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- Story Listed as: Fiction For Adults
- Theme: Love stories / Romance
- Subject: Death / Heartbreak / Loss
- Published: 11/06/2015
The Other Self
Born 1991, M, from New Delhi, IndiaWhat is life?
Is it just a collection of thoughts, our memories that make us; that shape our existence? Or it is just a word to give us purpose, a meaning to our existence. The real us may not be the one we are familiar with. What we see and what we interpret makes us who we are. Our real self depends on us; depends on how we perceive the events going on around us. How we sense things and how we feel shapes us into what we are.
But how do we do this? How does our mind make choices, moreover what makes us believe that we are doing the right thing? It is possible that we are living in an illusion ‘A world created by our minds’? Do we live in the real world or just in an illusion of the real world that is fabricated by our minds? Why not? A single event is perceived differently by different people, that too in such a way that each one feels that their version is correct. In the midst of these they forget what really happened and begin to live in their own truths. If that is so then we sure have memories; but those memories are nothing more than our interpretations of an event which occurred in the past. If they are unreliable, biased or even distorted, then how do we know the absolute truth?
All these thoughts come to the mind of a young man. Vivek was just 22 years old but there was something wrong with him. A few months ago he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctors gave him only a year to live but that too was 6 months ago. The news changed him a lot, turned him more mature, he became serious and forced him to view a different outlook of life.
This man; poor soul was already alone in the world. His parents died in a car crash when he was just 10 years old. He was then brought up by their honest servant who treated him as his own son. Although financially the servant had nothing but the boy was left a lot of inheritance and so he had nothing to worry about. Alas fate has something else stored for him. It is seen that good days never last. The servant too died of a heart attack when the boy was 19 years old.
He was all alone then. All that was with him was his memories. He did not care for wealth, as he had a lot. All he wanted was to look at the world to understand it; but his recent diagnosis had made it impossible to do so.
After his servants death he thought of travelling the world, in search of purpose; in search of hope. He needed something that would provide him a new reason to live on. With this intent, he left his college at the age of nineteen after getting his bachelor’s degree in chemistry and left his hometown in search of a purpose to live on. In his travels he met many new people; each with different personalities. Some were interesting but most of the others were simply boring. They just went on with their life not thinking about anything meaningful. Their entire motto was to eat and survive.
In Hindi there is a phase 'roti, kapda and makaan', which means all they need is food, clothes and a roof over their heads. Life is all that to them. They do not think of any higher purpose. He often wondered how and why they would not think. Why would they just keep pushing their life rather than feeling it? Maybe they just weren't smart enough. He began to despise such people. During these travels he improved his observational skills. He began noticing people, made deductions regarding their behavior. Eventually he was getting good at it. He could tell the correct nature of a person just by looking at their behavior. He began to enjoy it. Observing others was so much fun that he often did it with all the people.
For the next three years he traveled to different parts of India, interacted with all kinds of people, and learned their culture. He was enjoying it but it was fate that was not satisfied with him. On his 22nd birthday he felt sick, upon check-up, he was found to have terminal lung cancer. He was shocked as he had no idea how he could have got it. The doctors gave him only a year to live. This started a new phase of his life. Although at that time he was emotionally stronger, his thoughts slowly began to change. As the months went by he was getting physically weaker. Emotionally, his mind was breaking down; he was having a hard time getting a grip on reality. The mere thought that he would be dead within the next few months crushed him. It was indeed true; he really was going to die. Although he was happy that least he got time to prepare for the ultimate truth. Physically he was getting weaker to continue his travels. Slowly, he accepted his fate and decided to go back to his hometown, Delhi. He just had 8 months left on his clock and so decided to return home and die in his own house. Knowing one’s own death brings great changes upon oneself. He thought he would pass away quietly in the comfort of his own house.
Initially it was fine but, as time passed he was getting very lonely there. He was accustomed to have people around him, those he could observe. He wanted to have those moments back, but it was not possible if he would stay inside his room all day. He tried going out but that too did not satisfy him. He needed to observe the same people for a number of days to truly understand them, but in the market he would meet only strangers every day.
Depressed he sat at home looking at his old files and certificates. In them he saw his Bsc degree and realized that he was eligible for admission to msc. He thought that this would indeed solve all his problems; he would make friends that he could observe and satisfy his desire to understand people. After much thought; he decided to pursue his Msc. degree. In that way he would at least be in company of others during his last days. He was smart and so he was able to clear a written entrance exam with 149 marks out of 300 and was eligible for admission. Thus he began the journey to the end of his days in the chemistry department of Delhi University.
