Finally I have fallen in love. It took years to build up this feeling but now I am sure he is the perfect guy. Akash, the man of my dreams. It was not love at first sight. He was just one of those straightforward boys. He was the first person I met when I was new in college. He approached me first and asked some plain questions. I never ever thought then that I would fall in love with him. Gradually I came to know him. The more I knew him, the more I liked him. His values and principles really intimidated me. I began to long for his companionship. All the free moments I got, I talked with him. I did not know it was love then, all I knew was that I liked talking with him. In other words, he was irresistible to me. He was the one who was able to challenge my mind and made me see the world differently. He changed my way of thinking. I did not seek out any others company, because I felt I did not need it, he was the only person in my life. I took it for granted that he would be there for me anytime I needed him. I felt I was connected with him heart and soul.
Days passed by. Weeks became months. Months became years. Our friendship became stronger. I could understand his every emotion. I could even end his sentences. We didn’t need to converse when we were together. Silence was perfect. Even then I did not know that it was love.
I came to know the harsh truth, that I had fallen in love with him, when he got engaged with my friend, Mona. I still remember the day. I came to know from a friend that they got engaged. ”What, it can’t be true” -these were the first words that came from my mouth when I heard Akash got engaged. I could not take it. I was unable to believe it, or rather refused to believe it. I felt like a part of me was gone. It brought fear in my life. I didn’t want to lose him at any cost.
That night I stayed awake all night. Refused to sleep. Not wanting to believe it, I prayed for it to be a dream. A fairy-tale. But miserably, nothing of that sort happened.
I was traumatized, destroyed. It was he who broke my shell and got a glimpse of my heart…and when he occupied a place in my heart and mind...All he did is to let me know that his heart is already occupied by someone...
I cried, really cried, in silence, but never let him know my feelings. We are friends even now. It hurts for me to be his friend. The mere mention of his girlfriend’s name brings pain in my heart, jealousy affecting me. I realized the only way I can stop hurting myself is to get away from his life. In this way I would no longer know what was happening in his life and would not get jealous. I tried every possible way to remove his thought, the memories I made with him. I made new friends, stopped talking with him. Stopped caring for him. But the more I moved away the more close he came to me. I fought the love I had for him without help. I was growing moodier day by day. I began behaving impolitely with him. I ignored him for no reason; I fought with him over the smallest thing, behaved like he no longer existed in my life. I totally stopped the friendship from my side. I just moved away and he never tried to stop me….
No matter what happens I know he is my first love and I will always treasure it… though it was always a one sided love….
You all might be wondering what happened with us...Did our relationship end after all that I did, or did we stay together???
We moved so far away from each other so that we became total strangers. It hurt me that he never tried to stop me leaving. I came to know that he never had any feelings for me. What I saw in his eyes was just a reflection of my feelings. Sadly, I never lived long to see their marriage. I got cancer. I died. No longer was he able to hurt my heart. My regret in life is that I never told Akash my feelings. For him, I was just his friend, but for me he was my first and last love.
And about Akash- he did not marry his girlfriend. He never loved her. It was just infatuation. He soon realized that when I removed myself from Abhighim. He missed me in all places. But he never told me that. He was concerned. He cared too much for me. Falling in love with me made him weak. He did not have the nerve to stop me from going away…. Or perhaps his ego was bigger than his love?? At the moment happiness has vanished from his life.
And now I'm far away from him, gone so far away that I can never come back, never. Even if I wish for it. Leaving behind the memories I made on earth, I still love him. I still care for him. I still long for his company. I still want to hold him tight and give him comfort, take all his pain myself. I still cry out loud missing him.
P.S.: I would like to share a small episode here: two tear drops were flowing down the river...1st said to the other, "I'm the tear of a guy who loved but never expressed it, who are you?"
"I am the tear of the girl who was waiting for him."