Liar, Liar(Herm Sherwood-Sitts) Liar, Liar!
By Herm Sherwood-Sitts

In 1891, little Billy Jonson was only three foot, nine, but he was well on his way to being a politician or a snake oil salesman. If liar, liar pants on fire were true; Billy’s pants were smoking most of the time.

At school he convinced Becky Lu, to kiss his horn toad (Henry) in front of the class. He told her Henry had magical powers and kissing him would make her the fairest in the land. It wasn’t a complete lie; after all, she did end up being the fairest toad kisser in Bradshaw County.

Billy also told Big Bob, “If you jump off the top rail of the pig pen onto Orville’s back and ride him for eight seconds, I’ll get you a gig in the rodeo this summer!” (Orville was Mr. Hardy’s twelve hundred pound prize Yorkshire boar.) Big Bob made the jump and Orville (like a locomotive) took him through the side rails of the pig pen. Big Bob never got to be in the rodeo, but maybe that’s cause’ he had a broken arm and a concussion. They never did find Orville.

Stuff like this seemed to happen way too often and Billy’s mom had all she could do to take care of seven children. On February fifth, 1891, Mrs. Jonson put Billy on the Southern Pacific No. 9. He was to stay with his grandmother and help her on the farm.

It took several days for Billy to reach grandma’s farm in rural Kansas. When he arrived, his face and clothing were covered with dust and he smelled like smoke from the locomotive. Grandma fetched him a bath and while Billy soaked in the wash tub, she picked up his bib overalls to wash. Out fell a shiny twenty dollar gold piece. It rolled across the floor, fell over and wobbled for a few seconds and stopped. Grandma bent down and picked it up and looked the coin over.

“Where in the world did you get this?” she asked (for she knew that Billy’s family was dirt poor).

Billy thought for a minute, squinted his eyes, and this is what he told her: “Ya’ see Gram, I was on the train and it was so boring just sitting there. Finally after a few hours I decided to explore a little. I went from one car to another; I met the conductor, Mr. Smitt, The engineer, Mr. Jones. I met everyone from the engine to the caboose. On the second day, as I passed through the mail car, I met some men just hanging out. When I stopped to say hi, the one I thought was snoozing took the barrel of his six-gun and raised the brim of his hat.”

“What’s yer’ name boy?” He asked.

“Billy, sir!” I answered. “What’s yours?” The other guy’s gave a chuckle.

“My name is Grat, this is Emmett, Bob, George, and that guy over there is Blackfaced Charlie, he said, pointing his six-gun as he said each name.

About then, Blackfaced Charlie came over to me and asked, “What’s that behind yer’ ear?” He reached over and pulled out a gold piece from behind my ear and put it in the pocket of my overalls. “Now be a good boy and go play,” he said with a smile.

Grandma had received a letter from her daughter, prior to Billy’s arrival, about his farfetched tales. Billy’s mom had said that when he squints his eyes, that’s his tell. Grandma was sure it was a fib.

It takes a while for printed news to arrive in these rural parts and about two weeks later the paper came. The headlines read, Dalton Gang Robs Southern Pacific Railroad. Grandma figured that Billy read the paper someplace and made up the story.

There is only one problem, Billy is only seven and doesn’t know how to read!

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