Abused(Tasneemareff) I lifted my head from the sink, and wiped the vomit off my mouth. I was definitely in love with him, or at least infatuated. It was really hard to tell the difference since I had never been in love before. In fact, I had never even been in like before. But he made me feel these emotions. Emotions I didn’t want to feel, but at the same time, liked. I don’t know how the f*** I deluded myself into thinking that I didn’t have feelings for him, when here I was, cowered over the sink, peuking out all the food from my latest binge. This time, it wasn’t because I felt fat, or unloved, or the fact that I thought I wasn’t pretty enough. It was BECAUSE he made me feel love, a feeling I had never been able to give or accept in my life. He’s so beautiful. With his thick, long, black hair that I always dreamed of touching, but never could quite bring myself to. Maybe I could pretend to dust something off of it. How lame I thought. I don’t know what it was about him really. I didn’t even know him come to think of it. I mean, who is Jason? I can’t answer that. All I can say is that whoever Jason was, he was making me miserable. Well, at least I got all the food up. I could always tell, when I started vomiting out blood. Maybe he would like me if I lost enough weight? Maybe then he would be attracted to me. Because he definitely wasn’t now. It’s weird, he’s always around me, wants to spend time with me ,texts me, but does nothing about it. If an outsider looked in, they probably would have thought we were dating. Well that was in the past, no use dwelling on it now.

The doorbell rang. Agh, it was time. I wouldn’t say I was looking forward to it, I wasn’t dreading it either. At least my mind would be occupied for a few more hours. I guess every second that my mind was occupied, whether it was a binge, or this, was more than welcome. I opened the door in my robe, I had nothing on underneath. ”Tasneem? Wow uhm… you’re..beautiful”. I was honestly sick of this reaction. It was almost as if nobody could believe that a half decent girl could f**k for money. Well that wasn’t quite true, I wasn’t half decent. I was actually quite beautfiful. The type of rare beauty you only see on models. But does it really count when I didn’t feel it? Anyway, I guess I couldn’t blame him for his reaction, all of them reacted this way. And just as a side, I didn’t do it for money either, I had my own. Lots of it in fact. I was a very successful lawyer every weekday during the hours of 8-4:30. “Greg? Come in”. He walked in, apprehensively, as if he was afraid this was a joke. He seemed to calm down when I sat down and started taking my robe off. ”Would you like a drink?” I asked, as I unbelted my robe. He watched me with desire.

Suddenly his face turned from one of desire to one of surprise. It wasn’t the look of surprise one gets when they have been disappointed, but rather the look when one experiences something which would have been the last thing they would have expected. Scars on my breasts and arms, even my stomach. Stretchmarks up and down my stomach, stretched across my inner arms. Cuts all along my forearms. He was surely wondering what had happened to my body. Either way, it didn’t seem to bother him. ”Yes I would like a drink,thankyou”. He was polite. Probably married too. I stood up naked, poured him his drink and handed it to him. He drank very slowly. Eventually I became impatient, and bored with the small talk. ”So I don’t actually have all day, would you like to start what you came here to do or what?” “Oh,yes, my apologies”. He stood up and followed me to my room.A s soon as he walked in he took a step back. He was obviously disturbed. I smirked. The pictures on my wall. God, it was just art! I didn’t understand why everyone reacted this way. One frame had a girl lying in her bath, eyes closed, blood dripping from a slit in her wrist. Another frame had a young girl sitting naked on a bed. An old man undoing his belt behind her. She looked sad, he looked perverted. Her father maybe? I thought so. Another frame, a young boy and girl, gaunt and translucent. Injecting what seemed to be some sort of drug. I knew that he was thinking how f**ked up I was. I really didn’t care. I WAS f**ked up, I knew I was. And the more people that knew, the better. At least I didn’t have to carry around the shame alone. He looked apprehensive. I don’t think he wanted to do it anymore, but he couldn’t leave. Something was holding him there. He was probably just as f**ked up, like so many people in the world were, but unlike me, they hid it well. That’s what pissed me off about people. Everyone has f**king issues, but nobody wants to admit it. Well here I was, pouring my heart out to a complete stranger, any stranger that entered my room in fact. And the best part was that I didn’t even have to say a word. He wasn’t judging… Well if they had even the slightest idea as to why I was as f**ked up as I was, they would pain for me, not judge me. He sat down on the bed next to me, he started kissing me. He wasn’t unattractive I guess. But he wasn’t Jason. Nobody could ever be Jason, and I didn’t want them to be. I would never let anyone take his place. F**k man, why was I thinking of him again. The whole point of this shit was so that I would keep him off my mind. Otherwise I might as well just be sitting alone in my bed, consciously thinking of him, as I so often did. And here I was, naked with another guy, but thoughts of him just kept coming trickling through. F**k it hurt. It hurt even more than when I would cut myself. I loved cutting my forearms. Just taking a knife, and slicing through them like hot butter. It was a different kind of hurt, but pain is pain right?

