I awakened and wondered, 'What time is it?'. Blinking sharply against my ceiling, she was the first thing on my mind. From time to time, I thought of her beauty and her gracefulness, it always took my breath away. At times my heart could stop beating. It wasn’t seemly to stare for too long at the ceiling, but I continued imagining how amazing we could be and what a lovely couple we would make.
I set about making coffee. “Here she is,” I said. And she added, “Oh, you’re here already. I didn’t expect to find you.” She was wearing a little black dress long up to her knees. Her face looked prettier than I last saw her.
“But it's not that I wouldn’t have come,” She said. “How unfair would it look if I didn’t turn up?”
I remember her words in full-city lights and now I feel as if I’m standing with her. Now she’s here. With a sigh on my face, I stood like an immortal creature gazing at her softly. She stood in silence very close to the window, watching the street down from my home. My suite was almost on one of the top floors with a city view. Only the sounds of city traffic could be heard from a far distance as the window was widely open and the hum of the day had been over shadowed by the falling dark of the sky.
“What did I come here for? And what did you want to do with me?” she asked, in a complete concentration. I had an overwhelming anticipation to succeed in love with her. Before, I imagined she had turned her face and I had seen the shimmer of her face. At such a moment, I thought of what to say, and I suddenly remembered to thank her for coming.
Her eyes were still looking out through the window as she nodded to my thank you, although she didn’t look at me.
I thought that maybe it was her way of being affectionate. But another thought came to me as well, due to the fact that I no longer felt safe to tell her what I wanted. My feelings for her were still way too high, and I could feel them like a throb in every part of my body. I didn’t know how to control them.
Not only did she smell like Gucci Rush, which was her favorite fragrance, but I also wondered which sensual words could describe her beauty and grace without using the words “beautiful, gorgeous”. Obviously, these impressions always made me watch her more closely as she stood by the window. I could smell the scent of her body from a distance. Meanwhile, we were stunned by silence, except the noise of city traffic, including police sirens.
The silence was too long in the room. I was tempted to go and stand next to her because of the need, but I knew that would break the spell, look weird, and even would disgust her.
Her voice was light, “I’m comfortable here, and enjoying the night lights.” She said, “I have missed this view for quite some time, but you can tell me if it concerns you.”
Thunder could be heard roaring from the suite and outside, down in the streets. Lightening streaks could be seen inside and up in the dark sky. A raw wash of drizzling rain created rainbows through the city lights allure. Beams of lightening continued falling through the window. She was still there, relishing the allurement of streets through the window, and then smiling at me, pressing her back against the window. She looked as though she was the angel of joy.
I had a twinge of comfort when she turned to look at me, making my heart burst love bubbles. I had admired her all these years precisely because she was unattainable. And still my passion for her had remained the same the past eight years. Now under the same roof, it was my confession; I wanted to concede to her that I was absolutely obsessed with her.
I had tried to hide that from her, and if I mentioned it now, I didn’t know what she would think of me. “This may sound awkward….” I started.
Despite this, I didn’t say anything; fear of rejection had stopped me from speaking out, though I knew this would be one of the memorable nights in my life. I was very fond of her and never wanted to dream anything other than a day we would walk down the aisle together.
My eyes darted back and forth from her and the window. She waited for me to say something other than that. She had a little clue as to why she always caught me gazing at her, and at times I looked as though I was lost in an imaginary fantasy. She stood so still and contained in front of me that I thought she knew this too. It seemed too hard for me to bring up the subject.
“What? Why are you staring at me that way?”
“I like your earrings. They make your eyes look even nicer.”
She blushed, “huh?” Her eyes grew wide in surprise but the smile on her face didn’t fade.
"Ain’t you tired of standing?" I asked.
"Not really," she said. “Though, it’s cold.”
"Come and sit down here." I called her.
"Okay. I will sit in few moments."
She turned round then, closed and lowered the orange curtain of the window and walked straight to me.
“It’s my very first time to hear you say something like that” she said.
“You’re appreciating my eyes, earrings, what not?” she smiles again.
There was a little worry in my eyes, and fear. I suffered it too, but anxiously waited for her to start to talk about it.
Nearer she sat, very close to me. She grasped my hands, shielding my face. She looked deep into my eyes and spoke gently, “See,” she whispered. “It’s alright. I don’t mean to hurt you. But I’m seeing someone else; I think it’s too late for us.”
I felt and left her words to slip deep through the cracks of my broken heart. Thoughtfully, I looked straight ahead with sorrowfulness, and I made no protest, although my heart was beating unsteadily. My face was bent, exhibiting lost joy, and my heart was in complete agony.
“Why? Why? Why didn’t you speak that before?” she asked. “You had the longer years. Didn’t you think about it? Oh my foolish, my foolish…” and she held her face in disappointment.
“I did,” I said, my voice filled with ruefulness. “And I have admired you for so many years.”
“Then why did you keep it such a big secret?” she inquired.
She found it difficult at this point. She had never told me what she had gone through when she went for her summer vacation at Sweetheart Honeymoon Island. And now she was wondering how on earth she had moved without her engagement ring?
The smile on her face started to feel false. She couldn’t hold it anymore. I looked at her face and she turned away. But her eyes caught the framed photograph of them hanging on the wall.
She felt sympathy for me, and a wave of guilt for disappointing me passed through her face like an x-ray lighting bones. “But whose fault?” she wondered, asking herself because she never knew of my feelings for her. I could see true surprise on her face.
Meanwhile, she nodded, thinking about how I have been a rookie for keeping that secret to myself alone. She wished I had told her before. She wished she had taken my hints and put them into a clear picture of what I was doing and why I was doing it.
With a sigh of sorrow, she spoke lightly, “It’s time, I have to leave.”
I watched her go through the door like a dream disappearing.