Living the Death

Living the Death(Shah Aqs) I remember a lot of things.
The fact that I want to be a dead man right now. I feel like one. I have had friends. family. but I am no longer connected to them. to anyone.
I feel like I have lived my life. And I no longer feel the need to connect. numb.
Here sitting with a bunch of people. I am a dead man walking. I talk to people when I need them. People talk to me when they need me. Everyone is living his own battle. We see 1000 people. With 3000 faces. I am one of them. I lie to people on their faces. I feel awkward. I feel senseless. I am totally ruined. At first I thought survival is the only way. To smile and laugh. and participate in every aspect this world has to offer. Suffering and betrayal. And all this pain i have caused to myself. Endless struggle in which I have let myself in. This hide and seek of thoughts. I don’t know if all that was my fault. It was, mostly. I have always been bad at handling. And my intense emotions overpower my thinking ability. There by I let myself be ruined. But now I have come to that point in my life. Where I feel no more. It's not a pain that normal people suffer from. It's self created because I let people judge me all the time. But not anymore. I don’t think I can handle anyone now. with proper attention. I blame no one. But I am sure I am on the edge of going mad. madness with no escape.

After that. Either I will be absolutely okay.
Or absolutely mad.

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I will survive anyway.
But right now, I want to die.

I walk I talk. I eat. I sleep.
It's like a machine mechanism.
No light to run after. because I don’t want to.
Because I want to remain in darkness. The darkness of not knowing. the darkness of letting myself flow with time. not knowing where to go.
Because right now. I want to die.

The only hope is today.
I am living today.
To my past I can not change that.
Walking back never worked.
I am a mad man, but I can handle things. Except thoughts.
I feel like something has hit my head. so hard that I have lost everything.
Everything that was important.
Once.
I do not want to die. The only hope is today because tomorrow is wrapped in chocolate. and I love chocolates. From time to time.
I am living today.
Gathering scars. Failures and happiness most of all.

The madness of a child. Everywhere around me has killed me. I am living the death of a child.
I had dreams.
I have dreams.
But I am walking pointless. I don’t know if this dream will alive the real me. Or the death will continue?
Till when I have to hear the child screaming. And shouting. And yelling. And crying. For the open window. That was somewhere here.

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My dreams are not broken. But you can not trust a madman. Can you? I am sure I will find something someday. And become something someday. That day. That will be worth of my whole life. that day my wounds will heal. That day I will cry. And this child will die. I can not tolerate this little kid. I am working for a dream. That is not broken yet.

I will not let myself wander off. Unexplained. Unwanted. unforgiven.
My dream is all I have left.
I will explore. everything. Human beings. Thoughts. Books. All of Them

The only hope is today. With less darkness
I am living today.
With each day more scars. More cries. More wounds.