Forever Waiting

Forever Waiting(Priyanka Shekar) Forever Waiting

I have given myself over into the hands of strangers, because it can’t be helped. – Margaret Atwood

Waiting
This is very strange indeed. How do I know if I’ve taken the right decision? Well, my brother told me I should go with these two men. So I am. He says they will help me escape. Remembering how my treacherous journey started makes it easier to get on with things now I guess. Rebel is what I was… Maybe I still am in some ways. Faith is what helped me get through the tough times in Gilead. Belief is what was and will forever push me. It’s hard to understand why this happened to me, but I guess all I can do now is reminisce about the good days. That seems simple right? However, for me ‘happiness’ is an emotion which I have forgotten.
I still remember how it all started; my brother and I were very close, so when he just finished university, father let us go abroad for a week. Just the two of us. Little did I know that this week would last forever…

Life Changing Experience
We had been hiking five hours straight trying to find a café or diner. I leaned against Dale as we tramped along the muddy path.
“Don’t worry” He said, “We’ll find a place to eat soon but for now we can-”
He stopped walking and was completely motionless. I looked in the direction in which Dale was staring. That’s when I saw a military tank. You’d think that meant we’d be safe; but no. There was something very strange about the atmosphere. Something not quite right.
I tugged at Dale’s shoulder, “Let’s turn back now.” He nodded slightly but just as he started to step back, his face went pale and he began to sprint in the opposite direction. He beckoned me to follow, signalling with a hand gesture.
“Dale!” I raced after him gripping onto my bag. I lost sight of him as he ran faster but I kept running. I kept running until I reached a dead end filled with bushes. I looked around, alarmed. “Dale where are you?” I cried out. Just then, I felt a tug on my bag and I was forced down into the bushes.
I was aware it would be dangerous for me to scream (even though I was terrified). So I looked behind me to see what pulled me down. It was Dale. “Thank God!” I hugged him so tight I couldn’t breathe myself.
“Be quiet, will you?” whispered Dale. Although his tone was hushed, I could hear panic in his voice.
I took a deep breath, let go of my brother and tried to calm myself down as I squatted uncomfortably beside him.
“You scared the shit out of m-”
“Shush,” Dale put his clammy hand over my mouth and nodded his head towards the gate. The feel of his hand reminded me of its sweatiness back when we used to arm wrestled at school; and he always let me win.
Dale slowly released his grip. “Look!” he said. I followed his gaze. It was hard to tell what exactly I was supposed to be looking at, through the cold mist. I still don’t understand whether it was the evening breeze and my gloomy surroundings that sent a chill down my spine. Or was it when my eye caught sight of four figures? They each appeared to be carrying weapons of some sort; guns.
“I saw them run this way,” one of them shouted to the other three. All four of them then spaced out around the field.
It was when the passing breeze brushed against my face that I realised my nose was tingling. I looked up at Dale, sniffing. He just stared into my eyes and although he didn’t say a word I knew he wanted me to hold it; but I couldn’t.
“Atchoo!”
Suddenly there were lights everywhere; I could feel myself burning up. I looked at Dale, he kissed my forehead and told me to just stay put. Then he walked into the field with his hands up behind his head.
“I am sorry I intruded. Could you please tell me where I am?”
I didn’t take my eyes of my brother for one second as those men with guns marched towards him. One man pinned Dale to the ground while another took his bag, emptied its contents and threw it into a nearby pond.
It was only when I saw the man throw the bag into the pond that I noticed the other two men were nowhere around. I wanted to lean forward to get them in my view if I could. I let go of the twigs. They pinged back abruptly, causing the motion sensor lights to start flashing (which they did whenever there was an intruder)…
Entering Gilead
The ropes were tight around my ankles and my wrists. The two men opened the back doors of what looked like a prison trailer. Everything was happening so quickly, it was such a blur. I still managed to notice how all of the men were around six feet tall and all had the same, stony expressions on their faces. Each one of them had a number tattooed on his neck.
Two of them had taken my bag, coat, shoes, socks and shirt. I was imagining the worst as they tore the jewellery from my ears and neck. I was scared they would take off my bra too, and then what would happen? But they didn’t. I looked at my brother as they lifted me up. His eyes were bloodshot and he was crying. “Get off her!” as they tossed me into the back of the trailer, like a piece of meat.
