Meeting the Parents

Meeting the Parents(Dan Mordini) ***
Kelly’s 1997 Ford Taurus crunched its way through her parent’s gravel driveway slowly, coming to a rest in front of their sprawling home. She had brought boyfriends home before, but this was different. It was the first time she had felt love, true love, in its purest form. And she knew that after 2 years with Jonathon, meeting her parents was long overdue.

Jon sat in the passenger seat, clutching the door handle nervously. “Jonathon…” Kelly softly murmured, her voice trailing off. Jonathon’s eyes remained fixed on the garage door. “Yes?”

“They are going to love you. You take such good care of me, which is all Dad ever wanted,” Kelly said, squeezing his upper arm playfully.

“Then why have you waited so long to introduce us?” Jon snapped back, immediately regretting his tone of voice. A look of panic seized her face, and her eyes darted around like a fruit fly trapped in a Snapple bottle. “I’m not sure,” she replied, in a voice so soft that it made the Snuggle bear’s shit feel like limestone. Her mind drifted back to David. Tall, dark, average-looking David. He was a doctor; he was a volunteer fireman; he was a boy scout in the late 80’s. Kelly forced those thoughts out of her head. “Let’s go,” she said, while not yet pushing her door open.

“So, it has nothing to do with my affinity for Satan. Is that what you’re saying?” Jon responded defensively.

Kelly just sighed.

***

Robert Jackson peered out of his living room window. A million thoughts and emotions surged through him upon seeing Jonathon talking to his daughter in her car. “Mary Beth!” he called. “This one doesn’t look like a doctor.”

“How can you tell?” his wife yelled back from the foyer, where she was swapping a lamp’s old light bulbs into energy-saving ones.

“She drove,” screamed back Robert over the din of his I Love Lucy collector’s DVD blaring in the background. “When a doctor meets the parents, he drives. And he sure as shit doesn’t arrive in a Taurus!”

Mary Beth emerged from the foyer, with shattered glass protruding out of her shoulder blades. “Maybe he’s a surgeon?” she suggested, always the optimist.

Robert rubbed his temples slowly to numb the pain. “Yes, because surgeons are notorious Taurus riders. Why, you’d be hard pressed to find an open heart specialist who DOESN’T enjoy cruising in his vintage Taurus, cla…” He trailed off, his sentence stopping like a car on the edge of the Grand Canyon, but the car didn’t tip over. A car that was sort of perfectly balanced, one of those ‘everyone move to the backseat right now or we’re going over’ kind of moments. “Why the f*** do you have shards of glass sticking out of your back like a triceratops?” he asked, his voice matching his crestfallen expression.

Mary Beth sheepishly lowered her eyes. “The, um, light bulbs,” she muttered under her breath. “I don’t know when they got so complicated! There I was, expecting a beam of light to shine through as I gave it one last twist, and what happened? You guessed it- my glass of iced tea fell and glass shot everywhere like Beijing.”

Robert closed his eyes. He couldn’t rub his temples any harder, as he feared he would be directly rubbing bone at that point. “Beijing? What the sweet Christ are you talking about?”

“Language!” she snapped back. “And did you ever hear of World War II?” She proceeded to make a loud ‘whooshing’ sound and banged her two fists together to symbolize an explosion.

As he glared at his spouse, Robert’s mind raced with thoughts of what he kept in his storage shed. An axe, a shovel, a forged Canadian passport he had won as a gag gift at the office Christmas party, a piñata…. His plans were abruptly interrupted by the doorbell.

***
Jon shoved his hands deep inside of his pockets, rocking back and forth on the heels of his feet as he heard the doorbell chime reverberate throughout the house. In a near whisper, he began chanting- slow at first but the tempo gathering speed like a car that was headed towards the Grand Canyon at 72 miles per hour, but then slowed down and safely parallel parked in a nearby parking lot. “This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy…” His eyes shut, his hands clammy, he desperately began attempts to invoke his dark overlord, Satan. He never heard the door open.

When he opened his eyes, he found Kelly, Robert, and Mary Beth staring at him, mouths agape. “H..Hi there. I'm Jon, it’s so nice to meet y…”

“Were you invoking Satan just then?” Robert interrupted, his beady eyes combing every inch of Jon’s sweaty face.

“What? When?” Jon stammered, his heart racing. “Just now?”

“Yes, just now,” Robert replied coldly as his daughter watched in horror.

“No sir. I wasn’t, I’ve just been standing here.”

“So you weren’t summoning Satan?” Robert asked, incredulously. “Nope,” Jon replied in a shaky voice.

Robert, never one to let up, continued. “So, you weren’t just now. Glad to hear it. Does that mean that you’ve tried to make a spiritual connection with the devil in the past?”

