Where love has gone(Laura Weber) WHERE HAS LOVE GONE?
Love, the most used and powerful word in the dictionary, is also the most misused word. Love that is steadfast and sees us through the bad times and the good times is the most expressive word needed to declare our feelings and live by them. To discipline is to love. Man can achieve greatness through love. Emotional stability depends on how we use love. Love can last a long time between two people, or go out with a bang, or just slip away unnoticed over the years, and sadly never come back. To give love is a natural part of human nature inherited since the beginning of time. Could it be in our DNA? The shining example of love came from the most extraordinary man in the world: Nelson Mandela. I think God in his infinite wisdom selects a human at the right time in the right age, to save South Africa from a dreadful war.

The following story is about the ups and downs literally of my marriage. I shall start with the Up side, as 90% was the good side and when my husband was good he was very good and we based and lived our lives in the those good times as he was everything we needed and looked up to. As a family we loved him with respect, which he earned and deserved. We had established on the good side a relationship with him, which saw us through the mystery of the 9% the down side. The term used is the Mr. Hyde and Dr.Jekyll syndrome. I have added to what I call his Jezebel complex which only comes through Dr.Jekyll and never Mr. Hyde nice guy. Maybe a head shrink would have been better able to work out this complicated and puzzling problem. As far as I could make out the biggest culprit was the bottle of Scotch Whiskey which brought us a great deal of unhappiness. Although he had been drinking since University days when he was young the drinking culture was considered only for men, and if you did not drink you were considered a sissy.

Laura sat by the window staring out at the streaks of lightening in the night sky, summer storms in Zambia, were fierce. Suddenly it started to thunder, and the rain came pelting down which broke her concentration for a minute. Once again deep in thought listening to the rain splashing against the glass she thought about the bitter/ sweet memories of the twenty seven years of her marriage with Max who had died in an instant whilst sitting in his chair talking to his clerk regarding the day’s work ahead.

The life she knew was at an end, something she had never envisioned without his presence beside her, his intense personality dominating her whole life. Max was given a Hindu burial, as he was a sort of atheist, preferring to think of God as nature itself, and he thought Hinduism came closest to peace and thereby God. He could not believe in a God, dictated by religious men who were cruel and punishing, who could cause so much suffering.

Laura’s son Gary took the ashes to their farm where Maxine and her son-in-law arranged a small service for the workers who wanted to pay their respects. In a simple and moving ceremony they all scattered the ashes amongst the trees. A breeze had come up and must have blown the ashes far and wide; as the workers said “the big man can now sleep while he watches over his land.”

Max gave her freedom to worship where she felt comfortable and he liked the new young modern Canadian Missionaries who were her friends. She loved to play the little Yamaha organ in church, when it was her turn, and Max gave her lots of encouragement to continue this hobby. He would often stand behind her while she was practicing the hymns for Sunday. Max always asked her to play Carols on Christmas Eve with the children gathered around the piano. ”Silent Night, Holy Night”, his favourite; which he liked to sing in German. To Laura his singing sounded like a bad translation of some forgotten guttural sounding language, but it made him happy.

However, he was an avid scholar of Omar Khayyam, his teachings and philosophies of how life could be led. He would quote practically every verse especially drawn to the “Wine Women and Song”, which he put into action with great fervour. Sometimes in a good mood, he could be amusing. On fine summer nights when he was not out at the pub with his pals, he liked walking in the rose garden at home, sipping a whiskey or two in a very good frame of mind, when she would call him in for dinner, he replied “Ah my beloved come fill the cup and sip with me” part Max, the poet, and Laura would shout “do not quote that drunken poet or his verses to me.” She knew his roast chicken supper would end up as a tasty snack for the dogs, already waiting in hungry expectation at the kitchen door, for a feast.

