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- Story Listed as: Fiction For Adults
- Theme: Family & Friends
- Subject: Comedy / Humor
- Published: 07/14/2014
The Shopping List
Born 1950, M, from Clearwater/FL, United States“Honey, thanks so much for picking up these few things for me. You know, most husbands wouldn’t be caught dead walking through the store with this stuff.”
“Well, I’m not most husbands. Okay, lemme run through the list one more time, just to make sure. Okay, these things right here, you want the overnight kind, right?”
“Uh huh – with wings.”
“Wings? They have wings?”
“Yeah. Well, no, not like an F-16, but they call them wings – little flappy things on each side.”
“Okay… wings - gotcha. So the ones with wings, are they supposed to be sandalfoot, or nude heel?”
“No, that’s panty hose – and sandalfoot and nude heel are two separate things – you can have both, or one or the other, or neither.”
“Awright, I’m a little confused. The overnight stuff with propellers…”
“Wings.”
“…right – wings… and the stuff with the sandalfeet and naked heels, that’s two different things?”
“Yes!”
“And neither one of them are the kind with aloe?”
“No no no. That’s this stuff right here – and there’s two R’s in ‘hemorrhoid’”
“Oooookay – got it. So these are control top, nude heel, sandalfoot…”
“Right…”
“…and these are overnight, extra calcium, with wings.”
“Calcium? What?”
“Right here – on the list.”
“No, that’s breakfast cereal. You didn’t separate the stuff on the list like I said, did you?”
“Hmm.. I thought I did. Yeah, you’re right, the calcium stuff should be over here. This other stuff should be overnight, heavy duty, with wings.”
“NO! Let me see your list. That’s what I thought – now you’re confusing it with the stuff that’s on your list for the hardware store!”
“What? Oh, yeah – that makes sense. Guess those things wouldn’t really come in galvanized, would they?”
“NO! Now listen – these, right here, see these?”
“Uh huh.”
“These are control top, sandalfoot, nude heel, taupe…”
“Taupe? Now, is that the same as…?”
“A COLOR! TAUPE IS A COLOR! May I continue? These, right here – these are overnight, sugar free – CRAP! NOW YOU’VE GOT ME DOING IT! – overnight, with wings – they don’t have aloe, they don’t fly, they’re not galvanized, and they don’t come with nuts and raisins!”
“No nuts and raisins? Hang on… let me cross that off.”
“Okay, you know what – thank you for offering to pick these things up, but I wanted to look at their new line of lipstick anyway – I can just pick this stuff up myself while I’m there.”
“No, it’s no problem – I can pick up that lipstick for you. Does that have wings too?”
“NO! NO WINGS! FORGET THE WINGS! I’LL PICK IT UP MYSELF!”
“Well, okay sweetie, if you’re sure. I’m going to run some errands now. You okay? You got a headache? I can pick up something for it.”
“NOTHING! Nothing. Thank you. Just… GO!”
<center>* * * * *</center>
“Yo, Chuck – it’s me. Uh huh. Yep, it worked like a charm. Yeah, right now. You bringin’ a bait bucket?”
The Shopping List(Phil Penne)
“Honey, thanks so much for picking up these few things for me. You know, most husbands wouldn’t be caught dead walking through the store with this stuff.”
“Well, I’m not most husbands. Okay, lemme run through the list one more time, just to make sure. Okay, these things right here, you want the overnight kind, right?”
“Uh huh – with wings.”
“Wings? They have wings?”
“Yeah. Well, no, not like an F-16, but they call them wings – little flappy things on each side.”
“Okay… wings - gotcha. So the ones with wings, are they supposed to be sandalfoot, or nude heel?”
“No, that’s panty hose – and sandalfoot and nude heel are two separate things – you can have both, or one or the other, or neither.”
“Awright, I’m a little confused. The overnight stuff with propellers…”
“Wings.”
“…right – wings… and the stuff with the sandalfeet and naked heels, that’s two different things?”
“Yes!”
“And neither one of them are the kind with aloe?”
“No no no. That’s this stuff right here – and there’s two R’s in ‘hemorrhoid’”
“Oooookay – got it. So these are control top, nude heel, sandalfoot…”
“Right…”
“…and these are overnight, extra calcium, with wings.”
“Calcium? What?”
“Right here – on the list.”
“No, that’s breakfast cereal. You didn’t separate the stuff on the list like I said, did you?”
“Hmm.. I thought I did. Yeah, you’re right, the calcium stuff should be over here. This other stuff should be overnight, heavy duty, with wings.”
“NO! Let me see your list. That’s what I thought – now you’re confusing it with the stuff that’s on your list for the hardware store!”
“What? Oh, yeah – that makes sense. Guess those things wouldn’t really come in galvanized, would they?”
“NO! Now listen – these, right here, see these?”
“Uh huh.”
“These are control top, sandalfoot, nude heel, taupe…”
“Taupe? Now, is that the same as…?”
“A COLOR! TAUPE IS A COLOR! May I continue? These, right here – these are overnight, sugar free – CRAP! NOW YOU’VE GOT ME DOING IT! – overnight, with wings – they don’t have aloe, they don’t fly, they’re not galvanized, and they don’t come with nuts and raisins!”
“No nuts and raisins? Hang on… let me cross that off.”
“Okay, you know what – thank you for offering to pick these things up, but I wanted to look at their new line of lipstick anyway – I can just pick this stuff up myself while I’m there.”
“No, it’s no problem – I can pick up that lipstick for you. Does that have wings too?”
“NO! NO WINGS! FORGET THE WINGS! I’LL PICK IT UP MYSELF!”
“Well, okay sweetie, if you’re sure. I’m going to run some errands now. You okay? You got a headache? I can pick up something for it.”
“NOTHING! Nothing. Thank you. Just… GO!”
<center>* * * * *</center>
“Yo, Chuck – it’s me. Uh huh. Yep, it worked like a charm. Yeah, right now. You bringin’ a bait bucket?”
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