“Not really,” Jon said. His mind was racing uncontrollably, with the feeling that everyone on that porch could see right through him.

“Not really?” Mary Beth asked, her expression changing from understanding to pure disbelief. “So, sort of?”

“Hey, we all experimented in college, right?” Jon laughed uncomfortably. He looked at Kelly for help, but her gaze was permanently locked on her childhood cat, now 19 years old, who was watching this unfold from the living room window.

“Good point,” replied Robert. “Did you do any other wild experimenting in medical school?”

“Robert!” exclaimed Mary Beth and Kelly at the same time.

“No, it’s ok,” Jon said reassuringly. “I didn’t actually go to medical school.”

“But you’re still a doctor, right?” Mary Beth asked hopefully.

“Can we continue this conversation inside?” Jon asked, smirking. “It’s quite chilly out here.”

Robert looked unimpressed. “How are you a doctor if you never went to medical school?” he asked Jon with a glare. “You are a doctor, right?”

Jon felt his stomach tighten into a knot. “Of course I am,” he lied, as Kelly’s expression turned to utter disbelief. She knew damn well that he was a food scientist, unlike David, whom her parents took an immediate liking to. She poked Jon in the ribs, and silently mouthed “what are you doing?”

Jon mouthed back, “Don’t worry, I got this. I know that they have high expectations for the man who cares for their beloved daughter. Specifically, they want to make sure that I can love and provide for you, in the hopes that we have an amazing life together. I would be the same way, and I would accept nothing less than perfection for my little girl.”

Not to be undone, Robert began silently mouthing to Mary Beth, to the confusion of the observant cat. “How long can this possibly go on for? Don’t they know that we can see them mouthing words, just as they can see us mouthing words? Even right now, as I mouth this?”

Mary Beth furrowed her brow and mouthed back “I didn’t get ice cream. You didn’t put it on the list.”

Robert clenched his jaw and turned his attention back to Jon, who was still mouthing to Kelly. “Jon. Medical school. How did a doctor not go to medical school?”

Jon sighed. “I was in an accelerated curriculum in college, and was awarded a medical degree in a very prestigious program for the gifted and talented.” Kelly lit a cigarette and sat on the ground, as she could not bear to watch the ensuing conversation.

“That’s impressive,” Robert replied, keeping a deadpan expression. “What was the name of this program?”

Jon racked his brain, his mind spinning out of control. “Have you ever heard of Doogie Howser?” he asked, praying internally to Satan that they hadn’t. The slap of Kelly’s palm against her forehead echoed down the driveway.

Robert removed his glasses and put them in his shirt pocket. “The fictional child prodigy doctor from a 90’s television show? Yes, I am aware of Doogie Howser.”

John felt faint. “Yes…well…it had nothing to do with that. I was just curious.”

The silence that followed was broken up by Mary Beth, who exclaimed, “Well, it’s nice to meet you, Jon!” She gave him a warm hug, the only kind she knew how to give. Jon felt a sense of relief, and hugged her back. Kelly noticed the tension fading, flicked her cigarette away, and stood up, beaming.

Jon recoiled almost instantly, shouting “Holy f****ing shit! What the f***?” His affinity for cursing creased a smile in a watchful Satan’s aged face.

“What? What??” screamed Kelly in a high-pitched, panicky tone. “What happened?”

Jon jerked his hands away from Mary Beth, his hands bloody with wounds. “I…I don’t know,” John stuttered.

Mary Beth laughed to herself. “Oh my,” she said, tears of laughter running down her cheeks. “I forgot all about those shards of glass in my shoulders. Are you ok?”

“Of course he’s ok,” Robert interjected. “He’s a doctor. I’m sure he can take care of this.” For the first time that night, Robert grinned and stifled his laughter. “What would Dougie Howser do, Jon?”

Jon, applying pressure to his cuts, angrily flashed his eyes up at Robert. “I don’t think you need to go to medical school to understand the dynamics of a Band-Aid, Robert. A little help please?”

“In a minute, Jon,” Robert responded. “Tell me more about your college experience. I’m assuming you went to Bayside High before you began your 4 year medical degree?”

Jon glared up at Robert. That was the final straw. “I went to college, Robert. I am a licensed doctor, Robert. And, if you’re interested, I’m in love with your daughter. She’s the most important person in my life. I want to dedicate the rest of my time here on Earth to providing for her and making her happy.” The two women sighed, clearly impressed and placated with Jon’s response.

Unfazed, Robert replied, “So, do you have some kind of medical certificate, or…?”

Jon threw his hands up in frustration, peppering the porch with his blood. “I’m not a doctor, Robert. Ok? I’m a scientist. One of the best in my field, I’ll have you know.”

