THE END(Asa Mulchias) The sun was shining again. Sadness colored my face—I knew without any mirror; how I felt. It’s… it’s—getting closer. One year from the moment. The cold. The dark. The loneliness I'd never expected. Gazing at my little garden through the window, tears dropping since the words scratched my mind. Painful. Hurting me. Telling me to stop hoping. I began crying—louder. Oh, don’t you dare judge me! You don’t understand what I've been dealing with! If you knew, you wouldn’t give me that look. Sarcasm. Cynicism. Could you just keep your eyes closed and leave me alone!? Go somewhere else!

“Chloe…?”

“My wish is still the same, Meika.” I smiled through my sadness—wiping my wet eyelids. “It's useless. Food, medicine… advice. Not a single one could save me. I’m dying. So for what reason do you keep bothering me!? If you are here because my parents told you to be, just forget it. They can’t see the facts. Hah, what you call that? Childish? I think so. You know, leukemia doesn’t exist to be extinguished like a cold. It kills people. I accept that. My parents don’t. Apparently, I’m the only one who has already grown up here….”

Her eyes looked into me. Meika. She then sat on my bed, covered well with a striped bed sheet, not saying a word.

“I refuse a lecture. As you can see—I’m fine.”

“He’s only a doctor, Chloe.”

“Mm—mm—” moving the right index finger, I lift my chin. “I'm perfectly okay. I’m strong. I don’t need help.”

“He could be wrong.”

“Would you stop talking about that d**n doctor!? Get out of my room!”
Meika started to lose her silence. I could see her eyes like shining glasses. Crystal. Crying. I moved from sitting in front of her. "Okay, that’s it Meika!, the door is open. Tissues are in the kitchen!"

“Chloe, please… don’t be like this. There’s still hope for you. I—I mean… he’s just a human being. People make mistakes. We—we could check once more. Maybe he’s only a clumsy man with a white doctor’s suit that isn't his. Maybe they—the authorities which give doctors the license to operate—never actually admitted him. He’s a scumbag, pretending to be a skillful well-trained health expert. I mean, please… you shouldn’t, you mustn’t—”

“ENOUGH!”

“You stop this! I didn’t start a thing!”

“Oh, yeah? Sitting there, telling me ‘he’s a human being, people make mistakes. We could check once more. Maybe he’s wrong’, that’s what you call ‘didn’t start a thing’? What an odd definition, Meika! As a Languages teacher—do I need to remind you?—your saying is absurd to me. Absurd! You, THIS LIFE, GOD, MY HAPPINESS… Nonsense! NONSENSE!!!” I reached for the vase on the table, throwing it down to the floor. Meika screamed. I laughed—and began walking to my table. Cosmetics and perfume were next. Clothes. Wardrobe. Bed sheet. I hate stripes! I’m not a prisoner! I’m Chloe, a girl, 29 years old, YELLING, SHOUTING TO WORLD: WHERE’S THE JUSTICE? WHY DID GOD GIVE ME THIS—LEUKEMIA? I’M NOT READY TO DIE, GOD! PICK SOMEONE ELSE! NOT ME!”

The world was almost a blur. I embraced my knees. Meika walked to me, sat on the floor, hugged me. Giving her lecture again... Everything is okay. You will be just fine. Hah, I—cynically—smiled. I was OK. I didn’t need that suggestion. I was fine. Perfectly in good shape.

“Let it out, Chloe…. Let it out….”

"WHAT?!"

***

Since then, they have been busy. My parents. Meika. They took me to another doctor, looking for a chance I didn’t have. Sssh… don’t tell them about it. They would be angry. You know: they’ve spent a lot of money and time to take care of me. Bought the medicines. Forced me to get special therapy. Kept telling me the lie: I could live longer. That my illness was nothing. I had the capability to fight against it. To be the winner of this gray competition. That’s fine. I was as strong as people around me expected me to be. LEUKEMIA? Piece of cake! So… STOP HELPING ME! STOP FEELING SORRY FOR ME!

“Your life is what you think it will be. You don’t need to carry a big and heavy weight on your heart, Chloe. Release it. Feel free from it. You don’t have to keep it. Just try to relax and have faith. You know? If you do it, you’ll be better….” The psychiatrist said. HAH, what did she know about “being better”? I hate that kind of person—who gives the impression: hey, would you share your story? I have the solution. I’m your solution. They don’t know my feelings! I was STRONG—I said. Why didn’t they believe me? Look! I laugh! I smile! No more tears on my cheeks! Instead of sitting beside me, telling me the things I should and I shouldn’t do, better you tend to your career and find what you love. Do you understand me? If you do, tell my parents to do the same! Why be with me… what for!? Ignore me! The angel of death soon picks me up anyway. Not you. Not you. NOT EVEN YOU! HAPPY!?

“I bring you organics, Chloe. I got them from Puncak. It’s good for our bodies,” Meika had entered the room-without knocking—her habit. Closest friend. A person whom I wished to accompany me. Smiling. Carrying the healthy meals. I stood still. Sucking fresh morning air into my lungs, changing it into carbon. Meika was then walking to me. In silence. She—surprised me—didn’t bring the bowl of vegetables. She just put it on the table—left of my bed.

“Everybody will die, Chloe.” I was putting my hands over my ears—but Meika removed them. She told me to listen to her—just this time. She begged. I smiled, let her do what she wanted. Whatever.

“You, your parents, me—all human beings… we all shall meet death, Chloe. All God’s creatures. For the last time: stop acting like ‘this is only about my problem’. All of us shall end, Chloe. The difference between you and me: the doctors have already predicted yours. You know something? If they are that good, maybe they’ve known when they would die. Maybe they can predict mine and other persons also. Sounds like God. Do you believe that?”

“Is it so hard to close your lips, Meika? This is not my choice. I didn’t choose this! This disease—this LEUKEMIA…! OK, don’t push me to talk further! I’m not weak!”

“You’re not—but you're a fool! I just realized that. You believe human prediction's? And because of it, you stop your life? Acting like a girl without a brain? Laughing! Put your left eyebrow higher than the right, keep telling yourself you don’t need help, blaming God for your sickness—for your death. WE ALL SHALL DIE, CHLOE! NO MATTER WHAT! Can you understand that!? So, if you haven’t become a dead body yet, just act like a living normal person! It’s not about what our God decided to happen, but it’s about what our God wants us to do, Chloe! And I can assure you: you and your foolishness will get nothing from ‘I’M OK! I’M STRONG! WHY DID GOD GIVE ME THIS DISEASE’! But, if you’re happy running your life like this, that’s fine! I won’t care for you anymore!”

Meika took the bowl and ate the vegetables alone, on my bed. I closed my mouth, hardly able to swallow my own saliva. []

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