Crossroads...(Smriti) One would think that there can only be so many crossroads one has to encounter in this lifetime, but it seems as if my journey just takes me from one crossroad to the next. And as much as I wish, there is still no option of ‘undo’ in real life. Decisions made can't be unmade. Roads chosen can’t be un-chosen.

Finding him standing at the crossroad, a physical one, made me want to laugh at the cruel joke Destiny was intent on playing with us.

He was leaning at a lamppost, texting someone. Hearing my footsteps, he glanced above and then made an impatient gesture towards his watch. He hates waiting and I was twenty minutes too late. I went to him with an apologetic face. After knowing him for more than a year I knew that this would earn me a five minutes reprimand and then he would forget this. He wasn't the one to bear grudges.

He kept the phone aside and we started walking, talking over inconsequential things. We talked about the exams I had taken, my upcoming results, our irritating room-mates, things that weren't even remotely connected to why I had called him in the first place. I could see that he was wondering about the reasons for this sudden rendezvous and I knew that he wouldn't ask anything directly, lest he made me uncomfortable. I also knew that it would pain him not to know what was troubling me but I couldn't find words to tell him. Things were happening way too fast for me to process and I had no way of knowing how he would take it.

We reached the restaurant keeping strictly to topics that didn't connect us to the past we had shared together. He took his seat opposite to me and only then did he raise his eyebrows, silently asking what was troubling me. I looked into the depth of his chocolate brown eyes and wondered why I couldn't love him back. Why couldn't the things go back to what they had once been? Why couldn't I feel what I had once felt, what I knew he still felt? Why did the things have to get so…complicated?

"Hey, what's wrong?" his gentle compassionate voice nearly broke me. What wouldn't I give to go back in time and smooth things over! But then again, I didn't want to. The increased heartbeat, the anticipation on seeing him were all now felt for someone else. And to worsen it, he knew this and accepted it. I wish he hated me as much as a part of me does, but he doesn't. He's still the same person. I know going to him time and again hurts him but I can't keep myself from breaking contact. Heaven knows how many times I've tried that and failed. Acceptance might be second nature to him, but I'm still a long way from letting go completely. Maybe that's the difference between him and me. He is stronger, selfless, while I'm still the same. He has the strength to let go and continue being a friend, keeping all what he feels for me in check, while I am laden with guilt every time we talk, even though I'm the one to initiate it.

"Priya....You're scaring me." his eyes were concerned. He was worried and the least I could do to change it, was to sadden him by telling him. Funny the guy who should hate me was the one I usually went to, with all my troubles. In some perfect world, we would be together and have a future ahead of us but my life wasn't supposed to be what I wanted it to be. Destiny was intent on punishing both of us, for which sin, I know not.

"The guy...my family...they have finalized the guy for me." I finally let it out and it felt as if a huge load was lifted away. But the feeling was only transient. Glancing up at him I saw him- eyes closed, head resting on one palm while he ran his other hand through his hair.

"So who's the lucky guy? You know him, right?" he regained his normal self sooner than the last time- the day I had ended our year-old turbulent relationship.

"Yeah...name is Abhimanyu, a family friend. I've known him since I was a little girl. He's about two year older; works in the family business."

"So when do I get good free shaadi-food, provided that I'm invited?" and he smiled that child-like smile of his that I've always loved. But whether the smile was genuine or for my sake, I could never be sure of. Although he could gauge my reactions and emotions well, he was equally competent in masking his own. I know his reactions were always in accordance with the emotions of the person he was listening to, always intended to make the other person happier. And that made it tough for me to be sure whether it were his own emotions or a reflection of mine.

"Is that a genuine smile or are you.....?" when in doubt, ask. This was one other thing I learned from him. He never stopped questioning, be it the silliest of the questions. If he didn't know the answer he would ask. What others thought of him was one thought that bothered him the least.

He smiled again, only this time it was a shrewd one. "I am not sure. Probably I need a bit more time to process it and give the real reaction."

I knew this was the best response I could hope for at the moment. He would answer when he felt it was right, if he ever felt that way.

"You didn't oppose." I couldn’t understand if it was a question or a statement but I knew where he was pointing to. This was his way of bringing it up- Siddhant, the guy I had left him for. The guy I was still in love with.

Without actually wanting to, I let loose a smile. How could a simple life get so complicated all of a sudden? Just a year and a half ago I was an average college student-distressed over grades, hating the canteen food, loving and hating my room-mates, drooling over stupid rom-coms and the rare shopping trips I entitled myself to, after what I thought to be some serious hard work.