When Laura met Max she was 20 yrs old. Laura and her sister were brought up by very gentle loving parents, who gave them a strong foundation to build their future on. Plus they were educated at the Dominican Convent High School. Their upbringing was rather straight laced and naive. When Max came into her life he was at the ripe old age of 32, “A man about town,” sophisticated and worldly, an exciting kind of character so he naturally swept her off her feet. An added attraction was the fact that he had fought in the 2nd world war. He did everything up scale and even kept a mistress l5 yrs his senior who divorced her husband and left him for Max, where upon she was set her up in a luxury flat. It was rumoured, he was not altogether faithful to her, which made for sensational gossip with the ladies which increased his potency as someone to be seen with.
Max was sensuous in a darkly European sort of way, which look he must have inherited from his French /Jewish grandmother. The family never acknowledged their Jewish side. It was kept a very well hidden secret, and locked away where they left it in Germany. They settled in a farming district of South Africa. Because fear comes in many forms, apart from the Holocaust, they had to consider their Jewishness, the social stigma attached thereof, which was alive and kicking in South Africa. His grandmother was a concert pianist and had obtained a doctorate of music in Germany. His grandfather had been a practising GP in Germany, which careers they were still able to continue on when they arrived in South Africa, as long as they were Anglicans. There was therefore the need for secrecy and this could have been the root cause of his down side, together with his siblings as they were all inhibited with the same fault line prone to being self defensive and tight lipped at the drop of a hat.
BUT Laura had an idea there were terrible insurmountable problems in the family with his parents which affected everyone. His mother, Lillian had been married before. Her first husband a Solicitor, also owned a Dairy farm, died unexpectedly. Left a widow with three children and a farm, Max’s father Hans who was manager of the farm at that time, continued to run the business. Hans eventually married the widow. Lillian proceeded to have four more children. There were fights between all the half sisters and brothers, with resentments a plenty against each other, reverting often at boiling point leading up to ugly scenes and accusations which never seemed to end and actually increased in volume as the family began to grow up. No one was ever allowed to mention the secret. What Laura found so strange was she was sworn to secrecy by her sister- in- law who was rather under the weather at a party, and felt obliged to confess to the whole truth. Laura was made to promise never ever to mention to Max or anyone of the family the fact that the secret was out and in her possession would have caused trauma and mistrust against her. Silence in this case was really golden. Laura had no reason to be such a racialist, mainly because she loved her husband so desperately; she was therefore not interested, besides she had very little knowledge of the Holocaust.
Lillian was older than her husband, so the fights must have been drastic between them, as Hans would take off and not been seen for days. If Lillian got in before he disappeared in the car, she would take the kitchen knife and slash the wheels. Max sided with his father, in this Greek tragedy which later on must have had some affect as he was blamed for encouraging his father to live with him for a while in Rhodesia. Max had to return him home to his family in South Africa, with the police knocking on his door prepared to escort Hans back in hand cuffs. Hans died soon after, probably all the drama was too much for an old man to handle. This episode involving the family, might have weighed heavily on Max’s conscience but he never talked about it. The informer of all family secrets came from his younger sister, after a couple of drinks at family gatherings. Laura had access to quite a vibrant group of people and their fast and furious social lives. During the war years Max’s three sisters had a ball as there were lots of uniformed men around especially with the R.A.F. stationed in Pretoria. The amount of glamorous and romantic affairs of the heart involving soldiers and parties and divorces were enough to keep the gossip news columns going.

Laura was intrigued by the stories, because the family were so well behaved socially, and never put a foot wrong in company. Even Max was quite formal, as hugging and fondling display in public was not on the list of good behaviour, only when the parties were well on the way into the night was it permissible to flirt and carry on.

The family attended the Methodist church, in name only, but they really never had their hearts in religion and knew very little about the bible, only Sunday school stories about Jesus.

Laura’s father did not want her to marry Max as he was well known for his womanising, so he was against the marriage. After eloping to South Africa, a romantic white wedding with two bridesmaids on hand, they were wed. The first night of romance with a Prince Charming was a wonderful passionate declaration of his love for her. A master well versed in the art of love was able to enrich in her life a taste of sexuality at its best, thereby setting the tone for most of their life together.

