Bliss(Ari Sam) So, I impounded my thoughts in the darkest corner of my head and questioned everything that breezed through the emptiness of that night. “This is one of my favourite places in the world, people made sense here,” she said and I acknowledged that with a jovial nod. She was dressed in her contemporary muddled hair that covered her forehead and she wore her quirks on her sleeves, although the spark in her eyes could settle the boisterous with a single look. Her white shirt and purple skirt felt like the right amount of colour I wanted see that night; we walked through the gates of the hotel and tried to escape the atrocities of the bright lights in the lobby, the night had seemed seamless until then.

The restaurant had unfamiliar faces, as my watch beeped 2 am, we grabbed the corner table and she settled her beautiful black bag and the book that I’d given her on the chair. The unopened packet of cigarettes was the cue to our craving for one. When I quizzed her on why she was carrying the book she said “It makes me feel that I am carrying the writers’ world around in my hands” accompanied by her beautiful smile, no one really had put it that way ever before.

She was an actor, and a really good one. I couldn’t take my eyes off her when she essayed the role of a mistress in a play called “Love Diaries”, she lit the stage on fire with her performance, the audience and I agreed that she was the only thing that saved the collapsing play with her performance. I was introduced to her backstage by a common friend, and I couldn’t stop rambling about how good she was. She had the most innocent smile. And after numerous meals, several conversations and passionate moments later, here we were standing in the middle of complexities that were beyond our comprehension. We were troubled. We were confused.

The night was beautiful, although a little empty without the stars. We were surrounded by chlorine infested swimming pools that reflected the light of the overcast and paralyzed moon. She turned to me and asked “Tell me something honest?” as she struggled to light her cigarette due to the dampness in the air. That question always meant she wanted to know what I was thinking at that very moment, “I think the death of Michael Jackson was extremely tragic” I said with an inane smirk.

There was a hint of sarcasm in her smile, but I didn’t care, the sight of her smile was sublime to me.

We parked on the parapet that overlooked the black ocean, the salt in the air made her eyes misty, words exchanged and analyzed and I forfeited to the might of her intelligence. There was a sense of calm in her presence, albeit something within felt very heavy, weighed like a mixed bag of emotions.

“I have never enjoyed a good post sex conversation, what do you say after you've been so close to a person?” I quipped to slice the silence, “Try Israel, That’s a good subject” she said with a childlike wonder on her face.

“Israel?” I whispered. The sheer hilarity of that remark made me want her more. “I’ve had fights post being with someone when our perspectives about Israel didn’t align” she said animatedly. “How many times have you had these fights? And who with?” I inquired with all my curiosity; she glared at me with silence as her biggest weapon, she belonged to someone else. My perplexity and luck smacked the back of my head with raw power, how could I forget that she found comfort in another man’s arms.

The only elephant that lived between us was the reminder of her being part of another man’s life. I was told I walked into her life at a time when she had already found love, but was on the brink of ending it all. She was baffled with how I had managed to turn her life completely upside down. Her honesty was eerie from time to time; she said things that made me wonder about the complexity of our situation. What was our situation? Who were we to each other?

“What does happiness mean to you?” she queried profoundly. Our conversations had versatility, we shared life’s views and fascinated each other with experiences; I always considered that to be our underlying charm. “This. This is happiness to me; I can sit across from the woman who I respect and probably love for all that she is and all that she is capable of, so yes I am truly happy right now” I replied. She reached out and held my hand as if that was only the thing she wanted to hear at that very moment. Her eyes told a million stories and I wasn’t able to decipher which ones had me and which one’s had the man she was going back home too. I was mystified.

The night was getting colder and the only source of light was a lamp that hung above us, it felt like the guiding light that was trying to tell us something, but we were lost in each other’s words, every time she said something deep and meaningful, I wanted to hold her and never let her go, she was my definition of a perfect moment.

She told me about how her mother instantly fell in love with her father, after she read a newspaper article written by him, which I thought was deeply romantic. She spoke very highly of her father who, according to her, was the most giving soul that walked God’s almost green earth. She was reminiscent about her childhood and the distance she shared with her mother, and I spoke about my times in a boys hostel, where I grew up, who I was, although I wasn’t truly sure who I was, but I knew how I felt at that moment, sharing life’s anecdotes with her made me feel complete.