We looked at each other and I knew he was trying to call my name, but he couldn’t. We watched each other and I knew this could be the last time I ever saw him. We stared at each other, until the trailer doors closed.
They untied the rope from around my ankles. We approached a bright, white building with creepers sprawled across the side wall. The man who took me to the front door, said “Wait here,” and marched back to the trailer and drove away. I took this opportunity to try to struggle my wrists free of the ropes, but to no avail.
The doors opened slowly and a tall, model - like, woman stood in front of me. She had blonde hair, slightly lighter to mine, a dimple on one cheek and an obvious fake smile. She wore a red satin dress with lace embroidery on the border.
“Welcome to Gilead dear. I see the guards have brought you here safely. My name is Marker Sarah. Please follow me.”
She was kidding right? ‘Brought me here safely?!’ She didn’t seem to be bothered that I wasn’t wearing a top, that I was cold or that my ankles were bleeding from the ropes. We walked through a plain, white corridor which seemed to be going on forever, with the same grey door every three meters or so.
We finally halted at one of the grey doors and Marker Sarah asked me to go inside. As I did, she closed the door and was gone. Suddenly a loud, monotone voice filled the atmosphere.
“Name.”
I swallowed back the fear and answered, “Kate Woodley.”
“Age.”
“seventeen.”
“Virgin.”
“Um, yes.”
Just then the lights turned on and instead of seeing a small, dingy room for me, I was shocked to see a huge hall, full of women like me. One of them threw me a grey dress and told me to put it on.
“I’m Rebecca by the way. This is the Grey Centre, don’t express any emotion here” I stepped back a little and she gently placed her hand on my shoulder. “Don’t worry; I’ll take care of you Kate,” she whispered into my ear.
That first week in Gilead was surreal. We weren’t allowed to do anything! I certainly wasn’t used to that. One night I slipped out of the room and past the markers. I walked bare foot across the hall, the marble tiles cold against my skin. As I approached a turn I heard mumbling. I leaned against the wall and peered around. It was marker Sarah talking to the commander. I knew I best go back to the room before she catches me.
I turned back and ran to the room. But how would I get in without the Markers realising I ever left? I took a chance and opened the door and snuck in. Inevitably Marker Sarah was right behind me. I turned to face her and before I knew it she struck me across the face with her cane. She grabbed my arm and yanked me towards the door. I slipped and fell onto the floor, but she just dragged me. I could feel the heat of the carpet burn against my leg. We reached the door and she pulled me up.
Rebecca ran to the door and told Marker Sarah to leave me. But obviously, she was ignored. I reached out my hand to hers but it was twisted behind my back immediately. Marker Sarah looked at me. Her eyes piercingly evil. Her nails dug into my arms as she pushed me along the hall. The blisters on my feet were painful, but not as painful as where we were heading. The commanders’ room. Marker Sarah tied a blindfold around my eyes as the door opened and she told the commander that I heard their conversation then threw me into his room.
I knew no one could help me at that point. The commander didn’t say a word. He just pulled me into the room, stripped me completely and began the punishment. Rape.
I felt his hands slide up the sides of my waist. He pressed his lips against my mid drift then moved to my neck and then he kissed me, properly. His lips were soft, like silk. Nothing like how I expected them to be. His hands stroked my breasts, thighs and arms. He lifted me so I was sitting up. He hugged me, ran his fingers through my hair and breathed into my neck. Then, suddenly, he got up.
I felt some cloth on my lap and realised it was my dress. I put on the dress as fast as possible.
“Now get out you swine!” The commander gripped my hair and threw me out of the room.
I took of the blindfold, turned and saw Marker Sarah smiling at me just as she did the first day I met her. Smiling as if all that just happened was completely normal.
“Kate dear. It is time to leave.” I followed Marker Sarah out of the building.

Still Waiting
I’ve got chills now. Every time I remember it.
I don’t know what is going to happen to me now. Waiting here all alone with no one but two men outside my cart. I’m waiting for Dale, he helped me escape Gilead. But he got caught. I hope he will manage to run back to me soon. All I can do now is think back over and over again about my life in Gilead. There are too many memories which need to be forgotten. But it’s not that easy.
I turn on the light in the cart and find a book to read. The final page is wet and now blurry, so like my life, I guess I will never know if the ending will be happy or sad.
Should I sleep now? No. I’ll wait.