"Tasneem, are you okay?” I ignored his question. I sat on top of him. I started biting his lips. I quickly realized that I wasn’t drunk enough for this. I unzipped his pants and removed his belt. He pulled his pants and underwear off simultaneously, before I even got the chance. He was getting very excited. He was f**king huge, this was going to hurt. Even though I did this more times than I care to mention, it still hurt. My psychologist said something along the lines of “It hurts because you’re not open to letting anyone in, you’re scared to be abandoned” blah blah blah. Honestly whenever he started speaking I would pretend to listen, but I knew he was speaking shit. I don’t know why the f**k I still saw him, but I knew that if I kept my f**ked up crazy life to myself, I would go insane. I needed someone to listen without judging, but they did judge. They were only human after all. And even though I moved from psychologist to psychologist, none of them could ever understand my obsession with Jason. Some of them thought he was a distraction. A distraction from what exactly?They all had their psychobabble bullshit theories. If Jason was a distraction, then why the f**k did I need a distraction from the distraction? I felt him inside me suddenly. He groaned. I winced. He put his head back, put his hands around my waist and guided me up and down. Not that I needed guiding. I was the f**king best at this shit, no guy that ever left me was disappointed. If only HE would have given me a chance to make him feel the way I made so many other guys feel. I had so much love to give him, but he just refused to accept it. Or didn’t want it. Either way… There I was drifting off again. I f**king hated Jason for doing this to me. For making me think about him every second of EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. If I wasn’t thinking about him, I was dreaming about him. If I wasn’t dreaming about him, I was writing about him, or crying over him, or getting high over him, or self-mutilating over him. You’re gone and I gotta stay high all the tiiimmmmeeee to keep you off my miiiiind. Some days I would only look forward to the night, when I would get to go to sleep. Because at least then, I would see him in my dreams. They were always so vivid. I could practically feel him, smell him. I was even forgetting what he looked like, but these dreams kept him alive I guess. So even though I woke up every morning more pained than the last, sometimes they were the only thing that got me through to the next. And this. These things used to take my mind off of him, but slowly over the months, it stopped working. The numbing effect of each activity slowly became less and less, and I feared that pretty soon, they would have no effect at all. What the f**k would I do then. I didn’t even know why I did it anymore. Why I drank, took drugs, binged, purged, f**ked random strangers for money I didn’t even need. Well it was habit now more than anything. I wished so badly that I could imitate the girl in my picture frame, the blood oozing out of her wrist, it looked so soothing. Death is easy, life was harder. Life without Jason… was harder. Luckily for me, I was the biggest coward.

He came, finally. It was starting to drag. I got up and got dressed. He was still lying down, enjoying his climax. ”You really need to leave, I’m expecting someone”. He looked genuinely hurt. I laughed to myself. I really hoped he wasn’t falling in love with me already, it usually took them at least a few weeks or even months before that happened. It irritated me when they confessed their undying love for me, but could I blame them? If feelings were controllable, I wouldn’t even remember Jason’s name by now. After so many months, I still felt exactly the same. He left. And once again, I was alone. I looked at my phone, he hadn’t called. I was so f**king stupid. I haven’t heard from him in months, why would he call me tonight. I threw my phone down and sank to the floor. Tears started streaming down my face. I was crying so heavily I had to gasp for air. It hurt, it hurt so much. He was my best friend, he was my everything. And then one day he just stopped speaking to me. He didn’t even have the f**king decency to tell me why. After months of friendship, seeing him every weekend, being there for him, he just cut me out completely. Maybe he realized how I felt about him and was scared away. He probably didn’t want to lead me on. I mean I DID make it f**king obvious how I felt about him. Everyone knew, and in retrospect, I knew he did too. So I couldn’t blame him then, for not wanting to hurt me by rejecting me. If only he knew how much more this hurt. How it hurt not knowing what was going through his mind. I wondered what he was doing right then. Probably in the club getting drunk as usual. It’s funny, I know he had issues of his own. He had never had a girlfriend, never had so much as a remnance of a relationship. I’d really like to know what the f**k happened in his life to f**k him up so badly, I mean at least I knew my excuse… as much as it pained me to acknowledge it. Or maybe he was just incapable of feeling anything else other than the common shallow emotions. Maybe all he needed in life was money, cars, sex. Maybe he was just as shallow as every other guy I had encountered in my life.