We laughed a lot that night, mostly at me rather than with me, and every time we kissed I quickly stole a few seconds to see what she looked like after we caressed. She looked happy, which made me question why she couldn’t go back with me? Why did I have to share her?

“We should get back to the restaurant” I proposed. She didn’t seem to want to face the gleaming lights of the restaurant. She had adapted to the darkness, like she was adapting to our situation. “Yes I think we should, the coffee is probably getting cold” she said.

I held her hand and as we walked back to reality, my head felt like an overflowing bucket of questions. I wondered and feared about not having anything more than this night with her. I couldn’t tell what she was pondering about, she claimed her defence mechanism was built on years of pain and heartbreaks, and it would never allow me to understand her completely. I differed.

Suddenly, the table felt smaller as the blue collared man crowded it with two dark coffees accompanied by hot potato wedges. We devoured the wedges and sipped our coffees exchanging occasional glances. “Sometimes I feel that “US” not having a name worries you more than it should” she said. “I like things simple... Sometimes giving a name to a bond is an easier way to understand it” I said with a smile.

“Why does this have to be so complicated, deep? It would’ve been simpler if we met in a time and space where I didn’t have to worry about the guilt I feel within” she said. “Did you really think it would be that simple, Mira?” I asked. She didn’t have an answer for me and I didn’t expect one either, I knew this wasn’t easy for her. It wasn’t easy for me.

We finished our coffees and walked out of the restaurant. She held my hand tight as if she didn’t want to go. She was just confused, or maybe her feelings for Avyakt were way deeper than I could possibly understand.

Silence was the only thing that exchanged between us, while we walked out of the hotel. I sat her in a cab and kissed her goodbye, something within urged that I was probably never going to see her again. She looked like an anxious child who awaited her final semester results. I didn’t know what to say to her.

She placed her hand on my cheek and said “You are an anomaly” and followed that with a smile. The cab rolled out to the street and blended into the night. I stood there wondering how much more I could take of her ambiguous behaviour.

The cab ride home was devastatingly intriguing. When your mind and heart bicker to align; all you’re left with is a feeling of a giant void that looks like a never ending rabbit hole, and even if you do intend to explore that unknowing realm, you are sure that when you peek your head out to the other side, all you will witness is a burning wonderland.

But I didn’t want my wonderland to burn, well not yet at least. I needed to speak to someone. I had to share this with a known crony and the only name that knocked in my head was Dino. Dino was my friend, we had known each other for a while now, and he understood where I came from. Dino always had an inane grin on his face, which did not compliment his 6 feet 3 inch large structure; he was an innocuous bloke with a demeanour and an attention span of a 4 year old boy. But I still enjoyed his company for some reason; I didn’t expect worldly wisdom from him, but at that moment I needed a friend who could understand my conundrum or at least hear me out. And sure I was completely aware that he would take his pot-shots at me, but I didn’t care.

I banged on Dino’s door and I banged hard. He opened the door and, as they say there are sights and sounds in this lifetime that everyone needs to experience, at least once, like the paintings in the Louvre or the music of Johann Sebastian Bach, but there was one sight I wasn’t ready for and I don’t think I ever would have been, which was Dino in his white towel, trying to hide a gigantic erection.

“It's 5:40 in the morning, deep shit, what are you doing here?” said Dino wiping the morning crust off his eyes. I was speechless for a moment and had completely lost track of why I was at Dino’s at 5:40 in the morning. I sensed it had something to do with the enormity of the bump on Dino’s towel. Now, there were two things you could see from the moon.

“They don’t call me Big Dino for nothing, you know” he said in a pompous tone. And just as he said that a pretty looking broad walked out of Dino’s bedroom. She was slender with hair that had the colour of a moonless night. She was a pretty looking girl and way out of Dino’s league.

“I am sorry were we too loud, honey” said Dino. I stared at Dino, blank, and the pretty girl just had a bathrobe on that covered her beautiful body. “Well, I am sorry this booty call would have to be cut short” I started looking for the girls clothes to hand them to her.