Sometime during the night, Max ordered Champagne to toast their marriage. What impressed her more than the toast was the light grey tailored pyjamas and pure silk dressing gown in maroon with a hint of a faint inlaid pattern in dull gold. That gown stayed on and was used long after his death, as it took turns at being worn, at one time or other by members of the family including Maxine when she was pregnant. It does pay to buy expensive!

It was not long before father capitulated. The friendship was always good after that. Her mother was delighted as she always saw the charming side of Max.

The early years married to Max was all go and exciting, a great of deal of socialising and meeting the Rhodesian Prime Minister Sir Garfield Todd, and other dignitaries as Max was president of the Master Builders Association. They were always doing the rounds. A variety of visitors of note arrived from England, as they favoured staying in the Vumba Mountains. Laura had a lot of friends living in and around, and they all attended the various meetings and lectures set up to improve their minds.
In between the hectic life style they were leading, Laura was slowly beginning to realise that Max had sudden urges to start up with horrid remarks and insinuations, directed at some friend or even her, but being young and strong Laura fobbed him off and told him not to be such an ass. If you cannot come up with facts that make sense, concerning other people keep it to yourself, especially when you have had too much to drink.” Laura did not drink and this did not seem to sit well with Max when they were in the party mood all the worse for wear! And she was stone cold sober and being judgemental. The first terrible quarrel was when Maxine was 2 yrs old and they had been at a party. Max accused her of staring at a young guy, who was no oil painting and had a girlfriend. The more she rightly denied it, because it was so ridiculous the worse his imagination took hold. Eventually after a week or so of persecution, she decided to leave him. She packed her suitcases, and with Maxine boarded the 8 o’clock passenger night train to Salisbury. (Georgia sounds far more romantic]. Max caught up with the train at a siding station and It took him an hour to persuade her to come back to him. He held onto her tightly and pleaded with her to make a promise never to leave him again.

To be different and modern they held a lovely service to christen their daughter Maxine, at their house in the mountains. The Anglican Church Minister made a lovely little sermon suited to the atmosphere of the surrounding scenery and also mentioned the 39 steps he had to climb, with honeysuckle growing all over, and how he managed to get to the first level of the house without incident. The Minister was invited to the after party, where everyone got merrily tipsy.

Max did not see the developing early warning signs of future problems arising from the over indulgence of anything for a party. But it slowly started to erode into his business, as he got careless, and left it to others to run, so it was inevitable the Company went into a down swing and bankruptcy.

In l964 Max got an excellent job in Zambia, with an Engineering and Construction Company. They had to leave Rhodesia and Laura wept all the way to Zambia as she left her parents, sister and friends and pets behind. Everyone willingly helped make a hamper with flasks of water and coffee for the long car journey ahead of them. Maxine was five years old and Gary a very frail baby. Max was wonderful as the roads were still old fashion dust roads, no motels along the way, to stop at for the night. He collected buckets of water from fresh water streams along the way, and helped wipe the children down to cool them off from the intense heat. Max then had the task of sweeping the dust out of the car, they were continually covered in.

Zambia was in an economic upswing and so much busier than sleepy Rhodesia. After a couple of years of real hard work, Max was made Manager of the Building Department, and then later promoted to a Senior Director in the Company.

In the beginning life in Zambia was very hard. Laura had to work; Maxine took on responsibilities, by keeping an eye on her brother after school. Over the years, they began to establish a workable solution, and because Max was ambitious and organised, they began to enjoy the fruits of their labour, and the good perks of living in Zambia.