I woke up the next morning, still tired. I didn’t actually get any proper sleep, I never did these days. As soon as I dreamed, I woke. How was I supposed to fall asleep when I loved him so much it physically pained me?Or when I actually did fall asleep and saw his beautiful face again. I definitely was not going to get through the day feeling the way I did, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to get any sleep. I opened my drawer, my heart started pounding. It wasn’t the same feeling I got when I was about to f**k some disgusting guy. At least with this I didn’t feel dirty afterwards. Well, i always felt dirty actually. When I got older I realized that had probably been the reason I had been obese my whole life. I felt dirty so I wanted to be dirty, look dirty. It was almost as if I didn’t want any attention from guys. And I still didn’t. Well not any meaningful attention at least. I was okay with f**king, and if I never saw that guy again, I would be okay. That’s the way I preferred it.

A thought suddenly crossed my mind. Maybe I was so obsessed with Jason BECAUSE I couldn’t have him. That kept me safe right? I mean, my fat no longer provided that security. So the next best thing was to subconsciously sabotage myself. The only problem is that it was becoming less and less subconscious, and the reality was, that my life was becoming more f**ked up every day. I picked up the bag with the smooth white powder, emptied the contents onto the bedside table. I scratched around for one of my creditcards and a note. I was addicted to the ritual just as much as the actual high. And just as soon as my heart started pounding, it started aching. F**k Jason! I hated him, I wish he would just die. Maybe then I would finally get over him. There was a sort of finality that came with death. Even though Jason and I hadn’t spoken in months, he was still alive, he was still capable of being reached. I truly believed that I would only ever get over him the day either he, or I, died. I couldn’t wait to get this shit into my system. I rolled the note up and sniffed all of it at once.

And a few seconds later, I was floating. Floating on a cloud. All I could think about was how happy I felt. I couldn’t remember the last time I was this happy. I don’t think I had ever been truly happy in my life. The contentment you feel when you’re not unhappy with your life, but not quite expecting much more from it. With my f**ked up childhood, suffering from obesity throughout my teen years, and then falling in love with an emotionally blunted sadist. I didn’t think I would ever feel happy, until the day that the universe would decide to have mercy on me and take my life. I was too much of a coward to do it myself. Or maybe I just always had that little bit of hope that Jason would wake up one day and realize he loved me. Maybe it was because I was too fat, or not as good looking as the girls he was so used to f**king, or maybe, I just simply wasn’t his type. Whatever the reason was, it didn’t matter. What mattered was that he wasn’t telling me the reason anytime soon.