And then he entered my life. Gaurav. Sometimes I do blame Him for crashing into my perfectly normal and planned out life and turning my world upside down but then I really can't blame him for something that was beyond his power. You don't exactly choose the cards that Fate deals you with and that is what happened. Our story had been pre-determined and no-one had the power to alter it.

He was the childhood friend of one of my room-mates and so a frequent visitor to my hostel. The way he indulged in her, turned up at our doorstep whenever she felt low, was all very indicative that they had something more than friendship going on. But then, they both denied it every single time.

As for me, I was slightly envious of their friendship. Never before in the twenty years of my existence had I encountered something as pure as their relationship was. So natural was it that I was more than curious to know him for real. And I almost coerced my roomie into introducing us. Our first meeting was fun. I had no trouble whatsoever in mixing up with the two of them together and opening up in front of him. When we parted, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about him. The next day, she was teasing him on the phone about 'us'. And out of the blue I was suddenly the one on the phone with him. Again the sense of familiarity made us talk for over an hour which ended only when his balance ran out. The next day found us strolling in his college campus, as he called it our ‘first-date’, talking about things that neither of us had shared with other people. And weirdly, even before the day had ended, our relationship statuses had changed.

It was a whirlwind romance, the kind which left me breathless. And I couldn't have been happier, for a while at least.

They say, too much of anything, even something good, is bad. I doubt words truer than these exist. I found out soon enough that too much happiness breeds envy and much too envy leads to jealousy. My roomie wasn't exactly happy with our relationship. Maybe she felt left out, or maybe she felt I wasn't the right person for him. Whatever the case had been, she managed to make my life a living hell in the hostel. I wish he could have altered the situation but he never did. Initially I blamed him for this but then if I place myself in the situation where there is a rift between your best friend and your best girl, I can only imagine how tough it might have been for him.

I think it was wrong of me to expect so much of him, but truth be said I wanted him to choose me over the friend he had had since childhood, though it never came to any choice. He never took her side against me, but then he never took my side either. He was always like, ‘I will make things work between you both, no matter what,’ and stayed neutral, trying to make us ‘understand’. We chose to break things off once and for all. But we never ‘broke-up.’ It was more like sneaking behind her back to meet up so that things don’t complicate themselves. Then, like every other melodramatic soap, she found out. To tell a long story short, she yelled at me, humiliating me publicly. Yes, even though I cared for him more, I just couldn't stand my love life being dictated by someone else. And that was the end of it, for quite a while.

Even then, I simply couldn't stay away. He is the kind of a guy everyone feels comfortable with, and despite the break up, despite all the horrid things I'd flung out at him, I found myself going to him at times of need.

I glanced up to find him staring patiently and I realized that I had zoned out. I search my brains for what I was supposed to answer and then smiled at him, apologetic. He quietly replied "Tell me what's going on in your mind."

It's difficult keeping things from him. He has a knack of making random people talk even about the most difficult of things. Maybe that contributes to why I can't seem to let go of him. It's so easy to have someone to listen to all your prattle, someone who'll let you rant your mind out without commenting and finally when that person speaks, he says things that you never realized were exactly what you had needed to hear.

But how could I tell him that I was worried for him, that a part of me wanted him to stop responding to my calls, stop meeting me, and that another part of me wanted me to fall for him, but there was a much greater part which wanted things to remain exactly as they were now. It was super-selfish, I know, and I was honest enough to admit that. Yet there was a still greater part that was wishing that it was all just a bad dream and any moment I would wake up and all would be fine and things would be simple again.

I forced myself from zoning out again. There was no point in thinking about it all over again. There were too many what-ifs associated with our story that couldn't be and I'd made my choices already. What pained me the most was that he was forced to be a part of and to bear the consequences of the choices that I had made selfishly, that he bore them without so much a hint of the anguish it caused him and that only accentuated the guilt I felt every time I heard his voice, not that it kept me from returning time and again.

"Just the same stuffs." I shrugged it off. But he continued looking at me, not staring, just waiting for me to elaborate. I stifled a sigh. He wasn't going to give that up without an explanation.

"Wondering what the guy is like. I mean I've seen him-known him for almost my entire life but I don't know as in 'know' him." It was not the complete truth but I knew it would distract him. And it did.

"Ok. Let’s start from the basics." His detective approach made me smile, "What does he look like?"

I fished out my phone from my handbag. I think there was a slight change in his expression but he checked himself before I could be sure.