On his very first day of classes, he was quiet; all he wanted to do was to observe others. The class was his playground; he was the lone wolf ready to stalk his prey. He occupied his seat at the last bench so that he could see everyone. He tried to observe his new fellow classmates. Surprised, He found that most of them were childish, stupid and uncaring about the reality of the world surrounding them. They too were like the ones he despised, sad, uncaring and totally materialistic. In the modern world materialism is realism, spiritualism is often considered idiotic. All that matter to people is money, power and most importantly respect from other people. Some were dominating, they liked to tear the flesh of the weak ones, grabbing and twisting their minds, seeking domination. They were all about 21-24 years of age, pretty young and mostly none of them were innocent. Perhaps very few might have been spiritual who cared about the true feelings of life but it was harder to spot such people.
In today's world even little kids are not free of pride and ego. Nobody has the true innocence of a child anymore. Why do they behave like his? What can't they see the absolute truth. Instead of serving oneself, people should look at the collective well being, but it seems such a theory in unachievable in modern society where everyone is a hypocrite. Most people do not think with their hearts but with their material brain and hence were not capable enough to see the truth. Back at his class he found that most of the students who were like this were toppers from their respective colleges and hence were full of confidence. Maybe some of them were serious but most others were just too childish and overconfident.
Among them there were also others, idiots who in fact knew absolutely nothing, but tried to impress others, thereby posing as geniuses. Oddly, enough people believed them. The world is full of idiots, how can they survive. This is yet again another classic example of material persona. Lie to others and to self in order to gain respect in society. These idiots are so consumed within their own lies that they too start to believe in them. He was furious within his mind. All he wanted to do was to go ahead and place a very nice high five on their face in order to show the amount of respect they deserve. But he knew that it was an integral part of modern society and hence cannot be abolished. Also he had no business with them, all he wanted was to be neutral to everybody as they all are well justified within their own minds. Everyone is doing the right thing in their own minds. These people have no greater purpose, all they have are social skills, and they show great respect to others but only to take advantage of them later. People mostly girls often fall prey to them and begin to trust them. But some girls, smart enough to see through them, would gladly act the part and use him to play their own game and take advantage of these special people.
This was indeed true and quite hilarious. When will both of them learn? The true treasures of life are those few really good friends that one could count upon, share one’s feelings and attain trust in every sphere of life. All of these which seem scarce in today’s world. Here everyone has their own agenda, their own motive. Here people don't help one another, they use one another. The strong ones dominate the weak. In today's world the only thing people observe are someone's outer appearance, the way they behave. Nobody cares about anyone's feelings. They too think nobody would understand them and hence bottle up their true self and act as a completely different human being. That too for making friends, fake friends that they believe to be true.
Apart of them there were another category of people out there. These ones which can be considered the lesser of the two evils present in that class. He was in fact most pleased with this type. These are the ones that showed part of what they really were, a part of their true self. Even though they thought of themselves before but at least they cared little bit about others. This is a virtue which is normally unseen in today's era. 'Service before self ‘should be our motto, their version of this can be called ‘Self before Service' in today's form is still better than 'self service before anyone else' which most people follow today.
He made a few friends that day. These guys were from the same college and so knew each other well. Friendship with one led to friendship with the whole group. These guys were different from the rest. Although they too lived for their own self but they behaved just as they were. No one was a show off, felt like he found himself in each one of them. It was perhaps that or he had not been in the company of good people for all these years. Anyway, he loved being friends with them, tried to know their true self. But this time he didn't try hard enough as he feared of learning something that he would not like. So he stopped deducing them as he was not ready to face another betrayal during his end days. He accepted them for what they are, in order to avoid losing them.
Apart from these guys there was one other special person he wanted to know. It was a just a girl but just a mere sight of her would make him forget all his pains; he would drift away into another world, a world where there is no sadness, where he felt free. He fell in love with her at first sight. Her mere name made him feel alive, gave him a reason to live for. He felt happy when he talked to her; although normal chitchat; that too once. Still it meant a great deal to him.
Sadly all of this was in his heart; he had no idea what was in hers. She seemed friendly to him but so was she to others, was it because it was in her nature? If so how would he know? He was afraid to share his feelings with her as he had no idea how would she react. Also he knew that if they would be in a relationship, it would not matter as he only had 6 months to live. Imagine the pain going through his heart, the tendency to be with her along with knowing the fact that it would never happen so.
As the days went by, he felt pain with each passing second. He used to observe her in the class, her smile, her hair, her face. He could feel the emotions behind her expressions; he would feel happy when she smiled, sad when she frowned. She was the only inspiration that made him come to class every day. He knew his feelings were meaningless but he couldn't control them. He was like a slave of his own thoughts.