‘Triiiing’… The doorbell rang. Oh f**k. I forgot I had an appointment this morning, I couldn’t remember with who though. I am such a slag. I laughed. I put my robe on, though it hardly mattered, it would be off in a few minutes anyway. I opened the door and I gasped. “Jason!” there was more happiness in my tone than I would have liked. I couldn’t even pretend that I was not excited to see him. I threw my arms around him, and as high as I was, I started crying. “Jason where the f**k have you been!?” He looked very surprised. “Where have YOU been Tasneem, I haven’t heard from you in ages”. I couldn’t get my tears under control. Finally I managed to blurt out “I missed you so much, you could have called you know”. “Yeah Tasneem well…” he stopped. He looked hesitant. “I spoke to your sister a couple of weeks ago, she told me you weren’t doing too good, apparently you’ve been going through guys like its going out of fashion”. I was hurt. How could he be so callous? Did he not f**king know that the only reason I was doing all of this shit was because I was trying to get over him. “Well you heard wrong Jason, I don’t know why the f**k she’s going around telling everyone my business." "I'm not everyone Tasneem, I care about you, I was sad when I heard that you know”. “Oh f**k off Jason”. My tone was angry now. “If you cared so much, then why is this the first time I’m seeing you? Or even hearing from you?”. I pushed him away. I was screeching through my tears. He looked ashamed. “I’ll tell you why, Jason, because you don’t give a f**k about me, or anything that happens to me, you just left me alone, when I needed you the most” I couldn’t stop crying. “What the f**k are you even doing here huh? Why don’t you just f**k off!”. He looked very hurt. “Tasneem, just let me explain okay, you need to calm down, I can see you’re high as a f***ing kite". At that moment Kevin came by. He was my 11 o’ clock, and at least a twice weekly. One of the poor sods who had the misfortune of loving me. “Is everything alright over here?”. “ Yeah everything’s fine, he was just leaving”, and I looked at Jason with the most hateful look I had ever given anyone. “Look I can come back later”, Kevin offered. ”I SAID he was just leaving” I raised my voice. "So is this your new boyfriend?" Jason asked. Kevin laughed nervously, “Hardly” he replied to Jason’s question. “Just go” I had calmed down. “I truly hope you get the help you need Tasneem, I feel so sorry for you”. I pulled Kevin inside and shut the door in Jason’s face. I didn’t need any help; I was doing just fine…

Kevin left, and I was all alone again. Wondering what the f**k to do with my time, how to make it through another hour of the day. I couldn’t stop thinking what it was that Jason wanted to say, why he came over today. But at the same time I don’t think I was actually ready for whatever it was. For all I knew, he came to tell me that he knew how I felt about him and that he didn’t feel the same. Or that he had a new girlfriend, or at the very worst, that he was doing just fine without me, living his life the way he always had before me. I couldn’t bear it. As strong as I pretended to be to the world, I was weak. He made me weak.

To stand in your armmms, without fallinggg to your kneeessss. I put some music on. I wasn’t in the mood for happy shit, so I chose some London Grammar. Melancholy at its best. The words drowned out my thoughts, im gonna drive you through the night down the hiiiiiills…im gonna show you where its dark but have no feaaarrrrrr… This wasn’t helping at all. I got up and got dressed, I didn’t even bathe. Even after Kevin came all over me, I didn’t enjoy feeling clean, it just seemed unnatural. I opened my fridge to see what was there. Chocolate mousse, chocolate cake, a whole chicken. I ate it. The cupboards…chips, two slabs of chocolate, gummy bears, marshmallows. I ate it. I was getting so full it was starting to pain. At least this kind of pain, like the slitting of my arms, was bearable. It wasn’t the same as the pain I felt for Jason. For one thing, it would go away as soon as my body excreted the contents of my stomach. The pain I felt for Jason would not go away, ever. It would probably even follow me into the afterlife. Not that I even believed in that shit. But there I saw myself, at the gates of heaven, asking God if Jason went to Hell or Heaven, knowing that I would have chosen Hell if that is where he was. I chuckled, I was so f***ing stupid. I was so full I couldn’t move, my heart started pounding again. This was my favourite part about the binging; the vomiting. I picked up my toothbrush and shoved it down my throat…and 3 minutes later I was hungry again. Hungry for him. I guess deep down I knew, all the food in the world wouldn’t give me what he gave me. I could have stuffed myself into a stupor, and still, I would have been starving…pining…yearning.

I got into my car and drove to the nearest bar. It was full. That was good; I would definitely meet a guy. I guess in a way it was a bad thing that I was so good looking, never short of male attention. But if my looks couldn’t get him to want me,I knew I had nothing else to offer. My personality left much to be desired. I was aggressive, short tempered, insensitive, selfish, bitchy. I tried to think of my good points, assuming I had any. My own family told me I was aloof and emotionally blunted. The same way I described Jason. I ordered a double whiskey and diet coke. It was laughable really, I was so obsessed with being thin, but I was already thin. If I lost any more weight I would have probably passed for a cancer patient. But guys loved it, they loved my body. I guess big wasn’t in. I downed my drink. I ordered another. The bartender was f**king hot. Tattoos, scar on his face, broody. He was definitely not the kind of guy you would take home to your mother. He would probably f**k you, your best friend, and then your mother, just for the gag. ‘’What’s a beautiful girl like you doing in a place like this?’’. I laughed. For a smooth looking guy, he wasn’t so smooth with his choice of words. It obviously worked for him though. Girls were so easy. I swear if I was a guy I probably would have had a much more boring life. Getting a girl to fall in love with you was a matter of telling her how nice her eyes were, or that you’ve never felt this way before, blah blah blah. “Uh yeah, could you just get me another drink please’’. He looked pissed. Every single guy in there was checking me out. It was pathetic really. The whole concept of going to a bar to find someone to f**k. EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. Was that truly what life was about? I knew that if I was ever in love, reciprocated love that is, my life would be so perfect. I wouldn’t do all the shit I was doing now. I would appreciate the finer things in my life. If I had Jason, I would be a better person. My psychologist told me that was bullshit, that nothing was preventing me from being that person now. F**k he was annoying.

