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- Story Listed as: Fiction For Adults
- Theme: Science Fiction
- Subject: Creatures & Monsters
- Published: 03/25/2015
Do you know the way to San Jose
Born 1951, M, from Wilmington NC, United StatesI know it was ridiculous. I mean you stop to pick up a hitchhiker, that in the dark, just looked tall and skinny. You fling open the door, and then realize it is NOT a tall skinny guy. It is a tall skinny alien. He doesn’t get in your car, as much as he folds in like a cricket. His green shiny bullet shaped head, with no hair, no fur, but- at least: two eyes, a nose, and a mouth, are just different enough to make your hair stand up on the back of your neck, but doesn’t make that little man in your brain go screaming for its mommy. No matter what you think you might say, or do, with as an Alien folds itself into your car…you’d be wrong. Especially if the first thing you heard him say was:
“Do you know the way to San Jose?” With a clipped British accent.
I don’t know what you would say. I know what I did say.
“San Jose? JustI-15 South to I-5 North, can’t miss it.”
“Is it far?”
“From here? Maybe Four hundred some miles. Eight or nine hours.”
The Green head swiveled- it did’t turn, it didn’t lean towards me. It simply rotated like like a gun turret. Those eyes looked right at me.
“Would you take me there? I have money.”
With that, he pulled out from a pocket somewhere on that skinny frame a wad of bills that would have choked a horse. It was all $100 bills, and must have been six inches thick.
“Is this enough? I have more.”
Well, if you are meeting an Alien on a desert road, and maybe the first human he has seen, well, you don’t want to scam him and leave a bad impression. My mom’s words came back to me: “ Kevin, treat folks like you want to be treated, and you will get along well.”
I looked at the wad of money. Mom won.
“Look buddy, I don’t know where you are from, but counting gas and getting some food, and maybe some money for my time, won’t cost more than two hundred dollars.”
The Alien smiled.
“You had a good Mom.”
You could have knocked me over with one of his skinny arms. Like I said, you might have acted differently than me, or maybe said something different, maybe I was in shock, I don’t know. But it was like talking with a friendly guy at a bar. So, I said:
How about you? Did you have a good Mom?”
“Oh Yes. Several of them. All doing fine. “
“Oh. You…um….err….have more than one Mom?”
“Well on my planet, we have only one Father, but four Mothers. Each Mother carries us for about three of your Earth months, and then we are raised by our Dads, under the Supervision of Four Mothers. “
I chuckled.
“Bet you didn’t get away with much.”
I swear, as God is my witness, he laughed.
“No, I certainly did not.” And he laughed again.
I was enjoying his company-if he was a he. He seemed like one, but it sounded kind of cheesy to ask what he was. So, I didn’t.
“I can take you to San Jose, but it is going to be light in about four hours, and well, people will notice you…you being green, and bullet headed, and all. “
“Oh, No. No one will see me. The only one that can see me- is you. I have a cloaking device that makes me invisible to anyone looking in the car. I will let you order the food, and we will eat in the car.”
“Okay. Where are you from.”
“Vegas.”
He said it so seriously, it didn’t dawn on me he was joking for a second.
“Is that Vegas…or VEEGAS…like a different planet or star or something?”
He laughed.
“Well, technically I am from a planet you couldn’t pronounce, but I spent about fifty years in New Mexico, when my ship broke, and then they moved me to Area 51, and then got me some nice digs in Vegas. I can change my appearance if I like, but it is easier to just be me, and use the cloaking device when I travel.”
“Wait, you don’t look anything like those Aliens at Roswell!”
“Oh, I know. But it was the best I could come up with at the time. You know, I had just crashed landed, and let me tell you, your ranchers tend to shoot first, and then ask if you come in peace. LOL I just changed my appearance to look , well, more Alien.”
I looked over at him.
“More Alien?”
He laughed.
“Touche.”
“How come you haven’t gone back …home?”
His head swivveled again.
“I am finishing up my studies.”
“What are you studying?”
“Other species. In this case, Humans. Nothing like you guys in the Galaxy. I am going to graduate with honors. You guys need a lot more studying. “
And he laughed again.
“Well, how do you live here? I mean where did you get that money, and won’t they be looking for you?”
“Oh, I have plenty of money. They give it to me all the time for ideas. You know, the microwave, velcro, Apple computers, the Internet. “
“Those are from you?”
“Well, I kinda find your best people and …supply an idea or two, and they take it from there.”
“Wow. Well what did you give us that you are proudest of?”
“Pixar.”
“Really?”
“Yep. To Infinity and Beyond. I love that. Don’t tell me that you haven’t noticed that Woody and I, have the same basic body?”
I looked over at him.
“Yep. I can see that. What have we given you, I mean other than something to study.”
“Oh, lots of things. You guys are amazing. “
“Well, give me an example.”
“You.”
“Me?”
“Yes. You.”
“Why me, I am just a guy.”
He smiled.
“Yes. Just a guy. A guy who picked up an Alien, refused to take more money than was necessary, and is taking the time to make sure the Alien feels comfortable, and you are taking your time to drive me all the way to San Jose.”
“That’s not amazing. I mean, anyone would jump at the chance to talk to an Alien for several hours, and get paid for it.”
“No, Kevin. You are wrong. Most people would freak out. They would be in shock. Or they would have tried to rob me, kidnap me and sell me for a science project, or try to become famous for having “found” me. You just want to hang out. Amazing.”
“Well, I will freak out later. But, how did you know I wouldn’t freak out as soon as you got in the car.”
“Well, you did have a great Mom.You are to polite to freak out in front of guests.”
I laughed.
“What do we do when we get to San Jose?”
“That depends.”
“On what?”
“On whether you want to go further.”
“Like where San Francisco?”
“No. I am meeting up with some friends in San Jose. Maybe you would like to come to my planet for a bit.”
I was quiet.
“You would be fine. I mean the women will be all over you, since you are so exotic and smell so good. “
“What do you mean, smell so good?”
“Well, we have a very refined sense of smell, and to us, most humans smell like cinnamon with a touch of ginger. It is very pleasant.”
“You mean we don’t stink?”
“Well your societies stink, but you all smell good.”
We both laughed.
“How long would I be gone. I mean, you say you have been here fifty years or more, and you don’t look old. Fifty years from now, and I will be an old old man, or dead.”
“Well, I would advise staying at least a year…and no , you wouldn’t age. We can take care of that. I mean really, Kevin, if we can cloak ourselves from any direction in a moving car, how hard can it be to keep a young man - young?”
“Well, you aren’t going to eat me or something when we get there?”
“I wish that Cook Book Episode had never been written.”
I laughed.
“No. We won’t eat you. I have been asking folks along this road here to go to my planet so many times, I have almost given up hope. You seem to be my best chance so far. You aren’t freaking out. You are talking to me as an equal, and you have kept the car on the road while we talk. Most of the time I have to keep the car from smashing into something, and treat the driver of shock, and erase his memory. You, well…look at you. You think this is neat.”
“Okay, I’ll go.”
I smiled. Because, well, I knew I would go. I mean, another planet? Who wouldn’t go.
His head swiveled again. He was smiling.
“You won’t forget this. And when you come back I shall give you a bit of our technology to start your life up again. “
“Cool. You mean like the cell phone, or the microchip, or the personal computer?”
“Oh, much better. Something that will make you a rich man on Earth. Really rich.”
“Like what?”
“ The cure to male pattern baldness.”
I stared at him.
He smiled back.
“Holy crap. I will be a billionaire.”
“Probably. Better buy your Mom a house.”
I smiled. Do you know the way to San Jose? I do.
The end.
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