However unfortunately as life got easier Max had turned his busy hectic life to suit himself and he became rather wayward, or so she thought and they had terrible quarrels. All too often Laura had to compete for his wavering attention. She was always in competition with an unknown rival and there were several to contend with, but she kept her composure and handled these minor affairs most adroitly going to great emotional lengths to put an end to them. The Club and his work pals, all gave their wives a hard time, having to put up with husbands drinking and having fun with the office girls. Dr Jekyll was making more worrying appearances, and accusing her of imagined affairs because he himself was so guilty of doing just that. Max never ever raised his voice, and this made him seem rather more sinister than he deserved, but on the other hand Laura could have won prizes for using her vocal chords to a high pitch scream which soothed her frustration because it was like fighting a blank wall.

Max followed the Shakespearian theory of the l2th night, and worked out his own family planning clinic! - The l5th night was a highly dangerous period to fall pregnant.

Laura could not be bothered about calendars and dates, leaving everything to chance resulting in a mishap. She wanted a third child but Max did not at this particular time. “She got the 2nd degree about her dates and Laura became evasive mainly out of guilt for not keeping the calendar up to date. Max however with Dr.Jekyll in the background of his mind egging him on to further suspicions now out of control, accused her of having an affair because she had the dates wrong. She was so cross with him she replied with “Oh yes there is a sexy man on every street corner waiting for me to come along and pick him up. You really are horrible.” She became immune to the story of her so called affair and instead concentrated her whole energy on giving her unborn child love.

When he came to see his son, after she had a C section, the only way of an apology short of feeling a first class heel, he stated “I see he has the Weber ears. Laura never said a word, peace at last from the constant persecution. She threw the calendar away as she had no more need for it. He did behave for a long time after, taking care not to hurt anyone.
And that was her baby Heath, active and alert, talking and walking earlier than that of his siblings. As Heath grew he was fascinated by any electric article and being curious he wanted to see how it worked on the inside so he thought it necessary to take any gadget he could lay his hands on apart. The bits and pieces piled up high, as he never put them together again. This apparently amused Max as he said Heath was exercising his brain. Laura called it occupational therapy to calm his nervous energy. We all loved Heath. He was fourteen years old when Max died.

Over the years as the Jezebel Complex immerged all too often, Laura had to take into account his obsessions, his imagination running away with him, the unfaithful, wife, mother, sister, friends. She was now the Jezebel of his nightmares who funny enough only came through Dr. Jekyll. Laura realised she was paying the price for something from the past.
The annual dog show was a major event in summer, and an English Judge was invited to take part. Max asked his friend Len to stay with them as they were showing two young setters from Lens’ dog. That fatal Friday night Laura set the table for a buffet supper and told them to eat whenever they were hungry. She was too busy getting the dogs ready, so she never realised what was brewing in the back ground. As the evening wore on Max must have started to entertain Len to a severe nasty dose of Dr. Jekyll. The perfect peace was broken, when Len came storming outside furious and said “I am leaving Laura, I am very sorry but I refuse to be insulted any further. How do you put up with him, he has a screw loose.” Max had naturally accused Len of the same old unfaithful you are sleeping with my wife story “Horrible as it is Len, there are terrible other things he says and he can be dangerous when it involves other people and the children. I sometimes wonder what Max would do if I could wave a magic wand and produce the most handsome thrilling and exciting man that ever lived, instead of a plain John average which in itself suggests something is wrong. What makes him turn into a monster at night has to be so deeply rooted he cannot admit or bring it out into the open. The problem is that in the morning Max is fine and sane again. Because the peace was far too valuable to disturb, it must be held on for as long as possible, they said nothing.”

As Len packed his suitcase and got ready to leave, Max went to wake Gary up and took him to the window and said to him “take a good look; this is your new stepfather.” “But Daddy that is Uncle Len your best friend.” Len had just recently lost his wife to cancer, and now Max lost a good friend. A somewhat bitter pill to swallow! But did he learn from it?
And to end a rather tense weekend best to be forgotten, their dog won the top dog and best in show, rather ironic!