“TASNEEM!”, I immediately came back to reality. Oh god! It was Jason’s best friend Saftee. “Saftee oh my f**k its been a while”. I stood up to give him a hug and automatically realized how drunk I was. “Whoa how many have you had?" He pointed to the empty glasses in front of me. The bartender probably didn’t clean it up because he was pissed at my former rejection. Seems like I had downed 5 doubles in the last hour. Saftee seemed pretty drunk himself. “Where do you come from Saf?” He took a seat next to me. It was weird, me and Saftee never really got along. Jason always told me it was because secretly Saftee desired me. Saftee was just as f**ked up as Jason and I. Again, just in a different way. He spent his days in the gym, grooming himself, picking up girls, f**king anything that had a hole. He was what you would call an airhead. Absolutely beautiful to look at, but thick as a brick. “I was down the road at Griffiths on 4th, but there were absolutely no hot chicks, so I thought I’d try my luck over here.” Saf made me laugh. He knew he was beautiful. But he possessed a different type of arrogance to Jasons’. Jasons’ was fake, I knew that much. But still, the fact that this was Jason’s best friend, told me something. I couldn’t imagine being close to Saftee, he was just so emotionally unintelligent. “Saftee, don’t you ever get bored of the same old shit, different girl’’. We both laughed. He had this sadness to his eyes, kind of like Jason. The only time they ever looked happy was when they were f**k drunk come to think of it. ”Where’s Jason?”. ”Ah, he’s at home with his mother.” He looked sad again. “His mother? He spends a lot of time with his mother hey”. “Yeah, there’s a reason for that”. He swayed to the side of his chair and fell off. I wanted to laugh. I don’t think I had ever seen Saftee this drunk, and trust me I had been with him on some of his wildest nights. I wondered why he was alone, he was usually always with someone. He could never be alone. Neither could Jason actually. They were always surrounded by someone from their equally arrogant 15 man crew. “Well what’s that reason?” my interest piqued. There was obviously something I didn’t know. “ah nevermind Tas”. He wouldn’t give me eye contact. He obviously regretted saying anything. “Saftee what the f*** is going on, why has Jason been ignoring me? He doesn’t want anything to do with me”. He downed another drink. He was going to pass out for sure. “Tasneem, just leave it okay”. “F**k Saftee I don’t want to leave it alone, he’s my best f**king friend. Well WAS, and if you cared about me at all, you would just tell me what the f**k I did. Do you know how I have spent sleepless nights wondering what the f**k it is that I did that was so wrong. It kills me all the time”. I knew this would get under his skin. I knew Saftee genuinely cared about me. Maybe Jason was right. “You’re right, you do deserve an explanation, but I don’t think it should come from me, I think Jason should tell you”. "Do you honestly think that’s going to happen Saftee, you know how Jason is.” I paused. “Look, just tell me and I swear to God I will never bother you with this again. You know you can trust me Saftee, I won’t say a word to anyone, especially because you know I would never intentionally hurt Jason.” He hesitated. It was obvious that he was torn between telling me, and the loyalty he obviously owed Jason.
He chose me.

