A Mother’s Lament

A Mother’s Lament(Cristelle Grenade) “He said it was love at first sight. He couldn’t help it, couldn’t stop talking about her. I would often catch him smiling at nothing, listening to love songs with a silly grin on his face.” She said staring down at her shivering hands. “Did you know he was only fifteen?” she asked expecting him to answer, but he looked at her behind his huge spectacles and nodded. So, she continued. “He was just a baby.” her voice cracked at the words and tears came prickling the back of her eyes. She inhaled a deep breath in order to get back in control of the emotions that were threatening to emerge to the surface. For a few seconds, it helped and she was back in control. Then, memories of him coming home, all happy and whistling, telling her about this girl he met, pushed her over the cliff and into a sea-load of unguarded emotions.

Dr Jennings reached for a box of tissue and handed it to her while her tears came cascading down her cheeks. No more holding back, she thought and dug for tissues. She then balled her hand into a fist, crushed the tissue and then lifted the heel of her palm to her hammering heart tapping the area with a fierce intensity all the while quipping within hiccups, “My! Baby!” as she sobbed. The tears blurred her vision while her chest ached at the loss of her son. The scene would have melted the coldest of heart. For a few minutes, she said no more. She made several attempts at wiping her eyes dry, sniffing and wiping her nose clean. Eventually, the tears ceased to pour down and she stared at a blank spot on the wall, her eyes empty and distant.

All this time, Dr Jennings’ eyes never left her. Not for a second. As the good psychiatrist that he was, he waited patiently for her to speak again. She couldn’t decide what to feel about being under his scrutiny. She felt the urge to ask him to stop looking at her, but she didn’t dare voice her thought. Instead, she let her mind wander; was he judging her right now? Was he thinking how bad a mother she was to her only son? Or may be he doubted the words coming out of her mouth? He wouldn’t be the first one if he did. But as a professional, he certainly could see the truth, couldn’t he? But what if he didn’t believe her? Then what? It’s not as if it mattered what he thought. He was paid to just listen to her after all. Anyway, it was not like she had something to loose. She’d already lost her reason to live. Her son. Her precious son! Her only son! Whether people thought it was her fault or not didn’t matter. Her son was gone and no amount of judgement would help bring him back.

“Jason was smart you know.” She resumed averting her gaze from the wall and lowering them to her trembling hands. “He made me proud.” She inhaled deeply to calm her racing heart, closed her eyes and swallowed a couple of times. And just like that, she was back taking a walk down memory lane.

It was at the start of a new school year. Jason had joined a science club at school as he did every year. You know being smart and all. And besides, he was a geek so it was kind of expected of him to join a science club. The members of the club were to meet twice a week to work on projects together with a group of teachers. That year, they extended the program by offering help with math and chemistry to students who needed to up their grades in one or both subjects. The members of the club were to help those students in acquiring better knowledge in the subject. That’s how they’ve met. Lilly and Jason.

Lilly Peterson!!
What could be said about her? Beautiful just didn’t cut it. No, no. She was – well – the epitome of a Victoria secret model or may be the vision of what a goddess would look like. She had long metallic-blond hair, china-blue eyes, skin like silk and a body to die for. To make matters more complicated for a shy, hormonal, nobody-pay-attention-to boy like Jason, she was the hot topic in every corner of the school building. She was in every boy’s wet dreams and every girl’s nightmare.

The day she’d entered the lab, Jason was star struck. At that moment, everything that mattered to him up to this point in time ceased to matter. Grades, college, scholarships, math, chemistry were all nothing, nada, nyet. Only Lilly existed. From that day forward, he ate and breathed Lilly. He worked his brain out into thinking how he would handle his new project. Lilly. Love. After all wasn’t love a chemical reaction? And wasn’t chemistry one of his forte? It should be like taking a walk in the park to get Lilly to go out with him.

Days went by and Jason was no closer at getting Lilly’s attention about anything other than her math challenges. And oh! He’d tried hard to get her attention. Very hard! In fact, he’d never had to work so hard at something before. He’d taken a week observing her, asking her question about herself, getting to know her; what made her tick? What she did for fun? Whether she liked animals or not? But her answers had been monosyllabic and the questions one-sided. Eventually, he’d had to admit his lack of genius on the matter of love, acknowledged he didn’t know much about love being a chemistry thing at all and asked for help instead.

