Miracle Upon A Dream

Miracle Upon A Dream(Janet Zhu) Summer 2009

I can’t believe that I’ve actually come to like him this much. Do I love him? I question myself all the time. I don’t know the answer. I never use the word love. It’s such an overpowering word and it scares me. It’s too big and vague, like a black hole and it just sucks you in. And before you even have time to scream for help, you’re gone. One looks at love as something sweet and tender and it is. To be in love is a blessing, yet it is a curse at the same time. One just never realizes it.

I guess I just have to wake up from trying to act okay and lie to myself. I really thought that I’d be able to get over it. I told myself that time is the best antidote there is. One just needs to know how to put it at use. I knew how to use it and it was working perfectly fine until the day it expired, yet I didn’t even notice. That’s because I didn’t want to.

Just one dream about him shattered my time antidote to shards. I realized how much I missed him, how crucial it was that I saw his face everyday. I realized how much I wanted him, wanted to be with him.

In the dream, I’d held his hand and hugged him every morning. He let me lean on his shoulder while I slept. I played with his hair and he squeezed my cheeks. Our smiles were happiest when we were with each other. But then, I heard the beep of the alarm clock. I woke up. Something inside of me just died a little.

I wanted to cry about how I hadn’t been able to do those things. That I hadn’t been able to fully love him like I wanted to.


September 2010

I walk down the road and see the Stuyvesant building peeking out in the distance. I smiled and thought back on how excited and happy I had been when I got the letter saying that I scored a 635. Stuyvesant had a seat for me this year. I called my best friend immediately and she was laughing like crazy. I heard her scream to her parents about me through the phone. After that, I called him. He was surprised, then happy. At least that’s what it seemed like at the time. We never talked much after that time.

I shook my head, trying not to think about him, yet I was pondering about the first thing I should say when I saw him in school. I look around at the trees. Leaves were drifting; some were still firmly stuck on the branches while others were barely holding on. But the scattering of colors were beautiful in contrast to the dull shade of the ground. Autumn was almost here. It was my favorite season. I wondered if he still remembered that my birthday was in autumn. Here I am, thinking about him again and it hasn’t even been 10 seconds. I take a deep breath and suck in the air just as my new Pumas crunch on a leaf. My mind wanders around him as I keep on heading to Stuy. How would I react to his voice? His face, his eyes? His whole person? Would I blush and heat up just like I used to?

“Janet, wait.” I gasp. My breath gets caught in my throat. I wait. I let out my breath and it’s heavy and quivering. I don’t turn around and stare straight ahead. I am afraid to see. Is it..?

The leaves crunch behind me. He had taken a few steps closer. I just can’t help myself and whip around. There he is. Right in front of me. He’d gotten taller and he was taller than me now. I look up at his face and study his features. His cheeks look soft. There are slightly dark circles under his eyes. He must’ve slept late last night, like he always used to. I look away from his face and stare at the leaves on the ground. Red and orange and yellow, I think. What color did that make?

“How, um, have you been?” I ask.

“Good. Stuy was a lot of pressure. But I handled it.” He laughs. “Like you always said I would.”

I smile. He remembers my words.

“Of course,” I say. I try to look at him again but fail miserably. I stare at the ground again. My Pumas were dark purple. He was wearing white Nikes with gold stripes.

“What about swimming?” I manage weakly.

“Oh, that’s been like hell. I swear I lost, like, half my life in that 12 foot pool,”

“Haha, you must be kidding. That is insanely deep, though,” I agree.

“So how about you?” How’ve you been?”

“Okay, I guess. Escaped from LAB.” I smile. “That’s something.”

“Yeah.” He looks down at his hands. “It is.”

He smiles at me and I swear my blush was as red and deep as a whole ocean of tomato juice.

“I-I, uh, haven’t seen you for so long. You’re so tall now,” I say nervously.

“It’s been a whole year. I haven’t seen your face, seen your smile, or seen your hair in a ponytail. It’s been so long.” He says this all at once, but I manage to catch his words. Each word sounds separately in my mind and I don’t know how to put this together. My mind is a mess right now.

My mouth drops open a little. I could feel my cheeks burning up again.

“Huh?” I ask. I hope my voice didn’t carry the hint of a smile.

“I missed you, ever since we separated, until now. I missed you so much,” he says quietly. I look around at the other people walking to school as well. They stare at us strangely but leave us in our moment anyway. My words are stuck in my throat. All my thoughts - my anger, my sadness in this year--swell up. And I cannot utter a single word.

I look at his face and into his eyes. Feelings of sadness, longing, and happiness are welling up in my throat. I can almost feel the tears bubbling up to my eyes. My tears are just about to fall, so I blink. That just made the drops fall even faster. I hide my face and quickly wipe them away. I can’t believe what he just said to me. He told me that he’d missed me. I always thought that I’d be the one to tell him that.

“Are you okay?” he asks, his tone filled with concern. “Are you…crying?”

“Really?” I breathe. “Was that true? What you just said?”

“Yeah, it’s true,” he says softly.

I can’t help smiling. I start to laugh and then I am crying, too. I must’ve looked like a mess, but at that moment, I don’t care at all. I grin at him like a little kid who just got a piece of candy from the teacher.

His facial expression tells me he wants to smile, too, but he is a little confused by what was happening.

So I nod.

“Me too,” I whisper. “Me too,” I say again.

And suddenly I am engulfed in his arms. I gasp for what must’ve been the tenth time that day. It is windy, yet I feel warm when I am so close to him. His arms around me give me a sense of protection and safety. I lift my arms and put them on his back. Then I bury my nose into his jacket, and I breathe in his scent along with the soapy smell from his clothes. I turn my head a little and notice the hat of the hoodie. The hat is white and the burgundy Hollister seagull is printed on it. That was the jacket I liked to see him wear the most. My lips split into a smile again. I rest my head comfortably on his shoulder. I look at the small number of people still walking to school. Some stare at us like we’re those sluts who make out all day, some have blank expressions, some actually stop and stare, but some smile for us. I can feel his hand grasp my hair and caress it. I close my eyes and hug him even tighter.

And this time, even though I hold on as long and as tightly as I want to, there isn’t a need to. He holds on to me the exact same way. That’s how I know that dreams really do come true and miracles do happen. We just have to wait for them.