I guess if he really did love me, this was definite proof of that fact. I was such a bitch, using people’s feelings to my advantage. But isn’t that what everyone did? He started… “Okay, so the reason that Jason spends so much time with his mother, well, it’s quite complicated”. He stopped. “F**k Tasneem, if Jason ever finds out that I told you about this he would f***ing kill me”. “Saf, I will never I swear to God” I was growing impatient. It honestly couldn’t be THAT big of a deal. Why was it so hard for him to spit it out? He started again. “When Jason was a baby, you know his dad left him and his mother right, he abandoned them”. I really hoped he wasn’t going to try and excuse Jason’s behavior with this. Many people grew up with only one parent, including me. Let’s throw a pity party and GET. THE. F**K. OVER. IT. At least his mother wasn’t a complete bipolar f**cked up asshole like mine was. If anything, his mother probably became even more loving because of the fact that his father abandoned them. I was about to find out just how MUCH more loving. “Well his mother became lonely you know, she was depressed, obviously. I guess the only person she had was Jason”. He was pausing more and more now. “She started coming into his room at night, just lying next to him at first. Jason didn’t mind, in fact he quite enjoyed it, I mean he was lonely too”. It sounded more like Saftee was reciting something from memory. “And then it started. She started touching him…and well…you know”. I really hoped I was misunderstanding what Saftee was telling me. “You don’t really need me to go into the details Tasneem, you can figure it out for yourself”. I was in shock. I wanted to cry. I hoped Saftee was just really drunk and was speaking shit. “Anyway…it never stopped. Shit like that f**ks you up forever I guess. I mean he was only 6 when it started. He still visits his mother and well…” Saftee suddenly also looked as if he wanted to cry. I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I started crying. Soft tears pouring from my eyes. I didn’t move. I couldn’t move. “Anyway Tasneem, basically, Jason was starting to fall for you, well actually he DID fall for you. He was in love with you. He wouldn’t admit it, but I know my best friend, I think he just doesn’t know what to do with these feelings since his idea of love is so f**king messed up. I guess he just found it easier to ignore you. I mean it would be pretty impossible to be with someone and have this kind of f**ked up secret you know? Honestly nobody would ever f**king understand. Sometimes even I don’t. So don’t be so f***ing harsh on him Tasneem. If YOU truly loved and cared about Jason as you clearly do, then let him be, okay? Just leave him alone. Trust me, you will just f**k him up more”.

I stood up, I was going to be sick. I steadied myself. “Why doesn’t he just get help Saftee, I mean why doesn’t he just tell someone, why the F*** didn’t he tell me?” “We don’t speak about it Tasneem, he didn’t even tell me himself. I… read his diary once. Only because every time he came back from his mother he would be so depressed. Then he would sniff coke and get messed up drunk”. He defended his actions. “That’s the reason that when he is with his mother I don’t call or contact him at all, I figure it’s shameful enough as it is”. I sat back down. I was trying to calm down. I did not know Saftee was capable of these deep feelings. Which led me to think about what had f**ked HIM up so badly. At that moment I didn’t actually care. I was so f**king angry. Angry at Jasons mother more than anyone else. Why the f**k did she do what she did? Why did she f**k my Jason up so badly. My precious baby. I wished I could have killed her right then and there. Why didn’t she just f**king kill herself, or find another f**king helpless boy to touch. Why was she so selfish? Maybe she was just as f**ked up as my mother was. I couldn’t stop crying. I wanted to go to him right then, to get him away from her. I told Saftee I needed to go. He felt sorry for me I guess, he just hugged me, didn’t even try and stop me. He probably thought I would just go home and cry. He held me for a good while. He was probably still going to find a girl to bang for the night. Can't go home alone again, need someone to numb the pain. I got into my car and immediately drove over to Jason’s house. His car was in the driveway. I banged on the door. Nobody answered. “Jason I know you’re in there open the f**king door”. I started screaming. I didn’t stop. I wasn’t going to leave until he came out. He opened the door. He wasn’t surprised. In fact there was no emotion on his face at all. He looked calm and collected, as he always did. “Tasneem this isn’t a good time, my mother is visiting”. I walked inside, I shoved past him. He tried to stop me, Without much force. There she was, standing in the doorway of his bedroom, dressed in a robe. I looked at her. She was beautiful, just as beautiful as Jason was. She was more beautiful than anyone I had ever seen in real life in fact. She looked at me with shame in her eyes. She better well f**king be ashamed, I thought. I looked at her with disgust. I couldn’t move. I turned to Jason, he just looked at me, still emotionless. I was crying again. I pulled him into me and just held him. I didn’t want to let him go. I wanted to keep him safe with me, safe in my arms forever. I knew I couldn’t protect him, I couldn’t keep him like this, in my arms forever. Eventually I had to let him go. I could ask him to come with me. To leave this life behind. To leave her behind. But deep down I knew, that unlike Saftee, he wouldn’t choose me…

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