Tensions were high as Gary was due to go back to school, and Max was taking him by car, which poor boy was not looking forward to after the fiasco with Len a couple of days ago. The night before leaving for Harare, she had a dinner for all of them to create a better atmosphere. But Max had started drinking, and refused to sit with them. Instead of leaving him alone, she started to nag him when she should have been trying to placate; God what was wrong with her! In her anxiety she never noticed the change visibly coming over him, like a dark cloud. He turned to her and the look of pure hatred on his face as he glared at her was frightening. Who did he think stood there? A she devil or even perhaps his mother or sisters or half brothers or! Whiskey brought out the ghosts of the past to haunt him for those few hours at night.

He went to the room and told Gary to get dressed as they were leaving now. “But Daddy we are only leaving early tomorrow morning.” Pure spite had taken over and reason disappeared out the window.

The normal eight hour journey to School, took them 12 hrs, as he crawled along in the car, and stopped at every cafe for coffee. Gary phoned from the Hotel to inform them they had arrived and were going to have a mixed grill and then school. In that instant Laura felt like caving in and call it a day with her marriage. Max knew he had gone too far and had a complete change of attitude when he got back home. He tried to become the attentive and loving husband he was so capable of but she turned away from him by keeping silent and aloof. She had devised a plan to punish him and had been to see a firm of Lawyers, who were acquaintances of Max from the Kitwe club. Together with a sworn Affidavit and a Bill requesting funds to be deposited for divorce proceedings, were served by the Court Messenger (in those days there was no mistaking the Court Messengers as they were dressed in smart beige uniforms and headgear which was a type of red box hat with a tassel on it} to Max at the office which he had to sign for in open view of anyone who happened to be there. A very embarrassed Max got the shock of his life. At the same time to punish him further, in the Affidavit she had added an extra sheet about the girlfriend who moved into their house, while she was away with the children at the coast for 2 weeks. This little incident according to his story got out of hand whilst on a drinking binge, and was most surprised when he found the girl there the next morning. The problem was that Maxine and Gary knew about the friend. Those kinds of facts cannot be hidden especially when she had taken over their room! Months later when Laura and Max had reconciled and she withdraw the case he actually told someone, he was so impressed with the clever way his wife had dealt with the divorce proceedings and got him into admitting responsibility for causing mental anguish he had to agree to pay all expenses.

There was a repeated phrase that kept coming up over the years from Gary from before l2 yrs, “But Daddy” and when his voice broke “But Dad” to often the fights involved Gary because he was young and full of cheek and therefore full of courage. I wonder if Gary realises that” but Daddy” was his swan song, He will now when he reads this.

Max was kept busy never allowing what went on in his private life to affect his work, which he considered were two different worlds so far apart. The Company sent him on business trips overseas, and on occasion Laura went with. What marvellous memories. London, night clubs, eating fish and chips in newspapers walking for hours round London dropping into a pub here and there, never a dull moment, and a uniformed chauffeur and car at his disposal they were able to tour Surrey. Darling, and Bath a stunning city. They were invited to a Dog Show in Manchester where there were at least ten thousand dogs entered. They hired a car and drove all over Scotland, a second honeymoon and she was deliriously happy. Laura was entranced by the people, and the way they pronounced Salmon as Shalmon.
She was thankful that there was more peace between them for now. There were many small trips and holidays, hunting and fishing at Mete Hills with the children. Because Max was a good teacher and made life interesting, they learnt how to get to know Africa, and how to accommodate their lives within Africa.

They went to Lake Victoria in Malawi. Their father often came to stay and Max included him in all the things they did, including the dog shows. The children all learnt to fish in a dugout canoe and water ski. They began to know Africa from Max’ point of view as he made an excellent tour guide. Fishing expeditions at weekends, hunting trip, camping trips that gave the children a sense of belonging to Africa.

Max resigned from the Company which came at a good time as he needed to start his own small firm and he also invested in a small farm. He needed to keep busy. A new phase began and things seemed to be OK, until she invaded his office.