“Max, I need to talk to you,” was his approached statement to his best friend at their usual lunch table.

Max and Jason grew up together; they became best friends in kindergarten ever since Max punched a kid on the playground for stealing Jason’s toy. Jason pledged his own loyalty to Max when he needed help of his own with a science project at grade school in which he was forced to participate. They’ve even made an official pledge of brotherhood and friendship by graving their names next to each other on an old oak tree in Jason’s parents’ backyard: _Jason + Max = brothers_ It was only natural that the one person he’d turned to for help was Max and he’d be there to listen and support as they vowed they’d do for each other.

“Yeah, Whatzup?” replied Max.

“Well….there is this…um…girl.” He said lowering his eyes, an obvious sign of his discomfort on the subject.

“Spit it out Jason. Who’s she?” And just like that Jason went about telling him about the girl of his dreams. How the sight of her made his pulse raised, his heart hammering in his chest and his stomach fluttered. How when she smiled at him and asked him gently to help her with whatever challenges she faced in algebra and brush-passed him in accident weakened his knees and legs making him reach out for a nearby chair and sank onto it, and how…”What’s her name?” Max cut in his litany.

“It’s…you know…” he hesitated. “Lil…um..Lilly Pet..”

“Get out! Lilly Peterson!” shouted Max.

“Hush!! Lower your voice. Jesus! Everybody will hear you.” Jason said raising a finger his mouth.

“No shit! Lilly! Like in hot, goddess, every-man’s dreams Lilly?” Jason nodded and Max continued his face shocked at this revelation. “I got to give it to you man. She is gorgeous. ”

“But… um… ” He said raising his forefinger and scratched the side of his temple. “Don’t get me wrong or anything. I mean…you are a genius and all, but..I don’t…. umm…think you’re her type dude. Are you sure you want to ask her out?” asked Max.

“What do you know about her type?” asked Jason defensively, disappointed that his best friend and brother would discourage him about something so important to him. Where was the support they vowed to give each other?

Max gaze lingered onto Jason’s face long enough to register his disappointment before dropping his gaze on the food tray in front of him and said, “you’re right, I’m sorry. I don’t know her type. You should…..you should go for it. Ask her out. Hopefully, she’d say yes.”

“You think?” shouted Jason in excitement before immediately calming down embarrassed, “um… I mean…do you really think there’s a possibility there?”

“Yes, I do. Who knows may be she has a soft spot for geeks no one knows about. Nobody goes screaming, “I like a geek” in high school. Something about being cool, keeping up appearance and all that shit you know.” he winked at Jason who smiled and nodded. He then picked up his food tray in one hand and gestured a fist bump to Jason with the other waiting for him to ditto. A few seconds later, he clumsily did. “Dude, you’re the smartest kid I know who can’t master a simple fist bump properly.” they laughed before they parted ways.

It took a few weeks for Jason to come up with a plan on how to go about asking Lilly to go on a date with him. After much thinking and pacing to and fro the corners of his room, he settled into marching up to her front door and ask her then and there, while she stood on the threshold, if she would consider going on a date with him, assuming of course she didn’t slam the door in his face before he had the chance to utter a single word.

He called Max to talk to him about the plan he came up with, but couldn’t reach him. He waited a few minutes for him to call back and after half and hour when he didn’t call back he called him again only to be greeted by his voicemail. Knowing Max, he was probably with a girl. Girls liked him for his good looks, and he took advantage of that as often as the occasion presented itself on legs and a pair of boobs. He changed girls like he changed socks, unlike Jason who every weekend had a date with his computer and science book.

An hour later, Jason saw no need to call him again. Instead, he called a member of the geek club and a hacker at best, and asked him if he could come up with Lilly’s address before he cowered. The guy was a genius of a hacker; he hooked Jason with Lilly’s address five minutes after hacking into the town’s registry. Jason thanked him and was immediately after on his way to Lilly’s house.

On his way there, he couldn’t stop smiling at thin air and replaying possible scenes in his mind at what could occur once Lilly opened the door and saw him. Would she close it right back in his face? Would she smile at him and tell him how happy she was to see him? Would she be shocked? Would she laugh in his face and humiliate him?