Was it love? Or did he just create a lie in his mind. He didn't know whether he actually liked her or his mind just fabricated a lie. He tried analysing his feelings and found that there was no logical explanation of him falling in love with her. They were just not meant to be. If that was so...Why would he like her? She was not even smart. A guy like him could have a much smarter girl than her but why her? It didn't make any sense. Was it possible that his mind was playing a trick on him?
Days passed but he could get her out of his head. He never talked to her but he felt that their minds were connected. He was smart too and hence could figure out what she was thinking at any time. He wanted to talk to her but he feared the worst. He wanted to know her, understand her, be with her but lacked the courage to do so. His mind was sharp so he invented new ways to know her. He used to see her every day in class, even check her facebook page to learn more about her. He would download her photos and edit them to make them prettier. He made an album of her photos. Found her phone number and would stare at her whatsapp dp. It was kind of creepy but it was all that he could do. His heart was no longer his own. He never shared his feelings with anybody; hence his friends had no idea what was going on in his mind.
All these emotions building up in his mind; but there was no way he could confess his feelings. He could only think of the pain both of them would endure after his death. Hence he buried his pain in his chest looked away, his heart crying out for love only to be ignored.
He was fed up of his condition. He knew he acted like a stalker even if he didn’t want to. He can’t confess his love and hence crushed it. To understand his confused feelings he began researching on love. What love actually is? How can one fall in love? The closest logical explanation of his situation he could come out is as follows:
He was quiet and hence cannot express his feelings to others. Apart from that he had seen so much in his life that his inner most feelings were been suppressed by his conscious mind. Hence he has no idea of what he truly wants as he cannot access his innermost feelings. As a result his conscious mind fabricates a new personality that now controls his behaviour. This is all because men are rational beings. They need logic to survive, he couldn't realize his actual feelings hence his mind created a new personality within him with a set of artificial feelings that would help him live a logical life. It was kind of a split personality disorder but the main difference from it is that, in this case the real he is trapped within his subconscious and the other personality remains dominant all the time. Thus he actually didn't love her at first sight but his mind implanted repeated thoughts of her in his brain, also modifying her personality to fit his want and thus he is believed to be in love with an illusion of the real person who truly does not exist. Such a confusing fact, but it was kind of true. So in truth he fell in love with a version of her fabricated by his mind. Any way what difference does it make, he would die within the next three months anyway.
The next few days passed by, he still had the same feelings for her but was hesitant to talk to her. He was unsure about his feelings towards her. On strong discussion with himself he finally decided to at least try to know her better. In that way he would at least die with the satisfaction of getting to know her. But just walking over and opening a conversation was not going to be enough. He was intelligent, also methodological and hence decided to observe her first. It was in organic practical lab, he took a seat just behind her so that he could begin his deduction process. The first thing he felt was how beautiful she was, although it was not quite true but his mind was viewing a different version of her. He realised this and tried to block his feelings. He would now think only with his brain. Again, he gazed his eyes on her; this time from the eyes of a neutral detective. Firstly he noticed that she was an extrovert. He could clearly see that she was not able to stay quiet for even a small period of time. She liked to talk a lot, most of which were complete nonsense. Also she moved her hands a lot when she spoke. This means that she is expressive. She talks a lot be doesn't mean most of the words. She just likes to talk that's all. Next he saw that she took great care in her outer appearance, another classic sign of an extrovert. She is all about chit chat. Another interesting fact he learned about her is that she seemed to think herself less in studies than any other student. She didn’t like to talk about it. Strange as in other matters she was a full-on talker. It was perhaps something had happened in her life, more upon observing it seemed that it was education related, maybe an er in the last semester of her undergrad exams or maybe it was shortage of attendance. Either way it was possible that she was a dropout. He checked the admission list for msc. Admission and found that she was admitted on basis of entrance test; thus more leaning on the dropout angle. Also seems that she was trying to study in this semester but her old habits got in her way. All in all he found that she was an extrovert, carefree, little lazy, likes to talk. He made a list all her character traits he could find which were Ambitious, Confident, Generous, Loyal, Encouraging, Pretentious, Domineering, Melodramatic, and Stubborn. Also she was soft on the inside but she was capable of hiding it very well. She was the complete opposite of him. Talking to her would be easy as she would talk with anyone.