Max moved the filing cabinet and other pieces of office equipment which were set up in the spare room. Instructions from Max were not to touch any of his things. In fact he kept the keys well hidden, and as hard as she tried to find them, the hunt was not easy. The cabinet became her obsession, the hidden became the forbidden fruit which always beckoned to her “come find the key and take a peek.” By this time she was so suspicious about what was hidden in the cabinet, that every day she inspected the room for clues, and at last one morning there was the key shinning and bright in full view. She pounced like a cat after a most elusive mouse. Heart beating fast and furious like a drum she went through the entire neatly stacked files pulling out one after another, and then at last victorious, she found the offending file, filled with hundreds of letters and photos.

Laura sat for an hour until she finished all the correspondence, a Hollywood type romance story from letters, written just like a Holly movies, about a big white hunter from Africa (Max) with Ave Gardener (the lover}. One paragraph jumped out like flashes of a light from a powerful torch, “I am so sorry your wife does not understand you.” Seething with anger she sat for the next several hours tearing up letters and photos, her fingers burning with anger and effort until she had the desired effect of coloured confetti, which she poured all over him when he arrived home, she greeted him with the words, “You can have her; I guarantee she will only last a month, once you give her a dose of your Dr.Jekyll. I know what you are like, you will never trust her because she has been unfaithful to her husband, and that will be your punishment of what you have done to me over the years with your accusations quite unjustly and exactly what she is now doing to her husband, and to think you are going to leave me for her.”

When she told the children that they were going to spend the long school holidays at her cousin’s farm they were quite excited, and Maxine just said “ump” she knew why they were going to the farm. Eventually when Max absolutely knew for sure, she was not so keen to return home, he asked her to meet him in Harare. Of course like a fool she went, and the make- up was again Max at his very best. He came to the farm with her, and was so happy to be there in such a wonderful environment with all the children, at the farm, they found it very hard to leave. For the first time in years they benefitted from the surrounding peace.

After a long time of normality in their lives everything was shattered when he decided one night to have a sherry. Laura nearly had a fit, but Max said with a half sneer on his face to show her up “I can handle one sip for goodness sake, don’t fuss and carry on over nothing.” Laura knew fatally that their happy normal life would be exchange for the abnormal!

One terrible night, Max started to pick on Laura, who already for a fight, as she knew the early warning signs, so determined not to be taken unawares or once again get hurt, Gary joined in to defend her. Laura was blamed for turning his children against him Gary said “But Dad we have grown up with what you say to Mom, we are not deaf, dumb and blind.” Something must have burst in Max’s mind, as he raised his arm, made a clenched fist with his hand, and stated “this is what I think of you,” and smacked at great speed his arm though the glass door. Gary’s girlfriend, Tracy who stayed with us, helped me bind the arm with towels and sheets, while Gary got the car ready to rush him to the hospital. Maxine was in Cape Town at the time, and she suggested that Max recuperate in the Drakensberg Mountains, a famous holiday resort in South Africa and she would meet him there. Maxine decided to leave Cape Town and came back to Zambia with him.

Hard to try and understand that Max was against all forms of physical violence and the one time when he must have felt it, rather than hurt either his son or wife he hurt himself.

Max could not quite forgive Laura and she got the blame full and squarely heaped upon her shoulders. She thought she was strong but looking back now she used it in the wrong way by confrontations, trying to cope with a situation she had no idea about. Gradually Max came round and she was absolved of some of the grief and trouble. They had missed their closeness being together and got back to each other again, but the pace and passion was subdued to a more comfortable and familiarity of their intimacy. This time he had to learn to control how many glasses were allowed, and this did help in the reconciliation of all of them.

The big plus was he started building up his farm in earnest, and this kept him busy and satisfied.

Max died the Omar way, wine, women and song, overwork, ever restless by nature, and found it impossible to relax. I could never achieve the impossible and in one of Omar’s verses where he was so right Max could not find the right key to open the door he locked so thoroughly against intruders. Our love by then was somewhat diluted but it had survived under strain.

We all still recognise his worth and that can never be replaced. Max, Maxine, Gary, and Heath and I were all victims of circumstance.

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