To Juliette

To Juliette(Joe) I am Berrigan. She is Juliette. Blumentritt is the host of the party.

We stand there together, in the freezing cold and light drizzle. The clouds are low, and moving fast, causing the trees to dance in the wind. It’s the perfect halloween night. The moon tries desperately to light up our moment, but only manages to illuminate her smiling face for a few brief seconds at a time. I had asked her to help me carry my stuff to my car, even though I easily could have handled it myself. I did that so that I might be presented an opportunity. I go in for a hug, and I feel her face pressed into my shoulder, I feel her shoulder blades, I feel her arms wrap around my waist and I feel her lacing her fingers together against my back. We both hold on for a beat longer than necessary. She is unbelievably warm. We both let go, but neither one of us takes a step back. I look into her wonderfully moonlit eyes and see mystery. I can’t decipher anything. At that moment I become aware of a feeling that’s been building inside all night. I sigh and close my eyes. Every inch of me is crawling. Every micrometer of me is tingling with desire. I just want to lean in and… I open my eyes. She is not smiling anymore. She looks a little concerned. She speaks softly, saying, “what’s the matter, Berrigan? You’re acting weird.” I groan. I lean against my car and close my eyes again. I say “I just… I don’t know.” I want to tell her everything. Every feeling. Every thought. How I want to provide for her, make her smile when she’s sad, pick her up when she’s down. I resist my urge to take her in my arms and kiss her. I have to be sure that’s what she wants. Because if it’s not, I need to get in my car and go. But I have no way of telling. A strand of hair falls across her face, blown by the wind. I open my eyes and look at her. I open my mouth to speak, but Blumentritt comes out and shows us some picture. I am very dismissive. I feel like an asshole. Then someone’s mom shows up and pulls into the driveway. Juliette walks away with Tommy, and I stand there, in an intellectual limbo. Nothing told me how to react in the situation I had just been in. My brain was saying no, my heart was saying yes, and I just stand there. I call goodnight to her. I stand there a second longer. I open my car door and climb into the cold interior. I ratchet my seat up, still in a daze. I see my coat in the passenger seat, which just ten minutes ago she was sleeping on. I remember the things she told me on the phone late at night. I remember the horrible things people had written to her under the pseudo-anonymity of that stupid as shit ask me a question website. How could anyone be that cruel? I reach over and grab my coat. I hold it to my face and I inhale deeply, and I catch her scent in my nostrils. I set it gingerly in the back seat. I throw my head back, hurting myself on the headrest. Damn me and my indecisiveness. What the hell is this feeling? Does everybody feel like this at some time or another? I press the key into the ignition and turn it quickly. I back down the driveway hesitantly. All I can think of is her deep, mysterious eyes. The smell of flowers. Wiping the blue hair dye off of her neck. I feel like a dick for the spider thing. I turn lazily as I reach the street, and stop for a second. I blank out. I reach up, pop my car into drive, and speed away. I get to the highway and turn right onto it without even looking to see if anybody was coming. I floor my gas pedal, and push ninety the whole way home. That night I didn’t sleep a wink, because I wouldn’t dare miss a call from her. I needed to hear her voice. I needed to hear your voice.