Mary Beth was alarmed, and blurted out, “Jon, this is a house of holy Catholics! We aren’t interested in Tom Cruise’s nonsensical religious affiliation. Would you consider a bar mitzvah to convert to our faith?”

Robert saw red, and swiftly backhanded his wife across the face. “Jon, I’m impressed,” he said, for the first time with a genuine look of affection on his face. “What type of science are we talking about? Cancer research? DNA coding?”

Jon felt his heart seize up again, as he glanced at Kelly worriedly. “Not exactly, Robert. It’s really nothing special. There are so many scientists working on cancer; I figured I’d leave it up to them! It’s not really my ‘thaaang,’” he joked. “Besides, cancer is so 2010.”

Kelly leaned in close and whispered, “Dad’s cousin died of prostate cancer 4 days ago.” Jeff looked defeated, as he slumped and sheepishly apologized to Robert.

“Well, Jon, since cancer isn’t really your ‘thaaang’, why don’t you enlighten us as to your specialization?” Robert continued.

“F*** it,” Jon thought, “this can’t get any worse anyway.” Clearing his throat, he responded “I work in the development field, Robert. I take great pride in my work. It’s so rewarding.”

Robert squinted at Jon, trying to understand. “And what do you develop, Jon?”

Jon stared straight ahead. “I work in the foods business,” he replied. “I develop new recipes for some of the biggest companies in the world.”

“Recipes?” Robert asked. “So, you decide if a product could use a dash of paprika?”

Jon sighed. “Yes, Robert. I also create new flavors and make sure that…”

“So wait. You do or do not worship Satan?” Mary Beth asked, a red hand-shaped welt spreading on her cheek.

Jon stared at her in disbelief. “I…no, not really. What?”

Robert cut her off. “So, you’re more of a chef then, right? I heard Nikola Tesla started his scientific career as a short order cook for Applebee’s.”

Jon clenched his fists, shocked with Robert’s attitude and confrontational personality. “I am a scientist, Robert. I have my degree in…”

“Oh, let me guess,” Robert interjected. “You got your degree from the Bill Nye Institute of Science?”

“You know what, Robert? I’ve been standing on your porch freezing my ass off for close to 15 minutes now,” Jeff snapped. “I get it, you want her to be with a doctor. I get it, you wanted her to marry Donny…”

“David,” Mary Beth said softly, fearing another blow from her husband.

“Sorry- David!” Jeff replied in a mocking tone. “Well guess what? I’m not a doctor. I’m a food scientist. Chances are you have something in your house, which I figured I would have entered by now, that I worked on and perfected.”

“I’m sorry for any misunderstanding, Jon,” said Robert with a hint of compassion. “It’s just that…I don’t know. I guess they throw around the term ‘scientist’ pretty loosely these days.”

Jon spun around on his heel and made a dash for the car, which he quickly learned was locked. As the scientist stood there, jiggling the doorknob while Kelly cried, Robert and Mary Beth slowly shook their heads and headed inside. They held the door open for Kelly, who was now sobbing in between the two.

“Dad…I have to go,” Kelly said in a broken voice. Robert clucked his tongue, slapped his wife on the other cheek, and headed to his study for the night. Kelly bounded down the stairs to the car, where Jon was shaking with anger. They both got in the Taurus silently, and Kelly fired up the ignition. She was backing out of the driveway slowly when she saw a figure running from the house to her car. Kelly stopped the car. Her headlights illuminated the approaching person as they jogged over to the car. “Dad?” Kelly said, with a sense of hope she hadn’t felt in some time. It was the same kind of hope you might experience as you drive to the Grand Canyon for a family vacation. Her heart flooded with joy, and she rolled down the window.

“Jon?” Robert asked, peering through the open window. “Jon.”

Without looking at him, Jon replied curtly. “What, Robert?”

“Look…Jon. I don’t want you to leave like this.” Jon finally met his gaze, a twinge of optimism filling him. “I think we just got off on the wrong foot,” he continued. “The truth is, I have something to give you that I think you’ll appreciate.”

Jon smiled for the first time in a while. “Thanks Robert, that means a lot to me.”

Robert smiled and passed a Ziploc bag to Jon’s outstretched hand. “Here you go,” Robert said with a grin. “I want you to take this bag of oregano for your next big research project, Chef Boyardee. I don’t have any test tubes, but…”

Jon’s eyes turned back to stone. “Kelly. Drive away,” he said, in a tone so defeated a nearby fawn began to cry.

Kelly’s tires crunched on the gravel as she continued to leave. She rolled her window up, and thought of David. If he wasn’t born with both male and female genitals, things might have been so different. She glanced at Jon, who only had one set of genitals- of the female variety. How had her life come to this?