Stumpknocker, Florida: Jimmy Boone and the Calf

Stumpknocker, Florida: Jimmy Boone and the Calf(Phil Penne) I just got back from another visit to Stumpknocker, Florida, my favorite place in the whole wide world.

I had gone fishing a few days before and still had my pole in the trunk of the car. Trouble is, I forgot and left a shrimp on the hook and finally figured out what I did when the inside of the car started smelling like Mary Three Toes’ bait shop over in Ochopee. I stopped into Hannigan’s to see if Wanda had one of those little pine tree air fresheners for your car - it’s one of the few things I know that’s strong enough to cut the smell of the shrimp. The only other scent that’d be up to the task would be the Jungle Gardenia perfume little old ladies wear to the Almighty Shoulders Baptist Church on Sundays, but I wasn’t about to go sprinkling that in my car.

Wanda Miller runs Hannigan’s, which is the Stumpknocker equivalent of WalMart. She bought it from Big Jim Hannigan in ‘97 and never bothered changing the name. The only difference is that Hannigan’s is quite a bit smaller, and Wanda refuses to stock anything made in China in her store. She’s a feisty gal, with red hair, freckles and a nose that’s crooked from the time it got busted when she had a difference of opinion with the horse she’d just got, a mare by the name of “Hajo”. She was cleaning Hajo’s hooves and you might guess that the horse kicked her one in the face but, nope, that’s not what happened. It’s too bad that Wanda didn’t know any Seminole words, or she would have known that “Hajo” means “crazy” in the Seminole language. Hajo did jerk her leg, then she craned her neck around to try to bite Wanda on the arm. This riled Wanda, so she let the hoof drop, took a step back, then tried to hike her leg up and kick Hajo in the rump. What Wanda didn’t stop and consider is that she’s on the north side of fifty and can’t quite hike that leg up as high as she use to. Her leg made it about half way to rump high on that mare, then wouldn't go any higher. The leg stopping like it did spun Wanda around; she lost her balance fell forward and planted her face right on one of the uprights to her pole barn. Normally at this stage of the game she would have walloped that mare a good one, except that her nose was bleeding like a stuck hog and was burning like all get out, so she couldn’t be bothered with getting even with the mare. Come the next day she had two black eyes and what looked like a red clown nose stuck in the middle of her face.

Anyway, about the time I was getting ready to leave, in came Jimmy Boone. Jimmy’s usually a talker, but this time he just came in, got a couple of pounds of twelve penny nails, a loaf of bread and an RC Cola, then he slinked out of the store without saying more than three words. Watching him head down the street I saw folks snickering and whispering to one another behind his back, so I asked Wanda what was going on. The way Wanda explained it, she was told what happened by Patty over at the Magnolia Cafe. Patty had been told by Rayna at the beauty parlor while she was getting her hair permed, Rayna had been told by Rudy over at the Watering Hole, ‘cause he had overheard it from Hazel Bascomb who went to Rudy’s to see if she could get some club soda from him to get rid of the barbecue sauce stain she had gotten on her good blouse. Hazel heard it from Jimmy himself, who was just trying to find somebody who would believe him. Once you hear what happened, you’ll know why.

Seems Jimmy Boone and his daddy Ezra had a new calf over at their place. The calf was just a week or so old and wanted to keep an eye on her until she grew a little more, so they were keeping her in the stall they had built when they thought they were going to get that hinny, but they didn’t so now the stall’s empty. Anyway, it had come time for Jimmy to clean up after that calf. He went in there and swung the half door shut behind so the calf wouldn’t run off. He was shoveling away and after a bit, he decides that he’s got some business to tend to. It wasn’t just a matter of ‘seeing a man about a horse’, so to say, it was a little more serious than that. Jimmy figured that, what the heck, it’s not like he’s in the middle of downtown Miami. So Jimmy looks around just to be sure, then he tucks himself over into a corner of the stall and drops his drawers. He’s just about ready to do his business and all of a sudden he notices that he can see daylight coming through that stall door, right where it should be latched. The bad luck was that the calf noticed the same thing and headed that direction. She stuck her nose in the crack of the door and started poking at it; seeing freedom and a whole lot of juicy green grass outside, she started nudging that thing for all she was worth. Jimmy saw what was going on and knew that if the calf got out, he was going to catch what-for from his daddy. He jumped up and made a lunge for the calf, planning on catching her by whatever handle he could grab hold of. The only part of that calf that was handy for Jimmy to get was the tail, so that’s what he latched on to.

Now, something you need to know about calves is that even when they’re young and spindly, they’ve still got a fair amount of spunk in them, and they can pull pretty hard if they’re of a mind too. On Jimmy’s end of things, he’s just south of five and a half foot tall, weighs about a buck and a quarter soaking wet and has this big old red mustache. If you look at him just right with enough beer in you, he looks kinda’ like Yosemite Sam.

So the calf’s strength and Jimmy’s size made for a bad combination. Jimmy wasn’t about to let go of that calf’s tail, thinking all the time he could stop her. Well sir, out the stall door she went, with Jimmy still hanging on for dear life. About the time Jimmy and the calf had made some fifty foot out into the yard, who should he see coming around the front of their stake bed truck but his daddy.

Okay, right about now I need you to stop and take a look through Ezra’s eyes: Here’s his boy Jimmy, with his britches still down around his ankles, standing out in the yard in plain view of God and everybody, hanging on to a calf’s tail.

Uh huh - that’s what Jimmy’s daddy thought too.

Ezra stood there, not saying a word. Jimmy stood there, not saying a word. The calf stood there - she wasn’t saying anything either. Ezra took a long pull on his pipe and blew out a smoke ring. Jimmy started to speak, but Ezra just raised his hand to hush him. Then he just muttered something under his breath, shook his head, and headed towards the house.

Jimmy had it rough for the next few days. Folks either didn’t believe him, or were laughing so hard come the end of the story that were snortin’ and not able to catch their breath, which didn’t make Jimmy feel any better. The ladies of the Almighty Shoulders Coffee Klatch and Sewing Guild said they were going to pray for his soul; he thanked them kindly, but couldn’t figure why they thought that was necessary. Rudy finally motioned him over and whispered something in Jimmy’s ear. Jimmy turned red as a snowbird in July, jumped in his truck and nobody saw him for the next week.

So, now you know what happened with Jimmy Boone and the calf in Stumpknocker, Florida, a place where you can still see the stars at night.