“I came out in a bathrobe, just in case you were looking for my clothes. And I know that you’re judging me right now, but women have needs too you know. It would be great if you didn’t judge me and think this was some cheap midnight booty call, because not all women who are half naked in a man’s house are looking to be satisfied” the girl said. I looked at Dino again and he had the inane grin and followed that with a shrug.

“Who are you? Valerie Solanas?” I asked. Valerie Solanas was the woman who attempted to murder Andy Warhol and wrote a manifesto called “S.C.U.M” – Society for Cutting Up Men. I felt the girl in the bathrobe had all the right flavours of giving the world another Valerie Solanas.

“Alright, ma’am, kind woman, I am not judging you and I know you have “needs”, but I really need to be with my friend right now, so if you would be kind enough to let us be right now, I promise Dino will take you out for a nice dinner tomorrow night,” I said to the woman while hiding away the scissors kept on the study table.

“No! He’s not! Deep, you’re killing my mojo here! I don’t do dinners and candy floss or walks on the beach; in short I am not a girl!" "Why would you do this to me?” retorted Dino. “Fine, I’ll pay for the dinner” I said. “Alright, then it’s cool” said Dino instantly.

Dino walked the girl to her car, while I watched through the window of his 20 storied apartment. I walked around the room like a horse on steroids and poured myself a very large shot of jack and pounded that down as quickly as I poured it.

“Woman trouble, again? Come on man, it’s been 2 years with this girl... Fighting... Making up... Confusion... I think it’s time you let it go, brother, don’t you think so?” Dino said as he walked into the room. The look on my face didn’t need an answer to that question. Dino sat himself on the couch in the corner and wanted me to spill my gut over a few rounds of jack. I was 30 years old and had always been somewhat of a train wreck since the conception of my interest in the opposite sex. I was not a very popular kid in school, never really good at sports and wasn’t always the brightest bulb during the inter school debates, but to my surprise the girls in school always found the ‘boyish’ charm attractive. I had managed to sustain that charm through my years in college, but like everything else in my life, I was running out of ways to engage the opposite sex for more than a couple of months. I lacked stability and emotional intelligence as evaluated by the last woman in my life. My ‘boyish’ charm was fading away like the colour on a cheap t-shirt.

“Sometimes in life the most amazing thing happens, you’re part of this entire surreal process of the twists and turns and the ups and downs and suddenly you crash into the most beautiful living being in this imperfect world, and you wait for her to look your way, to flash that beautiful smile, so you can conjure up every fibre of courage in your body to go up to her and tell her that she is perfect, no matter if everything around you is not, and you end up kissing her on a rooftop in an unknown land and she says the most beautiful things and you share every moment of your life for the next couple of years together, enjoying each other’s idiosyncrasies and falling in love with every little quirk and then one fine evening it all hits you, and I am just an anomaly, what do you make of all that Dino?” I ranted.

“Dino... Dino”

I turned to Dino and I found him cuddled up to the annoyingly large pillows that were placed in an orderly fashion on the couch. I tried to guess the specific point of my rant that I felt I could’ve possibly lost Dino and I squared on the words “Sometimes in life...”

I rested up against the wall, while holding the last of what was left of the bottle of jack. My mind began to question, as it always does in situations when I don’t have answers for it. So, I was madly in love with Mira and she belonged to another man called Avyakt, but she was confused about her feelings for this man. My mind had a funny way of stacking things up, it always seemed to emphasize on the cons and the pros got lost with everything else that was stacked up in my wasted little brain. I hugged the empty bottle of Jack and crashed on Dino’s bed.

The hangover in the afternoon was an ugly reminder of the night before. I reached out for my phone and saw a couple of missed calls from Isa. Isa was my friend and a talent agent. When you live in Mumbai and you’re a struggling writer it’s very hard to afford an agent, but that’s when the friends hat comes very handy. Isa and I were friends from college; she was an ambitious woman with dreams of making it big in the world of talent management. I was one of her first clients; she had decided to sign me after she had seen one of my small budget plays. She thought I had all the essence of becoming a great writer, but I lacked focus and was an extremely lazy soul. I didn’t defend myself when she said those things.

