Truth in Cigarettes(Charles A. Mazzarella) Truth in Cigarettes
Or
Hey Buddy, You Got a Light?

I was feeling contemplative this evening and then, it started to rain; one of those unexpected storms. The drops were cold for mid-April. That’s St. Louis for you. Hot in the Winter and cold in the Summer. No wait, that’s San Francisco. Oh well, some place I’ve never been! Here in Philadelphia, it was raining. At least that is what it felt like. I tasted it. Not Scotch or wine; it was rain. As my glasses fogged, I turned the corner and saw a poster on a wooden sign.

Richard Schillington – Motivational Speaker. That is what the sign read as I entered the free show put on by the United Way. I have been looking for answers for the last two years. Why am I homeless? Will things ever change? I bet I could predict what this guy is getting paid to be here tonight. He is receiving at least $2,000-$5,000. I would know. I used to book guys like this for another comprehensive agency. Then, my personal problems got in the way. I drank too much, to forget, and lost the second job in a year. Now I have to rely on those temp jobs. Funny thing is, I think I could get it all back, if I gave up the booze, admit I had a problem, and went back to the VA to talk to someone. I know what I have to do, I am just stubborn.

It is April but there is still a nip in the air. I duck inside to hear what this clown has to say. It started at 7:00pm went on for some time, then there was a 15 minute break for drinks; that’s when I went in. I’ve always had a good sense of timing. Never knock a free drink or two. I can start on that old wagon tomorrow. Here goes, I hope he was worth the money they paid.

“Why is Life so multidimensional and complex? Do we search for the reason for our existence, then somewhere along the way, give up and hide behind an addiction or illness, like hypochondria or a personality disorder? Many of us seek guidance and are true believers. Some of those lose their faith; some never had any. The worst ones are the hypocrites that shine in church then crap on your good name when your back is turned; when you are well out of earshot from their venomous words.” A nice start. I hope he doesn’t pull out the Bible.

“Children are too trusting and have to be taught or learn how to be selfish or careful. However, many adults can learn from children, but without the lack of wisdom; we should know better. We need to learn to be more giving but not be naïve. What can we do to simplify Life but still keep our faculties? I want mental sharpness with less responsibility and no anxiety please; hold the guilt.” He better stay sober if he wants mental sharpness.

“So many layers. What is the truth? Do we even know? Will we ever find it? Do we portray our mostly-true selves to each other or are we a cross section of lies? We are usually ashamed of our true selves. The only way we are going to find contentment is to be happy with the reflection we see in the mirror every sun up and sundown. We have to like the flaws, the mole, secrets and zits. Waste not your money on unnecessary plastic surgery. Someday you’ll look in the mirror and wonder, who is that? Oh, that’s me! Where have I gone?” Hey, I ‘m right here. ‘Oh, you mean yourself’, I say to myself. Did he get this from a certain small magazine or was it written for him? The writer is not half bad. I used to dabble in that too.

“Will we ever find the truth? Start by living it and asking yourself the difficult questions. Here is the tricky part: when you find something you do not like about yourself, figure out how to change it with out exiting the game before your turn. I am not an advocate for that. Get help and believe you have it within you to get through it, what ever it is.” Okay. The thought has crossed my mind, but not recently. I have a small job and live at the shelter. I am disgusted and want for more but think about the war, get frightened, and go buy a drink. I am glad I am not having this discussion out loud.

“But, maybe to stay sane, some secrets have to remain. The question is: can we live with them? Ask if you can live with that? In my opinion, we have no other choice. It’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help. I have done it. I am sure you must have asked for help one time in your life. Remember that there are people there, people that care; whether they get paid, share a beer with you, or baked some cookies when you were young.”

“So, the question remains. If Life is so complex and we are not honest with ourselves or others, and most of what we read or see on the news is slanted, and, we have only 56 years to answer the question, will we ever find the truth?” How did he know my dad is 56? Here’s my question to you sir: do you smirk as you cash these checks?

I start to leave the auditorium. I am glad I didn’t have to pay to hear him. I shouldn’t have had that second drink on an empty stomach. The weekends are tough at the soup kitchen. Ya miss a meal and they’re not open for a midnight snack. I will have to see what I have in my private stash. Enough to buy a hamburger and coffee; out of the rain, I hope. Oh, good timing, they are taking another break. The bar is closed, as I can see, but there’s coffee and a few cookies. I grab a cup, turn down the alley and light up a smoke.

I see a familiar face, getting ready to have a cigarette. It’s Richard Schillinton. He asks me for a light. I hand him my cheap lighter and he says thanks. I scoot under the awning to not get any wetter. We start to talk. He asks, “Have you seen the show before?” I said, “No. I just caught the last hour or so.” He said, “I don’t even do this for a living. A friend of mine is the real Richard Schillington. He has been sick and I stepped in for him. I have worked with him in the past and know enough of his material to get by. I wouldn’t have told you otherwise, but you look down on your luck and I hoped you got something out of the show. Here pal, here’s $20. Promise to get yourself a good meal and look for work. And hey, do me a favor: keep what I told you to yourself. I can’t let it get out that I am sort of a fake. Rich would get sued.” I tell him thanks and not to worry.


Wow. I found the truth and got paid for it. I was able to help two people out while one tries to shine the candle of truth for those others in there to see. He was honest with me and thought enough about me to tell me his truth. A few things did stick with me from that night. ‘Will we ever find the truth?’ We need to find a speck of it and believe in that. That’s all we can do. If we have no truth to hold onto, we are covered in a chain of lies as we try to swim ashore to the land of our forgotten identity. We should not lie to others. But, we can not lie to ourselves. We may end up like the man asking his reflection in the mirror: Where am I? I am over here. I just forgot the way is all.

Smokers and drinkers should help each other quit. I have learned, we have to be ready to quit though. That is not my point however. I think there is an unwritten bond between smokers and drinkers. Why? People let their guard down around someone who shares the same habit. There is that instant trust. He or she is a smoker too. I can talk to them. They will not get offended and may even ask me for a smoke, if they ran out. Where else is someone willing to share what they have without ever having met you before? Bankers don’t loan each other money, ‘Wilfred, do you mind if I borrow a grand or two?’ ‘Certainly not, here you go. Take three, they’re small’ ‘Oh Thank you, ever so much. You have been most kind’. Some day, the roles may be reversed and it is you that is asking to ’borrow a cigarette’. Maybe that Richard Schillington is a good judge of character or is very observant; maybe he saw me smoking and knew I had what he needed, an external flame.

I thought about what he said, “We have to like the reflection we see everyday…if we see something we don’t like, change it.” That night, I went back to the shelter, said a prayer, and started my new day. After a shower and a meal, I looked through the want ads. A few days later, I met a counselor at the VA and found a better job. Within two months, I had my own apartment and was drink free; since the show that night on finding the truth. My truth arrived in some back alley confession. That man thought he was someone else and was successful. I thought, if he can be someone else, I can be me - and was!

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