KENNY

KENNY(Jimmy S. Harvey) KENNY
Mercurochrome hair shrieks defiance
Black leather sheathes rebellion
Doc Martins stomp independence

Denying intimacy
Pushing love away
Just when it’s needed most.



Kenny slammed the front door. His mouth was set hard, his eyes bright with fury. He wore ragged cut-offs and a black tee shirt that bore the legend, “Screw the World!” On his back was a bulging, dirty backpack. His hair was dyed a bright orange, cut in a mohawk, and he wore rings not only in his ears, but through his nose.

He threw open the door to a battered Chevrolet, furiously tossed the backpack into the back seat, and plumped down in the front seat. His head slumped forward to rest on the steering wheel which he clasped tightly with both hands. Big sobs were audible manifestation of the tears that streamed down his face.

“F*** the whole world! I don’t know what she’s so mad about. She never listened to the god*** CD’s! I’m sick and tired of someone always telling me what to do. ‘Kenny, do this. Kenny, don’t do that. Kenny, you’re a no-good sonofabitch.’” He continued to sob.

Finally, quieting, the powerful emotions giving way to some semblance of reason, he began to plan. Somehow, he had to get out of one more mess. How he wished his life would straighten out!

For the second time in the last six months, his grandmother had kicked him out. For nothing! he thought. Just because he traded some of her CD’s which she never listened to for some he would get some good out of. She had been icily angry. Standing in the middle of the living room, her hands clenched into fists, staring unbelievingly at the open door of the empty cabinet where her CD’s should have been, she appeared ready to hit him. She didn’t, of course. She never hit him or anyone else that he knew about. When she finally spoke, her voice was hard and cold.

“Kenny, I’ve had it! Just pack your things and get out! I can’t trust you. Those were my CD’s. I bought them because I liked them, and now I don’t have a one left! I can’t believe you’d do a thing like that!”

“Hey, look,” Kenny argued. “They just sat around here not used.”

“The reason I didn’t listen to them is that you were always listening to your music. Before you came, I listed to them a lot. But regardless, they were mine – not yours. You had no right to take them. Just leave.”

She left the room, crying. Her tears made him even angrier. Trying to make me feel sorry for her! he thought. Well, I don’t! He began throwing things into his backpack.

“Okay! I’ll go!” he shouted angrily. “You don’t have to worry about me! I can take care of myself! Just forget about me!”

Realizing that he couldn’t take all his things at once, he yelled as he slammed out the door, “I’ll be back later to get the rest of my things. I won’t be in your way much longer.”

Sitting in his car in front of the house, he began to take stock. He had ten dollars in his pocket, hadn’t eaten since breakfast and had no place to sleep that night. “I can sleep in my car. Other people do it all the time. I can find something to eat for ten dollars. Piss on her! I’ll show her! She’ll be sorry! She’ll never see me again.”

He angrily started the motor. It sputtered and died. The third time, it caught and he shot down the street. Damn! he thought, looking at the gas gauge. I am going to have to spend part of that money on gas. I’m on empty!

Pulling into the gas station, he put a dollar’s worth of gas in the tank. The needle barely budged. It was not as if the car was a fuel miser – it gulped gas greedily. A dollar’s worth would probably get him around one evening if he didn’t go anywhere much.

Kenny had quit school in his senior year, because, as he told his grandmother, with whom he had lived for the past two years since his parents gave up on him, “They don’t know as much as I do. I don’t want to waste my time on them.”

All her talking and persuading couldn’t change his mind. He simply wasn’t going to spend another week in that dumb school. Trouble was, everywhere he went to look for a job, they wanted him to have at least a high school diploma. He was secretly beginning to suspect he might have made a mistake in dropping out, but he was not about to divulge that bit of information to anyone, least of all to his grandmother.

He had to admit, to himself, if to no one else, that she had been pretty good to him most of the time. At least he always had a good bed, plenty of food, and clean clothes. But she thought she owned him! She was always after him to clean up his room, clean up his bathroom, look for a job, change his clothes! Geez! She nagged at him all the time – never satisfied! Well, he would show her. He didn’t need her!

While all this went through his mind, he was driving aimlessly around. And under all the bravado, he was scared. He wasn’t at all sure that he didn’t need her. She was the one person in the world who appeared not to have given up on him. At least, not until today. After this, maybe she wouldn’t have anything to do with him, either.

“You dumb f***!” he said aloud. “Why’d you have to take her god**** CD’s? Now, what’re you gonna do?” He beat the steering wheel with his fist. Tears of frustration arose and spilled down his cheeks. He was getting hungry, it was getting dark, and he didn’t know where to go or what to do.

Maybe I’ll just kill myself, he thought. Nobody would care. Probably nobody would even notice. He realized he had driven around the same block four times. Just using up gas, he thought. That’s smart! He pulled the car over to the side of the street.

Kenny couldn’t remember ever being this discouraged. He had held a job for a couple of weeks at a local dry cleaners, but quit it because he was in trouble for getting to work late. It’s a lousy job, he reasoned. Pays only minimum wage. I’m smarter than that. I ought to be able to make a lot of money.