He came closer, taking care that we didn't touch even accidentally. I smiled inwardly at his extra precautions. Back when we were together, he used to claim that my touches were 'electric’. His endearing stupidly-in-love-with-Bollywood style still shows itself every now and then and just makes me laugh heartily.

We started looking at the two pics I had of my soon-to-be fiancé. I mentally cringed at that thought. It was much too soon to be able to digest all of it. As if things weren't complicated enough I was about to get engaged to the guy who knew all about him and about Siddhant, someone who even after knowing all about the past, wanted to give it a try. To think I was ruining not one but three lives out there made me wish I had never met any of them, that I was better off away from any of them.

Funny come to think of it, being saved by Siddhant, and that too at a crossroad. Destiny indeed has a cruel sense of humor. "Saved" would be a huge exaggeration but that doesn't matter. He just pulled me away as a manic driver flew past. That moment, it was exactly as they describe it in any romantic novel. It does sound tacky, or as Gaurav would put it, “filmy”, but it did seem that the world had come to a standstill and we were the only ones on the planet. It wasn't like I didn't know him—his sister was my best friend, or so had I thought.

I pulled away and thanked him but my mind was in turmoil. During the remaining of the shopping trip I was having with his sister, I couldn't keep myself from glancing at him every now and then. It didn't help that he was glancing my way too and our eyes met more than once. All I could hope for was that my blushing went unnoticed.

On the way back home too, there was an air of awkwardness that had never been present before. It was weird how one moment could alter the dynamics of our relationship. Call it intuition or whatever but I was sure that I wasn't just his little sister's best friend for him any longer. That night, as I was trying my level best to quit thinking and sleep I received a text from him asking me to meet him the next day and before I could stop myself, I had agreed.

The meeting wasn't anything out of the ordinary. We met and parted as good friends. But there was no denying the undercurrent that was present there the entire time. We took to texting each other regularly and then the chats became somewhat personal and soon texting gave way to talking on phone every night. He became the first person I talked to in the morning and his was the last voice I heard before going off to sleep. The best thing about him—he made me laugh like no-one else could and today, I realize that the time spent talking to him are the memories that I cherish the most. And the anticipation with which I used to wait for our weekly meetings, those memories still leave my heart in a flutter. There was no need of telling the other how we felt but he did one night and we both knew I had accepted when I found myself unable to speak. It was good between us, he was everything I never knew I had needed and I completed him. Sounds like a fairy tale right? ‘Coz maybe that’s what it was- a “fairy” tale- unreal, impractical and impossible.

I used to think that star-crossed lovers never existed in real life. Destiny couldn't be cruel to ones who truly love, could it? My firm belief was that true love triumphs, no matter what, and all the stories of heartbreak and romantic tragedies, they were all complete crap. I guess it was my yearning for my ‘happily-ever-after’ that kept me from acknowledging the truth and made me turn a blind eye to reality.

His sister, the 'best' friend, she wasn't exactly wild about our relationship. And then things started going downhill. She convinced him that I was cheating on him and I still remember the countless nights I spent awake crying over him. Come to think of it-is it simply co-incidental or is it Fate that both the time, it was a girl close to the guy, who caused the break up.

By the time he came to know of the truth, my engagement had been finalized. Not that we didn't try convincing our parents. Heaven knows what not we did! Calm talks, hysterical shouts, threats and what not, but our parents didn't budge. I even threatened to tell everything about my past relationship to the guy's family but that too yielded no result. When finally I came out clean with Abhimanyu, he was more than just understanding. You could almost call him supportive.

"Priya, you there?" Gaurav's voice finally broke my reverie. I shot him an apologetic smile and turned to the picture he was examining. I smiled wryly. He wasn't simply looking, rather he was examining the picture. It was zoomed in to view the exact expression of the guy and I knew for sure that he had carefully memorized every tiny detail already. The background and all had to be imprinted in his mind's eye by now.

"Abhimanyu" he voiced as though testing how the word sounded "what's his surname?"

"Searching him on Facebook are we?" I couldn't help but smirk. He had done the same thing with Siddhant when I had told him about it, and that had been the night of the 'official' break up as he called it although we both knew it had been over for quite a long while.

We were in the park-the same one where we once had held a stupid dare of climbing up a seven foot wall. It had been easier for him but I'd managed pretty well too, and that memory is one of the last ones I have of my once uncomplicated life. But I have already successfully ruined all the happy memories the park had housed by making it the site of the official break up.