“You want some brunch? And thanks for showing up this morning, it was getting serious with that chick” Dino said. I was still sitting on the couch wondering whether I should call Isa back. Dino asked the same question again. “Yeah, food would be nice” I replied. Dino poured some black coffee and served a couple of toasts with butter. It wasn’t the breakfast of champions, but I didn’t complain. “So, should I even ask what happened last night?” he questioned.

“No, I don’t think you should ask what happened last night... It’s really messed up man! Umm... I need to get out... Hey! Thanks for letting me in this morning” I replied. I grabbed my belongings and walked out of the door; I squeezed my forehead as my head began to pound really hard. I crawled into a cab and made my way home and dialed Isa. “So, you’re ready for your BIG debut this evening... A lot of people coming... Some important people coming too... Is she coming?” she asked through the speaker. “Well, I have given her a couple of tickets, I don’t know if she’s coming yet, she hasn’t called, we left each other empty last night,” I replied.

“She has the tickets, if she intends to come and watch the biggest play of your career, she can” she said. I held the phone closer to my ears and took a long deep breath. “Yeah, she probably can, I have a few technical things I need to take care off; we’ll speak later” I headed straight to the theatre where the rehearsals were taking place.

It was the biggest play of my career and I wasn’t excited. It had a lot to do with how life had panned out. Almost two years ago, things were not the same; I was a different person, desirous of everything that was artistic. I loved writing; it gave me a high that no chemical could match. I loved the concept of love. I believed in it. I thought love was simple and wasn’t a lot of work.

The idea of love changed, when I met Mira. She had a sense of uniqueness about her that I had never experienced before. Her ideologies inspired me, being an actor, she had an innate ability to put things in ways I could understand them better. She was the queen of allegories. Every time she wanted to explain an idea to me, she put her hand in her bag of allegories and pulled out a whiter looking rabbit every time, she was a magician at that and I loved it. It was new and desirous.

There were mentions of another man then, but I was so engrossed with falling in love with her, that I didn’t pay much heed. I’d like to believe that she tried everything in her power to warn me about the hole I was digging for myself and it was only to get darker and colder. I had sunk my feelings too deep to pull out and all I did was keep falling deeper and deeper into the pit of love.

Although, things changed last night, when she told me that she was still confused about Avyakt and called me an anomaly. It was like an epiphany. It had been two years and I was tired of being the third wheel. I wanted more and wasn’t okay with sharing her any longer. It was excruciating to see her go back to another man, who didn’t even love her as much I did, or at least I wanted to believe that. We had been through so much together that I was constructing my world around her. But it all came crashing down a night ago.

“Why do you love me...? I want you to desire me... Love is for the weak and insecure... Give me desire ... its dirty and dangerous... Desire me... Never love me” yelled the actor on stage. Everyone looked their best and there was something extraordinarily amazing about the feel of theatre. I always admired it a great deal. I exchanged pleasantries with the director who was bright and beaming. This was the first time he was directing a major theatre production and he had lot running on this and wanted to ensure that the audience got nothing less than a perfect performance. I watched my words play into action as the actors put on a brilliant rehearsal. Everything seemed on track and there was some part of me that said that I was about to be thrown into the major league of writing with this play. But, I wasn’t ready to aim for the stars, I was happy gazing at them.

I walked out of the theatre to get a cigarette and my phone beeped, it was Isa on the other end again, “Mira called, she wanted to know if you would be ok if she brought a friend to your show” she said. I was excited about the idea that Mira wanted to watch the show, after what happened between us the night before. “Sure, who does she intend to get?” I asked. “Avyakt...” she replied.

I had never met Avyakt, but I had an idea of who he was. Mira spoke about him from time to time. He was a writer too and apparently a better writer than I was, according to Mira. He was an older man, someone Mira had a lot of respect for. He wrote books for children, some of them were best sellers. I wasn’t a fan.