Finally he planned an opportunity to talk to her. During a practical class he finished his work earlier and approached her posing as a needy student. He acted slightly stupid than he is, otherwise a brain like his, is easily looked upon as strange. Talking to her was easy. She liked to talk and he liked to listen. He noticed that she was as interested in him as any friend and nothing more. Others in his position would surely mistake it as a double sided effect but he was too smart to know the situation. He was still confused with his thoughts. He felt no physical attraction towards her but he felt that their minds were connected. Or it was because he deduced too much of her personality in such a short time that he had no idea whether it was right or wrong. It seemed his mind had created an alternate personality of her that may or may not be her. He decided that he would not take this further and at best try to remain only her friend. His logical part dominated and his emotional counterpart was made to sacrifice its feelings, its feelings of love for her or that alternate version. He accepted that decision and tried to suppress his feelings for her.; those feelings which may or may not be true. To justify it he gave the reason that what good could he do her with the mere month he got to live.
The end of semester was drawing near; along it so was his life. He became her friend but hid his true feelings from her. They began to sit together in class, talked a lot but that was all there to it. He often wondered what was going on in her mind but feared to ask. He wanted a bond on an emotional level but she considered him as his friend. What a dilemma. He still loved her deeply but afraid to lose her as a friend. He knew they can never be together but her mere presence gave him hope. He wanted to live more than ever. He wanted to tell her that he loved her and know what was on his mind but he was tied by fate. He talked to her a lot, tried to gain her interest but she seemed uninterested. In the class he would stare at her, he eyes gave him hope. He wanted to live forever in her eyes; talking with her. It wasn’t a crush but true love that had found him but poor fellow was already friend zoned. He was in no position to say anything now.
As December approached his mind was relaxed. He had finally made peace with himself and was ready to move on. He gave his practical exams and theory papers without really studying for them. What reason does he have to care? Needless to say his papers were bad. His brilliant mind sees no purpose to take these papers seriously. He was waiting for that day that he would finally end. What peace it would bring. No longer would he have to suffer, he, no longer have to endure any pain. All his dreams were behind him. All that waits is nothing; at last, he would be at peace. It was during these days that he would remember the girl in his dreams; he fabricated stories of them, them falling in love, them getting married, them growing old and them spending the entire life in each other’s arms. And at the end of their days, holding hands they depart on the final journey to the final adobe. It was beautiful as well as scary. The boy who lost everything was now about to lose the only thing that he had left his memories.
However it was kind of strange that he only thought of that girl and not of his earlier life. What about his parents. It was as if he never remembered anything before her. His parents who brought him to this world, who took care of him, gave him love when nobody cared. The mind is a cunning devil, it thinks of others only when it needs them. Now at his final moment it was ready to forget them, as if they never existed. Its only concern was to keep him happy, that too by creating a lie so that he could live it. It creates the happiest of memories that never actually happened. He was so much in love with her that he felt these new memories, assumed them to be true. He was spending his entire life in the arms of his true love. Alas if it were only true... With this thought he closed his eyes one last time, his breath growing slower. He slowly lost sensation in his body and felt lighter. His mind felt free, seems it was finally letting go of all his thoughts; His breath dropping and then slowly at a standstill. It was the best feeling in the entire world, which is to feel nothing. Such peace, such calmness, such mystery; the end of a life. His journey was finally over. He was, at peace.
Outside the hospital room cried his parents in sadness, in despair of their only son being in a coma for 12 years. It was this day that he was finally free. They decided to shut his life support system on this day a year before. They vaguely remembered the car accident that changed their lives forever; their son was just 10 years old at that time. Although they survived they lost their son. He fell into a coma and has been there ever since. The doctors had no idea when he would come back. The parents however, did not give up hope. His mother would always visit him and tell him stories of him finally coming back, finishing education, making friends and finally to find love in his life. She could not accept the fact that her son would never be able to do those things, never have a family, and never see her again. She believed that a comatose patient can hear everything being said to them and so would talk to him every day. Little did she know that her words actually reached him, creating an imaginary world within his own mind? No one can defeat the mind, he was smart so his mind made sense of all the information he was receiving. He survived the accident; his mother's stories became his life. Even the small things happening here and there had a deep effect on his life. The servant dying of heart attack was just a recreation of a death of his neighbouring patient. The recently installed a TV in that room 3 years earlier which was always tuned to the channel fox travels. All this information leads him to believe that he was travelling the world. Finally the terminal disease was due to the decision of turning off his life support a year earlier. All of these gave rise to a new world in his mind. Also 6 months back a new nurse was assigned to take care of him. She was as old as him and she liked to talk a lot with him. It was her nature. She felt that these patients can still feel and listen to them. In reality she was the girl he was in love with. Now we know that it was indeed one-sided. All these time he was under her care.
Such a beautiful logic was created by his mind. How could anyone disprove it? Also human beings are motivated to live by logic; without it; we cannot not exist.
So now at the end, we reached the beginning. It is now all fair to ask, what is life? Is it just a collection of thoughts, or memories that makes us, creates us into what we are? Or is it just a word to give purpose to our lives? What is real and what is not? Which is the true world? Where do we actually belong?