As always he was on time and I was the one who was late. Looking back it seems as if he had been prepared for the onslaught. I can't exactly describe it but something about him suggested he knew why I had called him. He had been sitting on a rock restlessly moving his legs and looking around at nothing in particular. I had gone to him not knowing what I was supposed to say or do and the look he gave me, a blank stare devoid of any emotions, that broke me. I was the one dumping him and I felt like the one who was the victim. "I thought I was in love with you but I wasn't,” I started, unable to look him in the eyes, “but it was with you that I came to know what love actually is." The words burned my soul and tore my heart. How could I be so cruel? My words hurt me, to the point that it was almost physical; I could only but imagine what he must have gone through.

We lost touch after that for at least six months. When he suddenly texted me to wish me a new year and then before I could stop myself, I'd dialed his number and was listening to the caller tone with bated breath. It was a normal chat-two old Friends catching up after a long time apart and we were back to the good friends phase. That's how we ended up here tonight.

"You do know that I have to be sure the guy is good." his concern got me teary eyed. There could have been no other person I could think of who would have done that. I mean no other friend would have thought of doing a background check. And that was fine right? I mean my parents wouldn't just choose any random guy for me. But still his concern was touching.

"There's no need for that, you know." I replied, eyes downcast, hiding the hint of tears in my eyes. Tears made him miserable and I couldn't bear adding more to his misery.

"Hmm, I know. But I want to." and this time his voice betrayed his emotions. I knew I couldn't risk meeting his eyes for the fear that his emotions were being reflected there as well. His concern scared me, scared that he was holding on to something that was never there, scared that I would forget him someday, scared that this friendship I had grown dependent to, his reliability I had grown accustomed to, were but transient. Soon I was supposed to leave him, leave ‘us’ behind. My family knew about him of course and they would have approved of the match had it not been for the time lag that would have been owing to his studies. Funny they would agree for the friend but would go against the boy friend.

"I'd rather you didn't." I replied, still keeping my eyes averted.

"You can cry, I'll be fine." and the soft caress of the gentle voice became my undoing. I cried, over not being able to stand up against my parents, over losing the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, over the scary future that would be, over the inevitable goodbye with which we would part sooner than what I would have preferred.

I glanced up at him when I was done and noticed his eyes were wet as well.
"I'm sorry," I began but he gestured me to stay quiet. He stared at a distance and his hands began doing that typical movement they did when he was collecting his thoughts in order to explain something. I waited patiently, knowing that interrupting him would make him lose his train of thought.

"I know that there's going to be a final good bye for us. And I totally understand that you're worried for me. I just want you to know that there's no need for you to worry. I'm not going to do anything stupid or irrational. For the time being I'll focus on my career and I'll see what Destiny has in store for me."

"You don't believe in Destiny." I choked out the words as a fresh batch of tears threatened to overwhelm me.

"You didn’t believe you would be marrying some stranger either,” he choked out too. “I know that it's not the end of our story. You're about to begin a new life buddy. Why should I be sad? Ya, I'll continue with this old life for quite a while but then again there is a new chapter for me too. And who knows, one day we will meet again and I bet we'll all hang out together and remember all the good memories that we shared."

"You sound as if you're trying to convince yourself." my voice still shook.

He didn't say anything, he simply smiled. As we left the restaurant, I extended my hand out. He shrugged and pulled me in for a hug and I couldn't help but cry some more. After six months of inner turmoil, I finally shed all those pent up tears. Why was it that I didn’t want to let him go? Was it that a part of me still wanted him? I was in love with a guy, destined to marry another guy and yet a part of me had wanted…needed…that hug. A part of me had been yearning for the comfort of his arms, to lean upon and cry my heart out. At that moment I acted selfishly, not bothering how miserable he would feel later owing to my outburst. Guilt, I would deal with later. At that moment, it was my confusion I wanted to get over with.

And it helped. My tears finally cleansed me of the burden I had been carrying around for what felt like years but I didn't thank him for helping me out yet again. It would have made him feel alienated from me, and that was one thing I didn't want. It wasn't like I didn't know that our days together were numbered. It was just that I wanted to ignore that as long as was possible.

On the way back, I thought of all that we had discussed and all that had been carefully avoided. Siddhant. He was a sore topic for Gaurav and I knew that. It had been weeks since I last talked with him. It was much too painful for both of us to bear and we'd decided to call it quits. I doubted he could be as calm and acquiescent as Gaurav had been and was grateful for that. I doubted that we could ever remain just Friends. We were better off apart.