Not long after, he found himself in front of her house. He took a minute to calm his heart now racing in anticipation, and gathered himself before working up the courage to march up the stairs to the front door. Once there, he quickly spotted the doorbell. He raised his index finger about to press on it when the door suddenly opened and the sight that greeted him left him speechless. Of all the scenarios he’d been thinking on his way there, this one was far from his mind. At first he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Then, he shook his head, closed and opened his eyes several times and hoping that maybe…just maybe he was dreaming. But soon, he realized what he was seeing was real and his body started tensing. His mouth turned into an O, obviously words lingering on the tip of his tongue but wouldn’t come out, which made him even angrier. His body grew rigid, his hands clenched into fists and his nails bored into his palm draining the blood from his hands. He managed to close his mouth and clenched his teeth together bringing the muscles in his jaw to tighten. It took a moment for Max to register Jason’s presence at the door, but then again he was busy pushing his tongue down Lilly’s throat to notice his former best friend and brother. Suddenly, the gravity of Max’s betrayal became more apparent to him. He’d not only lost a girl he’d never had in the first place, but he’d also lost his best friend and brother. He felt his heart sinking, his stomach clenching, and a sudden onset of nausea overwhelmed him.

When their gazes finally met though, it was too late. Jason’s body was fuelling, his eyes protruding, threatening “bloody murder!” He had to get out of there, or else he’d….he’d….he’d… he’d what? He couldn’t bring himself to say the words. Somehow he was able to dislodge his feet from the stairs and started running. He heard Max calling his name into the distance, but he ignored him. On his way home, he played the scenario he’d just witnessed in his head over and over again. The further he got from Lilly’s house, the angrier he became at Max betrayal on repeat in his head.

Soon after, he burst into the door of his house, slamming it so hard stunning his mother in the process who’d never seen him so angry before. He ran upstairs ignoring her plea to tell her what was going on, and locked his bedroom door before sinking into his mattress and beating the shit out of the pillow all the while imagining it to be Max. “How could he? We swore to never go Judas on each other. He knew what she meant to me. Why. Why. Why?” He shouted aloud anger reeking out of his body like steam from the ear of a cartoon character.

“People said I should have foreseen it you know. They said I’m his mother and I should have seen the signs.” She looked intensely at Dr Jennings as if willing him to say otherwise, to contradict what people in her community were saying about her, to tell her that she couldn’t have done anything to save him, but he didn’t say a word. He just waited for her to continue her monologue.

“I don’t blame them you know. I guess as his mother I should have been paying more attention.” She paused, took a sip from the glass of water Dr Jennings’ assistant had given her upon her arrival at his office forty-five minutes ago. Then, she once again close her eyes and remembered the time she’d last spoke to her son.

The phone had been ringing incessantly for hours. Max was trying to reach Jason on his cell to no avail. Eventually, he’d called the house. “Hello.”

“Hello Mrs. Todd. It’s Max. May I speak to Jason please?”

“He isn’t feeling well Max. I don’t know if he’ll come to the phone. Wait a second, I’ll go ask him,” replied Maria Todd and marched upstairs with the phone in hand.

She paused in front of Jason’s room, knocked lightly on the door. “Jason darling, Max’s on the phone and wish to speak with you.” she waited a moment for him to answer, but nothing. “Jason please baby, open the door.” She tried again. Still no answer. She knocked a little harder, “Jason!” still nothing. She sighed, then pressed the phone to her ears and said, “I’m sorry Max, he can’t come on the phone right now. May be you could try later?”

“Ok, Mrs Todd. I will.” he hang up.

Later that same day, Max called several times and Jason would still not speak with him. He called again and again and eventually came by the house to see him, but still no sign of Jason ever wanted to see or speak to Max. Maria Todd was at a lost. She didn’t know what to do and did nothing. She thought he might come out of his room when he was ready. Little did she know, that such a simple act would turn her life into a nightmare and lend her on the psychiatrist’s couch.

“I should have asked Max you know.” Maria said to Dr Jennings, regret shadowing her face. “I should have asked him whether he knew what happened to Jason. Why Jason didn’t want to talk to him or anyone else for that matter? Why he refused to go to school, eat or talk? Some….somehow… I did..n’t.” she said her chin quivering at the realisation of yet another thing he could have done that could have saved her son.