THE END
The Other Self(ThunderBolt)
What is life?
Is it just a collection of thoughts, our memories that make us; that shape our existence? Or it is just a word to give us purpose, a meaning to our existence. The real us may not be the one we are familiar with. What we see and what we interpret makes us who we are. Our real self depends on us; depends on how we perceive the events going on around us. How we sense things and how we feel shapes us into what we are.
But how do we do this? How does our mind make choices, moreover what makes us believe that we are doing the right thing? It is possible that we are living in an illusion ‘A world created by our minds’? Do we live in the real world or just in an illusion of the real world that is fabricated by our minds? Why not? A single event is perceived differently by different people, that too in such a way that each one feels that their version is correct. In the midst of these they forget what really happened and begin to live in their own truths. If that is so then we sure have memories; but those memories are nothing more than our interpretations of an event which occurred in the past. If they are unreliable, biased or even distorted, then how do we know the absolute truth?
All these thoughts come to the mind of a young man. Vivek was just 22 years old but there was something wrong with him. A few months ago he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctors gave him only a year to live but that too was 6 months ago. The news changed him a lot, turned him more mature, he became serious and forced him to view a different outlook of life.
This man; poor soul was already alone in the world. His parents died in a car crash when he was just 10 years old. He was then brought up by their honest servant who treated him as his own son. Although financially the servant had nothing but the boy was left a lot of inheritance and so he had nothing to worry about. Alas fate has something else stored for him. It is seen that good days never last. The servant too died of a heart attack when the boy was 19 years old.
He was all alone then. All that was with him was his memories. He did not care for wealth, as he had a lot. All he wanted was to look at the world to understand it; but his recent diagnosis had made it impossible to do so.
After his servants death he thought of travelling the world, in search of purpose; in search of hope. He needed something that would provide him a new reason to live on. With this intent, he left his college at the age of nineteen after getting his bachelor’s degree in chemistry and left his hometown in search of a purpose to live on. In his travels he met many new people; each with different personalities. Some were interesting but most of the others were simply boring. They just went on with their life not thinking about anything meaningful. Their entire motto was to eat and survive.
In Hindi there is a phase 'roti, kapda and makaan', which means all they need is food, clothes and a roof over their heads. Life is all that to them. They do not think of any higher purpose. He often wondered how and why they would not think. Why would they just keep pushing their life rather than feeling it? Maybe they just weren't smart enough. He began to despise such people. During these travels he improved his observational skills. He began noticing people, made deductions regarding their behavior. Eventually he was getting good at it. He could tell the correct nature of a person just by looking at their behavior. He began to enjoy it. Observing others was so much fun that he often did it with all the people.
For the next three years he traveled to different parts of India, interacted with all kinds of people, and learned their culture. He was enjoying it but it was fate that was not satisfied with him. On his 22nd birthday he felt sick, upon check-up, he was found to have terminal lung cancer. He was shocked as he had no idea how he could have got it. The doctors gave him only a year to live. This started a new phase of his life. Although at that time he was emotionally stronger, his thoughts slowly began to change. As the months went by he was getting physically weaker. Emotionally, his mind was breaking down; he was having a hard time getting a grip on reality. The mere thought that he would be dead within the next few months crushed him. It was indeed true; he really was going to die. Although he was happy that least he got time to prepare for the ultimate truth. Physically he was getting weaker to continue his travels. Slowly, he accepted his fate and decided to go back to his hometown, Delhi. He just had 8 months left on his clock and so decided to return home and die in his own house. Knowing one’s own death brings great changes upon oneself. He thought he would pass away quietly in the comfort of his own house.
Initially it was fine but, as time passed he was getting very lonely there. He was accustomed to have people around him, those he could observe. He wanted to have those moments back, but it was not possible if he would stay inside his room all day. He tried going out but that too did not satisfy him. He needed to observe the same people for a number of days to truly understand them, but in the market he would meet only strangers every day.
Depressed he sat at home looking at his old files and certificates. In them he saw his Bsc degree and realized that he was eligible for admission to msc. He thought that this would indeed solve all his problems; he would make friends that he could observe and satisfy his desire to understand people. After much thought; he decided to pursue his Msc. degree. In that way he would at least be in company of others during his last days. He was smart and so he was able to clear a written entrance exam with 149 marks out of 300 and was eligible for admission. Thus he began the journey to the end of his days in the chemistry department of Delhi University.