Crossroads- there are four roads to choose from. One is to retrace the steps to the place I know, to what I am accustomed to, where there is security and comfort in the monotony. And then there are three unknown paths- each promising its own set of unexplored future and of unrevealed secrets. The worst part— there’s only one choice. I want to go back but I don't want to continue with the routine monotony. All the three paths are equally appealing and appalling. So what should I do- what is known to be right but what feels to be wrong or what is known to be wrong but feels right. Or still different- the third path which is bound to be easy, even comfortable, but one that would leave me dissatisfied. Four roads and one choice, without any second chance. What should be done?

*************

I watch as the baarat comes to the doorstep. The groom is seated on a white horse but it's not him I'm concerned about. My eyes search for the person I want to see the most and then I spot her. Standing on the balcony she's looking every bit the perfect Indian bride as she peeks a glance at the people who would soon be taking her away from me. I can't make out her face from my hiding spot but I can visualize it. Just a hint of make up to add to her beauty. In the maroon and green lehenga she looks every bit traditional as she has never been. She goes inside now as the groom unmounts the horse. He's taken inside after certain rituals I used to ridicule once. But right now they make sense. Everything makes sense but this. It still feels unreal although I'm just a few metres away from the spot where she is going to be claimed by some other guy, a virtual stranger, as his— not just for this but for all other lifetimes to come. How could this have any valid justifications? What did the guy ever do to deserve her? What did he know of her? Did he know the way she moved her hands restlessly when she was nervous? Or the way she fidgeted with her wristwatch when she was upset? Or the way she ardently twisted a strand of her hair when she was in deep thought? Or what her favorite chocolates were? Or the way she preferred dahi poori over pani poori? He doesn't! I do. I know every tiny detail about her- her likes, dislikes, her deepest secrets, her darkest fears, her ambitions, her hopes- every damn thing! But he's the one who'll get to spend his life with her, not me. A voice in my head says that he'll get to know all this soon and more. That a time will come when he'll know her better than I ever did and I want that voice to shut up. I want to curse the guy to the darkest corners of Hell. A part of me wants to rush inside, grab her and vanish away with her into nothingness. But I can't do that either. I can't curse the person who's promising to love her, cherish her, protect her, and stand by her side for the rest of his life. How could I curse the person who would be promising to safeguard her future? And neither can I snatch her away from a secure future to compromise with an unknown one with me. I can only sit here, hidden behind the bushes, and torture myself by imagining what must be going on inside. She would be descending the stairs, garland in hand. And he would try evading the garland just to say that he won't be the submissive one in their household. I know the ritual is just meant for fun but had I been in his place, I'd have bowed low before her, accepting defeat- for there would have been no joy greater than having her order me about for the rest of my life. They'll leave for the mandap- to perform the holy rites that would bind them together forever. Her father would place her hand in his, symbolizing giving away the most precious gift God had bestowed upon him. They would take the ceremonial rounds around the sacred fire- the purifier of all. And then she'd be his. I could have been inside like my sister was, but I don't think I had it in me to witness the same thing happening right in front of my eyes. If imagining causes so much pain, I don't want to know what actually witnessing it would cause.

Not knowing what else to do I curse God and I curse the Destiny; both hell bent on keeping us apart. Why had He brought her into my life, made me fall in love with her when He had to snatch her away? Why show me all the bright promises of the future to come when it wasn't mine to claim? It made no sense. Destiny is supposed to be with us not against us. Then why had my Fate turned against me? Why was I destined to live without my Destiny? Why couldn't I be the one inside- the one to hold her hand for the years to come?

I look around- half expecting Gaurav to be here somewhere, either inside like my sister was or outside, like I was, watching and waiting as she would be cut off from him as well. But he isn't here and I get that. At times you don't need to 'know' a person to know what he must be going through. I could understand his feelings as I could feel them. The only difference being that he had gone through the same things once already. And then I laugh inwardly at the thought. I doubt anyone can adapt to this sort of pain, no matter how many times one gets exposed to it. I could understand him but unlike most of the people, I didn't want him to move on. I wanted someone, a partner in my misery; although someone I would never acknowledge but someone who could feel the emptiness inside as well.

I get up after a few hours of this torture and make my way out blindly— not knowing which way to go. I arrive at the crossroad where I first realized that she was the one for me. What wouldn't I give to have that manic driver run over me right now! I want to let go in every sense of the word. How could I continue with my life knowing she was another's to claim? But this is not what she would have wanted, that I'm sure of. I stand at the intersection of the four roads. At after midnight, the streets are deserted- as empty as I feel inside. I look up at each of the roads, wondering which way to take. It takes a while to come to a decision but I start moving forward.

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