An impossible attraction

An impossible attraction(Mia) I have been thinking about you for days. It is almost like you are with me. I have conversations with you. I dream of meeting you in so many different situations. Yet when I do bump into you again, I know it will be nothing like in my daydreams. I will be the huge awkward turtle that I am and you will look at me with that curious yet painful look, wondering why. Why isn't she like all the rest; why is she making this so awkward for me.

I want to be the women on the arm of a man like you - you are confident, intelligent and handsome. I want to be your lady - the 'true lady' that you yourself said I was. What a compliment! You started this..I wish I never knew what you thought. What joy it brought me the day I was told what you thought of me. It made me want to be with you. I do not care that you are ten years older than I - I have been with older. I do not care you have a beer belly - that is how far gone I am. But I want it to be just us two, no one else in our lives.

What is wrong with me? I'm doomed! My life is doomed! I am in love with a 34 year old married man. He knows it - it's all over my face every time I talk to him. He probably thinks I'm crazy. Probably does not want anything to do with me. Or maybe he does? That thought. That one little poisonous thought has fueled my daydreams - what if? What if these thoughts have crossed his mind too? I know enough about men to know it takes great strength not to even entertain such a thought. It's human nature.

But what I'm feeling is human too. It is normal - attraction is normal - I'm not crazy. I have been trying to fight it every time I see you - once a week at uni. But the uni year is over, and I should be preparing for my exams right now. But thoughts of you have completely enveloped me these last few days. Will I stop and talk to you again when I see you - a chance meeting somewhere in the city perhaps? Or will I turn in my tracks and pretend I never saw you? You're not even that attractive! But that makes you even more attainable - this could actually happen! I'm insanely delusional! You are not thinking of me. You are not dreaming of me right now. You have your life and I have mine, and our paths may never cross again. But what would the chances be? Not low I fear - we live in a very small city.

I cannot fight this anymore - it is too powerful for me. You are just enough to admire and enough to pity - what an irresistible combination! You has undone me - so what? I am 24 - I'm allowed to be impressionable. I am dating a guy who is good for me / good to me - but it is nothing like you.

You. Who are you? How much of what I know about you is actually you and how much is the 'you' of my imagination? Could I ever get to know the real you without letting my imagination interfere? That is what I really wish for. To be free of my thoughts and assumptions. And if I should meet you again, allow myself to see the real you. I have spent too much time with a fictional character - my ideal guy? I am projecting all that I want right now in a man on you. You are not those things, and never will be! I don't know you.

Must stop this craziness - it is not good for me, or my relationship with you. I will just let this be what it is. What it truly is - nothing.