On his very first day of classes, he was quiet; all he wanted to do was to observe others. The class was his playground; he was the lone wolf ready to stalk his prey. He occupied his seat at the last bench so that he could see everyone. He tried to observe his new fellow classmates. Surprised, He found that most of them were childish, stupid and uncaring about the reality of the world surrounding them. They too were like the ones he despised, sad, uncaring and totally materialistic. In the modern world materialism is realism, spiritualism is often considered idiotic. All that matter to people is money, power and most importantly respect from other people. Some were dominating, they liked to tear the flesh of the weak ones, grabbing and twisting their minds, seeking domination. They were all about 21-24 years of age, pretty young and mostly none of them were innocent. Perhaps very few might have been spiritual who cared about the true feelings of life but it was harder to spot such people.
In today's world even little kids are not free of pride and ego. Nobody has the true innocence of a child anymore. Why do they behave like his? What can't they see the absolute truth. Instead of serving oneself, people should look at the collective well being, but it seems such a theory in unachievable in modern society where everyone is a hypocrite. Most people do not think with their hearts but with their material brain and hence were not capable enough to see the truth. Back at his class he found that most of the students who were like this were toppers from their respective colleges and hence were full of confidence. Maybe some of them were serious but most others were just too childish and overconfident.
Among them there were also others, idiots who in fact knew absolutely nothing, but tried to impress others, thereby posing as geniuses. Oddly, enough people believed them. The world is full of idiots, how can they survive. This is yet again another classic example of material persona. Lie to others and to self in order to gain respect in society. These idiots are so consumed within their own lies that they too start to believe in them. He was furious within his mind. All he wanted to do was to go ahead and place a very nice high five on their face in order to show the amount of respect they deserve. But he knew that it was an integral part of modern society and hence cannot be abolished. Also he had no business with them, all he wanted was to be neutral to everybody as they all are well justified within their own minds. Everyone is doing the right thing in their own minds. These people have no greater purpose, all they have are social skills, and they show great respect to others but only to take advantage of them later. People mostly girls often fall prey to them and begin to trust them. But some girls, smart enough to see through them, would gladly act the part and use him to play their own game and take advantage of these special people.
This was indeed true and quite hilarious. When will both of them learn? The true treasures of life are those few really good friends that one could count upon, share one’s feelings and attain trust in every sphere of life. All of these which seem scarce in today’s world. Here everyone has their own agenda, their own motive. Here people don't help one another, they use one another. The strong ones dominate the weak. In today's world the only thing people observe are someone's outer appearance, the way they behave. Nobody cares about anyone's feelings. They too think nobody would understand them and hence bottle up their true self and act as a completely different human being. That too for making friends, fake friends that they believe to be true.
Apart of them there were another category of people out there. These ones which can be considered the lesser of the two evils present in that class. He was in fact most pleased with this type. These are the ones that showed part of what they really were, a part of their true self. Even though they thought of themselves before but at least they cared little bit about others. This is a virtue which is normally unseen in today's era. 'Service before self ‘should be our motto, their version of this can be called ‘Self before Service' in today's form is still better than 'self service before anyone else' which most people follow today.
He made a few friends that day. These guys were from the same college and so knew each other well. Friendship with one led to friendship with the whole group. These guys were different from the rest. Although they too lived for their own self but they behaved just as they were. No one was a show off, felt like he found himself in each one of them. It was perhaps that or he had not been in the company of good people for all these years. Anyway, he loved being friends with them, tried to know their true self. But this time he didn't try hard enough as he feared of learning something that he would not like. So he stopped deducing them as he was not ready to face another betrayal during his end days. He accepted them for what they are, in order to avoid losing them.
Apart from these guys there was one other special person he wanted to know. It was a just a girl but just a mere sight of her would make him forget all his pains; he would drift away into another world, a world where there is no sadness, where he felt free. He fell in love with her at first sight. Her mere name made him feel alive, gave him a reason to live for. He felt happy when he talked to her; although normal chitchat; that too once. Still it meant a great deal to him.
Sadly all of this was in his heart; he had no idea what was in hers. She seemed friendly to him but so was she to others, was it because it was in her nature? If so how would he know? He was afraid to share his feelings with her as he had no idea how would she react. Also he knew that if they would be in a relationship, it would not matter as he only had 6 months to live. Imagine the pain going through his heart, the tendency to be with her along with knowing the fact that it would never happen so.
As the days went by, he felt pain with each passing second. He used to observe her in the class, her smile, her hair, her face. He could feel the emotions behind her expressions; he would feel happy when she smiled, sad when she frowned. She was the only inspiration that made him come to class every day. He knew his feelings were meaningless but he couldn't control them. He was like a slave of his own thoughts.