“No, that would be interesting...” I told Isa. I reached home after grabbing a cup of coffee on the way; I had to get ready for the event. I stood there with my cup of coffee staring out of my window wondering what I was suppose to do about the situation with Mira and I was clueless as always. I was going to face the man in her life for the first time and considering my luck it was on one of the biggest nights of my life.

The evening arrived with no warning of what it was going to be like. I saw Isa chatting up with a couple of suits from the business; they all seemed excited to see my work. “Has she arrived?” I asked Isa. “I haven’t seen her yet... Can you not focus on that right now...? This is the biggest event in your life... You’re about to be famous my friend, let me introduce you to a couple of people, come on” she said. I exchanged a few words with the people who were present. I felt uncomfortable and I think people could see that, but no one questioned.

I finally saw Mira walk in with Avyakt. She wore a beautiful black dress and had her hair tied back. She looked breathtaking. I went up to her and complimented her on how wonderful she looked. She smiled and introduced me to Avyakt, we shook hands and he told me he was really looking forward to what I had put together. There was a sense of awkwardness between the two of us, it’s like he knew what I shared with Mira, but we didn’t dwell on that much. Mira and I kept looking at each other the entire evening. She sat a couple of rows away from me. And I think she enjoyed my work. She turned around and looked at me every time she felt that I had done a good job with the dialogue.

The play was appreciated by all. I considered re-writing a few portions. The director and I began discussing the parts that lacked weight. “We’re leaving...” Mira said with a tap on my back. Avyakt looked upset, like he had heard something he wasn’t ready for. I hugged Mira and she whispered “I was honest with him... I can’t stay away from you anymore... I want to see you tonight....” I felt loved, but a rush of guilt ran through my body. Avyakt was told the truth during the play. Mira had been unfaithful to him and I was the other man in her life.

I saw them walk to the parking lot and I followed them. Mira and Avyakt were fighting. He kept yelling, "why?", I felt small as a human being, as I watched him push Mira and drive away into the night. Mira sat there and cried her eyes dry. I went up to her and sat beside her and held her tight. We never said a word to each other.

“Isn’t it strange...? I broke one heart to fix another...” she said. I didn’t know what to say to that. She had bloodshot eyes and she held my hand to feel human again. “Tell me something honest, Mira” I asked. She knew that I wanted to know what she was feeling at that very moment. “I am tired of this... I didn’t want to be shared any more... I had to tell him the truth...” she replied wiping her tears. She was at her cross road and she decided to take the road that lead her to me. Why wasn’t I overjoyed with her decision? I questioned within.

“For the last two years ... We never had a name for our relationship... We were just two people who connected on levels that were beyond the ordinary... We laid a foundation... I fell in love with you... Yes! We had our problems and we battled them gallantly and today we stand here not knowing what’s going to happen if we gave a name to this relationship... Isn’t that odd to you?” I said. She looked deep in my eyes and was trying to put together an appropriate response to my question, before she could say anything, her phone beeped, it was Avyakt, we exchanged glances and I understood she wanted to take the call.

“Hey...” is all I could hear of the conversation as she walked away from me, while she spoke to him. I lit a cigarette and stood there alone in the parking lot, waiting to know whether my feelings for Mira were going to slip away through my fingers. She returned to me and said “I need to go... I have to go... I am just confused... I am sorry... You have to let me go...” I took a long puff of my cigarette and felt that the weight of my heart was as heavy as the world. “You’re going back to him...? And what have you decided about us...? Where do we go from here...? Don’t you realize what I feel for you is real...?” I asked.

She looked down at the concrete floor and said “Don’t ask me questions I don’t have answers for Deep, I am sorry, it took me so long to realize, what I feel for Avyakt is way deeper than I could ever imagine... All I can say is I am really sorry... And I hope you find your share of happiness...” while running her fingers through my hair. I took a step back and smiled “So, the story remains incomplete... An anomaly... An unexplained feeling of emptiness that we will continue to resort to every time we see each other at the corner of the street...." I said. She never looked back once, as she walked away.

That was the last I ever saw of Mira, she became a distant voice in my head, someone who I had fought for.... For a long time, she became a faded memory. I never regretted the time we spent together, but letting her go was bliss.

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