Hidden scars

Hidden scars(Tori) I’ve seen that look before, I see it in the mirror every day. A standing reflection pretending to put on a fake smile, losing herself in her own body. You can see the distance in her eyes, the exhaustion in her posture. The reality was this was me, Emelie Jayden. I was just too afraid to see it, too oblivious to face the truth, too scared to admit that this is now who I was.
I’m surrounded by girls I wish to be like and envy, it sets off all my insecurities. To get judged is the worst especially when they don’t know your name or your story, to them you are just another outcast they can victimise and tear to shreds just through one look or one nasty comment. What they don’t realise is you spend all your time building yourself and your confidence up for someone or something so little to strike you back down like lightening. Sometimes you just want to run and escape but then the problem only escalates until it then controls you. They say your body is a temple, yet mine feels nothing alike. I look and see bones and veins that visibly poke to the surface of my skin, how can something like that be beautiful?
I looked through the old things that once belonged to the most beloved Grandmother and Grandfather. The jewellery that was once my grandmothers I saw around my sister’s neck, fingers and wrist. An emotional wave had hit me, I could not bear to see them on her. I scarpered upstairs, as it was upsetting as that belonged to her and it didn’t seem to be my sisters place to wear it. It was still raw to me the reality of losing my grandma after all these years. It reminded me too much of her, I’ve spent all my life trying to forget these painful memories and in that one single moment they all came rushing back. It was hard to see my sister just claim these things, I guess in a way I envied how my sister had taken my grandmothers things as she had spent longer with my Grandmother then I did, as I was so young at the time she passed away. Yet I felt like I was left with nothing of hers, although I was afraid to be reminded and to hold on to these things.
Parts of my past seem to haunt me, I have nightmares of moments that have happened that I long to forget. These things have caught upon me and affected the present me, however much I try to move on and change this person I didn’t want to become, it’s hard.. Really hard. I am approaching 17 years of age, and they say being young is the best and easiest part of your life. I have been trying to fit in and find happiness so I can enjoy life, like I see people doing around me, but something’s do not have a quick fix. I feel so alone sometimes, I have bad anxiety which can make me feel poorly sometimes, leaving my body exhausted. When this happens it can get so bad my body reacts into a panic attack. It’s like a volcano erupting and my lungs suffocate and my body screams for help. The aftermath leaves me tired and upset but I get through it. I’ve learnt how to control this, I’ve learnt to accept help.
When I started helping myself things started to fall in place. I still have my off days but I now have better days. I also found someone who loves me for who I am, and sees past all my faults and still stands by me. He’s pretty great. Yet I am so afraid to be cared by someone to risk them leaving me that I have a tendency to push them away. The main battle is with myself and no one else and the day I can start accepting their love, and myself will be the day I shine the brightest and will be truly happy.