I think I’ll get a job in the computer industry. I’m good at computers. Yeah, that’s it! Tomorrow, I’ll start looking for one.

Tomorrow --- Yeah --- In my dirty clothes, stinking because I didn’t have a bath! And what will I use for an address? They always want that. Great, Ken! Just great! No money, no job, no food, no place to stay!

Maybe I can spend the night with Bryan. I’ll go over there. He’s stayed enough times at my house. Yeah. That’s it.

Street lights were beginning to come on as Kenny started the engine and drove the ten miles to the little community where his friend’s parents lived. Bryan’s pickup was in the driveway. Luck! He’s home!

Kenny roared into the driveway, his badly-tuned car emitting black smoke from the exhaust pipe. He rolled up the windows, locked the door and sauntered up to the door, trying to look casual. Bryan ’s mother came to the door in answer to his ring.

“Well, hello, Kenny!” she smiled. She was a nice lady, Kenny thought. Always a smile for him. Why can’t my folks be like that? he thought.

“Hello.” Charmingly. “Bry home?”

“He sure is. Come on in.” She opened the door and motioned him in. She was a small, tired-looking woman. She wore no makeup, and her hair was pulled back into a barrette. Kenny knew she worked in a local software production plant, running some equipment which made hundreds of copies of computer games. Good job, thought Kenny. I could do that!

“Bryan, Kenny’s here,” she called up the stairs. Then to Kenny, “Go on up. I think he’s in his room.”

Kenny smiled his thanks and went up the stairs two at a time. Bryan called from his room, “Come on in, loser!”

“Sure, jerk! You dumb shit!” returned Kenny in his most intimate insulting manner. “Hey, what’ya doin’? Being lazy as usual?”

Bryan was lounging on his bed reading a computer manual. “Gettin’ smart, you dumb ass. What’s up?”

Kenny slouched in a chair in the corner. “Well, I’ve got a little trouble.”

Bryan put the computer manual down on the floor, rolled from his back to his stomach and half sat up. “Yeah? Well, what’s new. You’re always in trouble.”

“You know those CD’s we sold? Well, Grandmother was pretty pissed.”

“Hey, dude, I told you that wasn’t a good idea!”

“Don’t give me that shit! You used some of them to trade for some CD’s you liked! I’m not taking the whole blame!”

Bryan was quiet a minute. Then, “What’d she say?”

“She kicked me out.”

Bryan sat up straight. Kenny still slouched in the chair. “She kicked you out! Now, what’re you gonna do? Last time she kicked you out, she took you back because you got sick. She probably won’t fall for that one again.”

“I was sick. Almost had pneumonia!”

“Yeah, from sleeping on the ground in the park.”

There was a glum silence. Then Kenny spoke tentatively. “Do you think I could stay here for a couple of days – just until I can decide what to do?”

“Yeah, prob’ly. But don’t tell my mom you got kicked out. Just hang around tonight.”

“You got anything to eat?”

“Sure. We just had dinner. There’s prob’ly something left.”

Bryan led the way downstairs. The house smelled good. Kenny thought they must have had a pot roast for dinner. Maybe there would be something for a sandwich.

In the kitchen, Bryan opened the refrigerator and pulled out a platter with still-warm meat on it. He took bread out of the cabinet, and opened the drawer where the knives were kept. “You fix it. Want some milk? Mayo?”

Kenny breathed deeply, taking in the delicious aroma. “Thanks. Looks great. Yeah, I’d sure like some milk.”

They sat at the kitchen table while Kenny fixed himself two sandwiches and drank a large glass of milk. The roast beef was tender and juicy. Bryan ’s mother was a great cook. He felt better, ready to do some planning.

Bryan spoke. “So, what’re you gonna do? You can stay here a couple of days, but then what?”

“I dunno. Get a job, I guess. Find a place to live.”

Kenny was silent, thinking. His face mirrored his hopelessness. Why me? Why always f***ing me? Why don’t I ever get a break?

“Hey, dude, you had a place to live. You blew it! You just f***ing blew it!”

“I blew it! Who was it told me about the place you could trade in the CD’S?”

‘Well, I didn’t tell you to take your grandmother’s CD’s, for crissake! Damn, Kenny! Use your head!”

“Yeah, well, you can talk. Look at what you have here!” He gestured around the room.

“Don’t give me that shit! You had it every bit as nice at your grandmother’s house. Trouble with you is that you want everything. You don’t want to obey any of the rules!”

Kenny was on the verge of cursing Bryan and walking out on him when his better judgment finally stepped in and stopped him. This was the only place he had to rest his head tonight. Better be quiet. He rose and paced around the room.

“Look, dude. Just let me stay here tonight and I’ll make some arrangements for tomorrow.”

“Yeah. Okay. Wanta go shoot some pool?”

“I don’t have any money.”

“So? Well, I’ll pay. Let’s get outta here.”

They put the meat and milk back into the refrigerator, stashed the dishes in the dishwasher and wiped off the kitchen table. Then they left, Bryan calling to his mother that they’d be back after a while.

Kenny didn’t sleep well that night. He kept tossing and turning. When he would fall asleep, he dreamed of begging on the streets, cold and hungry. He would wake drenched with sweat.