Was it love? Or did he just create a lie in his mind. He didn't know whether he actually liked her or his mind just fabricated a lie. He tried analysing his feelings and found that there was no logical explanation of him falling in love with her. They were just not meant to be. If that was so...Why would he like her? She was not even smart. A guy like him could have a much smarter girl than her but why her? It didn't make any sense. Was it possible that his mind was playing a trick on him?
Days passed but he could get her out of his head. He never talked to her but he felt that their minds were connected. He was smart too and hence could figure out what she was thinking at any time. He wanted to talk to her but he feared the worst. He wanted to know her, understand her, be with her but lacked the courage to do so. His mind was sharp so he invented new ways to know her. He used to see her every day in class, even check her facebook page to learn more about her. He would download her photos and edit them to make them prettier. He made an album of her photos. Found her phone number and would stare at her whatsapp dp. It was kind of creepy but it was all that he could do. His heart was no longer his own. He never shared his feelings with anybody; hence his friends had no idea what was going on in his mind.
All these emotions building up in his mind; but there was no way he could confess his feelings. He could only think of the pain both of them would endure after his death. Hence he buried his pain in his chest looked away, his heart crying out for love only to be ignored.
He was fed up of his condition. He knew he acted like a stalker even if he didn’t want to. He can’t confess his love and hence crushed it. To understand his confused feelings he began researching on love. What love actually is? How can one fall in love? The closest logical explanation of his situation he could come out is as follows:
He was quiet and hence cannot express his feelings to others. Apart from that he had seen so much in his life that his inner most feelings were been suppressed by his conscious mind. Hence he has no idea of what he truly wants as he cannot access his innermost feelings. As a result his conscious mind fabricates a new personality that now controls his behaviour. This is all because men are rational beings. They need logic to survive, he couldn't realize his actual feelings hence his mind created a new personality within him with a set of artificial feelings that would help him live a logical life. It was kind of a split personality disorder but the main difference from it is that, in this case the real he is trapped within his subconscious and the other personality remains dominant all the time. Thus he actually didn't love her at first sight but his mind implanted repeated thoughts of her in his brain, also modifying her personality to fit his want and thus he is believed to be in love with an illusion of the real person who truly does not exist. Such a confusing fact, but it was kind of true. So in truth he fell in love with a version of her fabricated by his mind. Any way what difference does it make, he would die within the next three months anyway.
The next few days passed by, he still had the same feelings for her but was hesitant to talk to her. He was unsure about his feelings towards her. On strong discussion with himself he finally decided to at least try to know her better. In that way he would at least die with the satisfaction of getting to know her. But just walking over and opening a conversation was not going to be enough. He was intelligent, also methodological and hence decided to observe her first. It was in organic practical lab, he took a seat just behind her so that he could begin his deduction process. The first thing he felt was how beautiful she was, although it was not quite true but his mind was viewing a different version of her. He realised this and tried to block his feelings. He would now think only with his brain. Again, he gazed his eyes on her; this time from the eyes of a neutral detective. Firstly he noticed that she was an extrovert. He could clearly see that she was not able to stay quiet for even a small period of time. She liked to talk a lot, most of which were complete nonsense. Also she moved her hands a lot when she spoke. This means that she is expressive. She talks a lot be doesn't mean most of the words. She just likes to talk that's all. Next he saw that she took great care in her outer appearance, another classic sign of an extrovert. She is all about chit chat. Another interesting fact he learned about her is that she seemed to think herself less in studies than any other student. She didn’t like to talk about it. Strange as in other matters she was a full-on talker. It was perhaps something had happened in her life, more upon observing it seemed that it was education related, maybe an er in the last semester of her undergrad exams or maybe it was shortage of attendance. Either way it was possible that she was a dropout. He checked the admission list for msc. Admission and found that she was admitted on basis of entrance test; thus more leaning on the dropout angle. Also seems that she was trying to study in this semester but her old habits got in her way. All in all he found that she was an extrovert, carefree, little lazy, likes to talk. He made a list all her character traits he could find which were Ambitious, Confident, Generous, Loyal, Encouraging, Pretentious, Domineering, Melodramatic, and Stubborn. Also she was soft on the inside but she was capable of hiding it very well. She was the complete opposite of him. Talking to her would be easy as she would talk with anyone.
Finally he planned an opportunity to talk to her. During a practical class he finished his work earlier and approached her posing as a needy student. He acted slightly stupid than he is, otherwise a brain like his, is easily looked upon as strange. Talking to her was easy. She liked to talk and he liked to listen. He noticed that she was as interested in him as any friend and nothing more. Others in his position would surely mistake it as a double sided effect but he was too smart to know the situation. He was still confused with his thoughts. He felt no physical attraction towards her but he felt that their minds were connected. Or it was because he deduced too much of her personality in such a short time that he had no idea whether it was right or wrong. It seemed his mind had created an alternate personality of her that may or may not be her. He decided that he would not take this further and at best try to remain only her friend. His logical part dominated and his emotional counterpart was made to sacrifice its feelings, its feelings of love for her or that alternate version. He accepted that decision and tried to suppress his feelings for her.; those feelings which may or may not be true. To justify it he gave the reason that what good could he do her with the mere month he got to live.