She wiped her tears, drew a deep breath and looked at the clock. The session was almost over. She’d been in the doctor’s office for over fifty minutes and he hadn’t said a word since she started talking. He’d not even diverted his gaze elsewhere. His body didn’t show signs of boredom at all or judgement, but what did she know? She hadn’t been a good judge of character. She’d let her son down by misinterpreting his isolation for him wanting to be left alone. She thought he’d come out and talk to her when he was less hurt, less angry. Instead he’d ki… She couldn’t even bring herself saying the words.

“Do you blame yourself Maria?” Dr Jennings asked for the first time during the session.

For a moment, she was so stunned that he’d regain his vocal function that she didn’t immediately answer him. Then, when it dawned on her what he’d asked, she took a moment to think. She turned her head toward the window, her eyes dully and intensely focusing on the beautiful sunset casting a golden glow over the city. Sunset used to give her a sense of calm and made her feel at peace within herself. She used to watch the sunset with Jason. But now… well now, it just didn’t possess the ability to appease her mind anymore. Now guilt ran riots through her. Now, violent thoughts flashed in her mind like bullets to her heart. She might as well put a gun to her head and end her agony right this moment, cause she was suffering. She was badly wounded and soon she’d collapse and die. Nothing and no one could appease her mind. The light of her life was gone and took with him the soothing essence of the sunset.

“Blame myself?” she said turning to the good doctor now. “What do you think Dr Jennings?” she shouted. “I’m his mother! He was my responsibility! He was just a Babyyyyy….” stressing on the last word while she sobbed. “I. Was. The. Adult. Guilt! Blame! Welllll… those are not strong enough words Dr Jennings. Not strong enough to describe how I feel right now.

But yes! Blame is part of it. I blame myself every seconds of every day. I feel guilty for not breaking down the door and demand he talk to me. I should have asked Max about what happened…. oh God! He’d called so many times. I had plenty of opportunities to talk to him about it. Oh god! Oh no! No! What have I done to save my son huh? Nothing…not a single thing…”she cried her heart shattered like countless pieces of glass. “My life is all about “I should, I should, I should….” she repeated punching her fists to the sides of her temple as if she was desperate to extract whatever demons were tormenting her mind. “So many “I should….” what can I do now? It’s too late. So tell me Dr Jennings how do someone go on after that?”

Dr Jennings rose from his chair and came over to the chaise longue and held her hands to her sides putting an abrupt halt to her self-destructive punches. “Maria…” he said softly. “Maria…” he repeated when she didn’t respond.

She raised her head sluggishly until she came face to face with him. “Do you know how I found him?” she asked. When he didn’t respond she continued, “When he didn’t came down to dinner as he always did, I went up to his room with a food platter. Knocked on his door and called his name again. When he didn’t answer I absentmindedly tucked at the doorknob and it gave away. Can you believe that? He never locked the door! Why couldn’t I try the door earlier? If I’d done that he might be still alive today.” She cried.

Maria Todd found his son that night lying in the bathtub surrounding in a pool of his own blood mixed with water. She later found out about what drove Jason to this madness when she finally gathered the courage to do what she should have done earlier; asking Max about the feud between them.

“Maria?”

“Yes Dr Jennings I know. It’s my fault. And it’s ok. Really it’s fine. I don’t blame you for thinking like the rest of them people out there. It is my fault why else would I feel guilty?” But still deep down a part of her wanted him to contradict her. She wanted to blame him for not saying the words she most desperately needed to hear. The words that might be her salvation, the words that; if they were sincere and repeated again and again might convince her of their truthfulness. God, for her own sanity she needed him to say that it wasn’t her fault, she couldn’t have done anything and She shouldn’t blame herself.

Her eyes bored into his, piercing the overlayered worries they portrayed at the moment to look deeper. But that was all she saw. Worries. If he thought she was to blame or not, she couldn’t deciphered any sign to attest to it.

“Maria. it’s….” he began to address her when a sudden buzz on the intercom put a stop to what he was about to say and the voice of his assistant announced, “Dr Jennings your next appointment is here.”