The next morning, after a shower and shave, which changed his looks very little, but at least made him smell better, he put on a wrinkled pair of black pants from out of his backpack, another tee shirt which this time said, “Shit Happens,” and walked into the kitchen looking for Bryan. Bryan ’s mother was there.

She smiled, “Hello, Kenny. Would you like some breakfast?”

“I sure would, thanks. Where’s Bry?”

“He has gone to help his father on a job this morning. Said to tell you he’d see you later. Do you want cereal? Eggs? What?”

“Oh, anything would be fine. Could I just have some milk and some of that coffee cake over there?”

“Certainly. Help yourself. I have to leave for work. Would you please lock the door when you leave?”

“Sure thing. Thanks for breakfast.” He poured the milk and cut off a large piece of the blueberry coffee cake. It was still warm and delicious. He wondered how much of it he could eat without being rude.

She seemed to read his mind. “Eat the whole thing, Kenny. You’re welcome to it.”

“Thanks. I’m really hungry.”

“Bye. Don’t forget to lock up.” She was gone, leaving Kenny sitting in the middle of her spotless kitchen.

As he ate the coffee cake, he thought, “Sure wish I could live here. Bryan sure has it good. His face was a picture of longing, a vulnerable look which he took great care to hide from the world.

It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, this being on my own, he mused. I sure wish I had a decent income. But I don’t. Actually, I don’t have any income at all. And without any money, I guess being at Grandmother’s wasn’t so bad. At least there, I had a good place to live and plenty to eat.

“Okay, loser. Put your mind to it,” he said aloud. “She’s a pussy cat where you’re concerned. You’re gonna have to con your way back.”

He considered several scenarios, from getting sick again, to just going back in and pretending yesterday didn’t happen, to getting a job and presenting her with that fact, to apologizing.

She won’t buy sick again, he thought. If I go back and pretend it never happened, she might just throw me out again. Depends on how mad she is. Getting a job was a good alternative, but might take too long.

In the end, he decided to go over and talk with her. He rinsed his glass and plate and stowed them in the empty dishwasher, gathered up his belongings and locked the door behind him. He didn’t relish the scene with his grandmother, but he couldn’t think of much else to do.

Looking at the gas gauge, he decided he’d better spend another precious dollar on gas. Again, the needle hardly moved, but he knew he would have enough gas to get him where he needed to go.

As he pulled up in front of his grandmother’s house, he noted with relief that she was still at home. He tried the front door, but it was locked, so he rang the doorbell.

Seeing him in the open door, his grandmother said gravely, not smiling,
“Hello, Kenny.”

“Grandmother, could I please come in?”

She stood aside. “Yes.” She didn’t appear to be angry anymore, but neither was she cordial.

“I need to talk with you,” he said as humbly as he knew how. She motioned to the living room, and he followed her in.

She turned to him without sitting, still not smiling. “Yes, Kenny?”

He was extremely uncomfortable. She was obviously not going to make this easy. “Look, I was wrong. I want to apologize.”

She lowered her eyes and said nothing. He squirmed. Damn! Could she make this any harder? he thought.

He started again, “Grandmother, I know I’m a big disappointment to you. I’d like a chance to start over and let me prove to you that I’m not as bad as you think.”

She looked up, tears in her eyes. “Oh, Kenny! I don’t think you’re bad –just misguided. You do things that hurt other people.”

“I don’t mean to hurt other people, Grandmother. I sure don’t want to hurt you. You’ve been pretty nice to me.”

“Are you asking to come back, Kenny?” She walked across the room and sat on the blue couch. He couldn’t tell whether she was gong to kick him out again or let him stay.

“Yeah. I guess I am.”

“I don’t know, Kenny. I don’t trust you. Things disappear. Like my CD’s. They were important to me. And now, they’re all gone. What would be next? I’m not sure I can handle that.”

He dropped his head. He was fighting tears, not because he was disappointing her, but because he was afraid he was going to be out on the street again. When he looked up, he could see that she was also on the verge of tears.

“If I promise to get a job, and replace your CD’s, and to leave all your things alone, would you please let me stay here?” He could see her softening.

“Oh, Kenny! I wish I could believe you!”

“I know you don’t really have any reason to believe me, but this time it’s different. This time, I’ll really do it.”

“How about my CD’s?”

“As soon as I get a paycheck, I’ll start replacing them. I promise.”

She got up from the couch, and walked to him. Putting her arms around him, she choked back tears. “Okay, Kenny. One more time. God knows why. Except that you are so special to me. I have loved you all your life. I can’t stand to watch you throwing your life away.” She pulled back to look at his face. “But you have to replace the CD’s.”

He stood there, his face hiding any emotion. And he thought, I really want to get away. She wants too much of me – too much for me. But until I can think of some way to take care of myself, I will have to stay. At least, here I’m safe. He gave her a self-conscious hug.

“I promise. As soon as I start making some money.” He couldn’t tell if she believed him. It didn’t really matter. For the moment, he was safe.

He had once more extricated himself from trouble. Nothing had changed. I’m a loser, he thought. How do you get to be a winner?