The end of semester was drawing near; along it so was his life. He became her friend but hid his true feelings from her. They began to sit together in class, talked a lot but that was all there to it. He often wondered what was going on in her mind but feared to ask. He wanted a bond on an emotional level but she considered him as his friend. What a dilemma. He still loved her deeply but afraid to lose her as a friend. He knew they can never be together but her mere presence gave him hope. He wanted to live more than ever. He wanted to tell her that he loved her and know what was on his mind but he was tied by fate. He talked to her a lot, tried to gain her interest but she seemed uninterested. In the class he would stare at her, he eyes gave him hope. He wanted to live forever in her eyes; talking with her. It wasn’t a crush but true love that had found him but poor fellow was already friend zoned. He was in no position to say anything now.
As December approached his mind was relaxed. He had finally made peace with himself and was ready to move on. He gave his practical exams and theory papers without really studying for them. What reason does he have to care? Needless to say his papers were bad. His brilliant mind sees no purpose to take these papers seriously. He was waiting for that day that he would finally end. What peace it would bring. No longer would he have to suffer, he, no longer have to endure any pain. All his dreams were behind him. All that waits is nothing; at last, he would be at peace. It was during these days that he would remember the girl in his dreams; he fabricated stories of them, them falling in love, them getting married, them growing old and them spending the entire life in each other’s arms. And at the end of their days, holding hands they depart on the final journey to the final adobe. It was beautiful as well as scary. The boy who lost everything was now about to lose the only thing that he had left his memories.
However it was kind of strange that he only thought of that girl and not of his earlier life. What about his parents. It was as if he never remembered anything before her. His parents who brought him to this world, who took care of him, gave him love when nobody cared. The mind is a cunning devil, it thinks of others only when it needs them. Now at his final moment it was ready to forget them, as if they never existed. Its only concern was to keep him happy, that too by creating a lie so that he could live it. It creates the happiest of memories that never actually happened. He was so much in love with her that he felt these new memories, assumed them to be true. He was spending his entire life in the arms of his true love. Alas if it were only true... With this thought he closed his eyes one last time, his breath growing slower. He slowly lost sensation in his body and felt lighter. His mind felt free, seems it was finally letting go of all his thoughts; His breath dropping and then slowly at a standstill. It was the best feeling in the entire world, which is to feel nothing. Such peace, such calmness, such mystery; the end of a life. His journey was finally over. He was, at peace.
Outside the hospital room cried his parents in sadness, in despair of their only son being in a coma for 12 years. It was this day that he was finally free. They decided to shut his life support system on this day a year before. They vaguely remembered the car accident that changed their lives forever; their son was just 10 years old at that time. Although they survived they lost their son. He fell into a coma and has been there ever since. The doctors had no idea when he would come back. The parents however, did not give up hope. His mother would always visit him and tell him stories of him finally coming back, finishing education, making friends and finally to find love in his life. She could not accept the fact that her son would never be able to do those things, never have a family, and never see her again. She believed that a comatose patient can hear everything being said to them and so would talk to him every day. Little did she know that her words actually reached him, creating an imaginary world within his own mind? No one can defeat the mind, he was smart so his mind made sense of all the information he was receiving. He survived the accident; his mother's stories became his life. Even the small things happening here and there had a deep effect on his life. The servant dying of heart attack was just a recreation of a death of his neighbouring patient. The recently installed a TV in that room 3 years earlier which was always tuned to the channel fox travels. All this information leads him to believe that he was travelling the world. Finally the terminal disease was due to the decision of turning off his life support a year earlier. All of these gave rise to a new world in his mind. Also 6 months back a new nurse was assigned to take care of him. She was as old as him and she liked to talk a lot with him. It was her nature. She felt that these patients can still feel and listen to them. In reality she was the girl he was in love with. Now we know that it was indeed one-sided. All these time he was under her care.
Such a beautiful logic was created by his mind. How could anyone disprove it? Also human beings are motivated to live by logic; without it; we cannot not exist.
So now at the end, we reached the beginning. It is now all fair to ask, what is life? Is it just a collection of thoughts, or memories that makes us, creates us into what we are? Or is it just a word to give purpose to our lives? What is real and what is not? Which is the true world? Where do we actually belong?
THE END
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