back and made lots of promises, like I was in the wrong and it was all my fault. She didn’t even help pay rent, and she left me carless.
A week later she came back saying she was not going to do it anymore and that she loved me and I am who she wanted to be with and she loved me. I took her back with no problems, but honestly are things ever the same when the one you trusted walks out on you and cheats on you with another person? In my opinion, NO, no they are never the same. For me it was constant worry and fear that it would happen again, I was so insecure and felt less than a person for her to just walk out and cheat on me. To prove her love to me and to each other she told me she wanted to get my name tattooed on her and wanted to marry me, we went ahead and got tattoos and then we even got married. That was the best day of my life taking vows with the woman I love. Everything was fine from there and then we started trying for a baby and were both really excited. Fast forward to may of 2013, on Mother’s Day I cried because I wanted so badly to be a mom and Drea bought me flowers and said happy Mother’s Day and I cried and said I’m not a mom and all in all it was just a horrible day. The next day I took a pregnancy test and saw two beautiful clear as day pink lines come up and I about lost it and I took more and more tests and they all came back positive. I went to the doctor the test came back positive, I was absolutely thrilled. And so was Drea. At almost 9 weeks pregnant I found out I was pregnant with twins and that was just the best shock of my life, I cried, I laughed, I sung, and I celebrated. From there on out I knew we were going to have the perfect family and everything was just falling into place. I had an amazing job making great money and Drea had a great job making good money.
We were ready for this journey together and we were about to just have the most exciting life. August 8th the day of Drea’s birthday we found out the gender as a surprise to her and we were having a boy and a girl! We screamed and cried and oh boy we were so happy. But a week or two after that we started arguing a lot and everything pissed me off or I bickered about or cried about and Drea actually tried breaking up with me a few times, I would cry even more. One day I said fine that’s okay you can leave, and she then hugged me and told me this family is what she wanted and she did not want to break up with me she was just stressed and going through a lot. I accepted it and we were fine until August 22nd, Drea had company and it was about 8pm and I asked her to ask her company to go home because I wasn’t feeling good and wanted to spend time with her. Her company left and she was so mad at me, she told me she didn’t want to spend time with me because we all could have spent time together and that she wanted to go to sleep. I left and drove and sat in walmart parking lot for about 30 minutes, came back home and went to the bathroom and that’s when I noticed something was wrong, I started crying and told her we had to go to the doctor, she said “no, go by yourself” I begged her to come with me. The car ride was long and awkward, I asked her how her day was going to get my mind off of what could be the worse thing to happen and she said ”you already asked me that today” I was shocked at how cold she was being.
Fast forward we got to the hospital I was examined and told my cervix was open and that there was no way to save my babies and since I was on 18w5d that there was no way they were going to survive. I had to be strong for the both of us and I kept it together and I accepted what was going to happen. The next day I was induced and at 2:21 I was having my son Alexander Nicholas Shearer and at 2:28 I had my daughter Aria Marie Shearer. Drea cut the umbilical cord for Alexander and I held my son and he was the most precious thing I have ever laid eyes on and Aria was given to Drea and she cried her eyes out and didn’t know what to do. Her family came to visit me and my mom was buying a plane ticket to come and see me. After my release we picked my mom up from the airport and went grocery shopping and then the next day we cooked a big dinner and bbq’d and her family came over and we were just enjoying each others company. 4 days after the loss of the babies Drea informed me that she was leaving me and no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me and moved out, took the car and all of her belongings. I cried my eyes out, I was hurting from 2 things now and felt like, what’s the purpose of living if i've lost the things that mattered to me the most.
I had a doctors check up not even two weeks later and I had lost 18 pounds due to not eating. Drea no longer cared for me and moved on to someone new. She filed for a divorce and a motion to speed up the process, she was so cold and heartless to me that I detached myself emotionally from everything. I tried to commit suicide, I cut myself, I hurt myself, I’ve done it all. and for some reason I am still standing. It’s days where I don’t even know where I got the strength or the courage to still keep moving and pushing. I have since then lost my job, placed restraining orders on Drea and her mom and have tried to move on. I have been working out, and I have met someone new, and I am trying to start a group for men and women going through hardships like this, for suicidal people who have been dealt nothing but bad hands and they are trying to make it out. I want to be an advocate for people of all ages and situations to say there is a purpose and while i'm still trying to find mine I know that we can all come together and do it together and love and support one another. Thank you for reading and I hope someone out there can reach out to me and help me on this journey, I would like to make it to be able to get my story heard nationally and talk to other people who are struggling with some of the same similarities as myself. If anyone could even just point me in the right direction I would really appreciate it. Thank you for your time.
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