The distance

The distance(Rekha Nair) The distance

The Sun's setting rays spread orange wings on the horizon, dark clouds hurried to bury the orange in their grey shrouds, far away the blue and silver of a lightning loomed large. Crouched under the huge ‘Anjili’ tree the little frame shivered with cold, there was a heaviness in her chest, she longed to stand up and run as soon as she heard the whistle of the zooming train across the paddy fields. This was the usual spot were the little girl would sit every day during the boring afternoons when no soul could be seen around, when the whole world seemed to be soundly sleeping during the afternoon siesta, this was the time when the little heart felt sMothered and at the peak of loneliness and she felt terribly, terribly, agonizingly away from her Mother.

The little lost soul that she was, she could not pin point the exact feeling that she had for her Mother, whole year she longed for her Mother to come, to see her, to look at her in awe, in awe of her beautiful face, lovely saris and long hair. but when the day actually arrived, her Mother kept calling her to hug the little one, to take her into her arms and kiss her, but the little girl felt a heaviness in her chest, she was nervous and she backed away, shied away and did not go to her Mother at all, agonizing and hurting her Mother, unknowingly paying her back for all the loneliness and heaviness that the little one faced all through the year. She did not even call her Mother as ‘Mamma’, she did not utter those words, deliberately? no? but the little girl could not bring herself to call the very person whom she missed everyday with the very name which she uttered every single day with so much of misery and anguish and love. This was repeated every year, though the little girl in her heart of hearts always dreamed of living with her Mother one day, leaving behind the big Anjili tree, the well, the coconut trees and the tortoise who were constant witnesses to her lonely days at the quaint house across the paddy field and the railway line.

Finally one fine morning she set out bag and baggage, bidding adieu to her doting Grandfather who loved her to the core and for whom she waited every evening at the doorstep with smile and eagerness for the packet of savories that he got her daily, he was inconsolable at her departure, she also saw the streaming tears of her aunts and Grandmother but was too excited about joining her Mother.

The little girl was mesmerized by the train, all these days every day she had seen trains but not this near and never from inside, as she had no recollection of her journey to her Grandparents place when she was brought by her Mother to be with them a few years ago, the train seemed huge to her specially the first class compartment and she was happy to see a bed for her to lie down, she did not remember much of the journey , all she wanted to do was reach the destination and be with her Mother. The train chugged along and one evening the train halted at a place too crowded, too dirty and there she saw on the platform her Mother and her aunt, who had till recently was staying with her at the Grandparents place, again the same heaviness settled down on her chest, the little girl got nervous and aloof, she saw the outstretched hands of her aunt and her Mother , she really really wanted to go to her Mother, to put her head on her bosom and cry and kiss her Mother to her heart’s content but she did not, instead she went to the outstretched hands of her aunt and clinged to her, refusing to even look at her Mother.

All of them sat in a taxi which took them through a maze of roads, the little girl was wonderstruck by the zooming traffic, the glittering lamps, the big parks, the crowd, the noise, the hustle and bustle, she had never seen so much people at one place except at the village fair at grandpa’s place. They reached home, Aunts and Uncles left, her Mother tried calling her but the little one kept sitting on the chair and she saw that just like her granpa’s place this place also had nothing much to see, it was a single room with a few kitchen utensils and a kerosene stove in a corner, one small bed and two chairs in the room, there was a clothe’s line which had men’s clothing also hanging on it, she wondered if it was her Father’s , she had heard about him but did not remember how he looked or anything else about him.

She was just looking around and actually was starting to miss her Grandfather when suddenly there was a huge crashing sound at the door, she felt as if someone had fallen at their door, the next thing she saw was a man with moustache, thin frame and red eyes who, trying to balance himself again, stood up swaying and started shouting at her Mother, she saw her Mother backing away, her face tensed and in agony. Her Father did not acknowledge her, or rather could not acknowledge her as he was so drunk that he did not realize that his daughter whom he had not seen in the last five years was here for good and she was seeing him for the first time since she was left behind as an infant at her Grandparents place.

She saw her Father stripping to his lined shorts, hurling abuses at her Mother and throwing away the food that was placed in front of him, she saw the fresh yellow and white marks on the wall when he threw the food away, she saw the wall had many such stains. The little girl shivered and backed off to a corner when she saw her Mother getting beaten up, being caught by the hair and her forhead being banged on the wall, the little girl was scared and scarred for life, she was lonely at her Grandparents place but it was peaceful place with resonating laughter of her aunts and banter of her grand Father and Grandmother, the peace was only occasionally broken by her Grandfather when he rebuked one of the aunts or her Grandmother, the little one had never ever witnessed such violence and abuses and raised voice, she was shaken up, she sat shivering at a corner of the room, none of the parents looked at her, neither the Father who was not in his senses any way nor the Mother who was understandably in great physical and mental pain.

The little girl dozed off sitting in the corner of the room, remembering and crying for her Grandfather, later when she opened her eyes, she was lying on the floor next to her Mother, her Father was on the bed, snoring away, she saw the face of her sleeping Mother in the moonlight that streamed through the un-curtained , dilapidated window, her Mother’s face had the same tear stains that the little girl had on her face but even in sleep her Mother’s hand did not touch the little girl’s hand or put it over her to hold her, the little one painfully realized that her Mother was not habitual of it.

In the days to come the little girl grew and so did the distance between her and them, then it reached a point where it remained the same, if not more, just like the distance between the railway lines that ran across the paddy fields in front of her grandparent’s quaint home far far away.